OOT Bridesmaid!

Shale4620 · June 2010

One of my bridesmaids recently moved home to SC for a wonderful job opportunity and to be near her family when she has her son (she's due next month). I was curious as to how much it would cost for her and the baby to fly out for the wedding. YIKES!! Almost $400!! She has not mentioned anything about $$, but with her about to be a new mother, I feel bad about her having to pay for airfare, her dress, etc etc.

My question to all the brides who have had similar experiences in the past -

As a bride, would you offer to pay for her dress, etc etc?

aerinpegadrak · June 2010

I fronted my brother and his wife money to pay for their airfare to get to the wedding, and paid for gas money and one night's hotel for my MOH and the BM who traveled with her. It was a destination wedding and everyone had to travel for it, but they were the only ones who approached me with financial issues, so they were the only ones I offered to help out.

I don't think you're required to pitch in, but if it's in your budget, it would be very generous to offer, and would probably make her life much easier.

emilyinchile · June 2010

If you can, that would be really nice of you.

That said, I live in Chile while 3 BMs live in the US. I didn't offer to pay for their dresses, but I did have them all stay with me for free while they were here and pay for stuff like wine tasting, sight seeing and several meals. If you can't find the money to help with the dress, maybe you can offer her a place to stay to help her cut down on those costs or help her figure out rides so she doesn't have to rent a car.

suz62984 · June 2010

Where is your wedding? I'm in SC and I can usually get better rates by traveling to the Charlotte airport. Charleston has a good airport with cheaper fares. Greenville's airport is more expensive; however they do offer cheap rates to several places as low as $45 one way. I see that you are in Phoenix; I know they used to offer cheap rates to get there.

Anyways - I would probably offer to pay for her dress if she says anything about money. Have you discussed her budget before finding the dress? If not, than you should. It is probably understood but don't use this as her "bridesmaid gift".

Shale4620 · June 2010

Unfortunately, its really not in our budget, but I'd make it work to help her out. The wedding is here in Phoenix. And we have a lot of mutual friends (who are also invited) who offered to set up house for her and the baby. So I believe she already has lodging set up. I checked prices from Charleston. Ill have to keep an eye out for if the prices drop at all. She hasnt said anything about money, but she's the type of gal that never would.

emilyinchile · June 2010

Set up a fare alert through Kayak or another site to see if/when prices drop.

SassyPants150 · June 2010

FI and I live in the Charlotte area and nearly ALL of our attendants live OOT. We met in college and the majority of our closest friends are all over the state of NC from being our college friends. We wanted to have a wedding closer to the mountains so we have somewhat of a destination wedding. FI was really concerned about the cost for travel and stay but we coordinated with our wedding parties for people to go in together for rooms and try to keep everyones cost as minimal as possible. None of our friends have mentioned that the wedding is going to cost them their first born so I think everyone feels okay with their costs involved. If one came up to us...we'd likely help in whatever capacity we could to keep it even less. Try priceline...I bought a ticket from Charlotte to San Antonio for $150...you don't get to pick your times and may have a bad layover...so make sure she does her dates to accommodate Good luck!

beamer84 · June 2010

I have 3 BMs that have to travel - 2 are driving and one is flying. The one who is flying is staying with me, or in a hotel room I paid for on the wedding night. Of the two who are driving, one doesn't have a date so she'll share the hotel room with the one who is flying in. Also, all BMs are invited to stay at my parents' house the night before the wedding.

No one specifically approached me about financial issues, but I wanted to help out those BMs who were traveling the farthest.

rbtrumpet · June 2010

I have been a BM in 2 OOT weddings. I have never been offered to be helped with flight/dress expenses (although at one wedding, they did pay for the hair/nails of all the girls who flew in - which was nice). Had I been offered, I wouldn't have taken it unless that was no way I could go to the wedding if I hadn't.

I have 3 OOT BMs, I have not explicity offerd to pay for airfare for any of them, however I have said if any of them get into a tight place, financially, then let me know, and I will help them. We did buy the plane ticket for one OOT GM who couldn't afford it otherwise.

ETA - I have offered my apartment for all OOT BMs to stay at - most are, except the one who is coming w/ her husband...

mrsredmoose · June 2010

I have one OOT BM (from Chandler, AZ, right by you!). She and her hubby are purchasing their flights, and she purchased her dress. I insisted on paying for their hotel on the wedding night. (They usually stay with me when they visit NY, but I decided against having houseguests that wknd).

We had a frank discussion about $ after I asked her to be a BM. I wanted to be clear that there were no expectations of her; I just wanted her at the wedding with me with big smiles on our faces. She will not be flying in for any pre-wedding events, but will make it to the RD.

If you are going to do something for her that you are not doing for your other BMs, I would keep it b/w the two of you. It's no one else's business and it may cause some friction.

I would confirm that she is comfortable with the lodging she was offered and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the trip easier and more comfortable for her and the baby.

fallingwater · June 2010

Offer to pay for some of the airline tix. Or give a gc to the airline. Don't know if you can do that. Or if you have a ton of miles on your credit card, tell her she can use those. Do what you can without putting yourself out way too much. Its nice to help. One of my bm just graduated college and moved back home, struggling with cash and trying to find a job. I put the down payment on her dress and she hasn't paid me back yet (3 months later) and I'm not asking for anything. I even offered to help pay for some of the haircare stuff I'd like her to get done if she needs it. Granted I'm on a tight budget with the wedding, but I can pick up an extra shift at work if it helps her out.

erintireman · June 2010

I am actually having 3 OOT bridesmaids for my wedding in Feb and I'm getting married in Key West, which is mildly expensive. Instead of offering the dress, I am renting a home in Key West and offering to have all my bridesmaids stay with me so they do not have to pay for hotel accomodations. I am goign to offer help to anyone who doesn't think they can make it due to financial reasons; however, I think helping out with the staying accomodations is a big help financially.

Akane7 · June 2010

I feel that if you offer it to her that the others will feel left out. I have 2 bridesmaids that are out of town and as their gift i was planning on paying for all 5 bridesmaids nails, make-up and hair. but to offer one bridemaids more... unless it's a "shhhh" type thing... i think the others will be upset.

nflanaga · June 2010

I don't think you need to offer to pay for her fare, but putting her up would be a great gesture. Friends and family can help out too, she could stay with one of them if you don't have the room. It's also a great idea to see if you can barrow some baby equipment from someone for that weekend. She might need a pack-n-play as well as a stroller or whatever. If you could barrow those items from a freind for the weekend to ease her mind about traveling that would be so helpful!

You should talk to her about it. Don't assume anything until she's said one thing or another. She might be completly fine or maybe she'll leave the baby with her folks...

chiwawa · June 2010

I think it'd be really nice of you to help how/if you're able. If she hasn't made it an issue, though, try not to stress yourself out about it. I'm assuming she knew she was a bridesmaid before she chose to move, so she must have some plan to be able to get back.

My brother will be one of the groomsmen in our wedding, and we'll be paying for his tux. He's in the military and will have to pay to fly in from Italy. My fiancé is also going to offer him the use of his Solstice while we're on our honeymoon if he gets to stay a while after the wedding. We'll probably also end up paying for my fiancé's dad's tux, because he's irresponsible and never has 2 pennies to rub together. We had talked about paying for his airfare from Chicago, too, but that really isn't in the budget.

emjohn1019 · June 2010

Unfortunately, ALL of my BM are OOT, so I simply can't pay for their expenses. Luckily, 2 of the 3 are in driving distance, so no airfare to deal with. And the one that has to fly doesn't have to pay for a hotel.

I've also selected a range of BM dress price options so they can choose a less expensive dress if they choose. I also will be letting them choose their own shoes and accessories and doing their own hair and makeup if they want - this puts them in control of the costs.

I've certainly prepared nice gifts for them, so that they know they're loved and appreciated.

Offer to help out if you wish, but do it discreetly, so that you don't offend other BMs.

medsdosage · June 2010

I had a M O H and JR.Bridesmaid back out on me due to $$ the airfare was to much for both of them . I did offer to buy there dresses and I still bought all 3 of my other bridesmaids there dresses. I off her the chance to come as a guest . And if she can not come at all I was okay with it . Tough times now days .

rackedrabbit · June 2010

I would definitely offer if you can at all afford it. We're paying for all our bridesmaids' & groomsmen's attire since they are all already spending so much to be there for us. We're also putting up everyone who is in our party and from out of town. Some are just staying with my family, but we'll probably have to cough up a hotel room or two...

theresat858 · June 2010

Two of my four bridesmaids are coming in from differing parts of the country. I am not helping out with airfare but I will be offering some sort of accomodations for them - details to be determined once I get a final answer on who is bringing a +1, since the girls could all share a hotel room but that would be awkward if there are men invovled. I think they are all coming single, though, as J's man has another wedding to attend the weekend of my wedding.

For all of my bridesmaids, my mother offered to pay for their bridesmaids dresses...this allowed us to choose a dress that is a little more $$ and not worry about all of the girls being able to afford it/have to shell out $200 on a dress they likely won't wear again. But this is well within our wedding budget, as I'm having a very small wedding and the guest list being small helps out a lot with the cost.

Even if you do not have $ to spare, offering to let her stay with you or a close friend who is willing is a great gesture and can really help out with costs (even cheap hotel rooms add up over a few nights). Before I knew that helping out with a hotel was in the budget, I offered my couch to one of my bridesmaids who was concerned about being able to afford the trip. I explained that I wouldn't be available/around much and wasn't promisning anything about being a good hostess, but she could certainly have a place to sleep & a shower/bathroom to use.

CL3542 · June 2010

One of my maids is not out of town, but is having some financial troubles. She is newlywed and her husband lost his job. They are making do, but don't have much supplementary income. When she told me to contact her by phone if I needed her because they cancelled their internet service, I knew that she needed help even though she'd never outright ask for it.

I have 6 maids and only one needs help. I do not think that it's a problem to offer help to one and not the others. It is important to me to have her as a part of my day, and this is the only way that can happen without making life very difficult for her. I'm not broadcasting to the other girls that I'm paying for her dress, and I don't think you need to - not for fear of them being left out, but out of respect for my maid who probably doesn't want the world to know that she's going through a fiscally rough spot.

If you can't do anything big, then do something small. When you're having money troubles, every little bit helps, and offering to help out even with little things I'm sure will ease her stress. My dresses weren't super expensive (about $100) which made it easier for me to help her out with it, but leaving options open for the maids can also help them save money. I am letting them wear shoes that they already own and am giving them all of the wedding jewelry. They are getting together to do each other's hair for the wedding, etc.

I hope that everything works out for you (and your maid)! Good luck!

Tessie845 · June 2010

I have been an OOT bridesmaid for 3 weddings and have 4 OOT bridesmaids in my upcoming wedding. I was never offered to have my dress paid for and I never would have accepted that. However, I did stay overnight with each of the brides for at least one night of the wedding which was a big help. For one wedding, the groom insisted on flying me from Baltimore to Chicago for the bachelorette party (which I couldn't afford myself) as a surprise for the bride. It was very difficult for me to allow him to do that, but I swallowed my pride and made the trip. It was an awesome surprise and a wonderful gesture.

michelleklay · June 2010

If it's not in your budget, maybe instead of giving her a physical gift, you can offer to pay her way? Or offer to split it.

irshis20 · June 2010

Four of my five bridesmaids live out of town/state. I did offer to pay for the dress of my bridesmaid flying in with her husband all the way from the Netherlands because that is such a huge expense for them. There is a financial responsibility that comes with being a bridesmaid, that includes transportation to the wedding and the dress. Unless she brings it up, I don't think you're on the hook to pay for her travel - of course if you can, that's wonderful, but you've already said that's not in the cards. Really when it comes down to it, if it's important to you to have her there, and she can't afford to come at all, then I think you have to think abut how you can help.

BTW, less than $400 actually seems cheap to me for a roundtrip flight Charleston-Phoenix. But maybe that's because I'm from Seattle, where all the flights are expensive.

mregel · June 2010

I'm having my wedding in Chicago at the end of July, but I live in Houston. It's made planning something of a nightmare since I couldn't afford to go up north more than once for wedding things. Only one of my bridesmaids lives in the area of the wedding- one has to fly in from canada, one from houston, and one is driving in from minnesota. I didn't offer to pay for anyone's airfare, but I did offer a ride to my Houston bridesmaid when I drive up to the wedding. She's the one who decided to fly. I've been helping her find cheap airfare. And I offered everyone a place to stay up until the night before the wedding- my parents house is going to be FULL! This is perhaps the 2nd time their large house has been put to good use

I also let them pick their own dresses so they could get something in their price range, and theyre picking out their own accessories (or lack thereof). I'm trying to make it as easy as possible on their bank accounts, and I'm not asking for a wedding present from the people who have to travel long distances. Tho, I didn't say anything specific about that.

The way I see it is that these are my very best friends in the whole world, so I'm willing to do just about anything to help them out. Especially since they've agreed to help me out in the most important step of my life! I'm not sure if that helps you out at all, but that's what I've done.

mking820 · June 2010

on the airfare i would check out the prics of one way flights i know i save $100 booking 2 one ways than it would have been for a round trip ticket

rebaguid · June 2010

Heres a tip, the best and cheapest time to fly is on Tuesdays and Wednesday at noon. Keep checking the prices they always change too!

crystalmir91385 · June 2010

All of my bridesmaids are girls that I've known since childhood, and after college all went on their separate ways. I am now gettin married in central IL and my bridesmaids are in DC, Texas and Iowa. None of them have asked for help, but after discussing it with family my future MIL offered to help if the situation came up. Perhaps your family would be as generous, since they know that she is important to you.

jennstein · June 2010

My fiance and I moved to Vegas after we graduated college, and our wedding party is ALL over the country (Wa, Wy, NY). I felt bad, and since we could afford it gave everyone $100 towards their dresses or tuxes (the dresses were only about $15 more). We also offered up our house to the entire wedding party, whoever wanted to get a hotel could, but they didn't have to. 3/4 girls are staying here and one of the guys is staying. I got a hotel suite for all the girls and me for the night before the wedding so we wouldn't be together the night before. We are also giving the wedding party our cars so people don't have to rent one while down here.
We are able to do this, but I think if you just offer to help a little it should be fine. Good luck!!!

amycarpaula · June 2010

this is my same dilemma... sort of...
i'm in California and will have my wedding in Minnesota (where i'm moving out to! lol!) most of my friends and relatives are in CA. I've already given them a heads-up and the wedding is not till 2012... i'm hoping they'd have saved enough money by then... :-)

latwinacoralynn · June 2010

If you can afford to, I would offer to pay for some of it (dress or flight). Or you can offer to split it with her. If you can't afford to pay for her, perhaps you can explain that you would like to help, but cannot and give her the option of not standing up. My sister lives in Utah and she's a starving student, so I bought her bridesmaid dress, but she purchased her own plane ticket.

Good luck! What sucks about having an out of town bridesmaid is that she can't help with the wedding!

aathurmon · June 2010

I live in New York and grew up in Missouri, and was recently a bridesmaid in three weddings back home. The brides didn't offer to pay for my travel or dresses, but I didn't expect them to. It's the bridesmaid's decision to turn down the offer of being in the wedding party if they can't afford it.

I'm now getting married in a year (back home in MO) with two OOT bridesmaids. I'm going to have to pay enough for my own airfare, let alone theirs. I agree offering for them to stay at your home is perfectly fine. And we may even pitch in on everyone's shoes and jewelry as a gift.

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