I was hoping you ladies could help me out with a delimma. My FMIL (whom I LOVE) expressed that she wanted to be a bigger part of the planning. I'm trying to think of ways she can be, but of course, there's more to this situation that meets the eye. (Sorry for the length).
A little background: Both FI & I come from divorced families. When we started planning almost 2 years ago we had sat down with each parent, talked about our ideas, their ideas & traditions, & what, if anything, they would like to contribute. As it turns out, my parents & FFIL are paying for most of it, & FI & I are paying the rest. My parents are paying for 1/2 the vendor bills, the reception, & some of my attire. FFIL is paying for 1/2 the vendor bills, the RD, a pre-wedding cocktail party, a post-wedding brunch, & the minister fee. FI & I are paying for the everything else. Anyway, we knew from the outset FMIL could not contribute financially (she lost a lot of her money when Wall St. fell) & we're perfectly fine with this. (Tho for some reason, FFIL didn't realize at first she wouldn't be paying (even tho we told him several times, he forgets things, esp. when they concern his ex) so he was a little sore when he "found out" (finally remembered) bc the pre/post wedding parties were traditions on her family & he thought she'd contribute. But, he decided not to renege on them bc he wanted to honor his promise to us, which was really sweet).
Anyways, early in the planning process, FMIL expressed she felt bad bc she couldn't contribute financially. We told her it was ok, she'd contribute enough being MOG & a hostess at the parties, & if anything she can help by just being the conduit for her family (they're very spread out across the country & it is helpful having her update them on all the wedding stuff & making sure they have correct hotel info, etc). She seemed happy doing this. We have always kept her in the loop with planning stuff & asked for her opinion on several occasions.
Recently, however, she said she wanted to contribute more. There's some caveats to this tho, so I'm trying to figure out how sidestep them.
I think she wants to contribute more bc she's upset about not being able to pay. She said she'd feel bad being at the RD acting as a hostess & people telling her how much of a great time they are having, & her knowing inside she didn't pay or plan any of it.
This being said, her helping planning the RD or the other parties really won't work for 3 reasons:
1) She says sometimes the thought of contributing planning-wise makes her feel even worse bc she's not paying for it (sort of a catch-22 for wanting to help out more), & she would feel weird trying to plan something with her ex's money.
2) It would mean she would have to work with her ex. This is bad. They try to avoid each other as much as possible (just observing a convo with them, you can tell why they got divorced). Recently, they've had to be in a lot of contact bc my FBIL is terminally ill & has a mental disability & some emergencies came up in the past few months. Things get very tense between them bc they have different views on medical treatment & it often ends badly with FI and FBIL being stuck in the middle. (FMIL has a persecution complex & FFIL doesn't help it by always being dismissive of her and having a temper. Poor FI has to be the adult and play mediator most of the time). Therefore, them working together is not a good option.
3) I LOVE FMIL, but she can't organize for crap. She has ADD bad & you can tell, even when she is taking her meds. She's always misplacing important things. She had to hire an organizer to re-organize her apartment for her because she was getting too overwhlemed trying to do it herself. She's the type of person that would be an hour & a half late bc she lost her keys. (Yes, this happened several times. FI eventually would have to go & pick her up). So frankly I'd be afraid if she was planning a party in the first place. (As it is I basically feel like I'm planning the parties on top of the wedding bc FFIL is a huge procrastinator so I contantly have to get FI to nudge him, "He really should be scoping out places to have the RD now." "Has he even told the hotel we want to have our pre/post wedding parties there yet?" etc).
So anyways, given all this info (& I'm sorry for the length), and ideas on how FMIL can contribute in the last 17 weeks?
Live.The.Moment.
cSc 7.22.10
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