NOT picking friends as a bridemaid

STEM2010 · December 2009

I have a couple friends my fiance and I have decided to NOT have in the wedding party, due to size. I'm relatively certain they assume they will be (I was in one's wedding and have been friends for many years with the other). I'm not sure if I should approach them and risk the awkward conversation to inform them or just let them "figure it out." I want them to know they're important to me but don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm not sure there's any nice way to say "You're not important enough to be in the wedding." It's really stressing me out! Help!

CTGirl30 · December 2009

You never take the initative to tell someone why they didn't get asked to be in your WP. (And keep in mind that you don't need even numbers or any of that nonsense so if it's a case of there being "too many on one side" vs. the other side, that's not really a good reason to not ask people you might otherwise want to honor by asking....Just sayin' since a lot of people have that misperception). With that said....

If they ask YOU why they were not asked to be part of your WP (faux pax on their part, but it happens), then you can respond with something tactful such as "We couldn't possibly have asked everyone we would have liked to, but would be honored if you would attend as a guest and celebrate with us."

CTGirl30 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-picking-friends-bridemaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fcf33bdd-74bc-4453-b052-fc90f4beee1aPost:b9cc7da2-34c6-4cb0-8cf1-00c9c0090e48">NOT picking friends as a bridemaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a couple friends my fiance and I have decided to NOT have in the wedding party, due to size. I'm relatively certain they assume they will be (I was in one's wedding and have been friends for many years with the other). I'm not sure if I should approach them and risk the awkward conversation to inform them or just let them "figure it out." I want them to know they're important to me but don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm not sure there's any nice way to say "You're not important enough to be in the wedding." It's really stressing me out! Help!
Posted by STEM2010[/QUOTE]

PS - if you prefer not to ask them to be BM or GM, you may consider asking the friends to perform a reading in the ceremony. That's an option as well.

mymanna · December 2009

No matter what someones feelings will be hurt. I would talk to them and just let them know that you have chosen other people to be in your bridal party but that doesnt mean you don't want them to be apart of the wedding experience. Try to be sympathetic to their feelings like leaving out that they aren't in the wedding because of their size but also remembering that this is your wedding and you have the right to make whatever decision you feel most comfortable with. You will never be able to please everyone. But you can always make the effort and let them know that if they would like to help with anything you may need help with you would love to have their support.

banana468 · December 2009

Why is it due to size? What's one more?

It's not a big deal to not ask someone and you shouldn't say, "this is why I didn't ask you to be a BM," however if the issue is that you want even sides, please stop and just ask her.

Uneven bridal parties are the new black.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

First, don't initate that conversation with them. That will only be hurtful. That will tell them that you thought about it but they werent good enough to be included.

IF they bring it up (big IF), then use what CTGirl30 said.

Also, you could have them do readings if you haven't chosen readers yet. If that doesnt work for you, being a guest is an honor as well. I have been in lots of friends weddings but none are in mine. The honor does not have to be reciprocated, and it would be rude of them to assume that.

megk8oz · December 2009

Don't ask anybody you don't want. Also, until you're 6-8 months out, don't ask anybody period.

Don't "explain" to anybody why they aren't in the BP, because really, there's no way to have that conversation without looking like a jackass. And you don't "owe" anybody a spot because you were in theirs. I was a BM for a friend 2 years ago, and she was extremely pushy about being in mine (Since the time of her wedding she would say "Oh, well, when I'm a BM for you ..."), but I never asked her. I knew when I got engaged that I wasn't sure how long I'd be engaged for, it could have been a couple months, it could have been a couple years. My original plan was to not ask anybody until I had a date set (Which, after coming here, I learned, waiting until that 6-8 months is a much better idea for most people). I would up being engaged well over a year before we even set a date (Which, when we did, the date was less than 6 months away). But I knew even before the Knot once I asked somebody, there was no "un-asking", so I wanted girls that wouldn't make me nuts. And my friend, would have made me shoot myself by now if I'd asked her from the get-go.

Anyway, after the date was set, she asked me who I picked, and I told her (My 2 sisters and FI's sister). She seemed a tad dissapointed that I didn't list her, but she never asked me "Why?". She did spend the next several weeks annoying the crap out of me trying to "change my mind", but she never outright asked for a reason why I didn't (It was more like a "Are you sure you've asked everybody?", also rude). I just stuck to my guns and explained that we couldn't ask some friends without hurting other friends' feelings (Which was true, but not my reason for not asking her), and on top of that we just couldn't ask everybody because we'd have no actual guests.

None of my other friends even hinted that the felt slighted or hurt by this. They seemed very "You get to pick, when it's my turn, I get to pick". Maybe somebody will "punish" me later on by not asking me, but frankly, I think I'll live, since it's sparing me from having to drop almost $200 on a dress I'll never wear again. I, personally, don't get offended when people don't ask me to be in their BP.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Explaining to them why you didn't ask them to be in the WP is like explaining to them why you didn't invite them to your b-day party. Just don't do it.

Be preparted to respond if they (rudely) ask, but do not start this conversation.

mbcdefg · December 2009

Don't bring it up. Chances are that they won't ask (most people are smart enough to know that that's a HUGE breach of etiquette). If by chance they DO bring it up, CTGirl's comment would be a great reply.

I have a friend who I suspected was expecting to be a BM, but I wasn't planning on asking her. I did not ask her, and the topic has never come up and our friendship seems exactly the same as it was before the engagement.

So, again, they may not even ask. So do NOT NOT NOT explain to them, if they do not ask you, why they didn't make the cut. That might be even more hurtful to them than not being asked. Most people will understand that you have to draw the line somewhere, and you are not at all a bad friend for not including people that you were a bridesmaid for ... but going out of your way to say, "I didn't pick you and here's why" is really rude. It's not like you're interviewing people for a job and then you have to call those who you rejected. You don't owe anyone a spot or an explanation.

blackfire5th · December 2009

How big is your wedding party already? If it is really just about even sides or proper bm/guest ratio, you are telling them "numbers are more important to me than you"

Also if they really expect to be in the WP, do you know how it will affect your friendship if you don't include them? Did you consider asking just because you have known them a long time and you were in the other girls wedding or are they truly some of your closests friends? When you look back at your wedding photos are you going to regret not having two good friends with you? Will you be glad you didn't ask them out of obligagtion? Or will you be happy to have your numbers?

I do know what it is like to have a lot of friends. I originally had 10 girls that I was thinking about asking. Some of which were out of obligation. DH didn't want a wedding party that large and wanted to keep things even (he had 4 gm in mind). So I sat down and marked off those that I was asking out of obligation and got it down to 6 bm. These 6 were truly my closests friends and family and I DH was happy with uneven sides since now we both had those that were closests to us.

All I'm saying is really think about why you are excluding them.

thebeckiestbecky · December 2009

This is a tough one. I actually understand wanting even sides; it was something we wanted for our wedding as well. The way that the church was designed, it would have looked a bit awkward to have uneven sides. I ended up asking all the friends I wanted to ask, though; my FI was the one who had to "suffer" since he had to add to his original list. Even though he added close friends who weren't BFFs, he still had guys (GUYS!) ask him why they weren't groomsmen. So, it's not always just a girl thing.

I found this article on choosing bridesmaids, and what the proper etiquette is, to be extremely helpful: http://personalbudgeting.suite101.com/article.cfm/cheap_christmas_presents_for_every_personality

SarahPLiz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-picking-friends-bridemaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fcf33bdd-74bc-4453-b052-fc90f4beee1aPost:a9bcc07f-c9cd-401b-9ba0-c4261efd57ae">Re: NOT picking friends as a bridemaid</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a tough one. I actually understand wanting even sides; it was something we wanted for our wedding as well. The way that the church was designed, it would have looked a bit awkward to have uneven sides. I ended up asking all the friends I wanted to ask, though; my FI was the one who had to "suffer" since he had to add to his original list. Even though he added close friends who weren't BFFs, he still had guys (GUYS!) ask him why they weren't groomsmen. So, it's not always just a girl thing. I found this article on choosing bridesmaids, and what the proper etiquette is, to be extremely helpful: <a href="http://personalbudgeting.suite101.com/article.cfm/cheap_christmas_presents_for_every_personality" rel="nofollow">http://personalbudgeting.suite101.com/article.cfm/cheap_christmas_presents_for_every_personality</a>
Posted by thebeckiestbecky[/QUOTE]

You must not lurk here much. that article is almost he opposite of what should be going on. I don't want to even START on all the things wrong with that article. OP.. please don't follow it. Its asinine.

Also, you do know that in popular culture your SN refers to giving good oral sex, right? Have you heard the song "Becky"? Maybe I'm a prude, and maybe I'm being to judgy, but I'd be embarrased for that to be my screenname.

mlashley · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-picking-friends-bridemaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fcf33bdd-74bc-4453-b052-fc90f4beee1aPost:273780ea-3756-40b9-b7c7-8fc4da7eeaea">Re: NOT picking friends as a bridemaid</a>:
[QUOTE]...I would talk to them and just let them know that you have chosen other people to be in your bridal party but that doesnt mean you don't want them to be apart of the wedding experience... Posted by mymanna[/QUOTE]
I tried to have that talk with my sister, it ended up with her telling me she just HAD to be in my wedding party... yeah... I wish I just would have not said anything...

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

From the article:
[QUOTE]It is proper for the bride to choose the number of attendants in the wedding party; this means that if the bride wants to have six bridesmaids but her hubby-to-be insists that he only has four friends, the Mr.-to-Her-Mrs. needs to pull out an extra two attendants. It is the bride's prerogative to choose the number of attendants in the wedding party – so long as it's not ridiculous. The groom has a right to tell the bride to cut a few maids if she presents him with a list of ten or more blanks to fill.[/QUOTE]

There isn't a single word in that paragraph that is a good idea. I can't even begin to list everything wrong with it. That's some of the worst advice that's ever been put on the internet, and there's some stiff competition out there.

banana468 · December 2009

The Groom Matches the Bride's Number, Not Vice Versa

It is proper for the bride to choose the number of attendants in the wedding party; this means that if the bride wants to have six bridesmaids but her hubby-to-be insists that he only has four friends, the Mr.-to-Her-Mrs. needs to pull out an extra two attendants. It is the bride's prerogative to choose the number of attendants in the wedding party – so long as it's not ridiculous. The groom has a right to tell the bride to cut a few maids if she presents him with a list of ten or more blanks to fill.

My what AWFUL advice!!

wcvsb3b5 · December 2009

Do you not want to have any more bm's "due to size" because you feel as though you have to have even sides or is it for another reason like budget?

If it is only because you feel like you need even sides then I agree with many of the other girls that if you really want them in the wedding then you should. However, if it is because of budget then I would suggest asking them to do something else (i.e. a reading).

IF you choose not to include them at all I would not initiate the conversation about NOT choosing them...that would be extremely uncomfortable for both parties. They will figure it out by you not asking them...

Only discuss it if they ask you about it...

CTGirl30 · December 2009

That article is very misguided.

lalap69 · December 2009

Okay the article started out well enough, saying that you should consider family members and that you don't need to ask someone just because they asked you....and then descended into complete madness. Yes, you should totally make your groom "find" friends to be spacefillers. There's nothing wrong with that! And hey, if he doesn't have that money friends, you could always hire people. After all, it just wouldn't look right if your sides didn't match.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Also, you do know that in popular culture your SN refers to giving good oral sex, right? Have you heard the song "Becky"?

It's particularly awesome that someone who cares more about even sides than about people is named after a BJ.

jamiekbarto · December 2009

I am in the situation were I have a bunch of sisters that I am close too who are my bridesmaids and too many girlfriends to be Bridesmaids. I remedied the situation by starting my own tradition. I have asked my closest girl friends to be ladies-in-waiting during the ceremony. As I am walking down the aisle each one of them will be waiting for me at the side of the aisle to hand me a flower for my bridal bouquet. They still get to wear a pretty dress and feel special. Then when I have passed them they take their seats in the audience. I think it's a great way to include friends without the wedding party getting huge- especially if you are on a limited budget.

banana468 · December 2009

Jamiekbarto, I just hope you're not dictating attire to the ladies in waiting.

NOT picking friends as a bridemaid

Re: NOT picking friends as a bridemaid

The Groom Matches the Bride's Number, Not Vice Versa

Choose Another Board

Search Boards