Sisters vs. Friends as Bridesmaids?

Jlaineb · December 2011

Hi fellow Knotties! I've been hemming and hawing over this and can't really ask my sisters or best friends for advice as I typically would, so I thought I'd ask you all!

I am trying to decide who to ask to be in the wedding party. My FI's best friend will most likely be his best man, and he has 1-2 others he would want to ask to be groomsman. I have 3 best friends (1 more so than the other 2) who I would want to ask. However, I am also very very close with my 3 sisters (I am the oldest of 4 girls). I am having trouble deciding who to ask--I feel that six is too many, especially when my fiance only wants 3 on his side and our wedding will probably have around 100 guests. I can't ask one sister over the others. Part of my hesitation in asking my sisters is that at the time of the wedding, they will be 20, 19, and 17. None will be of legal drinking age for any kind of bachelorette party, none have ever attended a wedding before, and I don't think they really understand the "unwritten rules" of buying your own dresses, throwing a shower, etc. My sisters have hinted that they would like to be bridesmaids. My friends have not said anything re: being bridesmaids, but have been so excited and so supportive of me and have already asked if they can help make decorations, sent me great online resources, etc.

Any advice on who to pick/how to accommodate? Family vs. Friends? Creative ideas for including everyone? I love all of these girls so dearly and want them all to have a special part in our wedding!

P.S. Not sure if this info helps, but we are getting married in Chicago (where we have lived the past 2 years), and everyone lives out-of-state (my sisters in Michigan, my best friends in Michigan, Indiana, and Italy).

Jlaineb · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-vs-friends-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eeeea6d3-8646-4393-af7b-7bb4137e3c43Post:85edfe16-a017-484c-b7d5-da84b88b5753">Re: Sisters vs. Friends as Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Sisters vs. Friends as Bridesmaids? : Don't pick people based on what they can do for you.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>Well aware, thank you. I'm more so looking for criteria on how TO select, not how NOT to select. </div>

OBX2011 · December 2011

You yourself said that you were concerned about asking your sisters b/c of their age & that they cannot attend your bachelorette b/c they are not of legal drinking age, they have never attended a wedding & the unwritten rules of buying a dress and throwing a party, etc., so basically you are looking at reasons to NOT include them.

You ask the people that mean the most to you to stand up there with you, NOT the people that can do more for you than others....or who can drink and throw you a shower.

Years from now, when you look back at your wedding day, who do you want to remember standing up there with you? THAT is how you choose your party.

mbcdefg · December 2011

Ask he people that you want standing up there next to you.

Don't base it on age, finances, "experience," number of your attendants vs. your fiance's, etc. Base it on, "Who do I really want up there with me?"

And then everything will work itself out from there. Keep the lines of communication open with them as far as dress purchasing (make sure to ask everyone for her budget, priviately, BEFORE you start picking dress finalists), and stay out of the bachelorette/shower plans (it is incredibly rude for a bride to be involved in planning her own party - they will work that out on their own).

em01092 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-vs-friends-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eeeea6d3-8646-4393-af7b-7bb4137e3c43Post:7e7382bc-ebfd-443f-823e-37f7d33f56ce">Re: Sisters vs. Friends as Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask he people that you want standing up there next to you. Don't base it on age, finances, "experience," number of your attendants vs. your fiance's, etc. <strong>Base it on, "Who do I really want up there with me?"</strong> And then everything will work itself out from there. Keep the lines of communication open with them as far as dress purchasing (make sure to ask everyone for her budget, priviately, BEFORE you start picking dress finalists), and <strong>stay out of the bachelorette/shower plans (it is incredibly rude for a bride to be involved in planning her own party - they will work that out on their own).</strong>
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
This.

graysquirrel · December 2011

If you really want all of them to be in your WP, then you should ask them. It doesn't matter if sides are not even. If you cannot choose between family and friends, then don't. 6 is large, but it isn't overly so. Pick those dearest to your heart. If it makes your heart sad to not have them included, then it probably means you should ask them.

It should not matter if your sisters are below the drinking age, have never been to weddings, or know what BMs do. All a bridesmaid really does is to buy a dress and show up ready to go. They are old enough to do those things. Make sure to ask their budgets and work with them to find dresses that they can afford. They are not obligated to do anything else so that shouldn't matter. Showers and B parties are gifts, not the rule. If your older friends want to take you out partying and drinking, they can do so without your sisters as a separate event. Or you can go to clubs where they would be welcome or alternative venues. Whatever they decide is what they decide. Like pp said, it is up to the gift/party givers to figure that out.

quiggels219 · December 2011

Ditto - think of who you couldn't imagine not up there. For me that was my sister, even though I knew she would not be involved in any parties and she lives across the country. None of that matters to me and I don't think it should be the deciding factor. As for other ideas of how to include people - they could be readers at the ceremony or if one is a great singer or something they could sing while the bridal party walks in.

Rebis58 · December 2011

I would ask them all. I have five bridesmaids. My two sisters are my co-maids of honour and three of my best friends are my bridesmaids. It would have been so hard to pick one group over the other, and I don't really see the point in doing that. If you love them enough to really want them to stand up with you, ask them to. Mine and FI's numbers are different, and it's no big deal.

IF I did have to choose, for me it would have been my sisters. Even if your sisters are younger, you can fill them in on the things they need to know (such as being prepared to pay for their dresses). It doesn't have to be bridesmaids who plan the bachelorette party, anyone can do that for you (although it should be offered, not asked for - which I'm sure you know!)

Good luck with your decision

Kate61487 · December 2011

ditto PPs. Ask who you want, if it's all six so be it. Each guy can walk with two girls, it'll be cute. Your sisters' ages in no way limits their ability to be bridesmaids. One of my friends had her 19 and 20 yo sisters as her BMs. They threw a b-party in their basement (they have quite the party house with a walkout basement to the pool) with virgin and alcoholic beverages so everyone was included.

I'm sure you're concerned about hurting feelings if you only pick one group, and that's understandable. Are you and your sisters really close, that they'd be extremely hurt? I don't have any sisters, but I can imagine it would probably sting. I'm sure your friends would understand if you had a family-only bridal party. Both of my MOHs are one of four girls; I don't have really high hopes of ever being in their BPs. But if you really want them up there next to you then ask them.

Jlaineb · December 2011

Thanks all! I am leaning towards asking them all. Imagining our wedding without any one of them in the wedding party makes me sad. I do really like Kate's idea of 2 girls walking in with each guy! I'm not too worried about my sisters catching on, but regardless I was thinking about buying their dresses for them. I appreciate the feedback!

Pjb1211 · December 2011

At my older sister's wedding my twin and I were only 14 and we were bridesmaids along with her 13 and 16 year old sisters-in-law. The bride wasn't of drinking age either, but she picked a MOH closer to her age. They immediately had a falling out , but she never backed out of the wedding. My sister has always regretted not having us. Friends come and go, but your sisters are always your sisters. Even if they can't drink they can still go to bars. My FI is going to Chicago for his bachelor party and his 19-year-old brother can't drink, but he can still get in and he offered to DD. You can't really ask for more than that!

JessRabbid · December 2011

I had a similiar dilemma, my younger biological sister lives in AZ, where as we live in CT, she's also quite immature for being 21, and has no idea of the responsibility of a bridesmaid, so I from the start had no intention of asking her. I also have an even younger 17 year old step sister who i happen to be closer to and is far more mature, but since i was not asking my bio sister, I also chose not to ask my step sister. None of this was an issue until my bio sister called asking to be MOH *gasp* which I know some of you will say is fine, but i felt it out of line, no one should ever ASK to be MOH. So I discussed it with my fiance, and we told both sides of our family, to make our decisions easier and to keep things fair, we were having NO family in the bridal party, it made the xplanation easier on both of them, and they both took it well.

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