Is it ok to back down?

Simply Fated · July 2010

I'm too scared to post this on TB. Pregnancy hormones scare me.

A few months ago I told my friend if she gets pregnant I would throw her a shower. I don't know why I was surprised she got pregnant. She can't afford a baby, but I knew she wasn't using birth control.

She says she really needs a shower because she can't afford baby stuff right now. *facepalm*
My other best friend and my mother are furious I agreed to this because, besides etiquette issues involved, I really can't afford this. I don't have a job and my bank account is not looking so good.

I already told her I would do this. Would it be poor etiquette of me to back down now? She isn't due until January.

I would buy her a car seat, which I know she needs, but they're really expensive and I don't even know if I can swing that, let alone a shower. I really don't know what to do.

quotequeen · July 2010

Well, it would be nice of you to do it, since you offered. But showers don't have to be expensive AT ALL. See if you can get a couple of mutual friends to help you throw the shower, use somebody's house, have it at 2 o'clock so you don't need a meal, forget the stupid games and decorations, and just have some snacks and drinks. The shower can also be your gift, you don't need to buy her a carseat.

But, you don't have to decide right now. If you are still unemployed in a few months, then just explain to her that you're sorry but there's no way you can swing it.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-back-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36616c34-7092-426e-b3d9-dface9e07b31Post:8ebf8dde-f066-4ecd-a051-c15337ff07cf">Re: Is it ok to back down?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, it would be nice of you to do it, since you offered. But showers don't have to be expensive AT ALL. See if you can get a couple of mutual friends to help you throw the shower, use somebody's house, have it at 2 o'clock so you don't need a meal, forget the stupid games and decorations, and just have some snacks and drinks. The shower can also be your gift, you don't need to buy her a carseat. But, you don't have to decide right now. If you are still unemployed in a few months, then just explain to her that you're sorry but there's no way you can swing it.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]
Than you for the reply! I'm not tryng to be difficult, I'm just really stumped.
There are no mutual friends to help. Because of her financial situation, and mine, our mutual friends have washed their hands of it.
There is also no house to hold it at. I don't even have the room, although if I did it would be ideal.
I also don't want to wait too long, so if someone else could hold it, they still can without her having to tell them, "Oh someone is already throwing me one." I'm spending most of next week with her and I know this will come up in conversation and I want to be ready.

Oh! And I mentioned the car seat because she mentioned she needed one. So I considered just getting her that instead of a shower, but I can't even afford a car seat.

JenGin74 · July 2010

If you can't do it, you can't do it. She's your friend, so hopefully she'll understand. You'll also need to plan for something to say in the event she tries to guilt trip you.

vegasgroom · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-back-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36616c34-7092-426e-b3d9-dface9e07b31Post:c7b60750-49eb-4c05-b743-b2b66fe10632">Re: Is it ok to back down?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are no mutual friends to help. Because of her financial situation, and mine, our mutual friends have washed their hands of it.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

If you do feel like going through with it and the mutual friends have bowed out, you're going to need all of her other friends' contact info anyway if you're hosting the party, so make new friends with them and ask them to help you throw it. Perhaps one of them has a house you could hold it at, then your investment into the shower will mostly be organizing everything, pitch in for some food or something and you can probably pull it all off with a few hours work and $20. As you call people, just tell them you're trying to put together her party but have no idea where to hold it and do they have any ideas.

My FI and I are having a baby shower for a friend soon, we're using my house, my FI is cooking appetizers, several of the other guests are bringing bits and pieces of what we'd need to have a bbq like buns, burgers, etc. We expect about 40 people to show up and I doubt any one person is spending more than $8 outside of whatever gift they may bring for the expecting mom.

I'm not surprised about your mutual friends' bowing out; I personally can't stand people who get themselves into "oops, looks like I'm pregnant" situations with no planning and no idea how they can afford a kid. I have so many people who I was friends with in high school that did the get pregnant young without thinking, maybe get married because of getting pregnant, get divorced when you realize you shoudln't have had a kid and shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, dead beat dad disappears, is broke or is in jail, now the broke mom half way raises the next iteration of herself for tax payers to burden themselves with. It's too bad people don't need to apply for getting pregnant.

barbbhoww · July 2010

Could you contact one of her family members and do it together? Explain your situtation and get some help.

ipen44 · July 2010

There are so many creative ideas for showers. You do not have to all get together in one place and have food and games and things, You could organize some unique shower that would allow her to get some supplies (wipes, diapers, gift cards) while still keeping in your budget.

Google around and see what you can find. I think you can still keep your word and not spend money. It does sound like she could use all the help she can get.

http://www.inexpensivebabyshower.com/baby-shower-planning-with-no-help.html

You can definatly wait until December to have the shower. It would also be appropriate to have the shower be your gift so that you can save a little there.

Kristin&eric · July 2010

I agree with Jen, if you can't do it finacially she should understand. I would just talk to her about it.

ledalia · July 2010

Ugh, even worse to me is people who plan on getting pregnant even though they can't afford it, like my best friend. She is married and has a two year old but she doesn't work and her husband makes very little money. She, as she says it herself, plans on raping the government for money as much as possible because she "deserves" it for having a baby. She is TTC and I don't think they have even paused to think about if they can afford another baby right now. So selfish!

Anyways, sorry for my rant... if you can't afford a shower, don't do it. Since she isn't due until January though I would wait a few more months to see if your financial decision changes. You could probably get away with just a few refreshments and snacks and let her family and friends bring the presents or buy her a less expensive gift. I didn't have any money for my best friend's first baby shower and I had to charge her gift - try to avoid doing that if possible!

rknox88 · July 2010

I'd wait a couple months and see what you can save between now and then. If you are still unemployed don't throw the shower. If you feel bad that you couldn't keep your word you can offer to get her the car seat like you mentioned of offer your aid, services, and support.

Being a new mom, with very few resouces, she could probably use an extra pair of hands for a while. Whether that means washing bottles and vaccumming, watching the baby while she runs some errands or takes a break, or just for someone to talk to about the stress and struggles. There are lots of ways to help her and be a good friend without throwing the baby shower.

In lieu of the shower and a brand new car seat see if she would like to go to garage sales or church rummage sales. While I don't recommend buying a carseat used there are tons of things you can get used-playpen/pack n play, clothing, toys, changing tables, bassinets, strollers, etc. While you are there she may find something she wants/needs and you could offer to foot the bill (which most likely would be much more affordable than a new car seat.)

Lisa8888 · July 2010

No its not OK to back down but if you don't have the financial means I guess you have no other choice but to back out of your promise.

Why on earth would you promise to throw her a baby shower a few months ago when you don't have the financial means to keep your word.

I think it is horrible that you made this promise and can't keep your word. I would suggest you try your hardest to keep your word and only back out as a last resort.

mags0607 · July 2010

If you really can't afford to throw her a shower, you need to be upfront with her and prepare her for that now. I don't know if your financial situation has changed between when you agreed to throw a shower and now, but you can't put yourself in financial trouble to throw a shower.

If you can't find anyone else to co-host or a location, you are going to have to bow out. I would expect some hurt feelings on your friend's end, since you did offer, but honesty is the best policy when it comes to things like this.

Goldlie11 · July 2010

I think that if you host the shower, then you shouldn't have to get a large gift. The dollar store sells nice, useful baby things really cheap (brand name).

You could also pull off the whole shower really cheap at Costco. The cakes are I believe $16. Get a sandwich platter, a couple of bags of chips, make some dip. You can also make deviled eggs really cheap. Pasta salad is another inexpensive side dish. Costco also sells a big bag of green salad. I'm pretty sure all of this would run you around $100. I don't know your budget, but does that seem doable?

If you volunteered, you should go through with it. I do think getting her family involved would help.

Simply Fated · July 2010

Some people mentioned that it would be okay if I financially couldn't do it, but it looks like more people said I have to go through with it than not... I should have had a clicky poll, this would have been easier.

JenGin74 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-back-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36616c34-7092-426e-b3d9-dface9e07b31Post:5a620b7e-c40c-4661-ba25-db3b21c1f8fe">Re: Is it ok to back down?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think its okay to back down. I'm guessing that you didn't tell her you would throw her a shower before you became unemployed. For as much as we tell brides that bms can back down if they don't have the money, I think this is the same thing. You shouldn't over-extend your budget just because of this. I like the PPs suggestions about ways to have a cheaper shower or other things that you could do. If she's really a close friend, I can't imagine her being too angry if you said 'So I know I promised I would throw you a shower, but now that I'm unemployed, I just can't afford it. I can help with with X, Y, and Z though."
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

I agree with this 100%

And honestly, it makes me angry that her friend "needs" the shower because she can't afford baby things. She should have thought about that before she got pregnant.

Goldlie11 · July 2010

I'm embarrassed to say that somehow I missed the part about you not having a job. Well, I would have a heart to heart with her and explain the situation. Maybe you could still have the shower at your home if it's big enough, but her family can contribute by buying all of the food. I've never been to a baby shower (besides work ones) that wasn't thrown by a family member. Isn't that the norm?

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-back-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36616c34-7092-426e-b3d9-dface9e07b31Post:f7dc573c-0b8d-4284-9be2-69c47f38e90d">Re: Is it ok to back down?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm embarrassed to say that somehow I missed the part about you not having a job. Well, I would have a heart to heart with her and explain the situation. Maybe you could still have the shower at your home if it's big enough, but her family can contribute by buying all of the food. I've never been to a baby shower (besides work ones) that wasn't thrown by a family member. Isn't that the norm?
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]
Some people actually frown upon family members throwing the shower. Personally, it doesn't bother me as long as it isn't the spouse throwing it. :)

Thank you guys for all these replies! Keep them coming!
Just so we're all on the same page... if I didn't directly reply to you, it doesn't mean I'm not reading what you said and taking your words to heart. I'm not a "selective reader." :)
I will, however, be away from my computer tonight, so if I don't reply at all, it doesn't mean I won't be back tomorrow catching up on what I missed. ;)

Goldlie11 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-back-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36616c34-7092-426e-b3d9-dface9e07b31Post:e57ed6e1-6091-455e-87c5-a461f289712b">Re: Is it ok to back down?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to back down? : Some people actually frown upon family members throwing the shower. Personally, it doesn't bother me as long as it isn't the spouse throwing it. :) Thank you guys for all these replies! Keep them coming! Just so we're all on the same page... if I didn't directly reply to you, it doesn't mean I'm not reading what you said and taking your words to heart. I'm not a "selective reader." :) I will, however, be away from my computer tonight, so if I don't reply at all, it doesn't mean I won't be back tomorrow catching up on what I missed. ;)
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
Interesting. I have actually attended a shower thrown by the spouse. I knew that bridal showers shouldn't be thrown by the parents, but not baby showers.

kmabjo · July 2010

Honestly, you told her wanting to be supportive BEFORE it ever happened. She nor you had it planned.

If you cannot afford it, do not throw one. Just tell her you are sorry but you too are having financial issues.

All baby showers I have been to have been thrown by the family.

mica178 · July 2010

The last baby shower I attended was at the girl's parents' house but it was hosted by the girl's friends. Could you at least find one of your friend's family members to "donate" her living room for the shower? Other family members might be willing to help with food/drinks. You might be able to do everything for very little money. If you want to.

You have until november/December to figure things out. For multiple reasons, I hope you have a job by then and your finances improve. If that's not the case, I think it's reasonable to tell her you can't throw the shower. There are a lot of other ways you can be supportive.

Is it ok to back down?

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