Fiance's Sister in the wedding?

MichelleyS · December 2010

Hello wise Knotties,

I've already chosen my Matron of Honor (best friend), Maid of Honor (sister), and four close friends to be in the wedding. My fiance has one sister who lives out of state. We haven't spent much time together yet, but we are slowly starting to build a relationship. She and her husband got married this fall at city hall and told my fiance and I the following week that they'd gotten married. They "didn't want to make a big deal of it," which we respect.

When she and her new husband visited a few weeks ago with their new baby, she casually asked me about our wedding plans which I hadn't brought up to her yet. I told her that we'd picked the venue and then threw out a few questions to see what her interest level was in being involved, to which she replied, "It's your wedding" then changed the subject. Guess that was my answer...?

I've been thinking about asking her to be a bridesmaid so that she doesn't feel left out, but I get the sense that the whole thing would be a burden to this new working wife and mom who doesn't really know me and isn't that into weddings. Is it better to ask her and let her say no? Or just not ask at all and maybe give our niece some kind of flower girl-type honor? Any suggestions would be so helpful!

noodle_oo · December 2010

I'd talk to your FI and see what he thinks. Obviously from the tone of your post, you don't really want her as a BM, which is fine! I'd talk to FI and see if he thinks she would really care either way. If he doesn't think she'll care and he's okay with it, I woudln't ask her. If you FI really wants her involved, I think it makes more sense to have her as a groomswoman. We did that with my DH's sister and it worked out great.

Good luck to you!

JBs_Bride · December 2010

You don't have to ask her to be a BM. People who are in the bridal party should be chosen because they are the people you really want to have standing up there with you.

Since she's your FI's sister, he could also have her on his side as a groomsmaid.

MichelleyS · December 2010

Thanks for your thoughts, ladies. She's definitely not someone I currently feel supported by, but I'm all for having her up there if she wants to be since she'll soon be my sister, too. I hadn't thought of having her stand up for my FI, so I'll ask him what he thinks about that option.

snoangel79 · December 2010

I like the idea about the flower girl <: that seems a sweet way to include her!

Jess111679 · December 2010

I'd definitely talk to your fiance and see what he thinks. I have one brother and my fiance has one sister; neither of us are especially close with our sibs but we want them both to be a part of things, so his sister is on my side and my brother is on his side. Currently - we've been engaged since June and getting married in July - I am feeling disappointed because I want her to be excited like the rest of my bridesmaids (my friends) are, and she's not acting that way. But it was important to both my fiance and I to have our siblings in the wedding party. So... don't know if that was helpful but good luck....

jonchrissy · December 2010

FI has a sister and I have a brother, his sisters one of my bms and my brother is one of his GMs. I guess the biggest thing for me would be, is it more likely to cause a problem if you don't ask her.

Also, just a thought, my mom/grandparents/fmil have barely spoken with or seen their bridal party since they got married except for the family.

Galaxy8227 · December 2010

I would discuss it with FI to see what his opinion is.

october010bride · December 2010

First thing, I'd talk to your Fi and see what he says... like pp said, he might want her on his side.

I asked my fi's sister to be a bm. We had spent some time together but we def weren't close. She and I are VERY different but I wanted to include her, I had no idea if she'd actually enjoy it.

We ended up becoming very close throughout the wedding planning and I think she really appreciated being asked and being included.

Obviously you know her better than we do, so I'd think about it some more and then just follow your gut. You don't want her to feel left out and hurt though, so just think about that.

Pesapenny · December 2010

What about giving her a task that's not bridesmaid related- maybe doing a reading at the ceremony?

Calypso1977 · December 2010

6 BM's is already quite, quite large. do you really want 7??

i didnt ask my SIL to be in my wedding, nor did she ask me to be in hers. i wasnt offended, and i dont think she was either. i did buy her and her H a corsage and bout to wear at our wedding though.

jay10 · December 2010

dont ask someone just for the sake of it, its a lot of work being in a weddig so unless she is 100% on board its not going to be fun for either of you......dont feel obligated. Theres nothing worse than being asked just for formality/politness reasons and she will sense that too.....

MichelleyS · December 2010

Thanks everyone for your great insight and suggestions!

I talked to FI last night and it seems he's changed his mind since we talked about this over the summer. Initially, he'd wanted me to ask her to be a BM so she could be part of the wedding. Given her new roles as wife and mom, in addition to working full-time and dealing with family issues, he thinks it would be a bit too much for her to be a BM or even to stand up on his side. So, we will be thinking of other ways to honor her at the wedding.

Fiance's Sister in the wedding?

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