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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Ajpetruso
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Small family ceremony - Large formal reception
My FI and I want a private family ceremony with a large reception/party for everyone. But the "casual party" has turned into a formal and traditional wedding reception. Would it be awkward or rude to have a small ceremony at the same venue (yacht club) a couple hours before the reception?
My FI thinks that since we are having a formal wedding reception, we should have a formal ceremony with all of the guests. I think that these days, weddings aren't so much about what is traditional versus what the bride and groom want.
What do you guys think?
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Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception
To me, an invitation to the wedding reception but not the ceremony says, "You're good enough to bring us a present, but not good enough to watch us get married." And that rubs me the wrong way. It's not a matter of being traditional versus what the B&G want; it's a matter of thinking about how your actions will impact people you presumably love and care about.
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ETA - the only situation I can see where this would be okay is if you and your husband eloped, and then threw a reception later. That's what my parents did.
[QUOTE]My FI and I want a private family ceremony with a large reception/party for everyone. But the "casual party" has turned into a formal and traditional wedding reception. Would it be awkward or rude to have a small ceremony at the same venue (yacht club) a couple hours before the reception? My FI thinks that since we are having a formal wedding reception, we should have a formal ceremony with all of the guests. I think that these days, weddings aren't so much about what is traditional versus what the bride and groom want. What do you guys think?
Posted by Ajpetruso[/QUOTE]
Yeah, if I were a guest, I would probably feel slighted to get invited to only the "formal reception" part of the wedding. If you're inviting the right people (ie. not people that are only coming to get free booze), then they probably care about actually seeing you guys get married.
Why aren't you inviting everyone to the ceremony?
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As far as the "so I'm good enough to have to bring you a gift but not good enough to be at the ceremony" excuse goes, it's not like the guests at the reception won't be fed/drank/entertained, and that's usually the far bigger portion of the festivities, so I honestly don't feel bad accepting gifts from them.
I suppose the issue is moot if you're getting married in a church or at the reception venue, though you can still do exactly as you please. But when you get married in a more non-traditional venue, such as mine, it's something you just have to accept. FI and I are invited to a reception later on this month that's having only a close friends/family ceremony and a bigger reception after, and we're not offended in the slightest.
[QUOTE]The reason I think it's okay is because do you really want your mom's coworker who you may have never met watching you do something as inimate as exchanging vows? I know I sure don't.
Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]
Then why do you care if they're at your reception?
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My Mom and Dad eloped and had a large reception a month later. They had 300 people there, yet there were STILL people offended by not getting an invite. Ultimately, you can't please everyone. Do what feels right for you two and enjoy the day! :]
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[QUOTE] My Mom and Dad eloped and had a large reception a month later. They had 300 people there, yet there were STILL people offended by not getting an invite.
Posted by Fred13[/QUOTE]
I can't imagine why some people would get offended by not being able to witness someone's marriage, but being one of 300 people to come to a party. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />
That sounds like a gift grab to me, and I rarely throw that phrase around.
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[QUOTE] Maybe I'm getting old and sentimental, but I like to see the ceremony. It's nice to see a celebrate of love in a time where there is so much hurt, negativity, and all around sadness.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]
This. I like wedding ceremonies better than the receptions a lot of the time.
I just don't understand the logic. If you want a private wedding, have a private wedding with a few people at both the ceremony and reception. Fine. I think that inviting some people to the reception and not the ceremony is just another way to have a "tiered" wedding, which sucks no matter how it's executed (A&B lists, tiered receptions, whatever).
If I am special enough to you to help you celebrate your marriage at a reception, I should also be special enough to you to witness the wedding.
two years!
after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
[QUOTE]I COMPLETELY agree with the post above mine (I want cake). I think you are spot on in thinking that these days it is indeed more about what suits the bride and groom instead of what is traditional. <strong>My FI and I are also looking to do a small ceremony (parents, grandparents and siblings only) and a large reception later. Let's be realistic: if you were my bestie, you would be a maid, n</strong>o? So, best friends would be able to be a part of it all as Bridesmaids and groomsmen anyways. All other friends and family are still involved during the reception, they are still celebrating you two and the beginning of your life together. My Mom and Dad eloped and had a large reception a month later. They had 300 people there, yet there were STILL people offended by not getting an invite. Ultimately, you can't please everyone. Do what feels right for you two and enjoy the day! :]
Posted by Fred13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am a little late to this but... 1) Just because you are doing it doesn't make it any less tacky, 2) Have a wedding where you have a bridal party of 8 and a guest list of 6 is ridiculous.
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also, the comment that it's about what the bride and groom want, to hell with tradition (read: etiquette) is barfy on an etiquette board.
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Is there a specific reason that you're unwilling to have a large guestlist at your ceremony?
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[QUOTE]i love it when people say "xyz isn't rude!! i'm doing it..." also, the comment that it's about what the bride and groom want, to hell with tradition (read: etiquette) is barfy on an etiquette board.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. The reception is traditionally a thank you to your guests for <strong>coming to the wedding</strong>. One of the functions of etiquette is to teach you to behave graciously toward others. The "hell with them" crowd are just disgusting - you can hear the narcissism blaring.
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[QUOTE]We simply want a small ceremony because we feel that exchanging vows is very intimate and we don't feel comfortable doing it in front of 150 people. That's basically it. As for the reception: it will be a sit down dinner, open bar, live band, personalized CDs for wedding favors. We're not scrimping on the quality of the reception. We are excited to share the celebration of our wedding with our friends, family and family's friends. We want them to be a part of our big day. We aren't seeking to gift grab. Our wedding is in the middle of September and we don't even have a gift registry, simply because we can't think of anything that we want or need. <strong>I am having a small intimate bridal shower, with no gifts requested.</strong> My main issue is that I have never envisioned having a large ceremony. And a small intimate ceremony feels most comfortable to me.
Posted by Ajpetruso[/QUOTE]
The point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts. If you don't want gifts, then have a gathering of some sort, but don't call it a shower. (And requesting "no gifts" other than by word of mouth when asked, is also improper.)
[QUOTE]We simply want a small ceremony because we feel that exchanging vows is very intimate and we don't feel comfortable doing it in front of 150 people. That's basically it. As for the reception: it will be a sit down dinner, open bar, live band, personalized CDs for wedding favors. We're not scrimping on the quality of the reception. We are excited to share the celebration of our wedding with our friends, family and family's friends. We want them to be a part of our big day. We aren't seeking to gift grab. Our wedding is in the middle of September and we don't even have a gift registry, simply because we can't think of anything that we want or need. I am having a small intimate bridal shower, with no gifts requested. My main issue is that I have never envisioned having a large ceremony. And a small intimate ceremony feels most comfortable to me.
Posted by Ajpetruso[/QUOTE]
DH and I had 200 people at our ceremony...and it felt like 50. No kidding. Even when I watched our wedding video (which we just got today!!), it really didn't look/feel like there were that many people there. At the recieving line after the ceremony I kept thinking "where did all these people come from???" because it had felt so intimate and small the whole time, and like September said, I knew every one of them.
And I'm going to nit-pick at your no-registry comments...Everyone, I dont care who you are, can find a few nice towels and sheets to register for. Even if you have these things, put away the nice new ones you get and use them when guests come to visit.
[QUOTE]And I'm going to nit-pick at your no-registry comments...Everyone, I dont care who you are, can find a few nice towels and sheets to register for. Even if you have these things, put away the nice new ones you get and use them when guests come to visit.
Posted by CLSchramm[/QUOTE]
I agree...when I started my registry I struggled to pick stuff...but now we have over 200 items! We are using it to replace some stuff we already have. If there isn't a registry it doesn't say "we don't want any gifts" but "we don't want physical gifts, just cash." That's gonna be offensive to people, especially the ones who want to get you a tangible gift.
Invite them to both the ceremony and reception or don't invite them at all. It sounds to me like you are saying "here's some food and drink, where's my present?" I understand that you want an intimate wedding but I've been a bridesmaid at a 175+ ceremony and it didn't feel like there were that many people. The bride later told me that all she saw was her hubby...everything else just faded away.