Etiquette

Advice on Plus 1's

Happy Memorial Day All.

I know many of you have already gone through the sending of invites for your weddings and I would love your input here.

We would invite evryone if money was no object (actually, maybe not). When we put together our invite list we only invited our single friends with a guest if they were in a long term relationship.

One of our friends has been single for a while. He was single when we sent out our save the dates and had only just started dating his new girlfriend. While we would have loved to be able to invite him with a plus one we didn't because we just didn't have the room.

He had asked me to help her get ready for a themed party they were attending. I had her over and helped her with hair and makeup. She mentioned that she was buying a new dress for our wedding and that our friend had just invited her as his date that night.

I think I said something along he lines "Oh, really? That's so sweet". I never thought I would hope some ppl couldn't make it to the wedding but we really don't have the space and can't afford any other guests than the ones we invited. I'm going to figure out how to get this girl in there because I was caught off guard and I don't want to offend her or him.

How should I handle this moving forward? I want to have it down before anyone else plus 1's.

Please advise.Undecided

Re: Advice on Plus 1's

  • Just say, "I'm really sorry, but we just don't have the budget/space for everyone to bring a guest.  Let's do dinner after the wedding, though!"  And then change the subject, quickly.

    It also helps to not talk about the wedding when you're around groups of people that aren't all invited.  None of my co-workers were invited, so I STFU about the wedding at work unless someone specifically asked about it.
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  • I know we all say expect 100% attendance, but don't you suppose there's a chance that even 1 person will RSVP no? I know it's rude that he kind of invited her on his own, but you didn't really nip it in the bid when she mentioned it, so I'm thinking it would be weird to go back now and say she can't come.
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  • He was single at the time of STDs.  Your wedding is at the end of July so have you sent the official invites yet?  If not, I'd include her on the invite because he's in a relationship now, you've spent some time with and seem to like her, and you had the opportunity to clear up the confusion during a conversation and didn't take it.  If invites have gone out and he's extended the invitaiton to her, yes it's rude on his part but will one guest really hurt your budget? 
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • Oh, and for any future add ons definitely use the "I'm sorry but we don't have the room to accommodate extra guests" routine.  I'm glad you're trying to figure out a way to make this particular situation work.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • We already sent the invites before this happened so he isn't invited with a guest but I'm still going to add her on because I think it's the right thing to do. I guess I was just thrown aback when she started talking about her dress for our wedding. It was so sweet. I'm just surprised that he asked her to go without running it by us first. Not a big deal but this happen a lot? My main concern besides the fact that we can't afford or fit too many additions is that I don't want to insult anyone.

    I just wanted to say the right thing to anyone else moving forward.

    I keep thinking, well it's July- ppl vacation then or are busy, etc.

    Thanks for the input.
  • Yeah, this is a very common situation around the boards.  I bet he just didn't know that he was being rude by asking her without her being officially invited.  He's a single guy; most single guys probably don't know proper etiquette in these situations.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • Someone's bound to RSVP no to make up for it. =-)  GL!
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:11296a89-7ffb-4589-9093-5252f7b29d72">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, this is a very common situation around the boards.  I bet he just didn't know that he was being rude by asking her without her being officially invited.  He's a single guy; <strong>most single guys probably don't know proper etiquette in these situations</strong>.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
    I shrudder at the thought of things that would or would not be planned if FI did any of the planning for our wedding on his own.  
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  • Thanks Mrs. B your belly picture is adorable! Pregnant Belly's in Polka Dots is what dreams are made of. GL to you too :)
  • Ha! Kelly that's funny- I remember the day my FFIL told me he didn't understand why it would take a whole year to plan a wedding, he felt it should be a day or 2 max.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:46be1a48-7bcd-496f-ad62-8f7fb0cc769b">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on Plus 1's : I shrudder at the thought of things that would or would not be planned if FI did any of the planning for our wedding on his own.  
    Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]

    I know, right?  I know that being a guy isn't an excuse for poor etiquette but in general, they can really be in the dark on a lot of things.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:c7d34b84-61aa-4694-8acd-4b2cbc540a67">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks Mrs. B your belly picture is adorable! Pregnant Belly's in Polka Dots is what dreams are made of. GL to you too :)
    Posted by AliandDan2010[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • I told him early on in our planning that his only responsibility was to show up on time and not be drunk for the ceremony.  :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:429ea6f4-5177-42ef-866c-1595eb52391d">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ha! Kelly that's funny- I remember the day my FFIL told me he didn't understand why it would take a whole year to plan a wedding, he felt it should be a day or 2 max.
    Posted by AliandDan2010[/QUOTE]

    i actually dont get why anyone needs a year either..... i did mine in about 3 months, which still left 4 months to twiddle my thumbs.
  • mushEmushE member
    100 Comments
    Ditto Mrs. B!  I attended a wedding with FI about 6 months into dating him, and only recently found out that the invite had only been extended to FI, and that FI asked his friend if he could bring me.  I still don't know if he asked before just RSVP'ing for both of us.  His friend was very gracious when they chatted about it, and said that FI could bring me along. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:45ac7014-7662-4268-88c0-d7da616a4167">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on Plus 1's : i actually dont get why anyone needs a year either..... i did mine in about 3 months, which still left 4 months to twiddle my thumbs.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]


    We went a year out to save some money.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:45ac7014-7662-4268-88c0-d7da616a4167">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on Plus 1's : i actually dont get why anyone needs a year either..... i did mine in about 3 months, which still left 4 months to twiddle my thumbs.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think it depends on where your venue is and how much in demand it is, as well as how popular the season you are getting married in is.  When I was looking for a venue with over 12 months to the wedding, most of the Saturdays in August were already booked!  Maybe it is a self-propagating thing, like everyone THINKS they need a year to plan, so they get their venue booked a year ahead of time, which means if you want to get your venue, you need to book a year ahead of time... and so on.</div>
  • edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:92bb0a85-a2dd-44ee-ad4d-a81eb43e0810">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]He was single at the time of STDs.  Your wedding is at the end of July so have you sent the official invites yet?  If not, I'd include her on the invite because he's in a relationship now, you've spent some time with and seem to like her, and you had the opportunity to clear up the confusion during a conversation and didn't take it.  If invites have gone out and he's extended the invitaiton to her, yes it's rude on his part but will one guest really hurt your budget? 
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This. If someone is dating at the time INVITATIONS go out, they should be invited. If someone starts dating someone 2 weeks before your wedding, tough cookies. But STDs can go out 6-12 months in advance-  plenty of time for someone to start a new relationship, and you should accommodate those scenarios in your final guest list.

    </div><div>Hopefully, if anyone else does this, they'll RSVP for two, so you'll have the opportunity to call and explain that the invitation was just for them.</div>
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  • ali, where in VT are you??  i grew up in the white river junction area.
  • I'd let this one slide.

    I planned my wedding in 10 days but M took 15 months.

    go figure
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254823e7-b5af-4be2-a2ac-1e661d6d084aPost:45ac7014-7662-4268-88c0-d7da616a4167">Re: Advice on Plus 1's</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on Plus 1's : i actually dont get why anyone needs a year either..... i did mine in about 3 months, which still left 4 months to twiddle my thumbs.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed. My wedding's July 10th.  I have no flowers, dress, music... eh.  It's going to be terrific either way.</div><div>
    </div><div>I also hand-addressed my 200 invitations, which I thought was fun and easy.</div><div>
    </div><div>Not typical... but every wedding's different!</div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Calypso we're up in the North East Kingdom. Burke/ Lyndon line. You're pretty close. I grew up in NY/NJ but FI grew up here- we've been here for 2 yrs. It's been a beautiful start to summer so far :)
  • the kingdom is beautiful... we have friends in the derby line area.  you cant beat vermont summers.... i just cant take the winters anymore, they are much more tolerable here in MA.
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