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Touchy issues

ARod22ARod22
100 Comments
in Jewish Weddings

My parents are divorced (and don't get along), and my father is remarried.  FI's parents are married.  We want to make our processional as traditional as possible without putting anyone in an awkward position or hurting anyone's feelings.  My initial thought was to have FI walk down the aisle with both parents, as per tradition, to have my mother walk in with my sister (MOH) right before me, and for me to walk in with my father.  Now my father thinks that this might cause drama with my mom, seeing as the groom's mother was able to walk with her son, and yet she, the mother of the bride, was treated as less important as the father in the exact same processional.  I sense that my stepmother is very uncomfortable with the idea of her husband walking with his ex-wife, and they were suggesting ways to alter the processional so that FI is just walking with his mom, and the best man (brother) walks with his father.  FI doesn't even want to go there with his parents, seeing as they are used to more traditional Jewish weddings and consider it a given that they will be honored by walking their son.

Okay, after that long, possibly confusing backstory... do or did any of you have divorced parents in your processionals, and how did you make it work?

Thanks in advance!

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Re: Touchy issues

  • TeamTarcus2011TeamTarcus2011
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My FI's parents are divorced (and not on the best of terms, either), but they have both agreed to be civil for the day and they will be walking him down the aisle together.  Both of his parents are remarried, and we will be having his stepparents each walk down the aisle with their respective children (FI's stepbrothers), so that everyone can be involved.

    I'm not sure if a similar arrangement would work in your situation or not, but IMHO, it is YOUR day (you and your FI), and your parents should be accomodating what you guys want, not the other way around.  That being said, your initial idea sounds nice.  I would ask your mom if that would work for her, rather than assuming that it would cause drama just because your dad seems to think it would.  Sometimes parents can surprise you!  We were nervous about asking my FI's parents about what we wanted to do for the processional, but they each said it sounded fine and totally appropriate to them.

    GL, I'm sure you and your FI will figure out something that works for your families Smile
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  • Lauren6277Lauren6277
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My parents are divorced and hadn't seen each other in over 10 years so I was very, very stressed about the wedding. It all ended up working out though.

    We had my dad walk my stepmother to her seat then he came back around and walked me down the aisle with my mother.

    The groom walked down with his parents (they're married so there weren't any issues).
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  • boston88boston88
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My sister had both of my parents walk her down the aisle, and I plan to do the same.  They are on "better" terms now than they were 10+ years ago when she got married, but it was fine.  They don't have to talk to each other while they are walking down, they just need to smile and be happy for you!  What I have learned is that this is the first of many times that your parents will most likely be thrown in the same place at the same time and have to be civil with each other.  (If you have children you will have future baby naming/bris, bday parties, bar/bat mitzvah(s), etc.) 

    It is your choice what you choose to do.  You're parents won't be walking with each other, they are walking with you.  After the ceremony they can walk down the aisle alone, with your sister, or with their spouses.

    Another option to consider, which is more of an orthodox tradition, would be to have your mom and FI's mom walk with you, and your dad and FI's dad walk with him.  

    My parents were less concerned about walking down the aisle at the same time than sharing the cup of wine together, but that worked out okay then.  Hopefully it will be okay for mine too.

    Good luck!
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  • silversparkssilversparks member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Are you doing circling? If yes:
    FI can walks down with his parents. Sister, step-mom, and mom each walk down, either alone or with appropriate escort. Dad walks you down by himself. Mom meets you at the bottom of the aisle, Dad hands you off to mom, mom accompanies you while your circle.
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  • JoelsGirl07JoelsGirl07
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Your parents aren't walking with each other, they are walking with you. they are the ones who brought you into this world. It is their right and privilege. As long as you don't have a problem with either one of them, then they can surely act like adults for 2 minutes and escort their daughter to the chuppah.
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  • notacookienotacookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just remind everyone this is about YOU and your Husband to be.  Its not about Mom's feelings, its def not about new wife's feelings.  This is tradition.  You say what you want and what's important to YOU and if they dont want to be part, then they dont have to participate.  Its harsh but its YOUR WEDDING!!
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  • Laurensara18Laurensara18 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree- it's your day so all that matters is what you want. Your stepmother will just have to understand that it's nothing personal- but at the end of the day they are your parents and if what matters most to you is having both your parents walk down the idle, you should absolutely be able to have that. In the scheme of her life it shouldn't be such a big deal but this is a moment every girl waits for and you deserve to have that moment.

    Good luck!
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  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Here's a possible solution if you don't mind not being 100% traditional:

    Do a couples processional.  Have the grooms parents escort each other up, let your dad escort your stepmom, and if your mom has a SO, she can go with him.  You can walk in with your SO.  It's not quite traditional, but it would save possible hard feelings. 

    I can't imagine my parents agreeing to both escort me--moreover, it'd cut out my stepdad, who I feel is more of a father figure anyway.

    But if you REALLY want to go with a traditional procession, I would just talk to your mom and your dad, and feel out how they'd feel about that.  If the two of them agree to escort you, it'd be a nice tactful thing too to talk to your stepmom about how she feels about the processional.
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