I don't want to post this on Facebook for a variety of reasons, and since no one on here really knows me personally I thought this would be a good place to put my honest thoughts out there and give me a way to vent about something that has me all tied up in knots at the moment.
The wedding I'm planning right now is my second. I got married young (a month after my 21st birthday) and we were only together 3 years. I separated from my ex-husband in August 2009 (the divorce took over a year to finalize) and started dating FI in late September. As time has gone on, I've gotten more and more certain my ex was cheating on me for the last month of our marriage. While I never cheated on him, I did start dating very soon after we split up, so it's never overly bothered me.
Until today. When we split up, he broke off all forms of communication with me and completely cut me out of his life. That still hurts a bit, as we had a great friendship before we started dating and I'd love to try and at least be civil friends. We live 9 hours apart so it's not like I'd see him any time, but I do miss our conversations. I don't really feel like our marriage fell apart for any reason other than we just weren't a good fit for each other, but he very much blames me for it.
The day I asked him for a divorce, he unfriended me on Facebook and over the next year also unfriended all my family and anyone who was a close friend with me because he didn't want me "spying" on him. That was part of why I suspected the cheating - he was hiding his new relationship from me. He has never told me where he lives (I forward any of his mail to his parent's house), and he's mentioned a "roommate" many times, which I suspected was far more than a roommate.
Fast forward to today. He popped up on one of my BM's facebook friend suggestions and she asked me who's baby was in his profile photo. I went on and looked at his profile (what I can see of it - he has me blocked from all but his cover and profile photos) to see a photo of a newborn baby girl. A few hours later, he uploaded a new photo - this time, of him in his police uniform with the baby. I traced back a few photos to find the ultrasound photo. Complete with comments from his new wife.
I'm a little emotionally overwhelmed. Until now, I've honestly felt a little guilty about getting remarried so soon. When I met up with my ex in December to exchange a few boxes of stuff we had of each other's, we had really pleasant conversation (mostly about cars - he still drives the car we bought together that I wanted but couldn't afford to keep after the divorce) but I felt really guilty about the fact FI was with me and tried to avoid showing my e-ring. When my ex and I split, he actually specifically asked me not to date FI because he could see that we were getting "too close" and didn't want to feel like I left him for someone else, so that's where the guilt comes from because I did exactly the opposite of what he asked.
And today, I get broadsided with the fact he was actually already remarried in December, with a baby on the way, to the girl I think he was cheating on me with.
I think the hardest part for me right now is the jealousy. My ex and I tried for two years to have a baby, but I never got pregnant. I see the newborn pictures, and the maternity photos I found on her facebook and all I can think is "that should have been me five years ago." One of the things I want the most in this world is children of my own, and to have tried and failed, and then see him with his new wife and daughter, is rather emotionally trying. On one hand, I'm glad we never had kids because it would have led to a ton of heartache down the road, but on the other hand, I can't think about it without wishing it had happened. If I'd gotten pregnant when we were trying, I would have a five year old right now, and that hurts to think about. He got what I want so badly.
I've had baby fever for six or seven years now. It keeps getting worse. My brother's kids are now 2 1/2 and 1, and I know that their cousins are going to be far younger than they are, which makes me sad because I grew up with cousins my age and I know my kids will be significantly younger than theirs. Friends are getting pregnant it seems constantly and it just makes me wish even more. I keep telling myself soon! I know you "should" wait to have kids until you've been married for a while, but I'm ready. I've been ready. I'll be 27 this year and I'm starting to feel my biological clock ticking. Seeing my ex and his new daughter is making it hard to even wait six more months. I had a 'scare' two months ago (I was late, and woke up one morning throwing up), but it turns out it was just a stomach bug. When the test came up negative, I actually started crying because I wanted it so badly to be positive. Even if it would have wrecked all my planning, I wanted it to be positive. I never told FI about my reaction because he was hoping for a negative, because he wants to wait until after we're married and settled.
Anyway. I don't really expect comments or anything helpful. I just needed to write all this out and put it into words. I honestly think some of it's stuff I can't tell FI, though I told him a lot of this earlier because he wanted to know how I honestly felt, but I'm not sure how he'd take the fact I feel like that should have been me in the maternity photos, and that should have been my baby girl he was holding. I know most of this is stuff I won't tell friends or family. It's just too personal. The fact I don't really "know" any of you gals is what's enabling me to type out what I'm feeling honestly and just put it out there.
So. Thanks for listening to my rambling. I'm hoping I can get my mind and emotions to stop spinning so I can get some sleep before work tomorrow.