Bridesmaid dumping

gaillamash · June 2010

I am thinking of dumping a bridesmaid. HELP..
She has been a negative nancy, the other girls and my mom see her, but she thinks she is doing everything ok. Our friendship has changed in the last year as well

Has anyone had to do this? any suggestions?

emarston1 · June 2010

You don't kick someone out of your wedding party. End of story.

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:95db032d-da85-4a88-8e32-0e2846519f98">Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]I am thinking of dumping a bridesmaid. HELP.. She has been a negative nancy, the other girls and my mom see her, but she thinks she is doing everything ok. Our friendship has changed in the last year as well Has anyone had to do this? any suggestions?
Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

Your wedding is over a year away. What in heaven's name does your WP have to do now anyway?

I'd really need to know more about her being a "negative nancy", but the bottom line is that if you "dump" her (lovely term, BTW), you can assure yourself that you'll never, ever, ever have contact with her. Because you'll be very publicly humiliating her.

I'd spend the time before your wedding, and you have plenty of it, to fix the friendship. Stop thinking about your wedding party, and start thinking about your friend.

gaillamash · June 2010

even if she shows up an hour late for no reason to dress shopping, never wants to do anytihng, and thinks me wedding sucks

really

quotequeen · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:35ab75cb-b02c-4ba2-bd8d-b3694d82a939">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]even if she shows up an hour late for no reason to dress shopping, never wants to do anytihng, and thinks me wedding sucks really
Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

Uh yeah, really. She isn't obligated to "do anything." If she doesn't show up to dress shopping you tell her what dress you picked and she doesn't get a say. But you don't kick her out. It's really mean and crappy.

Whippet8 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:35ab75cb-b02c-4ba2-bd8d-b3694d82a939">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]even if she shows up an hour late for no reason to dress shopping, never wants to do anytihng, and thinks me wedding sucks really
Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

yes, really. don't dump her unless you are prepared to completely end the friendship.

LesPaul · June 2010

This is exactly why the WP should not be chosen until you are much closer to the wedding. You can't dump her now.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:35ab75cb-b02c-4ba2-bd8d-b3694d82a939">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]even if she shows up an hour late for no reason to dress shopping, never wants to do anytihng, and thinks me wedding sucks really
Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

Okay. Wait. Everyone hold your breath because I'm about to drop an amazing, never thought about idea on you all. How about you talk to her about it? Shocking. I know.

LesPaul · June 2010

That's just crazy talk, Cew.

Midgetth · June 2010

Only me & my MOH (my sister went dress shopping for the BM dresses. My BM lives an 2 hours away. She's not obligated to go with you for anything. She just has to buy the dress get fitted & show up at your wedding. Just remeber like I'm sure others will tell yuo. No one cares about your wedding like you do. The world doesn't revolve around your wedding. And the only thing my MOH has done with me for my wedding is go pick out the dresses for her & the other BM. Nothing else. And that's okay with me because I know she isn't really a girly girl or really cares. And if you tell her you don't want her to be in your wedding your friendship will be over with her for good.

gaillamash · June 2010

I did talk to her about, and she still didnt change.

Thanx for the help but I will go with my gut

gaillamash · June 2010

I am sorry, on this part, but she is my moh...

gottahavashorti · June 2010

Are you really okay with ending a friendship over someone not wanting to go dress shopping or being obsessed with your wedding?

SheDiva4 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:8d994c33-00ee-425f-ac62-f1e4055c088e">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]I did talk to her about, and she still didnt change. Thanx for the help but I will go with my gut Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

While I hope your gut is telling you that "I got some really good advice from the ladies on TK and they are right I should't dump a BM" but I highly doubt it.

I'm really sorry that you were looking for validation for a stupid and rude idea and didn't get any. That really isn't the point of these boards, usually people have at least one mindless friend IRL who will co-sign such BS.

AdeleDazeem · June 2010

I understand how you feel and I understand how you think that kicking her out will fix the problem.

But here's one thing: you have a year until your wedding. No one is interested in it right now more than you and your fiance. That's the truth.

Here's another thing: think about going to a wedding and sitting at a table with some friends. They all get to talking about the wedding party, etc... one girl sits there and goes "well, I was in the wedding party but the bride kicked me out." Inevitably, everyone will ask why and she'll go "because I was late to dress shopping."

Tell me the truth - how do you, the bride, come across in that situation? This is one reason why people say not to kick anyone out. The only person who comes out looking badly, damaging the friendship, and just appearing to be an all around zilla is the bride. Unfortunate, but true.

Leave her in the wedding. Revisit your annoyance with her in many months. By then, everything may have changed.

emarston1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:8d994c33-00ee-425f-ac62-f1e4055c088e">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanx for the help but I will go with my gut
Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

So essentially this is "Whatever, I do what I want!" but packaged all nice with a pretty bow.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

Pretty bows use better spelling than that, marston.

megk8oz · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:95db032d-da85-4a88-8e32-0e2846519f98">Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]I am thinking of dumping a bridesmaid. HELP.. She has been a negative nancy, the other girls and my mom see her, but she thinks she is doing everything ok. Our friendship has changed in the last year as well Has anyone had to do this? <strong>any suggestions?
</strong>Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

Yeah. Don't do it.

The only time it's acceptable to kick somebody from your WP is when you are absolutley 100% okay with the fact that you may never speak to this person again. It's a friendship-ending move. So if you're done being her friend, forever,then do whatever you want, because it doesn't matter if you hurt her feelings anyway-it's not like you consider her a friend anymore.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid dumping : Yeah. Don't do it. The only time it's acceptable to kick somebody from your WP is when you are absolutley 100% okay with the fact that you may never speak to this person again. It's a friendship-ending move. So if you're done being her friend, forever,then do whatever you want, because it doesn't matter if you hurt her feelings anyway-it's not like you consider her a friend anymore.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]
And if you're okay looking like a bridezilla. Because that's how it comes across to anyone who knows what happened, unless the bridesmaid was threatening to set you on fire, sleep with your FI or had cut up your wedding dress unprovoked.

kelly&wayne · June 2010

A while ago I was having the same problems with a BM of mine. She also had told me that she wasn't the biggest fan of my FI, but would "make the effort" for me. I was seriously considering dropping her from my WP, but decided that I wasn't prepared to lose her friendship all together. Since then I've been nothing but thrilled I didn't go with my original thought to dump her. She's been nothing but supportive and has started going out of her way to improve her relationship with my FI. If you're going to dump her from the WP (and consequently your friendship) think it through a great deal.

megk8oz · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:e2091d4e-2c73-47a6-8261-e3ded3043350">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]And if you're okay looking like a bridezilla. Because that's how it comes across to anyone who knows what happened, unless the bridesmaid was threatening to set you on fire, sleep with your FI or had cut up your wedding dress unprovoked.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

Well, yeah, this too. Unless you have her on film trying to seduce your FI or deliberately lighting your dress on fire, anybody who hears about it (And all of your mutual friends will, trust me, things like this aren't kept secret) is going to assume it's just the bride being a bitch.

But, Gotta, OP strikes me as the type that really doesn't care if people think that about her, so I didn't want to waste my time.

zitiqueen · June 2010

You guys just don't understand! Her wedding is over a year away and her MOH doesn''t want to go dress shopping! How dare she!!

gottahavashorti · June 2010

Very true. I was just thinking about any reasonable lurkers out there.

elizabethm4 · June 2010

Hmmm I was just watching an episode of Bridezillas, I think the girl's name is Shaundra, watch that before you "dump" a bridesmaid and you'll see how ridiculous you will look.

To summarize, bride kicks BM out of wedding because BM is late for an appointment. Bride looks like jackass. Then BM #2 doesn't want to assemble favor boxes. Ex-BM shows up and helps assemble boxes. Bride gives BM #2's dress to Ex-BM, reinstating formerly kicked out BM and kicking out another BM instead. Bride looks like bigger jackass.

I agree with everyone who said wait until you get closer to the wedding and see if you are still friends with this girl. If you still would want her at your wedding, you can't kick her out of the WP

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

This is just bad news. Didn't you know of her personality before you asked her to be in your bridal party?

I was in a wedding last year where the bride asked the MOH to step down to just BM status, because the bride's mother hated the MOH. MOH got very pissed and said if she wasn't the MOH then she wasn't coming to the wedding at all. It was just so dramatic. The bride and the MOH eventually did make up, but well after the wedding.

gaillamash · June 2010

For all you HATERS thank you.
All i need was so help and another view.

I am going to keep her in, and talk to her more. joy2611, and kelly&wayne you were the most helpful to me.

To the rest of you, thanx for thinking I am at bitch

Hahha maybe i am

Happy planning ladies.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

What the hell is "so help"?

Go back to school.

ohwhynot · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridesmaid-dumping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0f62fa21-6948-4544-9d3c-db5a692c57dfPost:35ab75cb-b02c-4ba2-bd8d-b3694d82a939">Re: Bridesmaid dumping</a>:
[QUOTE]even if she shows up an hour late for no reason to dress shopping, never wants to do anytihng, <strong>and thinks me wedding sucks</strong> really
Posted by gaillamash[/QUOTE]

I keep reading this in a pirate voice. Argh, matey!

megk8oz · June 2010

I didn't say you were a bitch, I said people would assume you were a bitch, because in these situations, when people find out (And they always do), they tend to think "Wow, the bride is a total bitch". Nowhere did I say "Everybody's going to think 'Oh, well since it's gaillamash, it was just her being a bitch' because that must be your M.O. with your nearest and dearest". People just tend to assume most brides in general are crazy, bitchy, bridezillas, just because they are brides. It had nothing to do with your personality.

I was basically trying to tell you that if you kick her our, people are going to ask why ... and telling them "Well, she was an hour late for dress shopping and the wedding's over a year away" most people are going to think "Wow, that was really bitchy, home girl needs a chill pill". If you perceived that as me out-right calling you a bitch, then I apologize for that, but I do not recant my advice.

Anyway, I'm glad you decided to wait it out a little longer before doing any permanent damage.

Blueyed228 · June 2010

Ill never understand why not wanting to go dress shopping is such a big friggin deal to some brides.

I have 7 BM's. I picked a day to go look at dresses myself, invited them all to come if they wanted to, some showed up, we picked a dress, I sent a pic via email to the rest of the girls, they liked them too, they all went on their own time to order them, end of story.

OP, the only person who thinks your wedding is the biggest thing this year is you. The only thing your girls are supposed to do is show up at your wedding, smile for pictures, fix your train once in awhile, and tell you how pretty you look.

Most of my BM's are moms who have limited time. I dont expect anything from them. A few of them even think weddings are silly and have zero interest in the fluffy details. Im not butt hurt about it, Im just glad they are going to be standing up there next to me, like they have been for the 10+ years we have been friends.

Keep in mind that hearing about your wedding for the next year is not the most exciting thing for some people.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

I wish my BMs hadn't wanted to go dress shopping. I wouldn't have had to spend so many hours in bridal shops. It took me one afternoon to find my own dress.

The plan was for my sister and I to go, find something my sister liked, and let the BMs choose dresses with the same designer, color, fabric and length. Somehow it turned into 3 dress shopping trips, 4 bridal shops, switching designers, then switching which line by the second designer. And somehow I ended up being there for every dress shopping trip. It would have been so much easier to go shopping with one person first.

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