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Moms and Maids
rae1200
member
Killer BM!!
One of my BMs is starting to cross the line from being disagreeable to completely unreasonable. When choosing a bridesmaid dress I made the decision to let my bridesmaids keep their own since of style whiles adhering to my wants. I have told everyone that I want the dress to be by the same designer and they must be the same color, length and fabric. They can choose whatever style top they would like. Since all of the BMs heights vary considerably I thought it best for everyone to wear a full length gown…. Well only one BM is giving me grief about the dress by saying”I’m too short to wear a full length gown” “Why are you putting so many restrictions on the dress?? We will never find anything within those guidelines” and last but not least “I can only afford to spend up to $50.00 for a dress…TJ Maxx has great dresses!!!!” I was in shock when I heard the last one. First off…I am having a semi-formal wedding…How does she think we can find a semi-formal gown at TJ Maxx??? --- I couldn’t understand why she has been sending me pics of Jim Hjelm , Bill Levkoff, LAZARO dresses when she couldn’t afford them! She knew the price points of those designers. I’m sorry but I couldn’t even put her in a David’s Bridal gown for $50.00. I understand that she is under a lot of financial stress but at what point do I step in and say enough is enough? Why did she even agree to be in the wedding if she couldn’t afford it?? I am contemplating on giving her an “out” from being my bridesmaid but I am worried it may forever damage our friendship. BUT in all honestly this has showed me that this friendship has started to circle the drain.
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Re: Killer BM!!
[QUOTE]We have discussed several different designers and all of the price points for each designer many times…this is the first I have heard of her price cap. And yes there are pretty dresses at TJMaxx…but I find it hard to believe that I will find something from there that I will like for each of my BMs. (in the same fabric, color and length) while allowing them to keep their <strong>since</strong> of style. That has always been a stipulation from the beginning. <strong>It is my wedding and I get final say so over the dress</strong>. I could understand if I was having a casual wedding and the BMs could wear a nice sundress but that is just not the case. Forgive me if I sound like a Bridezilla but <strong>she knew what she was getting into from the start and now I feel forced to make a decision that may forever scar our friendship.</strong> At one point in the wedding planning my fiancé and I were tossing around the idea of a destination wedding in Jamaica…<strong>She said she could pay for her way…but now she can’t pay for a reasonable bridesmaid dress</strong>.
Posted by rae1200[/QUOTE]
I thought it was a typo the first time around but it is SENSE
Then just pick the dang dress yourself since you get the final say anyway.
Things change and sometimes what people thought that they could afford at first may not be what they can afford now.
So you would seriously ruin a friendship because she can't afford the type of dress you want? It is a f***ing dress! Why don't you stop b$tching (like I said before) and be a friend to her and possibly help her out the best you can...like pay for the difference and tell her to pay you back when she can or just pay for it and be happy that you still have a friendship.
Think about how you would feel if you were the one in her position. What if when she asked you to be a BM you were able to afford whatever the dress cost, but now, things may have changed, and you can only afford a $50 dress. How would you feel if your friend b$tched and complained that you were being unreasonable and threatening to kick you out because of your lack of funds. I bet you would feel really sh$tty, wouldn't you.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Killer BM!! : I thought it was a typo the first time around but it is SENSE Then just pick the dang dress yourself since you get the final say anyway. Things change and sometimes what people thought that they could afford at first may not be what they can afford now. So you would seriously ruin a friendship because she can't afford the type of dress you want? It is a f***ing dress! Why don't you stop b$tching (like I said before) and be a friend to her and possibly help her out the best you can...like pay for the difference and tell her to pay you back when she can or just pay for it and be happy that you still have a friendship. Think about how you would feel if you were the one in her position. What if when she asked you to be a BM you were able to afford whatever the dress cost, but now, things may have changed, and you can only afford a $50 dress. How would you feel if your friend b$tched and complained that you were being unreasonable and threatening to kick you out because of your lack of funds. I bet you would feel really sh$tty, wouldn't you.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
When did I ever say that I have confronted her about it?? and I HAVE certantly never called her out or threatened to KICK her out of the wedding. It looks like you take things and twist them around. And as I am paying for her travel, lodging and hair and make up I dont think that I am asking for too much.
I'm sorry if you have had some friction with her recently over other issues, but honestly, if $50 is all she can afford, why not keep it simple and have her kick in $50 towards the dress and you cover the rest?
From your other posts, my question to you is why did you even ask her to be a part of your day in the first place. If she is a friend, you should know how she is and I doubt that this is the first time that she has exhibited this controlling and blunt behavior. But since you can't kick her out you need to deal with the dress situation. Just let her get a dress that she can afford...DB always has sales and such...I am sure she can find something suitable to wear there that is in her price range.
I could look at pics of Vera Wang dresses with one of the DDs, but if we haven't had a specific conversation about it that doesn't mean she is getting it.
I'm wondering if there some assumptions on both sides here and just a lack of clear communication.
It sounds like there are a lot of frustrations in your relationship that have nothing to do with the dress, so I understand why you are probably a little upset. But as far as the dress goes, if all she can afford is a $50 dress, it isn't a hill worth dying on if you can find an alternative. I would do some research on my own at places like Macy's or Herbergers or something and see if you can find a decent dress on sale that will work for both of you. Or tell her to go find a dress that meets with your guidelines and see what she comes up with.
[QUOTE]I haven’t asked anyone the shell anything out NOW....This all happened in a general conversation. I have not even confronted her about the price point yet..I don’t expect us to actually go shopping for at least a few months but I think it would be better to solve this issue now rather than later when she has to tell me in front of everyone at the bridal store that she is the only one that cant pay for the dress...this was a vent session in hopes of getting an idea of how to approach such a subject with a friend when<strong> our relationship is already on the rocks</strong>. And yes the dress is the tip of the iceberg (and it most always is when it comes to stuff like this) I feel that I have bent over backwards to keep this relationship going.<strong> I have 5 bridesmaids and NONE of them care what the price is.</strong>..They are just happy to be in the wedding to celebrate our big day. I appreciate everyone’s input. Most of you have been brutal but Hey that’s what these posts are about!! :) You have all given me plenty to think about.
Posted by rae1200[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Try not focusing on the wedding aspect of your problems with her and start having honest/heart felt conversations with her about your friendship and things that might be troubling one another. This might actually solve some of your building stress and aggravation you have with her. Not to be a downer but friendships do come and go, but friendships that usually stay for a long time are because the people have open, honest, understanding, and respectful conversations with one another. </div><div>
</div><div>As for your other girls being willing to pay anything. It doesn't matter if they will spend anything on your "vision", you STILL need to respect and understand that THIS BM doesn't feel comfortable in spending over $50 on a dress she is never going to wear again. </div><div>
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I gotta say I sympathize with the bride here. When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you agree to buy the dress the bride chooses. Is it really that unreasonable for a bride to want uniformity at her wedding? And although this bride may not have asked her BMs for their budget, she inculded them in the search of a designer and gave them a ball park figure of how much each designer cost. That was the time for any BM who had a problem with it to take the bride aside and express her concerns. This BM chose to wait. And I have to say, it seems like the bride chose a designer with pretty low cost BM dresses. You should expect to pay about $200 for a BM dress. You would have to be living under a rock if you dont know that
Solution: have your BMs buy their dresses later so she has time to save up money. Or you can pay the difference yourself. Or you could give a swatch of fabric to each BM and ask them to find whatever dress they would like in that color. It may not be ideal for a bride but atleast you get to keep your BMs happy with the end result being a drama free wedding
[QUOTE]Wow, I feel you are all being very unfair. I think when expressing an opinion it is important to be tactful and calling people names like the "B" word and dropping f bombs is ridiculous especfially since you dont know the whole story. I gotta say I sympathize with the bride here. <strong>When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you agree to buy the dress the bride chooses. Is it really that unreasonable for a bride to want uniformity at her wedding? And although this bride may not have asked her BMs for their budget, she inculded them in the search of a designer and gave them a ball park figure of how much each designer cost. That was the time for any BM who had a problem with it to take the bride aside and express her concerns. This BM chose to wait. And I have to say, it seems like the bride chose a designer with pretty low cost BM dresses. You should expect to pay about $200 for a BM dress. You would have to be living under a rock if you dont know that Solution: have your BMs buy their dresses later so she has time to save up money</strong>. Or you can pay the difference yourself. Or you could give a swatch of fabric to each BM and ask them to find whatever dress they would like in that color. It may not be ideal for a bride but atleast you get to keep your BMs happy with the end result being a drama free wedding
Posted by MariodoMujer[/QUOTE]<div>Then I must live under a rock because I have never spent over $150 for a BM dress and that is because I was <strong>comfortable</strong> with that price. My best friend got married her MOH just got out of Grad school and had very little cash to spend. My best friend want a certain dress and just decided to buy it for her because she CARED about her FRIEND over a <em>dress</em>.</div><div>
</div><div>I actually don't care if a Bride does uniformity but if a BM HAS a problem with the dress chosen then the Bride needs to rethink her "vision" because no "vision" should hurt or destroy a friendship.</div><div>
</div><div> As for the Bride giving the BMs what designer she was going with which gives the ballpark of the price, that STILL doesn't help the BMs. What friend wants to tell another friend that they are not financially able or comfortable in paying when the Bride has her heart set on something. SO many problems can be prevented if a Bride just has the courtesy to ASK her BMs BEFORE looking, and RESPECT the friend's budget and pick out a dress in that range.
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Yes, currently it is not uncommon for bridesmaid dresses costing $150-200. That does not mean that everyone can afford those costs. The most expensive dress I purchased for a wedding was $240, the cheapest so far has been $40 (plus $10 shipping). There are lovely dresses in all different budgets.
If your relationship with this friend is on the rocks anyway, why rock the boat by making a big deal over a dress? Also, if your wedding isn't until May 2012, keep in mind a lot of things could change. Someone could get pregnant, or laid off, or God forbid have an accident or a medical issue that makes them unable to afford the dress or to stand on your wedding day or need to buy a maternity dress. That is life, and life happens.
I understand it is frustrating if your friend gave you the impression that she could afford the original dress, but she cannot. So figure something out.