RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!

ricksang · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:859eb5dc-0331-4cfb-a449-8d9b41e283f6">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : I don't necessarily agree with this. I think that if you seek the opportunity, you can find it. True, not everyone gets to study abroad or do an intership in an amazing city, but you can still find opportunities that you may not be able to do when you're married.
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

Yes, I agree with this, but maybe her getting married to this guy is what she considers HER opportunity. Maybe she has wanted to be a wife and mother her whole life. My BFF is this way. Not my ideal choice but whatever. Who are we all to decide what is and is not an opportunity to someone? I think there are a lot of other factors to consider besides age when getting married. Generally young people are not mature enough to get married but there are exceptions.

JessAndTrav · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:c0a4b7e6-0d91-43e9-873c-8bce7c062c69">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : Well then, my analysis goes a little deeper and perhaps more personal... It sounds like you haven't experienced any real freedom and independence yet. Coming from a broken home and not having anyone else to fall back on might lead you to "hitch your wagon" to the first stable situation you come across. I'm sorry that you've had a hard time, and I can actually empathize; just make sure that you're going into your marriage from a position of strength, not weakness.
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

We're definitely on the same page tonight, Expat.

As I said before, I came from a troubled homelife myself, and when I was 16, I moved in with my aunt to get away from the instability of my own home. Being given this opportunity was one of the defining moments in my life, because it kept me thinking positive, focusing on goals and that sort of thing. I know how painful it can be to have a bad homelife, the lonliness you feel, etc, because I've been there. But I also have been lucky enough to overcome the battles in my life and come out on top.

My mom (who has been able to get her life together since my teenage years ),told me recently that she is incredibly proud of the choices that I've made. She told me that she was glad that I put myself and my experiences before the desire to get married. She always says, "you did it right." because I took care of myself and made sure that my life was in order before I got married.

You seem very level headed and you appear to be on the right path of thinking, but I encourage you to start saving up and stop living with your FI. You deserve the opportunity to live on your own. I am also glad to see that you said that it could always be pushed back further than 2 years from now.

ricksang · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:ed56d119-181e-4bba-a29a-5acfab6b28a1">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]Rick and Nugget - Perhaps I'm jaded. I received scholarships that helped pay for my studies in Europe. Nearly all of it was paid for the first time, and about a quarter of it the second time... I'll give you that being in a priviledged situation lead to those opportunities, however. It does seem normal to me because almost all of my friends had those types of experiences. Thanks for the heads up ;)
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

It's okay and I am totally jealous so there ;P

saschaduran · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:078e2080-42e6-4f86-a498-2c0405d523e8">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]So things that you think she might be missing, could very well be things that wouldn't happen anyways. And if you constantly are worried about what you could be missing out on, you'll never be happy with what you've got in your life that's good.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I like that nugget...it took me a while to feel that way. I was a teen mom, yet I was lucky enough to experience many things most girls wouldn't, but some things I did miss out on. But overall...it all worked out great.

OP...generally I hate young marriage. I feel people change tremendously. That being said I think there are many exceptions. My sister married her first boyfriend after 4 years and I think they are absolutely perfect...it has been about 6 yrs now. She is a different person than me and was very mature and settled. I needed to grow and change and l am grateful I never considered marriage in my 20s.

It sounds like you are being mature and putting thought into everything. And I think the long engagement is very smart.

nda_roxybabe · January 2010

Well I'm going to stop my post whoring and go to bed. Night ladies!

JessAndTrav · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:ed56d119-181e-4bba-a29a-5acfab6b28a1">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]Rick and Nugget - Perhaps I'm jaded. I received scholarships that helped pay for my studies in Europe. Nearly all of it was paid for the first time, and about a quarter of it the second time... I'll give you that being in a priviledged situation lead to those opportunities, however. It does seem normal to me because almost all of my friends had those types of experiences. Thanks for the heads up ;)
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

I came from dirty poor and have been able to travel abroad twice. I worked my butt off for the first trip (spring break in Europe), and for the second trip (a mission trip to Tokyo) we did a fundraiser, and the rest was donated.

sgervais88 · January 2010

nda_roxybabe - I LOVE LOVE LOVE Charleston!! Just bring him there once and he will too lol. It is soo much nicer than Myrtle Beach.

Koopa17 · January 2010

My FI and I have been together since we were 15 as well, we are 24 now, getting married in March. We've been teased for years about not being married yet, etc...but we both needed to be set in our careers and stable on our own before we got married. We felt it was the best way to ensure that we would have a healthy marriage. Sure we could have been married earlier, but there is a HUGE difference in maturity at 21 versus 24, in our eyes.

nda_roxybabe · January 2010

Yes Charleston is amaziiing. I know once he sees it he will want to move.

JessAndTrav · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:a0d2fb48-66bf-446c-b9a9-b8b21255adb4">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : Yes, I agree with this, but maybe her getting married to this guy is what she considers HER opportunity. Maybe she has wanted to be a wife and mother her whole life. My BFF is this way. Not my ideal choice but whatever. Who are we all to decide what is and is not an opportunity to someone? I think there are a lot of other factors to consider besides age when getting married. Generally young people are not mature enough to get married but there are exceptions.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

I do agree with this. As I stated, I just like to encourage young girls to live their life before they settle, but I'm also the one who posted the other day about being frustrated about young brides that I know. None of which seem to have the level head of gervaise.

JessAndTrav · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:82d8de74-dc1b-4904-8d66-73b164b39dd1">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been together since we were 15 as well, we are 24 now, getting married in March. We've been teased for years about not being married yet, etc...but we both needed to be set in our careers and stable on our own before we got married. We felt it was the best way to ensure that we would have a healthy marriage. <strong>Sure we could have been married earlier, but there is a HUGE difference in maturity at 21 versus 24, in our eyes.</strong>
Posted by Koopa17[/QUOTE]

And that's why I have my view point. This statement.

ExpatPumpkin · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:afb915d3-66bb-4e15-aad9-89437f133006">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : I came from dirty poor and have been able to travel abroad twice. I worked my butt off for the first trip (spring break in Europe), and for the second trip (a mission trip to Tokyo) we did a fundraiser, and the rest was donated.
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

I completely understand. What wasn't covered by scholarships was paid for by me :)

sgervais88 · January 2010

I have class tomorrow afternoon, so I'm going to call it a night. But I just wanted to thank everyone for their opinions, and I'm glad it wasn't just a lot of "You're too young, it won't last, etc" like we have been getting from friends lately. I'm definitely going to let him read all these tomorrow and talk about it. Valid points out there that we hadn't really thought about.

For those who said it was smart to have a long engagement, one that could potentially be pushed off if necessary (and it may be when we get there), thanks I was worried some people would think it was long because we weren't sure it was what we wanted.

ExpatPumpkin · January 2010

Gervais - After reading all of your posts, my impression is that you seem to demonstrate an uncommon level of maturity and self-awareness for your age. I think that you'll beat the odds.

Just remember that you are not your family, and that you deserve the best from life. That may be a future with FI, or it may not. Don't settle - and good luck!

(I'm not saying that marrying FI would be settling because I have no idea... Just make sure that it isn't.)

ricksang · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:6c45beb5-d265-4cce-bd7f-d8f8b5d4e24d">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : I do agree with this. As I stated, I just like to encourage young girls to live their life before they settle, but I'm also the one who posted the other day about being frustrated about young brides that I know. <strong>None of which seem to have the level head of gervaise.
</strong>Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

Yes. My sister would be one of these for sure1

thesuninherhead · January 2010

There's a difference between 21 and 24 which is also cognitively mediated. During your early twenties, your brain is still developing and thus your personality is becoming more stable. Also, on an environmental level, I think that for university students moving on into the 'real world', a lot changes as you both go into careers and become settled with a better idea of the direction in which your career will take you.

I lived with my ex for essentially our whole relationship, from the age of 17 to 22. Do I regret doing that? Not at all, but at the same time, I am so glad that we didn't rush into anything like engagement or marriage; not because I've done a 180 now and think he's a horrible person, but rather because at that age I couldn't predict the ways in which we may change as we grew, and it happened to turn out that despite our best intentions, we grew in ways that left us happier apart. I would never have guessed that we would have broken up, and our families were convinced at the time that we were perfect for one another. It wasn't about my perception of our relationship being horribly off or us being naive, but it was about the fact that when you're 19, you don't realise quite the extent of the possibility of change (both personality and general life direction) that is coming your way in your early-mid twenties.

Anyway OP- I think it's justified that others are concerned, but at the same time, I applaud you for not rushing into anything. There's simply no need- not to mention the fact that financially if you're going to be paying for the wedding, it usually makes sense to wait until you've got stable careers and savings, given the high cost of the whole event.

agk0125 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:cf17b5fb-32c9-4c33-a287-376415773c12">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]FWIW, I think you're too young too... I'd rather see a 19-year-old living with girlfriends, studying abroad, taking an internship in New York, etc. Not practicing for marriage :( I think you're giving up A LOT by living with a man at such a young age...
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

This. I had a very serious bf all through college and as a result I didn't persue any opportunities because I didn't want to be away from him. Looking back I realize two things:

1. I wish I had taken advantage of the opportunities that are really only available during college (such as living and studying abroad) and

2. If I had been as mature as I thought I was I would have branched out more REGARDLESS of my relationship status.

FI and I both jump on the opportunity to work on projects in different cities and whenever one of us is offered something like that we jump on it. In my college relationship I always turned these things down because I "just couldn't bare to be away" from that raging D-bag I dated. Real maturity is being able to trust the other person to be without you, know that being apart isn't the end of the world, and to work toward realizing your own goals and desires.

It'll be very easy for you to settle into just playing house and wasting your glory days. If you're as mature as you claim you'll be able to balance your relationship and your need to gain life experience.

BecW2be · January 2010

I'm not going to flame you, but I will encourage you to live on your own or with a roomate who is NOT your FI or a member of his family. It's very easy to fall into a life that's almost pre-calculated for you, without having the opportunity to explore your options. Even if it's a dorm room, you need your little space in the world that's yours and yours only. It gives you an opportunity to become self-sufficient and independent, and without reliance on FI or his family in any way.

I got married at 16. I was married for almost 16 years, and it was not a bad marriage. It was HARD being married and completing HS, then college, all while being student, wife, mom, etc. but I did it and I thought we were happy. The truth is, we grew up. We grew into completely different people than who each of us married. We didn't relate on any level, he resented me for wanting to move up in the world, I resented him for holding me back, and he ended up hating me in the end, and treating me likeshit until I hated him right back.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, and I was the first in line to say it wouldn't happen to me, but the truth is the odds ARE stacked highly against you. You get tired of hearing things will fail, so you get stubborn and stay in a marriage that you know is not right for the sake of proving everyone wrong. In the end, the only one who was wrong is you. I'm speaking for my situation, of course.

I wasted a lot of time trying to be Michael's wife, and not enough time trying to figure out who Rebecca is. Now that I've had that opportunity, I'm a COMPLETELY different person. People who knew me the entire time are astounded at how much younger I look, and how much happier I am. All from just having the opportunity to find myself. To find out who I really am without having to figure out how I fit into someone else's life.

I'm not telling you to dump him or postpone your wedding, or anything of the sort, and I'm certainly not judging you. I just think you have a great chance right now to explore who you are for 2 years. Live alone. Make some new friends. Focus on school and your love for FI, and work on you love for yourself as well. I can imagine your life has been difficult, and you probably are not used to taking care of your needs before anyone else's. Do that for a little bit. Then you'll be a confident, strong, independent young woman, perfectly prepared to be FI's wife, 2nd to being yourself.

ohwhynot · January 2010

I was married at age 20 to my high school sweetheart; it was a disaster. But that was MY life - it is not necessarily yours. Two of my sisters married at age 19 and they've been married for 37 and 30 years now, respectively. So obviously there are couples who beat the odds.

At the VERY least, though, both you and your fi should live apart and on your own for at least a year. A year spent in your own space, paying your own bills, and managing your own lives. It's a bad idea, I think, to go from your parents' home directly into a marital home. Even if you love each other very much, you owe it to yourselves and to each other to make sure you know how to live independently.

My two cents.

betrothed123 · January 2010

I married my high school sweetheart in May of 2008. We got together when I was 16 and married when I was 22. We were engaged for 2.5 years before we got married, and actually had planned on a longer engagement, but plans changed and we were able to move up the date by a year.

We lived apart until a month before we were engaged. The things we learned in that time have greatly contributed to our happiness as a married couple. We both went in to the marriage knowing that if anything happened to the other person, or for some reason it didn't work out, both of us would be okay on our own. That brings a lot of peace of mind. Also, we have been through some things over the last year and a half that I have no doubt would have been too much for us to handle without the skills we learned while on our own.

I'm very happy with my husband, but I do sometimes think about the things I missed out on by getting married so soon after college.

In short, I agree with many of the other ladies here. You would best serve yourself by moving out, living on your own for a while, and learning more about life before tying yourself down.

bbyckes · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:afb915d3-66bb-4e15-aad9-89437f133006">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : I came from dirty poor and have been able to travel abroad twice. I worked my butt off for the first trip (spring break in Europe), and for the second trip (a mission trip to Tokyo) we did a fundraiser, and the rest was donated.
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

I feel this way. We were close to being dirt poor, but my sister managed to live in Japan for a year (taught English), study abroad, moved to NY for an internship,and had an internship in DC. My parents never paid for a dime, because they couldn't. Opportunities are where you find them.

I had my son early and I wish I could have taken advantage of the opportunities she was able to. I was married to my son - OP you do miss out on certain things, no doubt.

I have already explained to my son that I don't want him bogged down in a young relationship. I want him to travel abroad, live in different cities, experience different things, before he settles down. I want him to know who he is and what he wants before committing. I think that's responsible.

polichik · January 2010

I really think it depends on the relationship. If a relationship stifles individual growth and needs (beyond reasonable compromise), it's going to prevent growth at any age.

FI and I were engaged at 21 and 24 (I'm younger), and we'll be married a month shy of being 24 and 27. We've been living together since right before I turned 22. Even though we're together, we still live many aspects of the "single" life... Going out with friends until all hours of the morning, traveling, exploring this great city, goofing off and wasting a whole day watching bad horror movies. Sometimes we're together; sometimes we're apart.

Now, FI is behind me as I start to write a grant to work with wartime survivors of rape in Africa. If we weren't together, I might be as ambitious, but knowing that he's travel with me and be there for me makes me a whole lot braver.

If the relationship is healthy, it can help, not hinder, growth and adventure.

vallyhoo · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:cd245cdc-1618-49cc-a713-0470bdbfe101">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]If the relationship is healthy, it can help, not hinder, growth and adventure.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

I couldn't have said it any better. Ditto Poli.

ElleestJenn · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:52c03405-4ad1-4625-afbb-5754e168d0e7">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is it a touchy subject though? Anyway, we felt it was a good time to get ready because we would have graduated by then, and would both have to move away for graduate school. Most of our families support us, except an aunt on his side and an uncle on mine. It's mainly our friends, but I think they just feel we would be "missing out" on being young and not married. I'm not sure what we would miss though really.
Posted by sgervais88[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand you want to wait and I think that's smart of you. My FI and I are in a similar situation. Got engaged after dating a year and half, were graduating from college that year, and will be engaged for over three years when we get married. But what happens when you both go to graduate school and you both want to go to separate schools? Or I assume you would want to go to the same school but what if only one gets accepted? My FI was going to graduate school after talked about going to New York, LA, etc. Big cities that I could do something that's in my career choice. But where did he end up, in a small town no bigger than 5000 people in Nebraska. Rest assure I stayed in my big city for a job for the rest of the year and moved out there for 5 months. I was miserable my whole 5 months there. I made great friends but I just didn't want to be in a small isolated town. So you need to think about things like that and this is where people who are saying you're too young are coming from. They're also thinking about how they changed from 19-25 years old and what they wanted then isn't what they wanted later. But you can either choose to let it effect you or just brush them off. </div>

avanvalk1989 · January 2010

Okay, I'll give you my opinion. My future husband and I started dating when we were both in high school. Currently, he is a senior in college and I am a junior, that would make us 21 and 20 respectively. We got engaged and decided to wait until after I graduated in May of 2011. Both of us know that we are young to be engaged, but we have talked to our parents, our priest, and other close family members and friends about our situation. Everyone thinks that we are mature enough to get married. We do live with his family (in separate rooms) and during the school year we each live in a dorm. The time spent in a dorm is our "separate, live your life time." We make sure to have separate lives from each other and both of us are enjoying all that college has to offer.

Secondly, as to people who say we should go out and experience "bigger and better things" before we get married, my greatest goal in life is to to be a wife, a mother, and lastly a teacher. Not everyone wants to travel the world, party it up, and be crazy until they are thirty. I do not drink, have traveled all over the world already, and attend Church every Sunday. I enjoy the life that I am living now.

Sorry for such a long post! Blessings to you all!

angned · January 2010

I was in a long term relationship from 20-26. Thought @ 20 we would get married. 6 years later we didn't because I realized I was a completely different person from when I was 20 and met him. I did give up many things in college because I was "attached". I don't so much regret it now, although I sometimes wish I could have done some of the fun things the single people did.

That is why you will catch flack on here, some of us older women have gone through things and see what you think at 19. It seems if you are seeking permission or such from people, you probably are not yet ready. IMO, an engagement should not last longer than a year, year and a half. When I have seen these "long" engagements, they typically fall apart before the wedding ever happens.

Best of luck

RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!

Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards