Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?

KatyBug513 · October 2010

My boyfriend is currently in Afghanistan until the end of this month, (YAYY) and then goes back to where he's stationed which is in Italy. He's going to be there until 2014, he re-enlisted to stay with his unit because he loves those guys and it's one of the best.

My question is, has anyone just done the legal thing, went and signed the papers, gotten "married" but didn't have the wedding till later? That isn't exactly how I have wanted to do it, it's not what I ideally have thought of all these years growing up when I think about weddings, lol, but to be able to move over there with him and it not cost thousands of dollars we have to get married and I don't want to throw together a wedding quickly, so he suggested doing that. And we would just not wear our rings till we have our actual wedding.

Anyone dealt with this before? Thoughts?

ScissortailFlycatcher · October 2010

Yes. I will be doing that. I am already married to my H. And we will be planning a ceremony sometime in the future.

If you have reasons not to wait, then go for it. But don't lie to your family and act as if you're not married. That isn't cool. And the other ladies will know better, but I think being married doesn't automatically approve you to go on his orders. My H knew someone in tech school who's wife wasn't approved to go his overseas station.

We did a JOP and sent out nice announcments saying we were planning a formal ceremony later. His family is strongly Catholic and several don't view us as married since it wasn't done in the church. This ceremony for us will be a vow renewal, but for others it will seem like a wedding.

ETA: I just realized you said boyfriend, are you engaged yet? I know being apart is hard, but don't rush if you aren't even at a place to think about marriage.

calindi · October 2010

This is controversial, but quite common.

I won't pass judgement on whether or not it's a good idea, but I will offer one piece of advice: don't pretend you're not married if you actually are. Wear the rings, call him your husband, be up front about your plans and your reasons for doing it. If you get married and are waiting to have the wedding (which will then be technically a 'vow renewal' as you will have already exchanged vows when you got married originally) don't pretend you're just engaged - your family and friends will likely understand, but they'll be pissed to find out later that you were married the whole time and pretended you weren't. Being up front will serve you better - some people will judge either way, but it looks a lot better on you both to be honest about it rather than deceive those closest to you.

Oh, and lied - one more piece of advice: don't get married to move with him. It's a lousy reason. If you wouldn't be ready to have a traditional wedding ceremony and reception say, next month (minus all the planning, obviously), then don't rush into getting married by a JOP just so you can live with him. My boyfriend moved across the country for law school - the Marines paid for his relocation costs since he's a JAG contract (translation: will be a lawyer for the Marines) and if we were married, they would have paid for mine, too. We weren't quite ready to get married, though we know we want to someday, so I paid for my own move. Financial reasons are not a good reason to get married. But if you're ready to get married anyway and just can't plan the wedding you want with the time constraints, then that's your choice.

You'll likely get backlash from some on these boards who feel you only are entitled to get married once (JOP or traditional wedding) and anything else is greedy, but I personally believe to each their own.

elfitche · October 2010

We are actually doing this. We are getting legally married a week from sunday at our duty station (AK) and then on our one year anniversary we are having a big white "wedding" with our families, and having a destination wedding!

We were up front with the people important to us, and anyone who asks. Our families have been very supportive in telling us that they agree, love us, support us and know that we are doing what is best for us! It is very comforting.

I would say definitely don't deny it or hide it because it is only going to leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth when they find out later. And if later happens to be before the big white wedding, then that may hinder their attendance. By being upfront with our families, everyone is just as excited to be a part of the destination wedding as they were if it were the real deal!!

elfitche · October 2010

Oh, and one more thing, I agree with Calindi, do not get married just to move with him! Make sure you are ready and doing it for the right reasons. My fiance was stationed in VA when we met, and got orders to Alaska, we were not ready to get married, so I found a job and moved myself to Alaska. Things have been great, and 2 years after moving to Alaska we are ready to get married. WE are doing the JOP because we are so excited to be married but financially we can't afford a big wedding so quickly. Plus my family is in VA and his is in IA, so doing it this way is what works for us!

KatyBug513 · October 2010

Okay, I guess I probably worded that wrong, I wasn't ever going to lie to my family or his. His sister did the same thing wtih her husband, they went and did the legal thing before they had their destination wedding in Mexico after they had time to plan/save money and everything.

I wouldn't lie to my family, my family would most certainly know. And the whole not wearing my rings, IDK I guess I'm in disagreement, maybe when we do it, I'll change my mind and want to wear my wedding band with my engagement ring but I just kind of wanted to wait and only wear my engagement ring until the "big white wedding," lol. But, I'm sure once I'm there and we get married I'll want to wear it and show it off and tell everyone, haha.

I'm not planning on marrying him just to get to Italy or because of financial reasons. I'd spend any amount of money possible to move to Italy if I had to do it just to be with him while he's over there. This isn't something we're planning on doing anytime soon, he's still deployed and I have a few months left before I even see him again, I informed him I wanted to come over to Italy next year and spend the amount of time a tourist can (90 days) and come back, do that a few times, before we up and decide to get married. I'm not moving into anything quickly but I feel like when you know, you know, he's been one of my friends for 4 years and just one day, we I guess, saw each other differently, well, it took me saying I've always had a crush on him to actually move things in that direction because he's so damn shy, lol.

But, yeah, this isn't anything that's going to happen anytime soon, I just wanted to see if anyone else had done it or their thoughts on it. I know he's talked to his guys over there about it because a few of them are married and their wives live in Italy with them currently, well, alone now that they're deployed but you know what I mean. So, he's been asking questions and trying to get advice. He just wants me as close as possible but I've informed him I'm not jumping into anything quickly just so he can get me over there. I'm fine with flying over there as much as possible before making any brash decisions.

Thank you girls for the advice though! It means a lot! I don't really have any girl friends around here that are military girlfriends/wives so I don't have anyone to really talk to with that point of view.

amaeby924 · October 2010

I actually did do this. We let our parents know, but we are still having our wedding ceremony in May when he comes home from Afghanistan. While our parents and closest friends know that we are married, our extended families and friends do not. We felt that we weren't really married until we exchanged vows in front of our families and friends, and it wouldn't be "official" until they witnessed it. So, while we really haven't been pretending that we aren't married per se, we don't go shout it off the roof top. It's our business and not really anyone else's.
It was probably the best thing we did for ourselves, I am currently living with my parents while he is in Afghanistan and we are saving a TON of money to put down on a house. While it might seem a little awkward, if you know that he is the "one" and you are planning to be wed anyway, I don't see the harm in going through the "technicality" of being legally married before you have the wedding. I don't think it's sneaky or wrong, I actually think it's the smarter thing to do. Just make sure you do what is best for you and your situation, and don't just agree to get legally married for the wrong reasons. There are a TON of those horror stories in the military world, and it pays to be cautious and sure of very big step you are making. My advice would just be to think it through and be sure!!

Best of luck!!

SuRfGrl81 · October 2010

I just did this....my husband and I got married in Aug.. We decided not to tell anyone because we didn't want them to feel obligated to fly in twice when the "legal marriage" was just that to make it legal....so the only people that know are my cousin who was our witness and he told one of his cousins.

Our wedding ceremony is in Jan. and the only difference will be that no one signs a marriage license since we're already "married" which isn't that big of a deal anyway.

We mainly did it so we could start getting Military benefits.....we're paying for the wedding ourselves so the extra money helps!

Plus there is a chance he could get deployed and he wants to make sure I'm taken care of if that does happen!

I wish you good luck with your situation!

Just remember to do what makes you 2 happy!

calindi · October 2010

Girls, just FYI, the "legal marriage" is your wedding. The other is a vow renewal or a religious ceremony to see you wed 'in the eyes of God' - but I personally don't care if you also call that a wedding, but it doesn't make the "legal marriage" less of a wedding. Sure, there's legally married and religiously married, but many girls who only ever had a JOP wedding get really insulted by these types of comments.

And if I was invited to a wedding and found out the couple was already married and letting people think they weren't (lying by omission is still lying, folks) then I would be pretty annoyed and thinking they were just being gift-grabby. When you say it's no one's business but your own, then why bother having a wedding at all? Just be secretly married your whole life. They're coming to your wedding to celebrate your marriage - it kinda is their business. Most people will understand the truth, that you can't (for a variety of reasons) have a big wedding right away, but your vow renewal/wedding will be just as exciting for them to share your joy of your new marriage.

Back to the OP, with your clarification, I think all my concerns are alleviated. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, aren't rushing into anything, and are doing it all for the right reasons. Congrats!

calindi · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_anyone-gotten-legally-married-before-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:897ecc8f-0caa-461a-b65a-a83e5b08d7fcPost:89d7d296-a37c-46e0-89b4-b57031a1d2e1">Re: Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just did this....my husband and I got married in Aug.. We decided not to tell anyone because we didn't want them to feel obligated to fly in twice when the <strong>"legal marriage" was just that to make it legal</strong>....so the only people that know are my cousin who was our witness and he told one of his cousins. Our wedding ceremony is in Jan. and the only difference will be that no one signs a marriage license since <strong>we're already "married" which isn't that big of a deal anyway</strong>.

<strong>We mainly did it so we could start getting Military benefits.....we're paying for the wedding ourselves so the extra money helps! :)</strong> Plus there is a chance he could get deployed and he wants to make sure I'm taken care of if that does happen! I wish you good luck with your situation! :) Just remember to do what makes you 2 happy!
Posted by SuRfGrl81[/QUOTE]

SurfGrl, I'm betting you're 18 years old. This is so full of WRONG that I want to shake you silly.

First, marriage IS a legal institution. You want a religious institution? Get married in a Church, not by a JOP. You're insulting every bride that had a JOP wedding by insinuating that it's less than your pretty princess day because it's "just legal". I don't oppose having a JOP wedding and then a nice vow renewal in situations like the OP, but in your case where you're doing it for the money and potential life insurance, I judge you pretty severely.

And when you say signing the marriage certificate "isn't that big of a deal" you are ridiculous - then what's important? The white dress? The cake? The video of you sobbing prettily into your ivory rose bouquet while saying the vows you wrote? What's the big deal here if NOT getting married to this man? Your priorities are majorly screwed up.

And if that weren't ENOUGH, you go on to say you're ONLY doing the JOP so you can get military benefits to pay for your wedding - have the wedding you can afford, for crying out loud! Or get a second job.

SuRfGrl81 · October 2010

calindi do you just go around bashing people's comments on here or do you actually have a life cause I"m betting you don't. First of all who the hell are you to judge someone you DO NOT know huh? I am 29 years old not 18 like you claim I am. I am no religious so having a church wedding is NOT on my list of priorities so there goes another one of your claims. I could give a rats ass about his life insurance and even told him to keep his parents on it and not me.....we've known eachother for 10 years and have been datng for 7 of those years and just wanted to make it official so you need to stop judging me RIGHT NOW. I have already reported you for your actions....you need to grow up little girl.

calindi · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_anyone-gotten-legally-married-before-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:897ecc8f-0caa-461a-b65a-a83e5b08d7fcPost:d9dd3ba1-b531-425f-9d12-396236f34fd6">Re: Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]calindi do you just go around bashing people's comments on here or do you actually have a life cause I"m betting you don't. First of all who the hell are you to judge someone you DO NOT know huh? I am 29 years old not 18 like you claim I am. I am no religious so having a church wedding is NOT on my list of priorities so there goes another one of your claims. I could give a rats ass about his life insurance and even told him to keep his parents on it and not me.....we've known eachother for 10 years and have been datng for 7 of those years and just wanted to make it official so you need to stop judging me RIGHT NOW. I have already reported you for your actions....you need to grow up little girl.
Posted by SuRfGrl81[/QUOTE]

Haha... okay, a 29 year old with screwy priorities.

You reported me? That's funny. For what? Have you read the site policies - which one have I violated? I just read what you wrote and stated my opinion on your motivations based on your own words - did you want to come on a site and be worshiped for everything you said? You're totally going to get along SO WELL on here *sarcasm*

If you're not having a church wedding, then all the MORE reason it's ridiculous that you said signing the wedding certificate is "not a big deal" - that IS the deal! So your "wedding" will just be a party you wear a white dress to, then, since you don't care about being married "in the eyes of God" then you'll already be married - there are girls on these boards (not me, I'm athiest) who believe they aren't truly married until a Church wedding, so I can understand why a JOP wedding isn't "enough" for them. But for someone who isn't religious, there's nothing else to do after a JOP! So yes, being legally married kind of IS the big deal!

I've been on this site for over 8 months and have over 2000 posts (my old screen name got deleted, thus only 300 on this one). And for what it's worth, my comments are pretty highly regarded on this board typically. So I can't imagine I'm the only one who'll think you're coming off as having a bit skewed priorities, a lousy sense of board etiquette, and a poor attitude.

SuRfGrl81 · October 2010

I'm the one with the poor attitude? You're the one who verbally attacked me and I did take a look at the terms of conditions and it states:

"No harassing, intimidating, stalking, or threatening other community members."

Which is EXACTLY what you are doing to me so just stop it right now.

dixiegal1340 · October 2010

Hey girls! I am in the process of doing this too! It is crazy how many people out there are so ready to bash something they can't understand! There is so much stress and craziness with any marriage... and planning a wedding ,and preparing for marriage while preparing to send your hubby-to-be away is something nobody can understand if they haven't been there.

My fiance and I are "signing the papers" on his pre-deployment leave. (And if you are offended, get over it. I am not belittling those who CHOOSE to have their BIG Day with the JOP .. thats awesome if its what you want! and In its own way... very intimate and romantic. ) We had planned to get married this spring, (He just got back from his last deployment in July), but obviously things changed. His family is all going to fly out here, and we are going to have the dress, the cake, the arch, the church and everything when he gets home! We have told our parents and close friends what the situation is, but that is all. We want the wedding to be the WEDDING.. and whether your sign the document the week of, or 20 minutes after the ceremony... the signingt isn't done during the ceremony. And, the title of the "Wedding" in the case that you have already been married is called "Celebration of Marriage" at least in the Methodist denomination. My soon-to-be husband and I won't be starting our lives together until he gets back. So in all honesty it will be the start of our married life together when he returns.

I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and your wedding! You know in your heart if he is the one, and if he is then go for it! Just make sure you are marrying him for the right reasons!

Sammy0709 · October 2010

This post went crazy. I got legally married to H because we wanted to get married and didn't want a party. Our parents, on the other hand, want the party portion with our families. We told all our families that we are married, I changed my name, etc. Since our parents want the party thing and I feel obligated to humor them being the only child, my parents are throwing us a vow renewal ceremony and reception for our one year anniversary. I think it's better to be honest with people in the beginning. I'm not saying you can't call the second event a wedding. Call it whatever you want to call it.

Surfgrl, you are the one that said you got married by the JOP for benefits and money (that is how it is read at face value). Calindi is just reacting to that comment the same way many military members would. Also, what Calindi did is not harrassing, intimidating, stalking, or threatening by any definition of those words. Buy a dictionary.

KatyBug513 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_anyone-gotten-legally-married-before-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:897ecc8f-0caa-461a-b65a-a83e5b08d7fcPost:d6d4474b-5afe-411c-b874-16d8760415da">Re: Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Girls, just FYI, the "legal marriage" is your wedding. The other is a vow renewal or a religious ceremony to see you wed 'in the eyes of God' - but I personally don't care if you also call that a wedding, but it doesn't make the "legal marriage" less of a wedding. Sure, there's legally married and religiously married, but many girls who only ever had a JOP wedding get really insulted by these types of comments. And if I was invited to a wedding and found out the couple was already married and letting people think they weren't (lying by omission is still lying, folks) then I would be pretty annoyed and thinking they were just being gift-grabby. When you say it's no one's business but your own, then why bother having a wedding at all? Just be secretly married your whole life. They're coming to your wedding to celebrate your marriage - it kinda is their business. Most people will understand the truth, that you can't (for a variety of reasons) have a big wedding right away, but your vow renewal/wedding will be just as exciting for them to share your joy of your new marriage. Back to the OP, with your clarification, I think all my concerns are alleviated. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, aren't rushing into anything, and are doing it all for the right reasons. Congrats!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you for your response! I do not mean to demean anyones wedding, at all! My father got married (the second time) at the JOP and I don't see it as any less than if they had done a huge wedding with the whole family and cake and flowers, etc, haha. </div><div>
</div>

KatyBug513 · October 2010

Also, I apologize for this response evoking any anger in anyone. I knew possibly that people might have strong opinions one way or another about this but I want to reassure that I'm not doing this for the wrong reasons. I was single for 2+ years before AJ and I started dating, I'm the farthest from jumping into anything for the wrong reasons, lol. I have no desire to do it for any other reason besides being completely in love with him and wanting everyone to know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I also, will add, that your post Surfgrl did come across as the only reason you guys got married was for the benefits. I don't care if I ever get a single dime or benefit from marrying my boyfriend, I don't care about any of that, I just want to spend my life with him and be next to him as much as I possibly can. If you didn't mean for it to come across that way, than I am sorry for reading it that way but that's definitely how I took it.

I hear a lot about people getting married super soon in the military and merely for benefits and I just see that as so wrong.

SuRfGrl81 · October 2010

ok you know what all you guys need to stop judging....so what if we got married so if he got deployed I'd be taken care of huh!? The license doesn't make the wedding the experience does so stop acting like I did something so bad! You're acting like we just met and ran to get married so we could get housing! he was already getting housing cause he's an e-6 I'm a vet so don't need the stupid medical, we just wanted to make it official so I could "legally" do stuff paperwork wise if he got deployed and if that's a crime then by golly call up the Secretary of Defense and make a complaint!

I just want to thank you judgemental Miltiary wives for making my theknot.com experience so HORRIBLE! I think I'll stick with another website.

KatyBug513 · October 2010

First off, I'm a military girlfriend, not a wife yet and I told you it's how you came across and if we were wrong in the way we read what you posted to tell us that butttt you haven't.

byoung0520 · October 2010

Katybug, you definitely got a response out of everyone...and as you can see it's all opinions. Do what you want and what makes you happy...as none of these ladies can do it for you. You're a grown girl and I'm sure that you and your bf will make the best decisions for yourselves in regards to your relationship and how you choose to do the marriage/wedding.

Good luck and Best Wishes!

KatyBug513 · October 2010

Thank you byoung!!

byoung0520 · October 2010

You're welcome

)

kyrgyzstan · October 2010

I would never get married to move, or for the benefits, or so that I would be taken care of during a deployment.

Girlfriends/fiancees can get POAs just as much as wives can. I am the sole beneficiary of SO's SGLI. He can put me on the casualty notification list. We live together and he only receives single BAH. The add'l 200 bucks a month to get married is really not worth it to us. We'll get married only because we are a million times sure that we're deeply committed. No other reason. Anyone who gets married for the benefits or to move does sound young to me, no matter how old they actually are.

mysticl · October 2010

I'm just going to throw something out there. Some people do not feel the need for a legal ceremony or a piece of paper to show their commitment to each other. They love each other deeply and fully intend to spend the rest of their lives together. However, to get things like health benefits (not just military), relocation benefits (again not just military), Social Security benefits later on, etc. there needs to be that piece of paper. So the legal wedding ceremony is just for the benefits. It doesn't impact the relationship or signify the making of a commitment because that has already been done. They aren't together for the benefits but that's why they bothered to get the piece of paper.

I know a couple who is fully committed to each other. They wear wedding rings, they consider themselves husband and wife, and their union has been blessed by a priest. It isn't legal. There is no marriage license and their state does not recognize common law marriage. Their relationship wouldn't be diminished in any way if in the future they decided to go to the JOP and get the piece of paper so she could get on his health plan.

KatyBug513 · October 2010

I understand that some military girlfriends have easily made the move without getting married but most of those I've read were just moving to a different state in the U.S. My boyfriend is going to be in Italy till 2014 after he gets back from his deployment in a few months, for four more years, not that this matters because as my second post on this thread stated, I have no desire to get married just to get over there and I have every ounce of waiting in my body till it's right because I'm the farthest from the type of girls that rushes into anything.

mysticl · October 2010

Katy, do what works for you. By reading your posts it sounds like you have a really good plan laid out. However, if you are planning to get married anyhow and have already committed to spending your lives together I see nothing wrong with scheduling the timing of the marriage to make it possible for you to move to Italy with him. People schedule weddings around birthdays, graduations, football games, why not around a move to another country? You aren't getting married to move, you are getting married on a certain date to move. One thing to keep in mind about having the JOP wedding and then the church "wedding" is that the minister may want you to justify your reasons for marrying without a religious blessing in the first place before he/she will consent to perform the service.

KatyBug513 · October 2010

Thank you mysticl! I mean, I haven't even gotten a ring yet so this is all just me thinking out loud and seeing if I could hear from others that have done the same. I just know, we talk non stop about being together forever and it being funny that we were friends for so long and it took us 4 years of being friends to see that we were perfect for each other, haha. I guess it's kind of like the a girls post I've seen where it's like, I'm not engaged yet but all we talk about is, "When we're married," "When you live in Italy," and he's always telling me how he can't wait to make me his wifey

.

I know that it will all happen and fall together in place though when it's time for it to be ready. I'm not rushing anything, I want it to be as perfect as possible.

stophammertime · October 2010

My H and I got married before he left the first time. We didn't really have the money for a big wedding and we were just happy with being able to get married that we decided that a JOP was perfect. I still cried when we said our vows. It wasn't what I had always planned on but it was still absolutely perfect because I was there with him. When he came back from deployment he saw me helping my friends plan their wedding and could tell it was something I still really wanted so he said that since we had extra money now that I could plan the wedding I always wanted. We are having our vowel renewal/ceremony on December 11th. I'm just happy that we will have these memories and pictures to share with our children and grandchildren one day.

And don't worry! It will be perfect no matter what you do! Hearing him say those vows to you and you saying them to him is what makes it perfect.

aemahm · October 2010

My husband will be deployed in Afghanistan in November so we 'signed' the wedding papers last July and are planning the church ceremony and reception with family and friends next september after he comes back. There's nothing wrong in doing that as long as you're doing it for the right reasons. Right now I only wear my engagement ring because we haven't bought the wedding bands yet

LuluP82 · October 2010

We did this too. We had planned our wedding for November, and got engaged in May. We decided for several logistical reasons it made sense to get married earlier, but wanted to keep the original plans. So we got married in late May (everyone knows) and we're still having our religious ceremony and reception in November.

We didn't send announcements or anything ,but everyone knows. I don't wear a wedding band because we just ordered them for the ceremony in May.

KatyBug513 · October 2010

Thanks for the advice and input ladies! It all helps a lot!!

Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?

Re: Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?

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