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Snarky Brides
NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this
This is my first post on this board, but I thought it may be a good place to release this vent. I am 23, FI is 25, and neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever wanted kids, it was one of those things that we discovered we had in common after we started dating. Its not that we hate children, its just not in the plans for us.
Anytime someone asks us when we are going to start having kids and we say we aren't, they look at us like we murdered someone. We hear all the time, you'll regret it, or you'll be lonely if you don't have kids, or once you get to be old you're going to wish you had kids and grandkids. Everyone (with the exception of very very few people who just let it go or understand) tells us we'll change our minds and that its a bad decision.
I hate it! I understand why people want to have kids, and I would never say anything negative to someone who does want them just because its not what I want, but I don't feel like most people who want kids understand why we don't.
Is it really such a crime to just be the cool aunt or uncle without any kids of your own? I mean, seriously, I wish people would leave us alone about it!
Thank you for listening to my vent, just needed to get this off my chest since it seems to have gotten worse with the upcoming wedding.
Anytime someone asks us when we are going to start having kids and we say we aren't, they look at us like we murdered someone. We hear all the time, you'll regret it, or you'll be lonely if you don't have kids, or once you get to be old you're going to wish you had kids and grandkids. Everyone (with the exception of very very few people who just let it go or understand) tells us we'll change our minds and that its a bad decision.
I hate it! I understand why people want to have kids, and I would never say anything negative to someone who does want them just because its not what I want, but I don't feel like most people who want kids understand why we don't.
Is it really such a crime to just be the cool aunt or uncle without any kids of your own? I mean, seriously, I wish people would leave us alone about it!
Thank you for listening to my vent, just needed to get this off my chest since it seems to have gotten worse with the upcoming wedding.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this
The number one reason people give us for needing to have kids is "Who is going to take care of you when you're old?!?!?!" So I should procreate just so there's someone to take care of me? What if my kid ends up hating me? Or moves across the country? Then I'm still screwed.
Number 2 reason? "But everyone has kids. It's just what people do!" Also an awesome, awesome reason. I think the fact that it's the social norm to get married and have babies and so many people do it JUST BECAUSE it's what people do makes me even more anti baby.
So....I feel your pain. FI and I are both only children too, so we get mega guilt tripped about it.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
I've found that people either don't care about or don't accept my answers. I've gotten the "you'll change your mind!" "But who will take care of you?" "But kids are the greatest joy in life" speech a hundred times. When I tell people I'm too selfish to want kids, they laugh and say I'm not. Really? You want me to have a kid and prove I don't want it then?
I've taken to telling people "I can't have kids because I had cervical cancer and they had to remove too much of my cervix. But thanks for reminding me of that horrible time in my life." It's partly true, and it shuts them up every time.
Oddly enough, the only person who supports us 100% in not having any is a woman who has a kid.
[QUOTE]To be honest, I think it's just a really common question to ask someone who is about to get married. I didn't realize that it bugged people so much until I started posting on TK. I'm thankful that TK has made me aware of the fact that it bothers some people, but really they mean no harm. I sincerely doubt that anyone thinks you're evil for not wanting kids.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
It's not so much the people asking "When are yougoing to have kids?!" (though that does get annoying). It's the ones that follow up "We don't want any" with "ZOMG NO WAY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU'LL REGRET IT YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT ZOOOOMMMGGGG CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!!!!!!!!"
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
I didn't think I wanted children when I was 23. Now I'm 28, and -- lo and behold! -- I changed my mind.
Don't get me wrong: I think that anyone who is asking you -- let alone harassing you -- about your plans to spawn or not-spawn is nosy and deserves a kick in the shin. You definitely do not need to be harangued by people who think they know what you want better than you do! But, hey. You're young. You could change your mind. People older than you are going to recognize that and may react with skepticism when you respond to their less-than-appropriate inquisitiveness with an unequivocal no.
Five years ago -- heck, six months ago! -- I could have written this post. Then biology kicked in... and believe me, I'm not happy about it. Children were NOT in my 20 year plan.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : It's not so much the people asking "When are yougoing to have kids?!" (though that does get annoying). It's the ones that follow up "We don't want any" with "ZOMG NO WAY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU'LL REGRET IT YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT ZOOOOMMMGGGG CRIME OF HUMANITY!!!!!!!!"
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Exactly.
Just call me "Brothel"
And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
my read shelf:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : It's not so much the people asking "When are yougoing to have kids?!" (though that does get annoying). It's the ones that follow up "We don't want any" with "ZOMG NO WAY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU'LL REGRET IT YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT ZOOOOMMMGGGG CRIME OF HUMANITY!!!!!!!!"
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Well, that's just crazy. People like that deserve gigantic junkpunches.
www.tiffandshel.com/wedding
Of course us youngin's could change our minds, but the fact that it seems some people expect that we will, or just assume that the only reason we don't want kids is that we're young is just ridiculous.
Just call me "Brothel"
And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
my read shelf:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Well, that's just crazy. People like that deserve gigantic junkpunches.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Some of them even do it while jumping up and down and fistpumping in your face.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]Celles, Of course us youngin's could change our minds, but the fact that it seems some people expect that we will, or just assume that the only reason we don't want kids is that we're young is just ridiculous.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]
This.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
It isn't for everyone, and some people that have them shouldn't. I think some people assume we are all here to procreate. I beg to differ. And if you are happy with your decision good for you! And you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Some of them even do it while jumping up and down and fistpumping in your face.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Those must be robots. Only a robot would do some asinine shiit like that.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Those must be robots. Only a robot would do some asinine shiit like that.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Well, this might be true, if they're robots that don't short circuit when you dump your beer on them.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]I didn't think I wanted children when I was 23. Now I'm 28, and -- lo and behold! -- I changed my mind. Don't get me wrong: I think that anyone who is asking you -- let alone harassing you -- about your plans to spawn or not-spawn is nosy and deserves a kick in the shin. You definitely do not need to be harangued by people who think they know what you want better than you do! But, hey. You're young. You could change your mind. People older than you are going to recognize that and may react with skepticism when you respond to their less-than-appropriate inquisitiveness with an unequivocal no. Five years ago -- heck, six months ago! -- I could have written this post. Then biology kicked in... and believe me, I'm not happy about it. Children were NOT in my 20 year plan.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]
My FI and I have told each other if we ever change our minds that we'll tell the other and talk through it, we just don't really see that happening. Its possibly we could change our minds, but not probable. I don't get so mad when people ask, or even if they say a simple you never know, you may change your mind - its when they go on and on that I just want to tape over their mouth.
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one out there who deals with this! Thanks for the support everyone!
[QUOTE]Celles, Of course us youngin's could change our minds, but the fact that it seems some people expect that we will, or just assume that the only reason we don't want kids is that we're young is just ridiculous.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]
Oh, I agree!
But at the same time, seeing a young 20-something declare that she absolutely does not want children and <em>could not possibly change her mind</em>... well, that last bit gets a *head pat* from me. ;)
I definitely don't expect anyone to change her mind simply because I did -- but I also don't see how anyone that young can be that adament that she won't change her mind, either. Hopefully, that makes sense. I don't condone the pushiness or negativity at all; I just understand why some people respond with skepticism (although not so much to not wanting children, but to being unwilling to acknowledge that you <em>could</em> change your mind at some point in the future).
As adults with grown children, I can tell you my DH and I enjoy our freedom. We can pick up and go anytime we want. Our pets are our children.
I think some people think you are going to miss out on something if you don't,and then you get older and have regrets.
ETA: by the way this is coming from someone who had her tubes tied as soon as she had her one and only son (alone), I was constantly asked, what if you meet someone that wants kids? My answer: Let them have them.
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Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
Just call me "Brothel"
And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
my read shelf:
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Oh, I agree! But at the same time, seeing a young 20-something declare that she absolutely does not want children and could not possibly change her mind ... well, that gets a *head pat* from me. ;) I definitely don't expect anyone to change her mind simply because I did -- but I also don't see how anyone that young can be that adament that she won't change her mind, either. Hopefully, that makes sense. I don't condone the pushiness or negativity at all; I just understand why some people respond with skepticism (although not so much to not wanting children, but to being unwilling to acknowledge that you could change your mind at some point in the future).
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]
See, I find that kind of condescending. Yes, I can see why people would think a young person would change their mind, but to be self-righteous about it and all, "aw, you're still a young'un, sweetie" is just rude. You (the collective you) don't know a person's story, what they've experienced in their life, the reasons why they don't want kids.
Sure, some are probably in their party phase or whatever and can't fathom settling down. Others have solid reasons for not wanting a kid, and having those reasons brushed aside because of age infuriates me. I may be unwilling to acknowledge that I'll change my mind, but everyone else is equally unwilling to acknowledge that just because they think someone should have kids, that it's not the best decision for the couple.
You have an adorable puppy, OP.
People assume we will change our mind about not wanting kids because of our age. The thing is, I like kids a lot. I work with them and volunteer with them. But, I don't want to raise them.
I am young, and if either me and my H change our mind, we are open to discuss it.
Yet, I think the main difference is that I have no desire to be a mother. I never have, and I highly doubt that I ever will.
Now he's a year and 2 months and he looks like this:
Just call me "Brothel"
And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
my read shelf:
Tell us about yourself. How long have you been lurking? I see your wedding is in 2 months! Tell us about it. How did you meet Joe? Does Joe work in a button factory?
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]He's adorable, both then and now. I want a puppy, but we're not allowed. So for now, the cat is our baby. It's just as well, Whisky wouldn't like not being the oly child.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
Not allowed? Lame. Who do I need to set straight, your landlord?