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What to do?

So, we found out that my FH's children will not be allowed to be in the wedding per the ex-wife. She hasn't really said why but it is what it is. We are not even sure if she will allow them to come to the wedding. I'm not asking any questions about it because this has really hurt FH's feelings.
We were planning on doing a sand ceremony with all of the kids. Now I am torn if we should just to it with the two of us or include my children, who will be in the wedding.

I don't want it to look like we are not including the children. But I don't want it to look, to his family, that we are leaving his kids out.

What to do?? And of we don't do the sand with the kids, what should we do?
And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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Re: What to do?

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    I definitely would not include yours and exclude his.  Even though it's not your choice to exclude them, it will look weird to the guests who dont' know what's going on and it would be hurtful to his kids to have to watch your kids participate.  You can do the sand ceremony just together, that's how it's intended anyway.  You can see pics in my married bio of how we did ours.
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    If his kids aren't there, I would let your kids sit it out. It would look bad and just cause hurt feelings among his family.
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    Just the two of you.  You don't want to over-emphasize that his children aren't participating by only including yours.  Agree w/ Dani - people who don't know the backstory would wonder why you're not including his children.

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    If it's a choice of some or none, I would just do it with no kids.
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    I don't even know what to say, that's such bs.
    How old are your kids? Are they going to be hurt if they aren't included with a sand ceremony? Have you spoken with them about it already?
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    actually, I'd fight to have your FI's kids included. he has parental rights too, doesn't he?
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    Okay so do we do anything that will include the children or no? I feel like he should acknowledge them or something. Maybe say something at the reception?? HELP!!
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    I think if his kids cant be there and do it i dont think your kids should either. That really sucks, I am sorry about that!
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    That's a horrible thing for the mother to do to your FH. Although I do not know all the circumstances, it seems quite childish. I agree with the above that it should just be the two of you for the sand ceremony.

    What you could do is have a family portrait of your new blended family sometime after the wedding. She cannot prevent you all from taking a picture.
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    danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
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    edited June 2010
    How old are all the kids?

    I don't have kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt I guess, but I don't think you have to include kids in the wedding ceremony.  The wedding ceremony is the two of you, vows to each other becoming husband and wife.  You don't have to include kids in that.

     Sure you guys could make a toast at the reception and say something about each others kids and becoming one big family.  You could do that even if his kids aren't there.
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    Yeah, like Dani said, I would just thank them in a toast at the reception and go give them hugs or something.
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    @ Katie...my kids are 5 and 15. We have not talked to them about it yet. I think they both would like to participate.

    @ Pooh, he doesn't want the drama which I can understand. He has a great relationship with his kids but they do live with their mom and they don't want to upset her.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    edited June 2010
    I'm really sorry that you are going through this and can relate.  My FI's ex is trying her best to make sure the kids will conveniently be out of town for the wedding. 

    I would say that if you are unable to have all the children at the wedding I would not do anything for your children only. 

    If you are having programs then I would mention all the children there.  Maybe a dance with your children but nothing that is announced or orchestrated.

    You can always do a sand ceremony with all the children after the wedding.  We are doing a private one later only because we don't want to put the kids on the spot at the ceremony.

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    I would definitely fight this. Is it because the wedding isn't a time when he has the kids? Do they have joint custody? I would go to court if I had to.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:f7afc02f-7f22-44aa-8ef3-921dbf4452bc">Re: What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>How old are all the kids?</strong> I don't have kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt I guess, but I don't think you have to include kids in the wedding ceremony.  The wedding ceremony is the two of you, vows to each other becoming husband and wife.  You don't have to include kids in that.  Sure you guys could make a toast at the reception and say something about each others kids and becoming one big family.  You could do that even if his kids aren't there.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    His kids are 13, 14, and 17. Mine are 5 and 15. I guess we can just do a toast. Hopefully, she at least let them come.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    salt78salt78 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:8538b340-6e0d-4d98-8975-0cc232be50ac">Re: What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]actually, I'd fight to have your FI's kids included. he has parental rights too, doesn't he?
    Posted by pooh8402[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah this is exactly what I was thinking. If they have a joint custody agreement, I think that what she is doing is bullshit.</div>
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    Why would their mother be so petty? I hope they won't think it was their father's choice to exclude them on his wedding day.
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    Even though it's not your fault his kids can't be a part of it, it's not theirs either.  If you include yours and not his they may be hurt for years to come.  Leave yours out and either do it alone or not at all.  It's not worth causing them pain.
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    I'm not sure if this would work but when my mom got remarried my brother and I were introduced with them when they entered the reception.
    Also, I was 12ish and I did a reading at the church and was jr bridesmaid, my brother was 3 or 4 so he was just a ring bearer.
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    Okay, well they are all old enough to make their own decisions about this and tell their mom that she is being ridiculous and they want to be there for their father.
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    I like the toast idea. Maybe include that you are excited about creating a family with your kids "x and y" and his kids "x, y, z etc".
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    My vote is other, and skip the sand ceremony completely.
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    leave all the kids out of the sand ceremony. a marriage is between two people anyway.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:57341669-bf14-496d-9c54-d9e39d8f6782">Re: What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My vote is other, and skip the sand ceremony completely.
    Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

    Yep.
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    I agree with PP to not include your kids in the sand ceremony.
    Are his kids okay with not coming? That's f*cked.
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    I think the sand ceremony provides for a nice symbol of two families joining to be one.  If it is possible that his kids will attend (you said you don't know for sure, right?), then I think all of the children could be included even if his kids aren't in the WP.  Or maybe I misunderstood and only your children will be at the wedding in which case I would do something just as the two of you.

    I respect your FI's decision to not put the children in the middle of a dispute between he and his ex.  If she is being so ridiculous about this and the children are not old enough to make their own decision to be there, I think I'd just let it go. 
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    If you like the symbolism of a sand ceremony, do it between the two of you.  The mother of his children is being ridiculous - to me, with 4 months to go, I think it would be worth it to go to court and get a court order that gives your fi placement for that day.  She has no say over what you do or don't do with his children when they're on his time. 

    Does he have placement on that day anyway per the usual placement schedule, or is it a favor you have to ask of her?  If the latter, I'd go into court today and file a motion for a specific order of placement for that day.  Good luck. 
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    edited June 2010
    I have no idea why she is acting like this. They have been seperated and divorced for almost 3 years. The kids don't want to upset their mom, so they are dealing with it. I am a firm believer that when a woman is happy in her relationship, everything is rosy. But as soon as she is unhappy, she makes everyone's life a living hell.

    She just broke up with her boyfriend! Go figure!!

    They don't have an official agreement of placement. They see him when he/they want to hang out and at church.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:b1171f27-8907-4bfb-967c-a67ee5e7873d">Re: What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, well they are all old enough to make their own decisions about this and tell their mom that she is being ridiculous and they want to be there for their father.
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]
    THIS.

    and you say your FI doesn't want to create drama. well, that choice has been taken from him by his ex. she's created the drama. as a child of divorced and remarried parents I would be LIVID if one of my parents prevented me from attending or being a part of the other parent's wedding. LIVID. just like I am now at your FI's ex.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:fcfc50a8-ac78-4a94-8fcf-3e3f6d0f377b">Re: What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have no idea why she is acting like this. They have been seperated and divorced for almost 3 years. The kids don't want to upset their mom, so they are dealing with it. I am a firm believer that when a woman is happy in her relationship, everything is rosy. But as soon as she is unhappy, she makes everyone's life a living hell. She just broke up with her boyfriend! Go figure!! <strong>They don't have an official agreement of placement. They see him when he/they want to hang out and at church.
    </strong>Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]

    See, I don't understand that. At all.  How can a parent not have a formal custody/placement agreement?  This is exactly why - it leaves the door open for nonsense.   My advice is still the same:  get to the courthouse and get a formal placement/custody order.  It's not too late and it's really, really important, for all sorts of reasons.  Attending your wedding is the least of these reasons, really, but it's as good a reason as any to get the ball rolling. 
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