question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore

sevatipari · July 2010

we're having issues with my MOH and her husband who's a GM. we used to be best friends (they're how groom and I met) but now they seem to think they're better than we are and have no time to hang out. I think they're jealous we're in a better financial situation than they are which is their own fault but idk for sure and that's not my business. my MOH will hang out with just me and GM will hang out with both me and groom but MOH refuses to hang out with us if groom is there. Plus groom has issues with GM (they used to be best friends) cause GM said he was in love with me (I nipped that in the butt real quick).

I'm thinking of asking them to step down as members of the bridal party. How do I do that without completely distroying the friendship? Their son is our GodSon and ringbearer and I would like to be able to keep a relationship with him (he's 5 and we love him to death). I'd also like to keep him as the ringbearer but understand if they don't want him to be.

pooh8402 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:21721319-2355-4666-b459-8273c36e9fa8">question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]we're having issues with my MOH and her husband who's a GM. we used to be best friends (they're how groom and I met) but now they seem to think they're better than we are and have no time to hang out. I think they're jealous we're in a better financial situation than they are which is their own fault but idk for sure and that's not my business. my MOH will hang out with just me and GM will hang out with both me and groom but MOH refuses to hang out with us if groom is there. Plus groom has issues with GM (they used to be best friends) cause GM said he was in love with me <strong>(I nipped that in the butt real quick</strong>). I'm thinking of asking them to step down as members of the bridal party. How do I do that without completely distroying the friendship? Their son is our GodSon and ringbearer and I would like to be able to keep a relationship with him (he's 5 and we love him to death). I'd also like to keep him as the ringbearer but understand if they don't want him to be.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]
naughty.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:21721319-2355-4666-b459-8273c36e9fa8">question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]we're having issues with my MOH and her husband who's a GM. we used to be best friends (they're how groom and I met) but now they seem to think they're better than we are and have no time to hang out. I think they're jealous we're in a better financial situation than they are which is their own fault but idk for sure and that's not my business. my MOH will hang out with just me and GM will hang out with both me and groom but MOH refuses to hang out with us if groom is there. Plus groom has issues with GM (they used to be best friends) cause GM said he was in love with me (I nipped that in the butt real quick). I'm thinking of asking them to step down as members of the bridal party. <strong>How do I do that without completely distroying the friendship? </strong> Their son is our GodSon and ringbearer and I would like to be able to keep a relationship with him (he's 5 and we love him to death). I'd also like to keep him as the ringbearer but understand if they don't want him to be.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]

There isn't a way to do that.
Especially if you want to keep their son in the party.
"Sorry guys, we decided we want you out of the wedding party. Oh, but your son can stay..."
See? Doesn't sound good.

I would try talking to them, you with the MOH and he with the GM and see what's up. There is a chance they are just sick of wedding talk, honestly.

alexlad · July 2010

well all i can tell you is my experience. I had a bridesmaid which i had been close to for a long time who turned into a total butt and I basically could not stand her anymore. It was one of those things that had to be done. I wrote a nice letter telling her that fi and I had talked about and had just decided that we would like her to come to the wedding but were no longer comfortable with her being in it because we had drifted so far apart. I also apologized profusely for asking her in the first place and then changing my mind(took the blame etc.)

needless to say we no longer ever talk which for me is fine because I did't want her in my life anyway..but for you...

i don't think that I would do this...if you do it will ruin the friendship. It sounds as though you want to keep the friendship.

If you don't care about the friendships..go for it

tldh · July 2010

Not to be flip here but this sounds like the intro to a Jerry Springer episode. MOH's husband told you that he was in love with you. Now MOH doesn't want to be in the same room with your FI who also has a problem with her husband. Did I get this all correct?

Why doesn't she want to be around your FI?

damaless · July 2010

On the WP board I am pretty sure that one of the few accepted reasons for kicking someone out of the wedding party is trying to get with the bride or the groom. Does professing his undying love for you count along those lines? I think so, and I totally understand why your FI is angry with him.

Oh, but it still will destroy the friendship, probably. I'm not sure why it's still intact considering what happened already.

sevatipari · July 2010

He and GM had worked it out and come to an agreement that he and I couldn't hang out unless Groom was there. Which I have no problems with. They tried to get me to come to their apartment to talk wedding stuff (GM had issues with the dresses I picked out I told him he had no say since he wasn't wearing them). She asked Groom if he trusted her not to let anything happen. And he told her truthfully "you're a wonderful person but when it comes to your husband you bow down to him and let him do what he wants." Which she does...she didn't like someone being honest with her (she basically just wants a friend to lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear apparently) called him an ass and refused to talk to him since except when she texted him to find out if GM was with us cause he and I didn't answer phone during movie in the movie theater.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:00db37d0-2a73-416c-8715-eb920d089e7e">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]On the WP board I am pretty sure that one of the few accepted reasons for kicking someone out of the wedding party is trying to get with the bride or the groom. Does professing his undying love for you count along those lines? I think so, and I totally understand why your FI is angry with him. Oh, but it still will destroy the friendship, probably. I'm not sure why it's still intact considering what happened already.
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]
Forget the friendship being intact... how is the MOH and GM's marriage still intact?
Imagine being a MOH and your husband, a groomsman, professes his love for the bride?

hcbrowne · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:e61cee12-6a1d-4896-9a8a-ea4ae5b076c5">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]He and GM had worked it out and come to an agreement that he and I couldn't hang out unless Groom was there. Which I have no problems with. They tried to get me to come to their apartment to talk wedding stuff (GM had issues with the dresses I picked out I told him he had no say since he wasn't wearing them). She asked Groom if he trusted her not to let anything happen. And he told her truthfully "you're a wonderful person but when it comes to your husband you bow down to him and let him do what he wants." Which she does...she didn't like someone being honest with her (she basically just wants a friend to lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear apparently) called him an ass and refused to talk to him since except when she texted him to find out if GM was with us cause he and I didn't answer phone during movie in the movie theater.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]

I had to read this a cpl times to understand what you were trying to say. It sounds like your friend's husband is a very controlling guy who thinks its ok/acceptable to be with more than one woman b/c he is a "man." If I were you...I'd do my best to part ways; you most likely will not be able to maintain this friendship wedding or no wedding.

sevatipari · July 2010

I could care less about the friendships I just wanna part ways civilly enough to still be a part of my godson's life...my FI feels the same...that's the only reason we're trying to remain friends.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:b77a2929-cf00-4c0d-b78c-9d72c04a00ea">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I could care less about the friendships I just wanna part ways civilly enough to still be a part of my godson's life...my FI feels the same...that's the only reason we're trying to remain friends.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]
There is really no way to part ways with your friends and still remain close to their child. This child is theirs and he goes where they go, ya know?

tldh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:b77a2929-cf00-4c0d-b78c-9d72c04a00ea">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I could care less about the friendships I just wanna part ways civilly enough to still be a part of my godson's life...my FI feels the same...that's the only reason we're trying to remain friends.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]

I don't see how this is going to be possible.

tldh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:e61cee12-6a1d-4896-9a8a-ea4ae5b076c5">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]He and GM had worked it out and come to an agreement that he and I couldn't hang out unless Groom was there. Which I have no problems with. They tried to get me to come to their apartment to talk wedding stuff (GM had issues with the dresses I picked out I told him he had no say since he wasn't wearing them). She asked Groom if he trusted her not to let anything happen. And he told her truthfully "you're a wonderful person but when it comes to your husband you bow down to him and let him do what he wants." Which she does...she didn't like someone being honest with her (she basically just wants a friend to lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear apparently) called him an ass and refused to talk to him since except when she texted him to find out if GM was with us cause he and I didn't answer phone during movie in the movie theater.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]

mags0607 · July 2010

I think if you really want to remain in your Godson's life, then you can't kick them out. I would just try and talk to your MOH about the friendship and the problems she has with your fiance. See if you can resolve it on a friend level, not a BM/Bride level.

If it really means a lot for you to have your godson in your wedding, and you want to have a relationship with him after the wedding, then you just need to involve them as little as possible about the wedding, and just expect them to show up. Try and remove yourself from the drama, and keep your distance from the GM, because nothing good can come of that.

golden1215 · July 2010

The question you need to answer, not have us answer, is:

Is godson important enough to put up w/ shitty BM & GM through my wedding or not?

Like others said, you cant have him and not his parents.

sevatipari · July 2010

We just wanna be able to see him on his birthdays or on christmas or at least be able to send him a card and let him know we still love him and know they'll at least give him the card.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:31a4f16e-b52b-428c-89b8-9c379084dcaf">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]We just wanna be able to see him on his birthdays or on christmas or at least be able to send him a card and let him know we still love him and know they'll at least give him the card.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]
I understand that, but this isn't like a custody issue.
Of course you want to see him, that is completely understandable.
You want advice on the best way to part ways with his parents and we're trying to tell you that it's like trying to stop the high tide or the Earth from revolving around the sun. There is no way to do this.

You can try this:
"Fiance and I have discussed this matter and have decided that we think it would be best if we all went our seperate ways. We would appreciate it if you would let us continue to see your son and let him continue to receive cards from us. Although we no longer would like either of you to be in our wedding party, we would still like your son to continue to be our ring bearer."

That's all I got, sorry. :)

ETA:
grammar suckage, I tried to fix it.

sevatipari · July 2010

I'll try it...thanks...*sighs depressed* I hate losing friends...I have so few of them to begin with...

andy71781 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:7edae277-2cee-4663-8090-eecdb9b93dd5">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll try it...thanks...*sighs depressed* I hate losing friends...I have so few of them to begin with...
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]
Somehow I doubt that you'll miss the drama from these two!

blackfire5th · July 2010

I vote MOH dumps her douche DH, then he is out of all of your lives and you can still be friends with MOH, see your godson, and no longer deal with creep gm. Problem solved!

emeraldeyez5191 · July 2010

In my opinion, I think no matter which way you do it, they will be insulted. Unless they are really cool and laid back. I would just try and bite the bullet till after the wedding. Or if you are really unhappy, you can def have a sit down with just your friend and explain your worries to her. A true friend would make an effort to change for just the few hours needed to have a smooth day! You may also check with the fiancee to see what they say. Maybe you both can have a sit down with them and tell them how you feel. I JUST acutally dealt with this about 3-4 months ago. Thankfully for me, it was a significant other of a family member, and they just broke up. (AND by thankfully, I meant I didnt have to deal with the situation for the wedding. THEIR situation is very sad). Good Luck!

skippylouwho · July 2010

Most people nip things in the bud, but if nipping it in the butt works for you - go for it.
Sorry, I couldn't help it and I know it's not giving you any useful advice.

KellyLovesJames · July 2010

Wow... and I thought I had BM issues.

Sounds like this BM just has *issues*.

Good Luck!

vegasgroom · July 2010

Kids are more perceptive than they're given credit for; why is this kid going to want to hang out with people who dislike his parents?

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:26608101-d3ef-44e6-9354-723db977c856">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]Kids are more perceptive than they're given credit for; why is this kid going to want to hang out with people who dislike his parents?
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]
He isn't going to want to. I was in a similar situation when I was little and I couldn't bring myself to be kind to her. Didn't matter whose fault it was, my loyalty was with my parents.

sevatipari · July 2010

We don't dislike his parents we're just tired of being taken advantage of and not getting anything in return. I would like to fix the friendship but every effort I make is shot down by the MOH unless it's wedding related. And she's not even trying to find good excuses anymore she just dodges the question about making plans and comes up with new ones. Like the fact I'm off this sunday but work next saturday night (which is "nephews" birthday) I asked if we could all hang out this sunday for his birthday and she was like "why don't you just come over after you get off work on his actual birthday?" Cause your child is going to be 5 which means he goes to bed at 9pm (at the latest), I don't get off of work till 11 go in at noon and you live too far out to go out there and spend a decent amount of time with him before work. Why can't we just hang out on sunday? I don't mean go spend money just take him to the park to play with my puppy and be able to give him his present.

I don't wanna lose my friends I just can't be in their life constantly anymore cause we're going in seperate directions. I love them to death they're like my "big bro" and "lil sis" (he's 6 months older than me she's 6 months younger). I just can't take the drama anymore. They've fallen away to the point their not right to be a MOH or a GM.

damaless · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:1faa53df-c33e-455b-9dcb-831905fe9ea2">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I love them to death they're like my "big bro" and "lil sis"
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]

Pro tip: "big bro" doesn't think of you as a sister. It's creepy.

sevatipari · July 2010

yeah I know but that's how I've always seen him. he was a better big bro than my own till he pulled this. I don't even think he's really in love with me I think it was he wanted me cause I would be the ultimate conquest cause I was his best friends girl and he was married. I will never understand men or attempt to. Luckily fiance's a lil simpler. Give him food and he's pretty much a happy camper.

damaless · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-asking-members-of-wedding-party-not-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ef7d1158-7d4a-4c94-b2cb-8ffc2a506775Post:6b2a6f1f-ef52-439e-b04b-9d4a31554ad5">Re: question about asking members of the wedding party not to be in it anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't even think he's really in love with me I think it was he wanted me cause I would be the ultimate conquest cause I was his best friends girl and he was married.
Posted by sevatipari[/QUOTE]

How is this better?? How are you possibly willing to stay friends with this person? He obviously has no respect for his wife, or your husband, or you!

sevatipari · July 2010

Because I love his son and don't wanna punish the son for the sins of the father

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