Who Counts As A SO?

estelkenobi · May 2010

If this has already been addressed elsewhere I appologize...

I've been hearing a lot of feedback all over the forum that if a guest has a Significant Other...Ettiquite requires they be invited as well. I agree. But my question is where do you draw the line on who coutns as a SO?

Husband/Wife/Fiance are obvious...but what about the more gray areas like people who are dating? Particularly when you have a Low Budget wedding you and your FI (who's still in college) are paying for yourselves and your guest list is already pushing the budget because you're both Italian and your families are huge.

We'd feel really bad saying "no dating couples" mainly because FI's sister and my niece are both pretty serious with with their BF's. FI wants to make the "rule" no one's who's been dating less then two years but I don't feel that's fair because WE'VE been together less then two years!

And the wild card in all this (and pretty much the reason FI thought up that rdiculous two year rule) is one of FI's Groomsmen who is dating a psycho b*tch he's broken up and gotten back together with repeatedly. FI has already informed him privately that we need to limit guests and +1s will most likely not be allowed. He's still giving us a hard time over bringing her to our wedding. Even after another groomsman (not at our behest and with much less tact) has basically told him that he's being a jerk and an idiot.

I don't think it's right to make exceptions for some people and not others but the sad fact is some folks will always be more serious while some are still feeling out the relationship so...feedback? Where have you all drawn the line if you've drawn it at all?

danieliza1127 · May 2010

I think if you know they are dating someone, then that someone should be invited. I think it's wrong to put timelines on it, like they have to have been together at least a year, because all relationships move at different speeds. They might be in a very serious relationship but together less than a year. It's not fair to do that.

opalsky007 · May 2010

2 years is a ridiculous cutoff. Like you said, people get married in much less time. I don't have a lot of advice on a better time-based cutoff because it all seems so artificial anyway.

Your wedding party members should get a date if at all possible, out of courtesy. How psycho is psycho? Saying crap behind your back, or being violent? If the first, ignore it, you'll be too busy to even notice her. If the second, have your venue's security deal with her if she becomes a problem.

smokeybailey · May 2010

I don't draw the line because I believe in plus-ones for everyone. Your wedding party should probably get a plus one and anyone in a serious relationship whether that is 30 days or 3 years. Who are you to draw the line between serious and non-serious based on time? You can't.

I would scale back so I could invite the people closest to me and those could bring dates, but that is just me. Other people here are firmly on the no plus ones for you bandwagon.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In my opinion, if someone refers to the guy as her "boyfriend" and has introduced him/her to friends, that person should be invited.

Actually, I'm big on inviting everyone with a guest, dating or not, partially to avoid these gray areas. But I know that's not the prevailing sentiment here.

FI and I were LIVING together after 7 months. You definitely need to invite people in those types of relationships.

JessAndTrav · May 2010

The obvious ones, living with bf/FI/H and then I would say just use your judgement. Does the person have a new person every week? If so, I wouldn't extend a plus one.

But if they're in a relationship and it's pretty serious, then I would do it.

I say 'pretty serious' but that's something that you would have to decide. I think that people can be serious right away and some it takes longer.

banana468 · May 2010

Two years is an awful cutoff. DH and I were serious in MONTHS.

AnnieG8 · May 2010

We aren't letting people bring +1's unless they are in the wedding party or are in a relationship. If our single friends don't have a significant other by the time our invitations go out, then they don't get a +1. We are making the exception for a few of our single friends who won't know anyone else there. I would feel bad asking them to come by themselves when they only know my FI and I.

Would it be an option for you to have a smaller guest list for the dinner and then invite more people to the dancing part of the reception? My mom thinks this is tacky so we are not doing it (my parents are paying), but I've been to a lot of other weddings where this was the case. It seems like a nice way to be able to invite a bunch more friends, or allow dates join the party, without breaking your budget. Just a thought . Good luck!

smokeybailey · May 2010

Annie-tiered receptions are bad etiquette.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_counts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddeb5853-ccb9-42a4-88f9-b8c72380829fPost:5d94cc96-3bb5-40b6-9e64-f7dfa262caec">Re: Who Counts As A SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]We aren't letting people bring +1's unless they are in the wedding party or are in a relationship. If our single friends don't have a significant other by the time our invitations go out, then they don't get a +1. We are making the exception for a few of our single friends who won't know anyone else there. I would feel bad asking them to come by themselves when they only know my FI and I. Would it be an option for you to have a smaller guest list for the dinner and then invite more people to the dancing part of the reception? <strong>My mom thinks this is tacky so we are not doing it (my parents are paying), but I've been to a lot of other weddings where this was the case. It seems like a nice way to be able to invite a bunch more friends, or allow dates join the party, without breaking your budget. Just a thought :). Good luck!</strong>
Posted by AnnieG8[/QUOTE]

No, this is VERY tacky. Actually, it's downright rude and awful. "Hey, we can't afford to feed you dinner, so we'll list you as a second class guest. You can feed yourself, but then show up and bring a present." Terrible.

AnnieG8 · May 2010

I know it's tacky...that's what I said. I was merely offering it up as a suggestion b/c I know that there are people out there who think it's fine. Like I said, I've been to several weddings where this was the case. So obviously people do it whether it is tacky or not.

opalsky007 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_counts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddeb5853-ccb9-42a4-88f9-b8c72380829fPost:9c1c0bca-73a7-490d-b92e-13dbfe406f9b">Re: Who Counts As A SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's tacky...that's what I said. I was merely offering it up as a suggestion b/c I know that there are people out there who think it's fine. Like I said, I've been to several weddings where this was the case. So obviously people do it whether it is tacky or not.
Posted by AnnieG8[/QUOTE]

Well, yeah, but it's an etiquette board after all. Not an etiquette-if-it's-convenient board.

AnnieG8 · May 2010

Good point. Scratch my suggestion

.

quotequeen · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_counts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddeb5853-ccb9-42a4-88f9-b8c72380829fPost:9c1c0bca-73a7-490d-b92e-13dbfe406f9b">Re: Who Counts As A SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's tacky...that's what I said. I was merely offering it up as a suggestion b/c I know that there are people out there who think it's fine. Like I said, I've been to several weddings where this was the case. So obviously people do it whether it is tacky or not.
Posted by AnnieG8[/QUOTE]

People do all sorts of terrible things, but why would you ever <strong>suggest </strong>something to somebody when you already agree that it's tacky?

AnnieG8 · May 2010

B/c OP is struggling to find a way to manage her guest list. I merely offered a suggestion that some people find an appropriate solution for them. Is it something I would do? No. Is it tacky? Yes. But everyone is allowed to make their own choice that will best accomodate their venue constraints and their guest list.

kikipania · May 2010

Generally, I drew the line for SO if the people were living together. If they weren't living together, then I did it on a guest-by-guest basis, basically if we had the room/budget and if I knew they were dating for some time, then they could bring the SO.

psichick · May 2010

we're inviting pretty much everyone with a +1. personally i think it's rude not to invite someone with a +1. who are you to judge how serious someone's relationship is? plus it's just common here for everyone to get a +1. the whole bridal party isn't even an option, they should definitely get a +1.

if you're having this much trouble with your guest list that you actually told a GM that he's not getting a +1 because his gf is a psycho i suggest you either cut your guest list or push back the wedding to save more money to accommodate all your guests. that was an incredibly rude thing to say to your GM.

pamela626 · May 2010

I think it is fine and not in poor taste to invite someone to your wedding without the option of inviting a guest. The whole point of the wedding is to spend time with the people you love and care about and to celebrate.

We did a rough six months rule with a few logical exceptions here and there. If the person wasn't dating someone six months before the wedding (even just starting to date someone) they are not getting invited +guest. These are all also people that will know a lot of other guests at the wedding. If invited +guest they may feel obligated to invite someone just to have a date and then spend the evening baby-sitting the date that doesn't know anyone else at the wedding. Just my humble opinion.

goheels05 · May 2010

Low budget weddings and paying for the wedding yourself aren't factors in determining a "cutoff" for SO's. Neither is whether or not you like a person's SO.

Invites go out 6 weeks before the wedding, so if anyone is dating someone regularly at the time invites go out, they should be invited with that person they date. If they happen to break up in that 6 weeks, chances are you will hear about it and know that the date won't be coming to your wedding.

emilykathleen511 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_counts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddeb5853-ccb9-42a4-88f9-b8c72380829fPost:3fddf464-9bfe-409e-8824-37ed0e2c7e1d">Re: Who Counts As A SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]Generally, I drew the line for SO if the people were living together. If they weren't living together, then I did it on a guest-by-guest basis, basically if we had the room/budget and if I knew they were dating for some time, then they could bring the SO.
Posted by kikipania[/QUOTE]

<div>I've been together with my FI for 8 years. We don't live together. Does that mean you wouldn't have invited us together?</div>

kikipania · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_counts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddeb5853-ccb9-42a4-88f9-b8c72380829fPost:4cc84ea4-bb0a-4126-a555-5384286b7a1a">Re: Who Counts As A SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who Counts As A SO? : I've been together with my FI for 8 years. We don't live together. Does that mean you wouldn't have invited us together?
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

No, you would have been decided upon as an independent basis (as said in my original post, many guests were decided upon on a individual basis). Since most my guests are my Facebook friends, I would have known you have been together for 8 years so therefore you obviously would have been invited. If you really care to know, I also asked ladies whose relationship status I was unsure of at my bridal party if they were "seeing anyone" and if they would care to bring a guest.

:)

kinsey0628 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_counts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddeb5853-ccb9-42a4-88f9-b8c72380829fPost:e46ab351-6213-4c77-8d0d-54b93f0a374c">Re: Who Counts As A SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]The whole point of the wedding is to spend time with the people you love and care about and to celebrate...... If invited +guest they may feel obligated to invite someone just to have a date and then spend the evening baby-sitting the date that doesn't know anyone else at the wedding.
Posted by pamela626[/QUOTE]

yeah but the point of this etiquette board is how to make guests feel comfortable and have a good time. i think you judging the seriousness of relationships and who is worthy of bringing a date is the opposite of that.

also no one is going to feel OBLIGATED to bring a date and get stuck "baby sitting" them. having a date makes the evening more enjoyable. period. if you can't extend that courtesy to your guests for monetary reasons, that's understandable, just don't try to justify it like single people are not worthy and/or don't WANT to have a date/companion for the evening.

DBrodeur · May 2010

I generally tend to agree with inviting a +1 with every guest. Especially when your guest really only knows you or a few others that are invited. However, I do think that you can invite groups without dates, like a group of coworkers who are all friends. If they are all married, I would still invite their husbands, but most of my coworkers are leaving their men at home and coming together by choice. Also a group of close college friends probably wouldn't mind going solo together. I don't know if this is totally against what Etiquette requires, but it is your wedding and you have to be able to afford it. I personally would rather be invited to a friend's wedding without a date than not be invited at all because she couldn't afford to have guests and their dates.

blondie82784 · May 2010

Id go with anyone living together or in a long term committed relationship... People in your wedding party should be allowed to bring a guest ( I only believe thats right) but no matter what someone's going to say something about ur wedding or the way things are going to be done... Stick to what u feel is right and forget what others have to say... your paying for it not them!!!! If they dont like the rules you have put down for yourwedding well guess what, they dont have to come!!! just my opinion

pooh8402 · May 2010

I did +1s on a case by case basis. there were some people that would have been stressed out if I had given them a +1, becuase they would have felt obligated to find a date. in fact, one of my bridesmaids is perpetually single, and doesn't know many people at my wedding outside of my family. I gave her a +1, and she stressed and stressed about it and held off on telling me whether or not she would have a date because she couldn't think of anyone to bring. she ended up replying that she will be coming alone, but I caused her unneccessary stress by trying to do the "polite" thing.

Ckirwin · May 2010

i don't think we're going to send out a single "and guest". all the people we are inviting who are in relationships will be invited with their significant other. if they're you're friend and you know their SO's name then the invite should be addressed to both of them anyway, not "and guest". we don't have a lot of single friends so this isn't' a big problem for us, but we will not be extending the "and guest" option to people not in a relationship. we're paying for the wedding ourselves and can't afford to pay for our friends to bring a random date. plus, the only single people coming are a couple of my college girl friends who will be at a table full of our other friends from college so they will not be lonely. i think if we had a single friend who didn't know anyone else then we may have considered the "and guest" option for them, but we don't really have that problem. every area has different rules on what is acceptable and what is not so just do what makes the most sense for your crowd and is acceptable practice in your area.

miriamard · May 2010

My FMIL decided that people invited wihtout a +1 should be able to bring their grandchildren... GRRR!

sgregor6 · May 2010

Due to budget constraints, we also struggled with this. We ended up thinking about who the person would sit with and deciding on a case-by-case basis. For example, if we could name a large handful of friends the person could be seated with, we did not invite them with a guest. If we could only name one or two people they might know to be seated with, we invited them +1. The exceptions to this were married couples and the wedding party. Invitations for married couples were addressed to both spouses regardless of how many friends they had there and everyone in the WP was invited with a date regardless of dating status. Hope this helps! Good luck!

cukimerrydoll · May 2010

In general, we did a case by case basis. If I knew the name and general information of the SO, they are invited to come.

I've been invited to a few weddings without my FH in the past few years, and unless I was working at the wedding, I wouldn't go without him.

jlmarks83 · May 2010

Everyone invited to our wedding that isn't married is getting a +1. Obviously, if we know the SO's name, their name will be on the invite or they will receive their own...but we just maneuvered our guest list around because we wanted to give every guest the option to bring someone.

I agree with PPs that the 2 year cutoff is ridiculous. FI and I got engaged 9 months and 4 days from the day we met/had our first date. We started talking marriage 2 months into our relationship. There are so many gray areas when you give some people +1 and others nothing.

I've been to a wedding before where I wasn't given a +1...and my SO, at the time, and I had been together 1 1/2 years...and the bride knew him personally...and he didn't get invited...and was really hurt by that.

catemeg · May 2010

My mother wants me to send out a "and guest" to everyone over the age of 18 who isn't married. This includes my cousins and close friends who aren't dating anyone specific. This will add more than 50 people to my invite list!!!

This is how I see it:
1) Over 18 years old (everyone younger than that are my cousins, who all know each other)
2) Know fewer than 10 people attending (enough to fill a table)
3) Are in a relationship/dating

If they fit 2 of the above points, they get a +1. By following THESE rules, I'll only have 20 additional to the list!

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