Bridemaid Duties Question

mboja1fv · April 2010

A lot of posts and replies hint at this notion that bridesmaids aren't supposed to be responsible for anything except dressing appropriately, walking down the aisle and smiling in pictures. They are only really there to "support" you and shouldn't be asked to do anything.

Please explain how this makes a bridesmaid any different from a guest you have invited to support you on this special day?

I really don't know who is going to handle things like recording all the gifts people give us, or make sure that something isn't forgotten last minute if I can't ask the women in my WP to do them. I thought that was the point of a WP...to help you.

xoxob · April 2010

Your BMs are your best friends, of course you can ask and (hopefully) they will want to help you, but if they say no, you have no right to get mad at them.

Some brides have a very skewed perspective on what they can expect from their BMs, which is, to stand there in their dress on the day of the wedding.

Can you be upset with one of your BMs doesn't make you bridal shower? Yes. Can you get mad at her and tell her she is being a bad BM? No.

Do BMs often throw bachelorette parties for the bride? Yes. Is it a required that they do so? No. A bachelorette party is a gift, as is a shower.

My future MOH lives in LA, I am in NYC. She is my best friend in the world, should I not name her my MOH because she won't be here to stuff envelopes with me? Absolutely not. I would never even ask.

A lot of times, girls come on here complaining that their BMs don't want to talk about their wedding 24/7, or they won't go to bridal shows (they are boring, c'mon), or they don't want to come to floral arrangement appts with them. They really shouldn't be complaining about these things, that's just asking a little much, don't you think?

You shouldn't ask your BMs to do chores. They aren't hired hands, they are your best friends. If your BM says to you, "Can I record gifts for you?" you should say, "OMG! Thank you so much" but you don't want to burden your friends, do you?

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:1749481f-3a3a-4115-8278-b36e470c30bd">Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of posts and replies hint at this notion that bridesmaids aren't supposed to be responsible for anything except dressing appropriately, walking down the aisle and smiling in pictures. They are only really there to "support" you and shouldn't be asked to do anything. Please explain how this makes a bridesmaid any different from a guest you have invited to support you on this special day? I really don't know who is going to handle things like recording all the gifts people give us, or make sure that something isn't forgotten last minute if I can't ask the women in my WP to do them. I thought that was the point of a WP...to help you.
Posted by mboja1fv[/QUOTE]

<div>The point is that YOU are honoring them with these titles. YOU want to honor them by asking them to stand next to you while you get married. Of course, they are your closest friends, so if, on the wedding day, you say, "Hey, Suzy, I forgot my purse downstairs with my vendor payments in them, could you do me a huge favor and go and grab it for me?" Most likely, your close friends will come through for you. Where you would go wrong is if you ASSUME they will do set tasks for you or if you make them lists of things to do for you. If you seriously have way too much to do the day of the wedding that you can't handle it, then hire a day-of coordinator. If there are just a few little things you could see come up, just tackle them as they come up the day of.</div>

stina93446 · April 2010

Both xoxo and Emily are correct. You are setting them apart from your other guests.

Also, you can always ASK for help, just don't EXPECT them to say yes or gush over you.

banana468 · April 2010

No, the point of a WP is to honor your nearest and dearest friends by asking them to be there with you on the big day.

They OFTEN do things like throw showers and bachelorette parties.

And at a shower, a BM or MOH often writes down who gave gifts.

At the wedding though, it's up to you and your FI to get your gifts to your home.
And it's up to the two of you two record who gave you wedding gifts as you won't be opening them up in front of a crowd.

When it comes to some things, your WP will often volunteer to help.

BUT they aren't required to do that.

That's the point. If you want people to be labor, you need to pay them.

BUT, in many situations, the ladies will volunteer to do things because they simply want to.

Think of it this way: you're going to be a wife. Some people will say that as a wife, your job is to make sure your husband's shirts are starched, his laundry done, dinner made, and a fresh coat of lipstick is on before he comes home. And of course, in some old books, you can't have a headache. What the husband wants your job is to give.

And times have changed now. We're women who love our husbands, but we're capable of making our own choices and we don't need to do things because an old book says so. We do things now for our husbands because we WANT to.

I hope that helps.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:1749481f-3a3a-4115-8278-b36e470c30bd">Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of posts and replies hint at this notion that bridesmaids aren't supposed to be responsible for anything except dressing appropriately, walking down the aisle and smiling in pictures. They are only really there to "support" you and shouldn't be asked to do anything. Please explain how this makes a bridesmaid any different from a guest you have invited to support you on this special day? I really don't know who is going to handle things like recording all the gifts people give us, or make sure that something isn't forgotten last minute if I can't ask the women in my WP to do them. I thought that was the point of a WP...to help you.
Posted by mboja1fv[/QUOTE]

<div>A BM is different because they stand up front with you, in a special dress, with a bouquet. It is an opportunity to honor your closest friends. That's it. They are not your staff or to help you. They are there so that you can honor your friendship.</div><div>
</div><div>As for recording gifts, you and your FI can handle that when you open them at home later. You don't need other people for that.</div><div>
</div><div>For last minute problems, this is something your DOC or event staff handle. Most venues come along with a coordinator that takes care of this sort of thing. If you're talking about something like forgetting your lipstick, your BM will loan you hers or get it for you because she's your friend, and that's what friends do, not because it's her duty as a BM.</div>

healyl99 · April 2010

then what is this link all about that is on the knot.com??? Explain that then. I'll believe the knot over all you people.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:086f998e-b32f-4b13-9ea2-81a35f274976">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]then what is this link all about that is on the knot.com??? Explain that then. I'll believe the knot over all you people. <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx</a>
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

<div>*headdesk*</div><div>
</div><div>The Knot, and other wedding websites, exist to make money. They do this by convincing you to spend money on their many advertisers products and services. If they convince you that you NEED a shower, bachelorette party, engagement party, etc, etc, then they are more likely to make money. The Knot doesn't care if you lose friends or are supremely rude to your friends. As long as you or they are spending the money, they are clammy.</div>

saxy414 · April 2010

Ditto all the PPs. If you go into wedding planning expecting your BMs to be your "staff," it's going to be a very long process, and probably not very fun for you or your BMs. Often, the less you expect of someone the more they will come through for you. Now, I'm not saying have low expectations, I mean that if you expect someone to throw a party for you, they may do it more grudgingly than if you just let it go and let them be in charge. Same goes for stuffing invitation/folding programs/putting together favors/etc. If and when they want to help, they'll gladly come to you and you can ask if they have some time to help you.

They're different from the guests in that they are the people you choose to honor to stand with you at one of the most important times in your life...but that doesn't mean you expect too much more from them besides having a great time and celebrating (while in a special dress).

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:89798193-cbf2-48e6-be63-36e1755282d7">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto all the PPs. If you go into wedding planning expecting your BMs to be your "staff," it's going to be a very long process, and probably not very fun for you or your BMs. Often, the less you expect of someone the more they will come through for you. Now, I'm not saying have low expectations, I mean that if you expect someone to throw a party for you, they may do it more grudgingly than if you just let it go and let them be in charge. Same goes for stuffing invitation/folding programs/putting together favors/etc. If and when they want to help, they'll gladly come to you and you can ask if they have some time to help you. They're different from the guests in that they are the people you choose to honor to stand with you at one of the most important times in your life...but that doesn't mean you expect too much more from them besides having a great time and celebrating (while in a special dress).

what the op was trying to say is that it shouldn't feel like such a chore for the bm. the bm should "some of the time" want to or agree to do some things wedding related to support her friend.
Posted by saxy414[/QUOTE]

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

andplusalso, this list that you linked to has an intended audience of a *bridesmaid* not a bride. If a bridesmaid came on here asking what they should do as a bridesmaid to make things easier or great for the bride, we would probably throw out suggestions like those on that list. What is not okay is for the bride to demand these things of her friends.

banana468 · April 2010

And you're going to say, "I expect you to do these things and if you don't you're bad"?

I can also Google, "Duties of a wife".

Do you plan to follow THEM?

The Knot exists to make money. By listing these things, it's asking people to buy into the items that it is selling.

There are NO duties other than buying a dress and showing up on the big day.

But if you don't believe me, give your BMs a list of duties and see how long you stay friends after the wedding.

saxy414 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:086f998e-b32f-4b13-9ea2-81a35f274976">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]then what is this link all about that is on the knot.com??? Explain that then. I'll believe the knot over all you people. <a rel="nofollow" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx</a>
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Ugh. But wouldn't you rather treat your friends like, I don't know, <em>friends</em> instead of props or staff? Because that's what they are when you expect things like this of them. A lot of the women on here are married, and their weddings are completely valid and were lovely, despite treating their BMs like friends and family--not staff. It's wonderful if your BMs and MOH do these things, but they are not <em>required</em>, no matter what the wedding business tells you. You and your friends will be much happier when you figure that out.

ETA: and while it is nice when the BMs help out, sometimes it IS chore for them. The world does not revolve around my wedding, or your wedding, or anyone's wedding. My BMs will have jobs/school/maybe babies by the time I get married. I wouldn't expect them to want to do a "wedding chore" like stuffing envelopes or whatever else. That's the kind of think you grab a glass of wine, your FI, and just get done.

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:9462716b-962c-4f39-8956-3db1ddc828f1">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]andplusalso, this list that you linked to has an intended audience of a *bridesmaid* not a bride. If a bridesmaid came on here asking what they should do as a bridesmaid to make things easier or great for the bride, we would probably throw out suggestions like those on that list. What is not okay is for the bride to demand these things of her friends.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

was she demanding? .. well apparently that other girl on here said she shouldn't even ASK her friend to do anything and that her fiance should do everything with her

xoxob · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:086f998e-b32f-4b13-9ea2-81a35f274976">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]then what is this link all about that is on the knot.com??? Explain that then. I'll believe the knot over all you people. <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx</a>
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

It is her duty to pay $7...and not comment on the nasty scars on your feet. K?

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:a61ae11a-6b55-4adf-a3dd-b818da57193b">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : was she demanding? .. well apparently that other girl on here said she shouldn't even ASK her friend to do anything and that her fiance should do everything with her
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

<div>The point is that the list holds no water. What, if your friends don't do one of these things are you going to print off the knot's list and high-light the portions that she did not complete and tell her that she failed as a bridesmaid? I think not. Your list is a pile of dog doo.</div>

saxy414 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:d5585d25-b65c-4ede-8d27-26481ab24efa">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : It is her duty to pay $7...and not comment on the nasty scars on your feet. K?
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

Thank you, xoxo...I knew I recognized the name, but didn't feel like finding the other posts. Yes...this makes sense now. :-)

healyl99 · April 2010

it was the post called "should I be upset" where the girl responded to the OP and said " I would never ask my friends to go to a bridal show or a make up trial with me.. that is what the fiance is for"....

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:d16aed92-d00f-43c7-ae8a-3091afaef679">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]it was the post called "should I be upset" where the girl responded to the OP and said " I would never ask my friends to go to a bridal show or a make up trial with me.. that is what the fiance is for"....
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

<div>They were saying what they would never do. You can certainly <em>ask</em>, but you cannot <em>expect</em>.</div>

healyl99 · April 2010

i can't find the link but this is not about ME. it's about the girl that wanted her MOH to attend the rehearsal and everyone said that she doesn't have to and the OP said that she wanted her friend to go to bridal show and other things with her and some girl said "I would not even ask my MOH" and basically said OP shouldn't have the balls to even ask MOH to do boring things with her... when I just thought that was wrong and that she should ask and just accept it if she said no....

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:4d3d8e1b-a0d8-4266-91d3-e7704f0fda1a">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]i can't find the link but this is not about ME. it's about the girl that wanted her MOH to attend the rehearsal and everyone said that she doesn't have to and the OP said that she wanted her friend to go to bridal show and other things with her and some girl said "I would not even ask my MOH" and basically said OP shouldn't have the balls to even ask MOH to do boring things with her... when I just thought that was wrong and that she should ask and just accept it if she said no....
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

<div>What, and now you are looking for vindication? I would never ask my bridesmaids to go to a bridal show with me either. </div>

xoxob · April 2010

No one said this girl, right here, right now, shouldn't ask her BMs.

Everyone on the other post said that she was overreacting for wanting to kick her BM out over missing a RD. She then complained that this girl was a bad BM and a bad friend because she didn't want to attend bridal shows. Everyone simply pointed out that was not the case.

We all said: Yes, you have the right to be upset, but no, this girl is not being a bad bridesmaid.

healyl99 · April 2010

http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx

this will solve everything.. this is what I was talking about.. that she made that appointment for her kid but knew 2 months in advance about the rehearsal.. etc... just read.. it's just my opinion that i think this MOH is careless.. and its true that MOH shouldn't be required to go but if bride indicates how important it is to be at rehearsal etc then the friend should have the common sense to not schedule appointments for that day of the rehearsal

healyl99 · April 2010

i didnt hear that part about wanting to kick her out.. i didnt see that part

Blueyed228 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:e6b3171a-2d15-435a-9d7d-05cb7ffc5b59">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE] I can also Google, "Duties of a wife". Do you plan to follow THEM? Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Lol, I googled it.

<strong>Duties of the Wife
</strong><em><font color="#800000">Make your personal appearance as beautiful as possible for your husband. Your dress may be calico, but it should be neat. While hair dye is not advisable, the eyebrows may be improved by a slight application.

Make every attempt to spend wisely the dole your husband offers for household expenses. Purchase with care.

Whatever the day's circumstances, greet your husband with a smile.

In your husband's dealing with his employees he is in the habit of giving commands and being obeyed. In his absentmindedness the same dictatorial spirit may possess him at home, so avoid all disputes until he gains his senses.

Maintain dignity in public with your husband. Loud talk or laughter, pointing, running, allowing your skirt to drag or sucking on your parasol handle all show bad manners.

Do not use profanity, slang, or words of double meaning that will bring the blush to your husband</font></em>

banana468 · April 2010

Perhaps the MOH is flighty.

BUT that's a FRIENDSHIP issue. It's not a "how do I deal with my MOH" issue.

If someone came here and said, "I'm going to be a MOH, what do I do?" I wouldn't say 'just buy a dress," But as the bride, that's all you can expect.

Likewise, I think every guest should give a gift BUT the couple has no business expecting that. See how it works? These are things that friends should do because they WANT to do them - not because there's a list.

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:05d4dcd5-a1bd-4ac4-909e-87605029f110">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx</a> this will solve everything.. this is what I was talking about.. that she made that appointment for her kid but knew 2 months in advance about the rehearsal.. etc... just read.. it's just my opinion that i think this MOH is careless.. and its true that MOH shouldn't be required to go but if bride indicates how important it is to be at rehearsal etc then the friend should have the common sense to not schedule appointments for that day of the rehearsal
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

You're an idiot. You don't know what the hell is going on with that child that requires an appointment 2+ months in advance. Doc's appointments aren't always easy to get, especially if it's a specialist, and many places are booked MONTHS in advance. What if the poor kid has cancer? You think that she should bail on a doctors appointment to make a stupid rehearsal. Get your head out of the clouds. Or your ass.

psichick · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:01ad4d67-4feb-4658-9dde-46cc25b6d4c9">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : Lol, I googled it. Duties of the Wife Make your personal appearance as beautiful as possible for your husband. Your dress may be calico, but it should be neat. While hair dye is not advisable, the eyebrows may be improved by a slight application. Make every attempt to spend wisely the dole your husband offers for household expenses. Purchase with care. Whatever the day's circumstances, greet your husband with a smile. In your husband's dealing with his employees he is in the habit of giving commands and being obeyed. In his absentmindedness the same dictatorial spirit may possess him at home, so avoid all disputes until he gains his senses. Maintain dignity in public with your husband. Loud talk or laughter, pointing, running, allowing your skirt to drag or sucking on your parasol handle all show bad manners. Do not use profanity, slang, or words of double meaning that will bring the blush to your husband
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

i'm going to be the worst wife ever. i ALWAYS suck my parasol handle in public. damn it.

banana468 · April 2010

Tide, I have to ask you to tone it down a bit. I appreciate what you're saying, but some elements are technically against the rules.

That said, I agree with you about the Dr. appointments.

xoxob · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:05d4dcd5-a1bd-4ac4-909e-87605029f110">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]<a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx">http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx</a> this will solve everything.. this is what I was talking about.. that she made that appointment for her kid but knew 2 months in advance about the rehearsal.. etc... just read.. it's just my opinion that i think this MOH is careless.. and its true that MOH shouldn't be required to go but if bride indicates how important it is to be at rehearsal etc then the friend should have the common sense to not schedule appointments for that day of the rehearsal
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

It's OK. We get it. You have proven with every post that you think it's totally ok for brides to expect everyone in their lives to put a stop to everything important going on. We don't.

We think that friends deserve understanding 100% of the time. If your MOH is your best friend, why shouldn't you trust that she has a good reason to miss your RD.

Your opinions are pretty immature. I have said this (specifically re: you) before and I will say it to everyone else like you: If you're in the minority of a vast group of women from different places and backgrounds, then you're the one who needs to rethink your values.

trix1223 · April 2010

Are your female guests standing up in front of the church and probably wearing the same, or at least similar dresses while holding flowers? Are all of your male guests standing next to the groom and wearing tuxes? If the answer is no, then there's a huge difference between your guests and your WP.

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