Asking for money instead of gifts??

anglssftwhisper · June 2012

My FI wants to ask our guests for money to go towards the honeymoon instead of and/or with a gift registry. Is this distasteful? Everyone I've mentioned it to kind of cringes lol. So what's ya'll's take on the money tree?

aimers1525 · June 2012

It's very rude to ask for money. Make a small registry of items, and people will get the hint.

mrsmtothek · June 2012

Most people on here (and by most, I mean probably 99%) will really really hate this idea. BUT every situation is different and for me and my fiance, we decided that we were best suited to do a very small traditional registry at Crate and Barrel, and a honeymoon registry at Sandals. Everyone that I've asked in person doesn't think this idea is tacky or rude, instead they think its inspired for the non-traditional bride. That being said, do what you think is right for you. Good luck!

anglssftwhisper · June 2012

I wasn't big on this idea because I'm not one to ask for money anyways and I did see another post where someone asked the same question and it seems to be an all around no. Having a small registry list sounds like a good idea and wasn't something I had thought of.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

It is one of the rudest things you can do. Follow your instincts.

MNVegas · June 2012

There is a good reason why everyone cringes when you mention this idea, it is an inappropriate request. You don't need to ask your guests for money. People already know that money is a great gift and will give it if they want to. Agree w/pp about doing a small registry and plan a HM that YOU can afford.

artbyallie · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_asking-for-money-instead-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3d098897-ff8c-43ed-95e3-3ea882ae4bdcPost:47c1b4ee-8029-4823-a7d8-f829a3869db9">Re: Asking for money instead of gifts??</a>:
[QUOTE]Most people on here (and by most, I mean probably 99%) will really really hate this idea. BUT every situation is different and for me and my fiance, we decided that we were best suited to do a very small traditional registry at Crate and Barrel, and a honeymoon registry at Sandals. <strong>Everyone that I've asked in person doesn't think this idea is tacky or rude, instead they think its inspired for the non-traditional bride</strong>. That being said, do what you think is right for you. Good luck!
Posted by mckemowse[/QUOTE]

<div>No one's going to tell you to your face, but it really is tacky <em>and</em> rude, promise. Your friends just don't want to hurt your feelings by pointing that out. Honeymoon registries are just companies that take a cut from the money your guests give and then write you a check. People are not stupid; they know money is a good wedding gift and will give it without prompting. Even with two brick-and-mortar store registries, we got a fairly large amount of money from our guests.</div>

mrsmtothek · June 2012

artbyallie The people I asked have no problem being brutally honest with me. Hard to believe but not everyone aligns their views with the "world according to bride". But in any case the decision I made was mine, not yours. I was simply trying to support someone who might've been considering something similar, and why I was *happy* I went with the decision I did.

AdeleDazeem · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_asking-for-money-instead-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3d098897-ff8c-43ed-95e3-3ea882ae4bdcPost:0ded3b4b-bdfb-4569-b608-b9c4dd7f754d">Re: Asking for money instead of gifts??</a>:
[QUOTE]@ artbyallie The people I asked have no problem being brutally honest with me. Hard to believe but not everyone aligns their views with the "world according to bride". But in any case the decision I made was mine, not yours. I was simply trying to support someone who might've been considering something similar, and why I was *happy* I went with the decision I did.
Posted by mckemowse[/QUOTE]

Yeaaah... What about the people who you haven't asked?

Asking for money is rude. In any format. The end. That's not "the world according to bride," that's the world according too common decency and manners.

mrsmtothek · June 2012

I know I'm in the minority here, trust me. But to me, its the same concept as a regular registry. Is asking for pots and pans rude too then? Either way you're suggesting to people what you would prefer to get for a wedding present. I don't see how a honeymoon versus a new crockpot differs. And for either case, what the guest purchases for the couple is their own choice. They could go off the registry completely.

But again, we'd go round and round on this argument. Like I said previously, I was just trying to give input on a decision someone was curious about.

AdeleDazeem · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_asking-for-money-instead-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3d098897-ff8c-43ed-95e3-3ea882ae4bdcPost:51bd50b0-227b-4ed1-8764-c1fb1ee5cda4">Re: Asking for money instead of gifts??</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I'm in the minority here, trust me. But to me, its the same concept as a regular registry. Is asking for pots and pans rude too then? Either way you're suggesting to people to what you would prefer to get for a wedding present. I don't see how a honeymoon versus a new crockpot differs. And for either case, what the guest purchases for the couple is their own choice. They could go off the registry completely. But again, we'd go round and round on this argument. Like I said previously, I was just trying to give input on a decision someone was curious about.
Posted by mckemowse[/QUOTE]

No, we wouldn't go round and round.

Normal registries are simply wishes. If you are thinking of getting a gift, here's some pots and pans we'd like.

Cash, on the other hand, is always welcome. Who doesn't want cash? There's no need to register for it, ask for it, or demand it (in the form of money trees, open jars at the reception or dollar dances). There just isn't. A honeymoon registry is just a fancy way of asking for cash, something that everyone knows is a good gift. What's worse is that many honeymoon registries are deceptive. A person thinks they are buying a $100 snorkel trip for the couple, but really the couple will just get a check for $90 to spend as they please (because the website takes a cut of the money). It's a whole lot easier to just put $100 in a card and then let the couple spend it as they see fit.

There are ways to tastefully put out there that cash (for a honeymoon, a home, etc) is preferred. Register for only a few things at one place. People will get the hint and give you money. Money that is yours to spend however you want without some website taking a cut or you holding out your hand like a greedy person.

What's done is done and you are happy with your decision. Fine. But, it certainly wasn't the only or most etiquette-appropriate way to handle the situation.

RailWayWife · June 2012

I find it very rude to ask for money. Dont do it.

mrsmtothek · June 2012

For my Sandals registry, any activity a guest purchases is actually processed through the hotel we're staying at and we get signed up for it. Those items aren't placeholders for cash. There are fees through the honeymoon registry, but how is that any different from paying for shipping and handling through a gift registry in addition to taxes? I can't imagine I'd be that enraged at having to pay a few dollars extra for a processing fee, especially when that goes towards Sandals printing up a nice card and sending it to me to inform me of their purchase.

The honeymoon registry gives us a chance to plan ahead, as opposed to receiving money in an envelope at the wedding. I'd much rather give someone money knowing what it was going towards (the same with a traditional gift registry), and this way we can actually plan out our honeymoon. It's not like we're being deceptive here--these people are our friends and family, we're not transferring this money to our bank account for groceries next week.

mrsmtothek · June 2012

For our honeymoon registry, we receive the full dollar amount for the gift. The fee is separate and not taken out of our gift. And as far as planning goes--for us, my fiance works for the government and has to request vacation time a year in advance. Taking a honeymoon a year later is something we wanted to avoid if possible.

mrsmtothek · June 2012

We're using Sandals. Its completely catered towards a vacation we have chosen through them for a specific destination.

brookethebride1 · June 2012

I'm with mckemowse - our honeymoon registry is for the full amount of the gift and we intend to use if for the items purchased. Just like you intend to use the pans your aunt gives you. We had a lot of fun creating the registry and finding unique ideas. My FI was way more into this than our Macy's registry.

Some of you go crazy on these boards about HMR, what gives. I noticed that MNVegas posts on nearly every mention of these. And, you got married like three years ago. What happened on your honeymoon to taint you so?

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

I haven't seen one poster go on a tirade. If you post on a public forum, you're opening yourself up to everyone's opinions--those you like and agree with and those you do not. Everyone is entitled to post their opinion, regardless of how long ago they got married (that's the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard by the way.). HM registries are typically looked down on and even though your guests may not tell you to your face in order to spare your feelings, here we have no dog in this fight (we don't know you) and can be frank and honest and tell you what most of your guests are thinking but won't say.

MNVegas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_asking-for-money-instead-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3d098897-ff8c-43ed-95e3-3ea882ae4bdcPost:916dfef7-ceeb-448d-87c0-96c6ed502244">Re: Asking for money instead of gifts??</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with mckemowse - our honeymoon registry is for the full amount of the gift and we intend to use if for the items purchased. Just like you intend to use the pans your aunt gives you. We had a lot of fun creating the registry and finding unique ideas. My FI was way more into this than our Macy's registry. Some of you go crazy on these boards about HMR, what gives. <strong> I noticed that MNVegas posts on nearly every mention of these. And, you got married like three years ago. </strong> <strong>What happened on your honeymoon to taint you so?</strong>
Posted by brookethebride1[/QUOTE]

Honey, get over yourself. I am NOT the only one on these boards who constantly posts about the rudeness of HM/cash registries They are rude! You can delude yourself into thinking they are not but you are so, so wrong. If you don't think people cringe when they hear about your HM registry, you are deluding yourself about that also. How's that for a tirade?
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</div><div>I was married two years ago and I have every right to continue to post on these boards and give advice just like anyone else. When I see someone about to make a huge etiquette blunder and embarass themselves, I try to advise them against it.</div><div>
</div><div>BTW, regarding your snide comment about our HM, we had a wonderful HM and we paid for everything ourselves. We did not have to deceive or beg people to pay for our HM, nor did we have a sense of entitlement that people should pay for our HM for us. </div><div>
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Leenie10 · June 2012

Hi ~ I noticed on another posting related to registries that someone thought it was okay to "register" for something large like a couch, even if no one would buy them the whole couch, but could contribute in increments toward the purchase of the couch with gift cards or the like. That seems the same as asking for money to me, but maybe others feel it is acceptable because it is on a gift registry vs. a travel registry.

Leenie10 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_asking-for-money-instead-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:3d098897-ff8c-43ed-95e3-3ea882ae4bdcPost:5d546c30-809c-457d-be31-ac9cfcfde7e8">Re: Asking for money instead of gifts??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for money instead of gifts?? : Actually, registering for something large like a couch is so that guests know you are wanting it. They can go in as a group and buy it, decide to give you cash instead (see how it's still not you ASKING for cash?) to help you get it, or pick something else in a price range they are more comfortable with. Also, it's pretty well understood, at least in my circle, that couples put things like that on their registry so that they can get the completion discount on it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Ah, I see. My friends and I have been to many weddings combined (albeit most of them have been in this area) but have never seen something like that on a wedding registry. Thanks for the info.

artbyallie · June 2012

mckem, it's great that your HM registry works differently from every other one out there. Really. It's refreshing to know that there is one in existence that actually directly results in the dinners/excursions. But all the other HMRs are third-party companies that just write the bride and groom a check after taking a percentage for themselves.

And I still slightly side-eye asking people to pay even partially for a vacation, especially one that is, frankly, intended/viewed as a sexfest.

Simply Fated · June 2012

Honeyfund is the only general registry that doesn't charge, BUT the site uses Paypal, which has some fees. My friends and family LOVE to travel, but if I asked them to pay for my vacation, they'd laugh in my face and tell me to pay for it myself. A vacation is a luxury and not something I can use in my home. As it is, my family is even conservative with regular, store registries.

MangoSong · June 2012

I would NOT set up a honeymoon registry. It's distasteful and rude. You're going to get cash anyway, so save that. Either don't do a registry or do a small one.

HannahDerek · June 2012

You can register at a travel agent...if you want money for honeymoon. Ive seen a lot of people do it.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_asking-for-money-instead-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:3d098897-ff8c-43ed-95e3-3ea882ae4bdcPost:977a7893-160e-40dd-94a7-b86977006bb9">Re: Asking for money instead of gifts??</a>:
[QUOTE]You can register at a travel agent...if you want money for honeymoon. Ive seen a lot of people do it.
Posted by HannahDerek[/QUOTE]

Just because people do it does not magically make it not rude.

hoffse · June 2012

For me, it's the vacation aspect of it - as a guest I'd rather get you something more traditional that you will continue to use, not an experience that will be over in a few hours. I know others are not like this, but that's what you can use cash gifts for. I roll my eyes when I see a HM registry, though I don't get grossly offended or anything. I just think they're sort of tacky. If I can't afford a vacation, I'm not really inclined to pay for yours, no matter HOW the payment occurs.

The other problem is that a lot of third party HM companies DO take out a charge like PPs mentioned, and I've seen couples set up everything from their flights to their hotel rooms on these sites. How are you supposed to book a flight when the HM registry doesn't close until your wedding day, if you're leaving right after? I have less of a problem with Sandal's registries because I know they give the actual gift to the couple, and I have even less of a problem when the couple hasn't registered for their hotel room or whatever. But ultimately, I still find it sort of distasteful that the bride and groom are basically advertising exactly what they plan to do on their sexfest vaca. If I wanted to know, I would have asked, KWIM? Registering for a couples massage or that dinner on the beach just sort of makes me shudder, because I can infer what would have happened right before/right after. A lot of it also seems really cliched, but I guess I'm just not a dinner on the beach kind of a girl. I'm more of a take me to an art museum and let me sketch type of girl.

NovaMetzler · June 2012

I see both sides on this one. My fiance and I don't want to register because we feel it is childish and selfish to make a wishlist (I haven't made a wish list since I was a child). We are asking people to our wedding because we want them to share in our special day, not drain their wallets. I don't think it is classy to outright ask for money, but our family and friends know us as people. They know we are not materialistic people, nor are we selfish and greedy. We really badly want to visit his mother, plane tickets are $1000 each, we cannot afford this. I don't think that my family and friends would cringe and think we are rude for wanting to make a meaningful trip rather than ask for a bunch of stuff we already have. I think that it is up to the couple 100% to decide what is right for them.

Aly0803 · April 2013

If your friends and family are finding it rude for you to ask for help , you need new friends and family members.

Asking for money instead of gifts??

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