Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!

aburnell · September 2012

I have a tricky situation and I don't know how to handle it.

My mom's friend, husband and 19 year old daughter were invited to my wedding. This is an adult only reception and only guests 21 and up can bring a guest. She never RSVP'd, so my mom called her and left a message.

She responded on facebook and said she and her daughter will be there, but her husband cannot come, so they are bringing the daughter's boyfriend in his place.

My mom doesn't understand why I'm upset about this. The boyfriend wasn't invited. I don't know him and, again, no other guests under 21 can bring a guest.

My mom said you can't say "no" because then none of them will come and it will ruin their friendship. Besides, she says, it's not like it's changing the total number of guests coming.

How do I handle this? I need a polite way to say that I would still like the two of them to come, but unfortunately, the boyfriend cannot. I know I already made her upset once when I had to politely tell her at a party we were at last year that her other daughter (whom I don't know well and is 13) would not be on the guest list.

Am I being irrational? I need some help.

HockeyFan4 · September 2012

let her bring her boyfriend. Most people will tell you that anyone 18 & over should be allowed to bring their significant other. At 18 you are an adult and you shouldn't separate social units.

Loopyseven · September 2012

I agree with Hockey. Anyone over 18 who is in a relationship really needs to be treated as a social unit. THe best thing for you to do here is allow the bf to come. And as you said, it doesn't change your overall numbers.

kaos16 · September 2012

I could understand how the family might be upset that one daughter was invited and not the other, but that ship has sailed. I don't think that the substitution of the boyfriend for the dad is a big deal. As PPs have said, your numbers will still be the same. Perhaps this is one of those things that you should just let go. This substitution likely won't have any effect on your wedding, which I'm sure will be awesome

lyndausvi · September 2012

A 19 year old can die for our country, vote and sign a legal document. They are an adult.

Just saying.

I say keep him. They didn't add a guest, they substituted a guest. Your numbers are the same. I just don't feel like this is a hill worth dying on.

J&K10910 · September 2012

At least they didn't try to substitute their 13 year old daughter.

I agree with the others. Yes, adding guests all willy nilly sucks, but it sounds like this is someone that should have been included in the first place. Roll with it. In fact, if it were me, I'd call them personally and apologize for not inviting him in the first place and tell them that of course he was welcome.

aburnell · September 2012

Ok. I get it. I will let it slide and not flip out.

I think I got worked up a bit because this particular person does this sort of thing all the time... never follows the rules.

And just to clarify to not make it sound like I'm being a complete B... We only allowed 21 and over to bring a guest and that was a family deciion to help limit the guest list. With a limited budget and our guest list growing to over 350 people, we all agreed as a family (his and mine) that that was appropriate.

I know an 18 year old is officially an adult... but it's hard when there's a bar tab to pay for

Thanks all for calming me down and helping me let it slide.

J&K10910 · September 2012

But that's the thing. This person is not a guest. He is a significant other.

When I was 19, I was dating my now husband. I knew I was going to marry him. He was not a "guest" to me. He was a significant other.

sbc2013 · September 2012

Please don't listen to NYU. This situation allows you to substitute a guest, without adding to your numbers, AND you get to make your guests more comfortable. You already said you get it and will let him come, so I'm not trying to harp on you, just don't want you to change your mind based on NYU's bad advice. You are being a gracious host by allowing the boyfriend to come, so kudos to you for that.

Also, does your venue charge the bar package for each adult guest, or each guest that is at least 21? Maybe you could mention to them that the substituted guest is under 21 and they won't charge you for an alcoholic package.

loca4pook · September 2012

I would agree with your mom. Let it go. It doesn't change your numbers and would just lead to a fight. Again, she is over 18 and in a relationship

p.s. does yout venue have discounts for "unde 21". I know mine does. did you ask?

lyndausvi · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-adding-to-the-guest-list-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fa478b6-c0ec-4a5d-8c3d-f1290a975d5fPost:d4895bd2-80ad-44ea-bd1e-5500369ffd32">Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok. I get it. I will let it slide and not flip out. I think I got worked up a bit because this particular person does this sort of thing all the time... never follows the rules. And just to clarify to not make it sound like I'm being a complete B... We only allowed 21 and over to bring a guest and that was a family deciion to help limit the guest list. With a limited budget and our guest list growing to over 350 people, we all agreed as a family (his and mine) that that was appropriate. I know an 18 year old is officially an adult... but it's hard when there's a bar tab to pay for ;) Thanks all for calming me down and helping me let it slide.
Posted by aburnell[/QUOTE]

<div>FWIW - my family did something similar when I was younger. It was a 'rule' for so long not one of us even questioned it. </div><div>
</div><div>Just because we did it for family, didn't mean we did the same for non-family. </div><div>
</div><div>Not only that, it's very unlikely your/his family is going to go around questioning every guest their age and relationship with their date to get to scoop if they were treated the same. KWIM?</div>

bearcatchick · September 2012

Ultimately it is your wedding and if that was a rule that was set in place then that is the way it is going to be. If you don't want the boyfriend to come then you need to tell them that no one under 21 is allowed to bring a guest and that if you let one person than you'll have to let others.

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-adding-to-the-guest-list-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fa478b6-c0ec-4a5d-8c3d-f1290a975d5fPost:eb4c49f0-3002-402b-bb31-d448c710cdc1">Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a tricky situation and I don't know how to handle it. My mom's friend, husband and 19 year old daughter were invited to my wedding. This is an adult only reception and only guests 21 and up can bring a guest. She never RSVP'd, so my mom called her and left a message. She responded on facebook and said she and her daughter will be there, but her husband cannot come, so they are bringing the daughter's boyfriend in his place. My mom doesn't understand why I'm upset about this. The boyfriend wasn't invited. I don't know him and, again, no other guests under 21 can bring a guest. My mom said you can't say "no" because then none of them will come and it will ruin their friendship. Besides, she says, it's not like it's changing the total number of guests coming. How do I handle this? I need a polite way to say that I would still like the two of them to come, but unfortunately, the boyfriend cannot. I know I already made her upset once when I had to politely tell her at a party we were at last year that her other daughter (whom I don't know well and is 13) would not be on the guest list. Am I being irrational? I need some help.
Posted by aburnell[/QUOTE]

aburnell · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-adding-to-the-guest-list-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fa478b6-c0ec-4a5d-8c3d-f1290a975d5fPost:cc44ed75-49ff-42e4-b237-4f92fbd91b9f">Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE] Also, does your venue charge the bar package for each adult guest, or each guest that is at least 21? Maybe you could mention to them that the substituted guest is under 21 and they won't charge you for an alcoholic package.
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]

<div>They charge a bar fee for each person invited, regardless of age. I asked...</div><div>
</div><div>O well. Not a huge deal and as almost everyone has said, I'll let it slide. I was pretty upset because, as I said, this family does things like this EVERY time they are invited somewhere. It's like they just don't get it. </div><div>...Jean overhauls to my wedding shower? You see where I'm going with this.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks all for the advice. My mom called her and told her he can come, but to still please turn in the RSVP card, even though the deadline was last week. </div>

J&K10910 · September 2012

The term "boyfriend" will usually do it. Granted, some people are crazy and call any person who pays attention to them their boyfriend or girlfriend, but in my experience those people tend to be in the minority.

KellyBrian2013 · September 2012

In Response to Re:Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!:I agree with Hockey. nbsp;Anyone over 18 who is in a relationship really needs to be treated as a social unit. nbsp;THe best thing for you to do here is allow the bf to come. nbsp;And as you said, it doesn't change your overall numbers.Posted by LoopysevenThis is a serious question. How do you distinguish being in a relationship and some dude the invitee met last week?nbsp;nbsp; Or don't you? Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

We didn't. Anyone in a relationship at the time invites went out was invited with the person they named as their boyfriend or girlfriend, regardless of length of the relationship. I told my best friend in the middle of my first date with DH that he was the man I would marry. 8 months later, we were engaged.

lyndausvi · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-adding-to-the-guest-list-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fa478b6-c0ec-4a5d-8c3d-f1290a975d5fPost:991af71b-a340-443c-99ed-10c152538508">Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP! : This is a serious question. How do you distinguish being in a relationship and some dude the invitee met last week? Or don't you?
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>We gave everyone a plus one. My BIL brought his flavor-of-the-week (we were given her name 2 days before the wedding.) My SIL brought one of her friends. NBD to me.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's fair to say most people know their guests well enough to know if they are a serial/flavor-of-the-month type or not. If it's a distance cousin, I always go with the benefit of the the doubt. I didn't have the time and energy to question people on the subject. </div><div>
</div><div>I also gave myself a buffer in the guest list just in case relationships changed or I didn't know about a distant cousin's relationship. </div><div>
</div><div>I really didn't care about substitutions either (as long they were not under 18.)</div>

ThankfulSnail · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-adding-to-the-guest-list-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fa478b6-c0ec-4a5d-8c3d-f1290a975d5fPost:7b7da6ce-9bf6-4fba-b286-0182ef12259d">Re:Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP! : I<strong>t seems to me that you are saying that plus ones are virtually required if anyone asks.</strong> I think many people have had BFs/GFs that were not part of a long-term or committed or serious relationship That's the problem with the board sentiment that anyone identified as a BF/GF MUST be invited. There may be a serious relationship, there may not be. Here, the guest didnt even bohter to call the B or G to discuss,
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
This is because they are, if the person asking is in a relationship. The problem with your logic is that you're trying to judge the seriousness of your guests' relationships. That is both not your responsibility and none of your business. By inviting everyone in a relationship with their signifcant other, you're showing them that you consider them a social unit, as they ARE a social unit.

HockeyFan4 · September 2012

NYU: that philosophy will get your friends pissed off at you. I knew my husband for about 9 years before we got married. We were in a relationship for 5.5 years before we got married(4.5 years until we got engaged). We only lived together for 3 years before the marriage.

By your definition my now Husband would not have been invited to a wedding with me after we had been together for 2.5 years.

THIS is why we tell people, if the person considers the other person their bf/gf they get invited as a social unit. It is not up to you to determine how serious someone's relationship it.

ETA: My husband and I knew we were going to get married a month into our relationship....we just decided to take our time with things.

DramaGeek · September 2012

The problem, NYU, is that you're passing judgement on the seriousness/committment level of someone else's relationship. A friend of mine was engaged within 8 weeks of meeting her now husband. If they had been invited to a wedding at the 4 week mark and he wasn't invited, she'd have been pissed - they were clearly in it for the long haul.

Granted, there are people who date around or have a new relationship every few weeks, but if you don't know the person well enough to know which side of the coin they fall on in this situation, then it behooves you to give them the benefit of the doubt and invite their significant other by name. If they don't have a name to give you, then that's a plus one and you do not have to include a random date.

OP, the 21 and over cutoff is somewhat arbitrary. My H and I were engaged at 20, so I would have found that highly offensive. I'm glad you've decided to include him.

HockeyFan4 · September 2012

Your definition of long term is arbitrary based on your own feelings. Other people would define it differently.

I think Drama explained this pretty well.

KellyBrian2013 · September 2012

In Response to Re:Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!:[QUOTE]Hockey, your and Drama interpretation might make sense if the invitee had responded promptly, when first invited.nbsp; But when the invitee takes time, doesnt bother to respond untill called, then it makes less indicative of a signficant BF v. flavor of the week. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Just go away and stop giving bad advice. You've been shown multiple definitions of significant other, boyfriend, and girlfriend that are synonomous and you refuse to acknowledge it. Stop being ignorant.

KellyBrian2013 · September 2012

In Response to Re:Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!:[QUOTE]Kelly, I do not think that quot;significant otherquot; and bf/gf have identical meanings.nbsp; There are dictionaries that agree with me.nbsp; I think that they can overlap.nbsp; BF/GF can be, but are not necearrily, shorter term.nbsp;nbsp; Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Yes, your dictionary.com references agreed with you while the MerriamWebster references agree with my aforementioned statement. Just because you don't think they are one in the same does not make it so. Once again, stop being ignorant and/or stop posting your craptacular advice.

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