Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???

AuBTrav · April 2010

I am having a lot of trouble with one of my bridesmaids. We are 3 weeks out and I have sent out our pre-wedding day events and activities to the bridal party at least a month and 1/2 ahead of time. She is missing EVERY event and only attending the Rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. She is not participating in the Bachlorette parties (2)--planned 3 months in advance or the Sunday Breakfast. I am really hurt that she doen't seem to care about this special day. I am considering asking her not to participate and offer to pay for her dress that she bought. I feel like I will regret having her participate when I know she doesn't really care! What are your thoughts?

baystateapple · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:b652cc67-d2ad-4ff2-b721-2ff25d1b24da">Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a lot of trouble with one of my bridesmaids. We are 3 weeks out and I have sent out our pre-wedding day events and activities to the bridal party at least a month and 1/2 ahead of time. She is missing EVERY event and only attending the Rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. She is not participating in the Bachlorette parties (2)--planned 3 months in advance or the Sunday Breakfast. I am really hurt that she doen't seem to care about this special day. I am considering asking her not to participate and offer to pay for her dress that she bought. I feel like I will regret having her participate when I know she doesn't really care! What are your thoughts?
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]

She's not required to go to any of your pre-wedding parties; she's required to wear the dress and show up at the two events you already said she's coming to (and even then, the rehearsal is kind of dicey, because I think she grasps how to walk down an aisle and hold some flowers). Nobody is going to care about your "special day" (why oh why would you use those words?) as much as you. If you kick her out you're going to look like a huge jerk. Do you really want that?

gottahavashorti · April 2010

[QUOTE]I am having a lot of trouble with one of my bridesmaids. We are 3 weeks out and I have sent out our pre-wedding day events and activities to the bridal party at least a month and 1/2 ahead of time. She is missing EVERY event and only attending the Rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. She is not participating in the Bachlorette parties (2)--planned 3 months in advance or the Sunday Breakfast. I am really hurt that she doen't seem to care about this special day. I am considering asking her not to participate and offer to pay for her dress that she bought. I feel like I will regret having her participate when I know she doesn't really care! What are your thoughts?
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]
She doesn't have to participate in anything but the wedding. It sucks that she's not involved and it's okay to be disappointed. She might be busy, not want to spend time with people she doesn't know well or just not be into weddings. All of the things you've listed are optional and she does not have to participate in them.

She has no obligation to do anything beyond show up to the wedding in the requested attire and be cooperative for the ceremony and pictures. She has not slept with your FI , wished death upon you or in any other way ended the friendship for a non-wedding related reason so you do not have the right to remove her from the wedding which would effectively end the friendship .

emilyinchile · April 2010

My thought is that you should lurk to see how we have responded to other posters with very similar questions. Also that while it sucks that one of your friends has to miss some parties, she's not doing anything wrong in terms of "BM duties" and therefore there are no grounds for "firing" her.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

Jeebus, that's a lot of wedding related parties! Who has two bach parties?

The only thing she has to attend is the actual wedding ceremony. If she's coming to that, she's doing nothing wrong. Kicking her out would end the friendship and make you look like a huge jerk to everyone else.

There is no reason to kick her out.

Whippet8 · April 2010

yes, please lurk first and see that this question is asked a lot, and even though it might not be exactly the same, the other responses in other posts would still apply.

Also, why is she missing these parties? Do you know why? I'm guessing it might be for some pretty good reasons.

Finally, remember that its only really a special day to you and your FI. I'm not saying that it wont be special for anyone else, but from my own point of view, I only see other peoples weddings as a big party.

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Sounds like your expectations of your BP members are a bit misguided. They don't have to participate in anything but the wedding - not everyone can make every event and while it is disapointing it's hardly grounds for being kicked out of the wedding party. Do you want to end a friendship over the fact that she didn't come to your Sunday brunch or other pre-parties? Probably not, right? While your wedding is understandably very important to you, it's not the top priority for other people necessarily. And think of it this way - it's one day. Your marriage and friendships will be much longer...as long as you don't place unreasonably high expectations on others and get pissed off when they fail to follow through on your demands (attending multiple parties, a brunch....personally I'd like my Sunday to myself after attending an RD and the all-day craziness of a Saturday wedding, you know? So I don't blame her for bowing out of the brunch.)

I really suggest lurking a bit on this board and reading through some of the many other posts on the "can I kick a bridesmaid out" topic and you'll learn alot.

lharri12 · April 2010

*sigh* You can't kick out a BM. She's coming to your wedding, which is her only job. You are having a LOT of pre-wedding parties that are OPTIONAL for BMs to attend.

mbcdefg · April 2010

writ her a txt msg that sayz, "U are out of my wedding because u R not paying enuf attention to me b4 the wedding day... just being their 4 the actual wedding isn't good enough ... I need uR full attention for the entyre engagement. If u were a tru friend u'd do moRe for me and PaY moRe attenshon to me"

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Don't forget to add something about not supporting the bride in her "time of need."

tidetravel · April 2010

How dare she miss out on all the AW events that you have planned for yourself?! I mean, it's like she's missing the wedding or something! Gawd.

I suggest that you kick her out immediately, and make sure you burn a scarlet BBM mark into her, so that all her other friends that consider asking her to be a part of their wedding party will know that she's a bad bridesmaid. If you're really creative, you can make it a-la monogramm style.

andy71781 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:b652cc67-d2ad-4ff2-b721-2ff25d1b24da">Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a lot of trouble with one of my bridesmaids. We are 3 weeks out and I have sent out our pre-wedding day events and activities to the bridal party at least a month and 1/2 ahead of time. She is missing EVERY event and only attending the Rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. She is not participating in the Bachlorette parties (2)--planned 3 months in advance or the Sunday Breakfast. I am really hurt that she doen't seem to care about this special day. I am considering asking her not to participate and offer to pay for her dress that she bought. I feel like I will regret having her participate when I know she doesn't really care! What are your thoughts?
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]

I might miss my sister's rehearsal dinner. Because I have a job and a life. Its not her job to come to everything - the duties begin and end the day of the wedding.

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Andy - Love your siggy pics. :-) Adorable!

AuBTrav · April 2010

I understand it is my day and a “party” for everyone else but as a BM and more importantly a “friend” I think it would be nice to attend at least something and not have lame excuses. I understand that people have lives and most likely can not attend all of the events. However, all my other BM’s are from out of town (she lives right in town) and are making the effort to be there and are being true friends. On a side note I really can’t believe how rude and disrespectful most of your responses are. I was asking for advice not asking to be attacked.

andy71781 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:dc6a87bd-60e9-435e-8f84-451bc1b05469">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand it is my day and a “party” for everyone else but as a BM and more importantly a “friend” I think it would be nice to attend at least something and not have lame excuses. I understand that people have lives and most likely can not attend all of the events. <strong>However, a ll my other BM’s are from out of town (she lives right in town) and are making the effort to be there and are being true friends.</strong> On a side note I really can’t believe how rude and disrespectful most of your responses are. I was asking for advice not asking to be attacked.
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]

This is a rude attitude. Rudeness begets rudeness.

banana468 · April 2010

Aub, you're getting advice.

If you lurked first though, you'd understand that the idea of booting a BM is a rather hot button topic here. And she hasn't done anything horrible. She's just NOT attending a few pre wedding events but she's still able to make it to the RD and the wedding.

While I'd wonder if there are issues, this isn't boot worthy at all and for you to do so would be really rude.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

[QUOTE]I understand it is my day and a “party” for everyone else but as a BM and more importantly a “friend” I think it would be nice to attend at least something and not have lame excuses. I understand that people have lives and most likely can not attend all of the events. However, a ll my other BM’s are from out of town (she lives right in town) and are making the effort to be there and are being true friends. On a side note I really can’t believe how rude and disrespectful most of your responses are. I was asking for advice not asking to be attacked.
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]
Is it nice? Sure. But you can't require her to participate in anything, it's not obligatory. Not participating doesn't mean she's not a true friend. Be disappointed, but let it go. Kicking her out would make you a bad friend.

You got plenty of advice. If what you were looking for is validation rather than honest opinions, this is not the right place for it.

suz62984 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:b652cc67-d2ad-4ff2-b721-2ff25d1b24da">Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a lot of trouble with one of my bridesmaids. We are 3 weeks out and I have sent out our pre-wedding day events and activities to the bridal party at least a month and 1/2 ahead of time. <strong>She is missing EVERY event and only attending the Rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding.</strong> She is not participating in the Bachlorette parties (2)--planned 3 months in advance or the Sunday Breakfast. I am really hurt that she doen't seem to care about this special day. I am considering asking her not to participate and offer to pay for her dress that she bought. <strong> I feel like I will regret having her participate when I know she doesn't really care! </strong> What are your thoughts?
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]

This is all she needs to attend. Bridal events are not mandatory.

I don't think that it is because she doesn't care. This is YOUR wedding. No one will care as much about your wedding as you. I think you are being too harsh. Although, if you kick her out than she will be done a favor as she will no longer have to be friends with you.

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:dc6a87bd-60e9-435e-8f84-451bc1b05469">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand it is my day and a “party” for everyone else but <strong>as a BM and more importantly a “friend” I think it would be nice to attend at least something and not have lame excuses</strong>. I understand that people have lives and most likely can not attend all of the events. However, a ll my other BM’s are from out of town (she lives right in town) and are making the effort to be there and are being true friends. On a side note I really can’t believe how rude and disrespectful most of your responses are.<strong> I was asking for advice not asking to be attacked.</strong>
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]

As I said in my first response to you, it sucks that your friend can't come. But this is a FRIEND issue and has no bearing on her fulfilling BM duties of getting the dress and showing up at your wedding. Is this totally out of character for her to miss stuff that's important to you? Then ask her not about your wedding events but about her life - is she stressed lately, is she super busy, etc. Is she usually kind of flaky? Well then honestly, you should have expected this.

No one has attacked you. If people were frustrated, it's because you so very obviously did not take 5 seconds to see that this question gets answered multiple times a day. Repeating yourself gets old, and it makes for cranky knotties.

jagore08 · April 2010

Just focus on the positive and put her in the back of your mind. Don't let this ruin your pre-wedding parties because it will if you keep harping on it. Focus on you and your FI because that's the only other important person.

Jessie888 · April 2010

I am really sorry you have a friend who doesnt seem to care right now. Alot of people have said, she isnt required to do anything but be in the wedding. But, I think of myself as a good friend and if i were a BM, I would be there for everythig because in all reality.. it is a special day. And you are allowed to call it that!! You cant stomp your feet and demand all you want, but its a special day and alot of other people will think so too. You pick people close to you to be in your wedding and when they dont seem to care it hurts. I am sorry other posters have been so harsh, they do have good points, but arent saying it in a way they should. You are upset and I am trying to be as nice as possible to help you move on. Clearly, you now know who really wants to share your wedding day with you.
Do not unask her, but hopefully you can work on your friendship after the wedding.

Just as jagore08 said, dont let this ruin your wedding events, because the important thing right now is your getting married!!!! Focus on the important part, enjoy spending this time with those who do care!

Best of luck!

CTGirl30 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:5cac376a-e276-4870-86b2-7739ca9fb45b">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]I am really sorry you have a friend who doesnt seem to care right now. Alot of people have said, she isnt required to do anything but be in the wedding. But, I think of myself as a good friend and if i were a BM, I would be there for everythig because in all reality.. it is a special day. And you are allowed to call it that!! You cant stomp your feet and demand all you want, but its a special day and alot of other people will think so too. You pick people close to you to be in your wedding and when they dont seem to care it hurts. <strong>I am sorry other posters have been so harsh, they do have good points, but arent saying it in a way they should.</strong> You are upset and I am trying to be as nice as possible to help you move on.<strong> Clearly, you now know who really wants to share your wedding day with you.</strong> Do not unask her, but hopefully you can work on your friendship after the wedding. Just as jagore08 said, dont let this ruin your wedding events, because the important thing right now is your getting married!!!! Focus on the important part, enjoy spending this time with those who do care! Best of luck!
Posted by jmplasket[/QUOTE]

Good Lord. Nobody was being mean / harsh to the OP - she got straightforward advice and helpful suggestions to not ruin a friendship over this. What way should it be said in? With puppies and rainbows? That might be more the tone of local boards and month boards but on the national boards - esp where the same question is repeated numerous times - you're not going to get the same level of handholding and coddling, per se.

And the BM <em>is</em> sharing the OP's wedding day with her. Which is the entire point of everyone's posts. If she's attending the wedding day she's done her "duty" as a BM and it's great that she's able to attend the RD as well. But honestly, it's kind of unrealistic to expect every BM to be able to attend every single pre-wedding (and post-wedding!) event - sometimes people have things come up or budget concerns or other obligations (children, for example) that trump the bride's desire for their friend to be at Bach Party #2. It's awesome if they can but if they can't....then it's better to be understanding about it then to get pissy and stomp your feet and behave childishly. People may have other things going on - money stress, childcare, health, job stuff, etc - and it's better to give them the benefit of the doubt as a friend and to find out what's going on than to go from 0 - 60 and assume the "She's a bad friend - I'm kicking her out!" mentality.

trix1223 · April 2010

**sigh** The "duties" of a BM start and end with the ceremony. They wear the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for the pictures.

They DO NOT have to go to venue searches, menu tastings, or cake tastings. They DO NOT have to make favors, address invitations, or stuff envelopes. They DO NOT have to arrange flowers, make programs, or create CPs. They DO NOT have to chauffeur guests to or from airports or deliver OOT bags to hotels.

They DO NOT have to go to hair and makeup trials or decorate the hall.

And they DO NOT have to plan, throw or attend e-parties, b-parties, or showers. They DO NOT have to attend parties the day AFTER the wedding.

If they OFFER to do any of the above, great. But you're wrong to EXPECT them to do any of the above, and then turn into a grumpy pants when they don't.

Your friend has done nothing wrong. But you might if you kick her out. Your priorities are skewed.

AuBTrav · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:9125a329-2839-43ce-9345-d66b653c4432">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care??? : Good Lord. Nobody was being mean / harsh to the OP - she got straightforward advice and helpful suggestions to not ruin a friendship over this. What way should it be said in? With puppies and rainbows? That might be more the tone of local boards and month boards but on the national boards - esp where the same question is repeated numerous times - you're not going to get the same level of handholding and coddling, per se. And the BM is sharing the OP's wedding day with her. Which is the entire point of everyone's posts. If she's attending the wedding day she's done her "duty" as a BM and it's great that she's able to attend the RD as well. But honestly, it's kind of unrealistic to expect every BM to be able to attend every single pre-wedding (and post-wedding!) event - sometimes people have things come up or budget concerns or other obligations (children, for example) that trump the bride's desire for their friend to be at Bach Party #2. It's awesome if they can but if they can't....then it's better to be understanding about it then to get pissy and stomp your feet and behave childishly. People may have other things going on - money stress, childcare, health, job stuff, etc - and it's better to give them the benefit of the doubt as a friend and to find out what's going on than to go from 0 - 60 and assume the "She's a bad friend - I'm kicking her out!" mentality.
Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]

I am not expecting her or any of my other party members to be at EVERY pre-wedding event. I picked my attendents based on friendships..they are friends first and BM's second so as a friend I think I am not having high expectation or behaving "childishly"!

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:67b765e7-9785-419a-b720-bdd15d22c603">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care??? : I am not expecting her or any of my other party members to be at EVERY pre-wedding event. I picked my attendents based on friendships..they are friends first and BM's second so as a friend I think I am not having high expectation or behaving "childishly"!
Posted by AuBTrav[/QUOTE]

I took this as CT responding to the PP she quoted in which you were told that you could stomp your feet and demand things. Which luckily you seem to realize is bad advice.

Jenni.Adams · April 2010

She's being a flakey friend not a flakey BM the only reason it should apply to your wedding is if she doesn't have the dress on the day of, otherwise its just a friend issue. Yes these are pre wedding parties but they are just that Parties. While she isn't required to go as a friend I think she would want to or at least have a reason why she can't. She does have a life beyond you, its ok to be dissapointed that she's not going to be there but treat it as a friend issue as it has nothing to do with being a BM really. A BM is a friend who stands up with you on your wedding day, on any day other then the day of your wedding she's not your BM she's your friend.

Do you make an effort to talk about things other then the wedding? Do you go and hang out outside of doing wedding stuff? Maybe the reason she seems to be flaking on this is because she's wedding'd out. It isn't her wedding after all so why on earth should she have to hear about it 24/7.

Make an effort to just be a friend to her, ask her how her life is going and talk about her for awhile, and not just the bride and she may come around and make it to some of your other fun stuff you've planned for yourself in honor of yourself.

If your truly upset by the fact that your friend isn't going to be there as a friend, talk to about it but as a friend not as the bride. Just say 'ya know i've missed hanging out with you and was really looking forward to hanging out on such and such day ( don't say my bach party or whatever but say the day like next wed or the 15th etc) I'm totally bummed you can't make it' and see what she says she might actually have other things going on but if you take it out of the context of the wedding she might be more willing to work around the other things, she's probably feeling like all you see her as is a BM, someone to help out with the wedding and not a friend

Just my two cents

supernae · April 2010

I think the issue here is the topic itself "Un-asking -BM-"
Is she just a bridesmaid to you or is she a friend?

Jessie888 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:7d78db57-b77f-4069-899e-d4ab4f656bf5">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care??? : I took this as CT responding to the PP she quoted in which you were told that you could stomp your feet and demand things. Which luckily you seem to realize is bad advice.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>I am not sure if i am the poster you are referring to, but i didnt say she could stomp her feet and demand things. I said that she cant do that.</div>

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:c4f3abfd-718f-44d6-badf-112e49b6bffe">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care??? : I am not sure if i am the poster you are referring to, but i didnt say she could stomp her feet and demand things. I said that she cant do that.
Posted by jmplasket[/QUOTE]

Oops, sorry. I read it quickly as "you CAN stomp your feet." Nevermind.

Jessie888 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-asking-bm-doesnt-seem-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06730212-ce4d-4be0-bd26-a9d3d56fe2c5Post:c8d10322-3eda-4cd3-873f-8c64d5c7cce1">Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Un-asking BM who doesn't seem to care??? : Oops, sorry. I read it quickly as "you CAN stomp your feet." Nevermind.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>no worries!</div>

heather_shadow · May 2010

As far as I know, as long as she is coming to the rehearsal dinner and wedding, she is doing her part. Although it seems she doesn't care, she is doing her agreed part. After this, you will now the people who care the most about you and are willing to go an extra mile for you.

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