The first of many guilty reflections

motoLyn · December 2011

So I finally got through to the condo owner and am securing a condo for the wedding for FI, MOH, BM and I. Then I decided it was time to update the wedding website with airline info. Helping people find direct flights there. I know Hawaiian Airlines doesn't have direct flights but I have racked up enough miles that I can get a R/T to Maui from them. But goodness gracious tickets are expensive. I was ready for like $500-$600 but tickets were over $800 R/T. So now I'm having a major guilt trip about asking family and friends to spend that much to come to the wedding on top of the costs for lodging and misc. costs. Bleh....

I know that June is an expensive month, but we were doing it then because of our siblings that are left in school. I think June, July and August are all the same in costs. Too late to move the date now. I had originally aimed for an April wedding.

I need words of wisdom, did any of you ladies feel this way and if so how did you get over it?

kaesha · December 2011

I think it helps to remember that you're offering people the chance to come to Hawaii, you're not twisting their arms. They're adults who can make their own decisions about how to spend their money. And, if they choose not to come because of the cost, you have to accept that and move on from there too. You can't do anything about the airline costs, but you can do stuff for the guests once they're on the island to make them feel special. I know ours loved the extra activities, the welcome bags and even just hanging out for dinner and drinks spur-of-the-moment one night.

Tanq&Tonic · December 2011

Ditto everything Alyson said!

You might also want to consider contacting a travel agent as sometimes they get insider rates. I'd also keep an eye out on kayak and other sites that aggregate tickets.

I think the cheapest we saw them for was $400. They spiked up at $500-600 about 6 months in advance, and then started getting cheaper around the 1-2 month part. It depends how much risk you and your guests are willing to carry on those prices, but I think they still go up and down at this point in the year.

motoLyn · December 2011

Thanks ladies, FI and I totally understand the risk of some guest not attending because of costs. I have nothing against them. It was a risk we took when we decided to get married in Maui. I am planning out a welcome BBQ, welcome bags and small touches and activities for the guests that are coming. People have asked me where we are registered, and I told them we haven't because we didn't want guests to buy us any gifts. Their presence there is more than enough.

I guess I was afraid of people thinking that FI and I were asking too much of them to attend a wedding in Maui when we could have had our wedding at home. But Alyson hit it on the nail, that these people are adults and they can decide if they want to attend or not. If it turns out to be a small wedding party so be it, more food for us.

kimmykupcakes · December 2011

Lyn- Hawaiian does have some direct flights. It just depends on where you are flying out of. You can also set up a wedding discount with them. It's only for 5%, but it helps. I'm surprised that tickets are that expensive. I just bought my daughter's and mom's tickets and with the discount and taxes they were just over $1000 for both of them roundtrip. Yes, our wedding is a couple weeks after yours, but it's on a holiday weekend so it should actually be more expensive.

WinstonsGirl · December 2011

Hey Lyn, we've tried to give our guests as much notice as possible. We told everyone as soon as we'd decided, to give everyone over a year out to plan. Still, some people are only just thinking about it now. We're also offering a bunch of optional activities as everyone else mentioned, and we're planning to pay for snorkel equipment rentals on that day. We figured, if people want to come, they will, and if not then they'll miss out on a kick ass party!!

But it's their decision. It also helps that most of our guests are quite settled with jobs and such, and most with kids have under 2's, so they travel free

jennayo · December 2011

Ditto to everything else, we have had the same thoughts multiple times but we're getting married 1/11/13 so we cant book flights, hotel yet.

Most of our guests who we invited are close friends and family, and the ones we thought probably wouldn't come due to cost were first to tell us early that they would be there regardless of cost.... so it may suprise you. Alot of the guests told us already that it gives them a great chance and opportunity to visit the islands, and it was something off their bucket list.

If you still feel guity, give them a list of higher end and lower end hotels, ways to cheapen up the flights- dates that are cheaper, airports that cut down on layovers, airlines that give deals.

In re: to registry, we decided we weren't going to do bachelorette/ bachelor parties or showers because they were spending enough to come there. We've explained that point to them and most were very receptive and seemed to appreciate it.

If you're concerned about registering/ gifts, write something on the invite about "your presence is your gift to us". If AHR, then they could also get you something (or they'll just give you cash anyways...) if they wanted to. They have the choice to go above and beyond... again they are grown adults.

Its YOUR wedding, and YOUR dream. 5 years from now they'll remember the fun time they had in Maui and not the money it took to get there, and they'll remember how uniquely you the wedding was.

jtoly · December 2011

I agree with everyone and only wanted to add that my flights in May are $790 R/T. That was the least expensive flight I could find from my area. The most expensive was $1100 so once I saw the $780 price I booked ASAP!

SunshinyLees · December 2011

When we originally started looking at flights from Vancouver, they were in the $750-$800 range back in May/June. Then they dropped to the $650 range late summer, and then to $550 early fall and then to $400!!!! Wait it out for a seat sale, some of our guests did book right away and paid the premium prices, but most booked when the price came down to $650 and $550 and then there were a few lucky ones that held out and lucked out with the $400 fares!!Hope this helps,
Lees

memegrace · December 2011

i agree with everyone, esp. what Kaesha said! I too have gone through feeling very guilty many times!! Coming from Alberta means only a few direct flight options and it comes at a cost. Also, we are going during peak at the end of March (our spring break) as my brother is a teacher and this is when he could get off, also it fell on our anniversary day, and worked out with where we are at in our life (have a baby) and hoping for one after the wedding. Costs for flights have been between 1000-1500 per ticket and going up. yikes! Plus accommodations are not cheap at that time. We did give everyone 1 plus year notice and many knew for years we would get married away. For friends on a major budget, I have scoured for extreme cheap accomms (such as hostels, and roomshare, etc) After doing this for lots of people and finding it exsuasting, I have gone back to my original "if you can come awesome, if not, no worries but you are responsible for yourself!" and stopped trying to do everything for everyone. One of my childhood friends had said they want to come from the get go and would not miss it for the world, then as it approaches, she said it's hard for her to get it off work, then we got it figured out she could come for a long weekend spread) Then she said, it's too expensive and she can't afford it and was making me feel aweful about this-so then i find lots of CHEAP options, all which she says no too much ($35 per night for accomms!) all the while goes out and buy new couch, tickets to expensive concerts, new phone, goes out all the time and drives a 70,000 vehicle around..etc. Ive had to just let it all go and not take it personally because IT IS a cost to people. The thing I have learned at this point, is im not going to feel guilty, and im not going to get tied up in people's excuses to make me feel that way!!!

kaesha · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_hawaii_first-of-many-guilty-reflections?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:73Discussion:a896c342-8b08-42f2-863a-d24bbadaf970Post:bb00c31c-e313-470a-abbe-91e285b11c2c">Re: The first of many guilty reflections</a>:
[QUOTE]i agree with everyone, esp. what Kaesha said! I too have gone through feeling very guilty many times!! Coming from Alberta means only a few direct flight options and it comes at a cost. Also, we are going during peak at the end of March (our spring break) as my brother is a teacher and this is when he could get off, also it fell on our anniversary day, and worked out with where we are at in our life (have a baby) and hoping for one after the wedding. Costs for flights have been between 1000-1500 per ticket and going up. yikes! Plus accommodations are not cheap at that time. We did give everyone 1 plus year notice and many knew for years we would get married away. For friends on a major budget, I have scoured for extreme cheap accomms (such as hostels, and roomshare, etc) After doing this for lots of people and finding it exsuasting, I have gone back to my original "if you can come awesome, if not, no worries but you are responsible for yourself!" and stopped trying to do everything for everyone. One of my childhood friends had said they want to come from the get go and would not miss it for the world, then as it approaches, she said it's hard for her to get it off work, then we got it figured out she could come for a long weekend spread) <strong>Then she said, it's too expensive and she can't afford it and was making me feel aweful about this-so then i find lots of CHEAP options, all which she says no too much ($35 per night for accomms!) all the while goes out and buy new couch, tickets to expensive concerts, new phone, goes out all the time and drives a 70,000 vehicle around..etc. Ive had to just let it all go and not take it personally because IT IS a cost to people. </strong> The thing I have learned at this point, is im not going to feel guilty, and im not going to get tied up in people's excuses to make me feel that way!!!
Posted by memegrace[/QUOTE]

Good lesson! I think a LOT of people have problems spending on vacations - especially if it means changing their lifestyle to not have the newest gadgets or fanciest car. People have the right to prioritize how they want to spend their money - and it's important to step back and not be hurt by that. For many, absolutely a new couch would be seen as much more of a necessity than a vacation. (We, on the other hand, are sitting on my parents' 20 year old hand-me down, but have our savings for our next vacation all ready to go.)

The awkward dynamic really seems to come to because it seems so cold hearted to say, "Sorry, we love you guys, but there are things I'd rather spend money on than your wedding", and so people aren't honest about it. They may say it's too expensive (and for many it is), but when you see them buy other stuff, that hurts because you've realized that what they really meant was that other things were more important to them.

I guess what I'm saying is there comes a stage when you have to realize that it's not personal and to try not let it bother you.

miltran · December 2011

Agree with everyone else. I didn't even think I was feeling guilty about this but then the past couple of nights I've been having terrible dreams about the wedding and how expensive it is for my family etc etc. But everyone on here is absolutely right....in the end the invited are all adults and capable of deciding if they can or can not afford it.

Also, if you sign up for alaskan airlines cc then once a year you get a $99 companion flight when you purchase a full fare round trip ticket. I posted this info on our wedding wbsite and I'm not sure if any guests have tried it or not but FI and I did and that saved us a lot of money right there....

MrsKathyC · December 2011

Go check out Beat of Hawaii website. You can sign up for their emails that let you know of all sorts of travel deals.

And we actually saved money booking ourselves vs. a travel agent, and we got an airport closer to our home instead of going to another state.

The first of many guilty reflections

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