I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.

amybutt · February 2012

So, here's the deal:

My fiance and I have spent way too much time on the issue and it would be nice to have some advice from people who are not emotionally invested. My sister is gay and doesn't wear dresses. She is more of the butch type versus the barbie type. I have asked her to be a bridesmaid and said that she could wear a matching suit instead. She can't be a groomsmen as my fiance wants just his guys on that side. It's his wedding too and I respect his wishes. She doesn't feel comfortable with my idea on what to wear. I want her in the wedding but I don't know what to do. thoughts???

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Have you asked her what she would be comfortable wearing?

amybutt · February 2012

She is being really difficult and won't say exactly. I think she wants to wear a tux, to be honest. We have had several conversations and currently aren't even speaking. It's a long story but basically she feels like I am asking her to "be something she's not." I don't even know what to do at this point. I feel like she's insulted that I asked her to be a bridesmaid.

calliopeia2013 · February 2012

Yeah, I'm confused. If she's not comfortable in a suit, why would she want to be on the groom's side either? Ask her what she'd be okay wearing. (I assumed my best friend, who is both gay and one of my bridesmaids, might want to wear a tux, since she also hates dresses, and she said she'd actually rather wear a dress. And I'm having male attendants too, so it isn't even like she'd be the only one on my side in a tux. Generally just let people do what they want!)

Does she have preferred clothing that she usually wears to formal events?

And when you say matching suit, you mean, like, suit similar to what the groomsmen are wearing with accents in your colors, right? Not like, your BMs are wearing fuschia and you wanted her to wear a fuschia suit? Because then I could obviously understand why she'd say no.

ETA: Just saw your response- is it that she's not comfortable in formalwear at all?

Maggie0829 · February 2012

If she wants to wear a tux then I would let her wear a tux.

I don't think that she is insulted that you asked her to be a BM. She may just be concerned that you might want her to wear a dress, even though you said she could wear a suit, she may not feel like you were being genuine with that option.

I would call her up and tell her that you love her and that you honestly don't care what she wears but that you really want her to be a part of your wedding because she is your sister and you could not imagine not having her stand up there with you.

I also think that you need to discuss the "being something that she's not" because I don't think you are asking that of her. There may have been a miss communication somewhere a long the line.

But your FI is right to not have to include her on his side. He picks who he wants and you pick who you want.

allisonkbye · February 2012

Don't let it bother you too much. You're not asking her something completely ridiculous. Maybe try asking if she helped pick out the dress, if that would be okay so she'd deff be comfortable in it.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

I would see what she is comfortable wearing first. Maybe she doesn't want to show her legs, maybe she could get a long gown then? Figure out what it is about dresses that she doesn't like. I know DB offers two piece BM dresses, not sure if they offer suits. I would see if she would be wiling to go with you to the bridal shop and try some things on. Maybe it is the idea of the dress more than the dress itself.

msuprincess04 · February 2012

Just ask her what she's comfortable wearing and, provided it's formal enough, let her wear it. And have her stand on your side since she's your family.

meganb1977 · February 2012

Ditto pp's about having a heart to heart that it would mean a lot to you for her to stand in your wedding, and what would she be comfortable wearing? Maybe if you can put your heads together you can find something that works for both of you, whether she'd prefer to rent a tuxedo if the guys are doing that, or wear a jacket and pants in the same color family as the guys are wearing (i.e. gray, tan, etc.) with a shirt that would coordinate with your colors. Or if she'd prefer to just wear a shirt and slacks in colors that would coordinate with the rest of the wedding party.

Is it possible that she's not comfortable standing with the wedding party and would prefer to either attend as a guest or fill another position (i.e. reader, gift bearer)?

amybutt · February 2012

the bridesmaids will be wearing black dresses, my idea was for her to wear a suit that somewhat matched them, which would be super easy to match. You guys all have great ideas and I think that there was definitely miscommunication. I just don't know what to do because she's gotten so defensive about it that she is now saying that she just won't be in the wedding. uggghhhhhh.

Habs2Hart · February 2012

Ditto cfas, also, maybe you could call her a bride's attendant if she doesn't feel comfortable with the term bridesmaid.

graysquirrel · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:7db75f1b-2a26-4886-add8-fd278150f5c8">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't let it bother you too much. You're not asking her something completely ridiculous. Maybe try asking if she helped pick out the dress, if that would be okay so she'd deff be comfortable in it.
Posted by allisonkbye[/QUOTE]

I rather agree with this. I do not see how wearing a dress makes any statement about one's sexuality because plenty of lesbians do. I would ask if she would help you pick a dress and accompany you to the store and treat it like you would another BM who has concerns about the outfit.

If she absolutely refuses, then I think I'd just let her wear a tux and be done with it. In the end I'd rather have my sister feel ok. I'd rather have my sister there than not.

amybutt · February 2012

My fiance doesn't like the idea of a tux on my side. We are ok with her wearing a suit. I think she just really wants to wear a tux. I'm irritated by it to be quite honest becuase she's being so hard headed and I feel like she is dissatisfied with being JUST a bridesmaid. Maybe it is the terminology that is throwing her for a loop. AND, I know that I am being selfish but there is a small part of me that is worried about pictures and what stands out. :? I told her she didn't have to wear a dress. I asked if she'd be ok with wearing one, she said no and I didn't push. She doesn't want to tell me what she'd be ok with wearing, she just fights all suggestions and then resorts back to "I just won't be in the wedding."

amybutt · February 2012

Yep, I think you're right. I will call her. Thanks all for your thoughts. I will keep you updated on any progress

congrats to all!!!!

froggatt.clare · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:85a1b957-16e9-4afa-bb3e-53a8b79bf1d1">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance doesn't like the idea of a tux on my side. We are ok with her wearing a suit. I think she just really wants to wear a tux. I'm irritated by it to be quite honest becuase she's being so hard headed and I feel like she is dissatisfied with being JUST a bridesmaid. Maybe it is the terminology that is throwing her for a loop. AND, I know that I am being selfish but there is a small part of me that is worried about pictures and what stands out. :? I told her she didn't have to wear a dress. I asked if she'd be ok with wearing one, she said no and I didn't push. She doesn't want to tell me what she'd be ok with wearing, she just fights all suggestions and then resorts back to "I just won't be in the wedding."
Posted by amybutt[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure why your FI doesn't like this - this is your sister we're talking about. You love her dearly and it seems like you want her standing next to you no matter what. Tell him that and stand your ground Photos be damned, would you rather have her looking a teeny bit out of place if she is wearing something different than the bridesmaids and groomsmen, or her not be in there at all and you feeling badly for it?

Reassure her that whatever semi-formal attire she prefers is fine with you, and you couldn't imagine getting married without her up there with you.

strlzfan11 · February 2012

If she keeps coming back to not being in the wedding, then perhaps she really just doesn't want to be in it.

mbcdefg · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:85a1b957-16e9-4afa-bb3e-53a8b79bf1d1">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance doesn't like the idea of a tux on my side. We are ok with her wearing a suit. I think she just really wants to wear a tux. I'm irritated by it to be quite honest becuase she's being so hard headed and I feel like she is dissatisfied with being JUST a bridesmaid. Maybe it is the terminology that is throwing her for a loop. AND, I know that I am being selfish but there is a small part of me that is worried about pictures and what stands out. :? I told her she didn't have to wear a dress. I asked if she'd be ok with wearing one, she said no and I didn't push. She doesn't want to tell me what she'd be ok with wearing, she just fights all suggestions and then resorts back to "I just won't be in the wedding."
Posted by amybutt[/QUOTE]

This is the point where you need to say to your FI, "You know I love and respect you, and I know it's your wedding too. But Sister really would only feel comfortable wearing a tux, and since I really want her in the wedding and since she'll be MY attendant I'm asking you nicely if you'll just let this issue go. Her presence means more to me than what she'll be wearing."

Like you said, let it cool off a while, then talk to her and say that you really want her involved and ask what it'll take to make that happen - a different title*, a specific outfit, etc.

* Do you even NEED titles for them? If you're not having a printed ceremony program then there's really no need for titles. I mean, you can certainly say to people, "My bridesmaids will be wearing black dresses," but if you're referring to your sister you can just say, "Sue will be in our wedding." If there IS a program you could simply title the section "Wedding Party" or "Attendants" and have a column with the girls' names and a column with the guys' names under that heading.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:85a1b957-16e9-4afa-bb3e-53a8b79bf1d1">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance doesn't like the idea of a tux on my side. We are ok with her wearing a suit. I think she just really wants to wear a tux. I'm irritated by it to be quite honest becuase she's being so hard headed and I feel like she is dissatisfied with being JUST a bridesmaid. Maybe it is the terminology that is throwing her for a loop. AND, I know that I am being selfish but there is a small part of me that is worried about pictures and what stands out. :? I told her she didn't have to wear a dress. I asked if she'd be ok with wearing one, she said no and I didn't push. She doesn't want to tell me what she'd be ok with wearing, she just fights all suggestions and then resorts back to "I just won't be in the wedding."
Posted by amybutt[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but your FI does not get to dictate what your bridal party wears. Like PP said, this is the time to stick up for your sister and tell your FI that you love him but your sister is going to wear a tux.

AJG456 · February 2012

Just a general question here (sorry to thread jack). Isn't the usual stance that all the wedding party has to do is show up in the dress, clean and sober? Obviously you want your wedding party to be as comfortable as possible, but how much do you think they get to dictate? So in a situation like this where the bride is acknowledging her sister/BM isn't comfortable and gave another option (suit), why does the BM get to say no and insist she would only be comfortable in a tux, without even shopping for a suit?

I know in this situation there are other considerations with her fiance, etc. but in a general sense, would a BM be able to say she isn't comfortable in yellow so she's going to wear blue instead? Or she's only comfortable in jeans, so thats what she's going to wear?

I guess I'm just wondering what thoughts you all have in how much comfort level should be accomodated.

Gabrielle76 · February 2012

I hope this doesn't come off homophobic (some of my closest friends are gay) but I don't see how being a lesbian changes the rule for bridesmaids: Show up in the right outfit. I think AJG makes a good point. Maybe she could even just wear the dress for the ceremony, then wear something else for the reception? It's great that OP wants to accommodate her sister, but I don't think she should have to stress about it so much. One of my Bridesmaids doesn't really like the dresses I've been 'pinning', they're not really her style, but if that's what we go with, she'll wear it anyway, because, well, that's what bridesmaids do.

kwilliams111012 · February 2012

Maybe your sis is uncomfortable in a dress and in a tux - she'd be uncomfortable in a dress because she's not girly and uncomfortable in a tux because she'd be embarassed to be "in the spotlight." Take her out to a nice lunch or dinner and talk about what she wants. Then, you could go to a formalwear store that has both dresses and tuxes she could try on. Unless, she ultimately decides not to be a part of your wedding - which is fine, by the way. She still loves you

Habs2Hart · February 2012

What about nice dress pants in the colour the boys are wearing and a top that matches the girls dresses?

harpsdesire · February 2012

Maybe she'd like slacks and a shirt/blouse....?

Although in general the bride gets to decide what the 'maids wear, most of us have the compassion not to put them in something that will make them miserable.

None of us would be so zilla as to put one of our plumper friends into something unflatteringly slinky, right? And we aren't going to force our religious or very modest friend into a plunging neckline and mini-skirt, of course. We want our loved ones to be comfortable.

But they still have to wear the color the bride picks.

I would say work with her to compromise on something she likes that's formal enough and offer her flowers or a boutiniere in your maid's colors to tie it all together. If she isn't willing to wear ANYTHING remotely appropriate, then maybe she just really doesn't want to be in the spotlight and would prefer a more 'behind the scenes' role or to just be a guest.

sparent2010 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:98861ee2-ad16-4794-8345-7fb2cbfa113c">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope this doesn't come off homophobic (some of my closest friends are gay) but I don't see how being a lesbian changes the rule for bridesmaids: Show up in the right outfit. I think AJG makes a good point. Maybe she could even just wear the dress for the ceremony, then wear something else for the reception? It's great that OP wants to accommodate her sister, but I don't think she should have to stress about it so much. One of my Bridesmaids doesn't really like the dresses I've been 'pinning', they're not really her style, but if that's what we go with, she'll wear it anyway, because, well, that's what bridesmaids do.
Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]

Well one would say she is not feminine and does not feel comfortable wearing a dress. My sister is gay and my mom won't accept it and wants her in a dress. She identifies with masculine clothing, hair cut etc.

It is incredibly insensitive and biitchy to try to dictate to the point that she HAS to wear THIS DRESS. If OP wants her in the WP she can help figure out what will make her sister most comfortable. As brides many of us take into consideration what the BP wants to wear- this is the same type of situation. The OP is considering what one of her BP members will feel most comfortable in.

OP your sister just may not want to be in the BP but she might want to do something else like a reading or in my sister's case she is escorting the ring bearer's down the aisle. That is what she wanted and I am fine with that.

calliopeia2013 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:90520d6f-5169-48f8-9e6a-a96ca4fa6007">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm just wondering what thoughts you all have in how much comfort level should be accomodated.
Posted by AJG456[/QUOTE]

Typically I would say it comes down to the fact that making someone wear something they're going to feel awful or uncomfortable in kind of makes you a not-very-nice person. Like, if you think having your bridesmaids be all matchy-matchy and look cookie-cutter in photographs is more important then your nearest and dearest feeling happy and comfortable as they stand up beside you on your wedding day, you have serious priority issues.

I'd say it's okay to dictate a level of formality- jeans= not okay if you're having a formal wedding. Beyond that, I think you need to ask your attendants not just about their budget, but about their various comfort levels.

I think it's rude not to take your maid's color preferences into account, though I may be in the minority here. Some colors just look really awful on some people, and again, how are your wedding colors more important than your nearest and dearest feeling beautiful as they stand up for you?

I think it's rude not to allow people who have different gender presentations (like OP's sister, who prefers not to dress in a feminine manner) to dress in formalwear of their preferred gender presentation. I'm not just talking about transgender people, either; this would apply to people like the OP's sister.

I think it's rude to ask maids to wear something more revealing than they're comfortable in- whether that's something too short/low cut, or asking a BM who wears head coverings for religious reasons to remove it, or whatever.

This is just what I think, though, and I'm one of the people who's of the opinion that it stops being "your day" the minute you invite anyone else to share it with you.

Gabrielle76 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:0a5c6bf9-bb11-4452-a679-b4df734de784">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help. : Well one would say she is not feminine and does not feel comfortable wearing a dress. My sister is gay and my mom won't accept it and wants her in a dress. She identifies with masculine clothing, hair cut etc. It is incredibly insensitive and biitchy to try to dictate to the point that she HAS to wear THIS DRESS. If OP wants her in the WP she can help figure out what will make her sister most comfortable. As brides many of us take into consideration what the BP wants to wear- this is the same type of situation. The OP is considering what one of her BP members will feel most comfortable in. OP your sister just may not want to be in the BP but she might want to do something else like a reading or in my sister's case she is escorting the ring bearer's down the aisle. That is what she wanted and I am fine with that.
Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]

Ok, I see your point. Of course I wouldn't force any of my BP into anything they hated, or even seriously disliked. I really hadn't thought about it from that perspective. Thanks :)

daria24 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:98861ee2-ad16-4794-8345-7fb2cbfa113c">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope this doesn't come off homophobic (some of my closest friends are gay) but I don't see how being a lesbian changes the rule for bridesmaids: Show up in the right outfit. I think AJG makes a good point. Maybe she could even just wear the dress for the ceremony, then wear something else for the reception? It's great that OP wants to accommodate her sister, but I don't think she should have to stress about it so much. One of my Bridesmaids doesn't really like the dresses I've been 'pinning', they're not really her style, but if that's what we go with, she'll wear it anyway, because, well, that's what bridesmaids do.
Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand what you are saying, but I sort of view this issue the way that you would view a BM who was Muslim, or Mennonite, or any conservative religion where they cover more of their body. OP's sister may not be specifically concerned with modesty, but you wouldn't force Orthodox jewish friend to wear a strapless gown, you would want to find something that she feels comfortable in. If OP's sister feels strongly that wearing a dress, skirt, etc goes against her character, then I think OP should be considerate of that and find a good compromise.</div>

TiffannieF · February 2012

Bending over backwards for a BM? Not really something I would do. I understand OP wants to be accommodating for her sister as it means a lot to her but at what point are you going too far just to make somebody who is suppose to be there to support the BRIDE happy? I like a PP advice on the "Sister it would mean the world to me if you were in wedding....". If she says tux and your FI doesn't want that then you need to have a talk with him. I've worn more than a couple uncomfortable BM dresses and shoes just to make a bride happy. I never complained because I was there to support her and felt it Was an honor to be asked.

Simply Fated · February 2012

The fact that she is a lesbian is superfluous information. She's a woman, a bridesmaid, and your sister. You want her to be comfortable, plain and simple. Ask her what she prefers and come to a compromise. Your fiancé doesn't get to dictate what your side wears.

LauraChristin · February 2012

I would ask her what she would plan to wear to the wedding if she weren't a bridesmaid. In my experience guests are generally dressed in a similar level of formality to the bridal party. See what she says and see if her answer is acceptable to be standing up as a bridesmaid, too. Problem solved.

I know we all have different priorities and reasons for making our decisions but I know that personally I would not look back on my wedding photos and wish the WP had worn something different. I would look back with regret at a relationship gone awry over a clothing disagreement.

DiLynn83 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:c27230f0-0086-4276-884f-fff8e00ddb11">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Bending over backwards for a BM? Not really something I would do. I understand OP wants to be accommodating for her sister as it means a lot to her but at what point are you going too far just to make somebody who is suppose to be there to support the BRIDE happy? I like a PP advice on the "Sister it would mean the world to me if you were in wedding....". If she says tux and your FI doesn't want that then you need to have a talk with him. I've worn more than a couple uncomfortable BM dresses and shoes just to make a bride happy. I never complained because I was there to support her and felt it Was an honor to be asked.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

<div>Totally. Totally.</div>

I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.

Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.

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