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Military Brides
spalko
member
Active Duty?!?!
So I'm kind of new to posting on this board but I have a question for all you military brides...
My FI is currently in the National Guard and stationed overseas. He should be home soon (FINALLY!!!!) and we'll need to start thinking about the future. He's half away through his contract and has three years left in the Guard. We've discussed the possibility of him going Active Duty once he gets home but I am so so so nervous about the thought. I don't come from a military family so I don't have any clue as to what all is involved with this type of decision. So I'm asking for some insight, the good and the bad!
I'm worried about where we'd be stationed? Where would I work? Would FI have to go back overseas? Financially is it right for us? What if I want kids some day? I don't want to live thousands of miles away from my family while pregnant. Just all these thoughts run through my mind about whether or not we should do this. And I know that FI and I need to discuss this but I want to hear about it from women who live this everyday. I worked hard to get where I am with my career and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up...
Just a lot of thoughts going through my head and I couldn't think of a better group to ask then you ladies! Thanks in advance for all the help
My FI is currently in the National Guard and stationed overseas. He should be home soon (FINALLY!!!!) and we'll need to start thinking about the future. He's half away through his contract and has three years left in the Guard. We've discussed the possibility of him going Active Duty once he gets home but I am so so so nervous about the thought. I don't come from a military family so I don't have any clue as to what all is involved with this type of decision. So I'm asking for some insight, the good and the bad!
I'm worried about where we'd be stationed? Where would I work? Would FI have to go back overseas? Financially is it right for us? What if I want kids some day? I don't want to live thousands of miles away from my family while pregnant. Just all these thoughts run through my mind about whether or not we should do this. And I know that FI and I need to discuss this but I want to hear about it from women who live this everyday. I worked hard to get where I am with my career and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up...
Just a lot of thoughts going through my head and I couldn't think of a better group to ask then you ladies! Thanks in advance for all the help
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Active Duty?!?!
The decision to go active or not is definitely a LOADED decision, as you have already discovered!
Regarding finances, you should sit down with him when he gets backand talk about the pro's and con's. It can be difficult to find a job as a spouse, but there are programs that will help you with this. Finances are tricky, as they are with any career. Plenty of active duty couples have children (obviously :P ) but this is a major thing to discuss, as he could easily be deployed which puts you as a somwhat single parent for a while. That doesn't always mean you'll be alone, though. There are wives clubs/groups that are there for support and to help when you move and are new to areas. There are TONS of programs and places for information and support when you're with child, or have children. I also know of many women that flew back to be with family during pregnancy because the hubbies were deployed.
AD may or may not deploy as much as National Guard. That totally depends on where you end up located, but location is part of the fun with the military! You could end up living it up in Germany, or right back near home. If you like culture and travelling, then this is a definite pro for your list.
It's a scary decision, especially if you know little about the military, but many people do it.
Those are all questions that need to be thought about and are hard to consider in your situation. H's contract was up and we had to think about those things before he reenlisted. Which he did yesterday :-)
For us, it just made sense. The pros outweighed the cons. I'm a teacher and will be giving up a great 5th grade position that I have had for 7 years. We will be moving a plane ride away from my parents. We are trying to get pregnant but he'll be gone half of each year. However, we decided that the military is what is best for us at the moment.
Only you and your FI will be able to answer those questions.
Good luck :-)
[QUOTE]o0o0o I didn't know you could do that.. that's nifty. :]
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
I was waiting for her to get back. I don't think I'm SUPPOSED to edit people's posts but if it puts people in danger than I think I should. Right?
[QUOTE]Oh, absolutely. You made the right call. It's not like you did some big-time editing.. which I would totally abuse if I had that power.... kidding... kinda... :P
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
Haha! Okay good because I was feeling kinda guilty!
P.S. You totally missed to boat on the beautiful limo. If I were you, I'd solder together two cars and make your own for your wedding ;-) It's klassy.
Also, we have two dogs, are they allowed to move with us? What if we get stationed overseas?? Just a ton of questions running through my head right now but FI and I will definitely have to talk about it some more once he's home.
Oh, and I don't mind that you edited my post.
[QUOTE]See, this is what I'm saying... I don't know anything about the military and I don't know that I really want too. I'm so worried that we'll end up moving thousands of miles away and I'll be stuck on this base feeling unwanted and unwelcomed because I don't know how things go. I already go to these Guard functions and feel so uncomfortable I can only imagine be surrounded by it 24/7. I don't mean that to be rude or offensive to anyone, I just haven't had a good experience dealing with this military stuff. Also, we have two dogs, are they allowed to move with us? What if we get stationed overseas?? Just a ton of questions running through my head right now but FI and I will definitely have to talk about it some more once he's home. Oh, and I don't mind that you edited my post.
Posted by spalko[/QUOTE]
Dogs better be able to move because there is no way H or I could live without him :-) I don't know about over seas though.
Listen, I'm new to this too. It's overwhelming. A few posts ago I was asking these girls about health care because it made NO sense to me. People will understand that you are new to military life and they will help you out!
My relationship with H has been while he was recruiting. So we are off base, in his home town, and other than him going to work we aren't really around other military members. I will be moving to a base in January and I'm sure it'll be scary!
You just have to do what is best for both of you. Don't let being new influence your decision because if you decide for him to enlist, at some point you won't be new anymore!
I hope that made sense!
Dogs can absolutely move with you, although that gets complicated with particular breeds when moving overseas.. Some places like Italy won't allow the mean breeds liek pit bulls in, some places to a quarantine for a period to make sure your dog isn't tempermental, some places youhave to have a vet's note saying such, etc. We always had border collies/labs in Germany and NEVER had an issue with any of this stuff.
People can be hit and miss, military or civilian. I have not had the best experiences with my wives club, but I know that some of the women are absolutely awesome.
I can tell that you are getting frustrated, and that's TOTALLY normal. It's so so much. We know
There are times when it feels like you're so alone, even when you're surrounded by familiar faces. I go to about a function a week with my fiance' and sometimes they turn out great, and sometimes I can't wait to get out of there. You're not the only one! That's what we're here for, too. You can ask us 31525130987098751230 questions and we won't get annoyed. Promise.
[QUOTE]See, this is what I'm saying... <strong>I don't know anything about the military and I don't know that I really want too</strong>. I'm so worried that we'll end up moving thousands of miles away and I'll be stuck on this base feeling unwanted and unwelcomed because I don't know how things go. I already go to these Guard functions and feel so uncomfortable I can only imagine be surrounded by it 24/7. I don't mean that to be rude or offensive to anyone, I just haven't had a good experience dealing with this military stuff. Also, we have two dogs, are they allowed to move with us? What if we get stationed overseas?? Just a ton of questions running through my head right now but FI and I will definitely have to talk about it some more once he's home. Oh, and I don't mind that you edited my post.
Posted by spalko[/QUOTE]
<div>This line bothered me a bit, if you don't want to know anything about the military then I would say that this lifestyle isn't for you. You and your H need to sit down and talk about this. This lifestyle can be difficult and it is somethng that you will need to learn to adapt to. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, you don't have to live on base, you can always live out in the community, this way you won't feel like you're always surrounded by the military. You can get involved in the FRG and meet people this way, especially wives that are going through the same things as you. There are a lot of support groups out there if you need it. </div><div>
</div><div>If your FI gets stationed overseas, be aware that his orders may be unaccompanied, which means you can't be there with him, or if he's on accompanied orders, it might take a while before you can move there. There is quite a bit of processing that goes into that. Same with the dogs, when moving overseas, there will be papers that need processing for the dogs and you'll have to get them quarantined, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>Hope you figure out what is best for you. We are always here to answer questions. </div>
As far as how things will change if he goes AD... The other girls did a good job answering that. Yes, he might be gone more often but he might not. It really depends on what his job in the service is, where you're stationed, etc. FI has been in the Marine Corps for 5 years now, and he's only been deployed once. Granted, that's mostly because he was placed in a nondeployable pilot training squadron for the first 4 years he's been in. Yes, you might have to move a lot and move all over. But instead of immediately freaking out over the thought of it, think about how it could be fun. You get to see more, do more, meet more people. I live nowhere near my FI, but I've still met some of the most amazing people I know from visiting him and the people he works with.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_active-duty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:303a467f-66fc-4bab-a921-a0f443a14321Post:f85483f8-80be-4747-a25c-1d99af4d4014">Re: Active Duty?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]See, this is what I'm saying... I don't know anything about the military and I don't know that I really want too.
Posted by spalko[/QUOTE]
It might just be how you worded it, but this comment strikes a nerve with me. I do understand not being sure you want him to go AD, I've actually been dealing with the same thought about my FI reenlisting. But you have to consider his thoughts and feelings too. Do you really want to tell him that you refuse to accept him going AD if that's what he wants? Like I said, I do understand being worried/unsure about it... just be careful how you talk about it with him. It can lead to big time blow-up fights if you aren't careful. Please trust me on that one. Been there, done that.
Things can be hard sometimes. Trust me. I'm doing this with 4 kids and a husband who is gone at least 3/4 of every year. We make the most of it. We spend every minute together that we can.
It can be hard for military spouses to find work, but you can do it. I have several friends who have found jobs working from home. I have other friends who are working on higher degrees. It isn't impossible. Sometimes, you have to be creative.
Other than my time served as a Reservist, I've been a SAHM for the past 5 years. We aren't rolling in the dough, but we do well enough. We've just put #3 of our 4 into private school with her older brother and sister. With that money going out, there isn't much extra. I've taken a job cleaning forclosures for extra money. It isn't luxurious, but I can make a decent amount of money a couple days a week.
I've made some of the best friends of my life as a mil spouse. Many of them are in different areas of the country or world now. I miss them dearly, but we talk through FB or with Skype. They know they are always welcome at my house and I know we are always welcome to spend time with them at theirs.
We have had some hard moments, but we have had more good than bad. I wouldn't trade the majority of it for anything. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Also, lurk here and on the Military Nesties board on The Nest. You may get a better feel of what our lives are like. Every one of them are different.
[QUOTE]please delete anything that says when he will be home you are breaking OPSEC And you have to wait until his contract with the guard is up..
Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]
Actually, he doesn't have to wait. He can go to an active duty recruiter and fill out a DA Form 368. It is a request for conditional release. It is up to the state as to how far up the chain that request has to go for approval. In our state the Assistant Adjutant General signs each of them. Our job market sucks so if it is for financial reasons they are usually released.
When he gets home you guys need to explore the options and know that there are many pros and cons.
I will tell you this as the military member in our home (and I'm a MOB). Our spouses are what makes or breaks us. A supportive spouse is like your backbone. My DH has been a military spouse for almost 15 years. I could not do what I do without him and his support. His support is unconditional.
A few years ago I NEVER worked less than 60 hours a week for a 14 month stretch. Worked lots of the big holidays, lots of weekends, and many nights til 10 or 11 pm. The only thing that man ever said to me when I would call and let him know I had to work late was "What can I do?" Every time. He still does that.
As you and your FI make this decision you need to be very honest with yourself. Can you support him unconditionally? The Army doesn't give a rip when your wedding is planned, when your family reunion back home will be, etc. The mission has to come first. If you don't feel you can do that, you need to be really honest with him.
My career is almost done. I go on terminal leave next May and will be out at the end of July. It has given my family benefits and income that will last for the rest of my life. It was a huge investment, but it has a huge payoff.
The ladies on this board can attest that they are called upon to offer up a great deal of support. Many of them can tell you of the rewards from their POV. I just know that being a military spouse is the toughest job in the miltary and my DH rocks!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Active Duty?!?! : Actually, he doesn't have to wait. He can go to an active duty recruiter and fill out a DA Form 368. It is a request for conditional release. It is up to the state as to how far up the chain that request has to go for approval. In our state the Assistant Adjutant General signs each of them. Our job market sucks so if it is for financial reasons they are usually released. When he gets home you guys need to explore the options and know that there are many pros and cons. I will tell you this as the military member in our home (and I'm a MOB). Our spouses are what makes or breaks us. A supportive spouse is like your backbone. My DH has been a military spouse for almost 15 years. I could not do what I do without him and his support. His support is unconditional. A few years ago I NEVER worked less than 60 hours a week for a 14 month stretch. Worked lots of the big holidays, lots of weekends, and many nights til 10 or 11 pm. The only thing that man ever said to me when I would call and let him know I had to work late was "What can I do?" Every time. He still does that. As you and your FI make this decision you need to be very honest with yourself. Can you support him unconditionally? The Army doesn't give a rip when your wedding is planned, when your family reunion back home will be, etc. The mission has to come first. If you don't feel you can do that, you need to be really honest with him. My career is almost done. I go on terminal leave next May and will be out at the end of July. It has given my family benefits and income that will last for the rest of my life. It was a huge investment, but it has a huge payoff. The ladies on this board can attest that they are called upon to offer up a great deal of support. Many of them can tell you of the rewards from their POV. <strong>I just know that being a military spouse is the toughest job in the miltary </strong>and my DH rocks!
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Bhahahahahahaha yeah that is not even close.
</div>
We're not a group to sugar coat things, and I think everyone has done a great job and being straight-forward with you. He could be gone more, or less. You could be across the country from your family, you could be right next door. Probably 90% of the military lifestyle is rolling with the punches.
[QUOTE]See, this is what I'm saying... <strong>I don't know anything about the military and I don't know that I really want too.</strong> I'm so worried that we'll end up moving thousands of miles away and I'll be stuck on this base feeling unwanted and unwelcomed because I don't know how things go. Posted by spalko[/QUOTE]
Like the other ladies, this really rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure you meant no offense by it, but it's kind of snotty IMO. Your FI's in the Guard, which is the military. Why wouldn't you want to know more about his job? or what could possibly become his career? That would be like you telling him about your job and him saying "I don't really care". My biggest advice to you is to be open minded. Open minded about him going AD, living on a base, being near other military spouses. Be open to the military lifestyle.. It provides pretty well for thousands of families.
We had the Active duty talk in reverse of you about a year ago. My job is very location specific and so is his while he is active duty. He has very few bases he can be stationed at and it was time for a re-enlistment. So we went through the math you're going to have to sit down and do. It needs to be a two way discussion without any veils. You have to tell the whole truth and put it all on the table or it is likely that one of you is going to get very annoyed with the other when a big problem comes up later on related to the active duty or not talk.
Some of it is also going to be very specific like others said to what he does. Some units deploy for a year, some go for a month. Some don't deploy at all while at a specific base.
To address you second post. I have personal experience in being pushed out of the group. For the entire time I have dated FI I have been the only girl friend, yes for 3 years he has been stationed on a post and in his unit and in a great number of his battalion I was the only girlfriend/FI. Everyone else was married or single and dating around. So I was the outsider. Some wives aren't that nice about it. I am not judging anyone here by any stretch (just so you nice ladies know) but I have had day after day of bad experience. Hearing them talk about me behind my back, not being invited to functions - even when the FI was in town not to mention when he was deployed - eekks! But with that bad. I have made the best friends of my life!. I have friends that I know it doesn't matter how far away we get stationed from each other we will talk 2 times a week and we would drive cross country to help the other. We even have driven the entire west coast while on vacation for them and come back form vacations early for them. And they have done the same for us. People can be mean or nice regardless of what their job description is.
You also don't need to live on post. We didn't and when FI moves in a few weeks we still wont. I actually need to live off post for work. It may sound odd to some of you, but living on post would mean I cant get work state side. This entire experience can be a blessing or a curse. that is up to you. Even deployments can be a gift in disguise. It has given me opportunities to see FI's family I would have never had, given me friends I coudln't imagine and given me a bolstered ability to take care of myself. Our dog is also now very well trained due to deployments.
Lastly I will address beign so far away from your family. My entire family has lived in NOLA. no one has ever moved out of the state except for military purposes, and even those that have moved have now since come back after retirement. Most of my family doesnt even travel. I on the other hand made a choice to go with my FI and to get married and go where he gets stationed. Nothing is near my family really. No matter where we go He will be stationed a minimum of 4 hours away. There is also nothing that he can be sent to within 8 hours of his family. I am extremely close to my family and it is hard to not have them there, but they visit. FI's family also visits us all the time. and every time we have vacation we try and see one group of family for atleast a day. Even if it is only lunch or something. We also try and plan trips together. It isnt easy to be away from them, and I wont even assume what it is like to have a child and be away from them. I do know though that when/if we are going to have a kid FI's family would com stay with me for his entire deployment if I wanted, and my family would come up and visit at every opportunity. This is an age of planes trains and automobiles. Even Europe isnt that far away by plane.
This lifestyle is hard, but it is worth it. And can be the most amazing experience of your life it you let it. But you need to be honest with yourself and your FI. There is never any reason to not want to know about a new thing. Every life you could have will have ups and downs and every lifestyle requires dedication and desire to truly be a life.
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Additionally, these girls mentioned something essential to being a military girlfriend/fiance/spouse/relative/etc... OPSEC!!!! Be extremely careful what you say on the internet or on the phone to anyone about what he's doing/where he is/when he's coming home, etc. Where I live in FL now, we have to be extra diligent with this since there are quite a few people who seek to gain intel on our military. Always protect what he does, whether he's active duty or not!
[QUOTE]See, this is what I'm saying... I don't know anything about the military and I don't know that I really want too. I'm so worried that we'll end up moving thousands of miles away and I'll be stuck on this base feeling unwanted and unwelcomed because I don't know how things go. I already go to these Guard functions and feel so uncomfortable I can only imagine be surrounded by it 24/7. I don't mean that to be rude or offensive to anyone, I just haven't had a good experience dealing with this military stuff. Also, we have two dogs, are they allowed to move with us? What if we get stationed overseas?? Just a ton of questions running through my head right now but FI and I will definitely have to talk about it some more once he's home. Oh, and I don't mind that you edited my post.
Posted by spalko[/QUOTE]
I think a really good idea would be for you both to speak with a Family Readiness Officer to get some more information on dealing with military life. I'm pretty sure you don't need to be married to go and speak to someone who knows a great deal about military life. Whenever you move, btw, you can bring all dependents and pets with you (as long as the place you're moving to permits them). You can bring every last little thing with you, but you'll have to keep it below a certain weight limit if you want the government to pay for your move. Anything over what you're allowed to bring, you just have to pay for out of pocket. BUT, don't worry yourself with that. Military life is not as complicated as it sounds and military people are a lot like normal people, just a little different. They make big sacrifices so that they can serve their country and many of them are very proud to be a part of the military community and are very welcoming and supportive of newcomers.
Everyone else covered everything I wanted to say pretty well, OP. Everyone has questions at first, you just get used to everything. You have to be VERY open-minded. I'm a firm believer that a good attitude goes a long way to adjusting well.
[QUOTE]I really, really don't like it when people say being a spouse is the toughest job in the military. As a spouse, I don't feel that way, at all. I guarantee it that other people have much tougher jobs than I do. For some reason, I find it kind of condescending. Sorry-- huge pet peeve. Everyone else covered everything I wanted to say pretty well, OP. Everyone has questions at first, you just get used to everything. You have to be VERY open-minded. I'm a firm believer that a good attitude goes a long way to adjusting well.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]
I totally agree. That phrase reallllllly rubs me the wrong way! Every time I hear it, I try to think about who actually has the hardest job, and I'm pretty sure it's bomb techs, the guys and gals who disarm bombs with their bare hands. Or the people who have to alert families of a casualty. Sitting around and waiting for them to come home while you do your own thing isn't hard - frustrating, lonely, and annoying, but it doesn't compare to putting your own life and well being at risk every day.
My post wasn't meant to offend anyone, but I do believe my spouse's job is harder than mine and many of us do. Not to be condescending or patronizing either. When I chose to join the military I knew what I was getting in to. I was a miltiary brat.
I knew my plans, vacations, family choices/planning, etc, would be at the whim of the miltary. I knew I would miss important events. I missed my youngest DD's first day of kindergarten and middle school graduation. I remember telling my supervisor at the time that when June 2000 rolled around I would be at her high school graduation no matter what!
There are many other big events I missed and things that have happened to me by my choice of career. I knew that from the beginning. My choice, my job, my consequences. I didn't make it home in time when my father and brother passed away from cancer because I was trying to balance work with being there for them.
My DH had no clue what would truly be expected of him when he married me. He has given up immeasurably for my career. He sees this as "our" career when it comes to the nature of the beast and the benefits and security it brings to our family. Without his support I would fail. I have watched many peers have to choose between their marriages and their careers because their spouses were unsupportive and felt the demands were too much.
I could have been the biitch from hell when he was working (he is retired from GM) and it wouldn't have had near the impact on his career that it would on a military career. There were no particular demands on my time, my plans, my career, etc because of his job. The polar opposite was true from his end.
It takes an incredible amount of selfless giving to be a military spouse. Civilian spouses have no idea what deployments, schools, training, etc is about and what that means to a military family. They have no idea what it's like to take over everything for a year and worry about their loved one.
So let's keep intent in mind here. I have EOD buddies, Infantry buddies, Artillery buddies, "chairborn ranger" buddies (admin guys). The ones in successful marriages feel their spouse has it much harder than they do and we have had these discussions more than once.
My intent was that my spouse and many others have chosen to take on something that would scare most away. He is my make or break guy. In MY respectful opinion, the spouses take on the hardest part. If I were the spouse I would probably disagree with me.
I will say the casualty notification I did was the hardest thing I've ever done and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The Chaplain who accompanied me has done 17 of them. Maybe that is the hardest job and certainly out of the norm.
I guess all I'm say is that when I say that or someone else does, it isn't patronizing. It is tremendous respect and gratitude.
However, I think it's a totally different thing for a service member to be grateful to their spouse and respect the sacrifices they've made by saying that being a spouse is "the hardest job in the military" compared to a dependent who is self-proclaiming they have the hardest job. Do you see the difference? My FI can tell me that I have the hardest job, and I'll smile and thank you and demure from the compliment, but if I heard a spouse tell me that they had the hardest job, I'd think they weren't respecting the sacrifices the service members themselves make.
[QUOTE]kmmssg, I think it's really sweet that you think your spouse has a harder job being your spouse than your own job. And I think it's perfectly right and suiting that you appreciate him - I would hope my FI thinks it's harder doing what I do so he appreciates me and the sacrificies and compromises I've made and will continue making. However, I think it's a totally different thing for a service member to be grateful to their spouse and respect the sacrifices they've made by saying that being a spouse is "the hardest job in the military" compared to a dependent who is self-proclaiming they have the hardest job. Do you see the difference? My FI can tell me that I have the hardest job, and I'll smile and thank you and demure from the compliment, but if I heard a spouse tell me that they had the hardest job, I'd think they weren't respecting the sacrifices the service members themselves make.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
I couldn't agree with you more on that! I guess I might side-eye a spouse who self-proclaimed that. I totally get what you are saying.