BF sister is driving me nuts! Way too long vent

Re: BF sister is driving me nuts! Way too long vent

• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Oh wow.  Where to start?

  
  

  First of all, how old is BF?  His sister?  You?

  
  

  If his sister is under 21, it is illegal for her to be consuming alcohol.  You could get yourself into some hot water, legally, for providing a minor with alcohol.  If his sister complains about not being allowed to drink, let her know that you're not going to break the law for her.  If she is 21, say "I can't stop you from buying/consuming alcohol on your own, but in my house, I will not be serving you liquor".  After chugging a bottle of your rum, why should you have to serve her any?

  
  

  Next, WHERE ARE BF's PARENTS in all of this?  BF's sister is not your child.  You should not have to parent her.  Tell BF that you are sick of his sister using your house as a party house and treating all of you with such little regard.  However old she is, she needs to learn respect and boundaries.  Your apartment is not her party place or her love shack.  If she wants one of those, she'd better get a place of her own...FAST.

  
  

  If your name is on the lease with your BF's (which I'm assuming it is), this is YOUR home too.  Why should you have to constantly have to play hotel with his sister whenever it hits her in the head?

  
  

  Let your BF know that this is unacceptable and that he needs to establish some respect and boundaries with his sister or you will.  The next time she barges in uninvited or has no respect for your home, ask her to leave yourself if BF will not.  If she doesn't leave, she's trespassing!  Period.

  
  

  Above all, the most important thing to do is to open a dialogue with your BF.  Let him know how you feel.  Let him know that you feel that his sister has violated and disrespected you and your home.  Let him know that the situation has gotten so severe that you feel it has effected your relationship with him.  If BF is a keeper, he will automatically establish a boundary and lay down the line with his sister.

  
  

  However, if after this conversation with BF, he does nothing or cops out...I would take that as being a HUGE red flag...and I would get out of that relationship.  Any man that treats his sister's partying in YOUR home as more important that your right to feel comfortable, happy and safe in YOUR own home is not worth your time, love, or energy.

  
  

  I hope this helps.  Good luck with this...sounds like you'll need it.

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• meamolly member

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  He is 30 she is 18 I am 27. they share the same mom,she (his sister) lives with her dad and her step mom. I am sure they do not want her drinking. She is not my sister and that is why at first I let him have the final say. Yes I thought he would make the right choice. I spoke to him when he let her drink once before last night and she was not responsible. I knida had it in my head that it would be ok for her to have one drink as my family would allow us to have the one drink after we were 18. After I knew she was not very responsible about keeping to the one drink I did make it clear she should not drink here again. Then she goes and drinks the bottle or rum and makes it very clear I was thinking right.
  
  I know I am not her mom and I should not have even allowed it the one time. I am getting sick of having to play her mom cause she and her step mom keep getting in fights. I am curently helping her get a job where I work so she can move out. I work in a large company so I should not have to see her at work. I hope i do not regret that. Sadly this whole situation has made me not want to have her over anymore. I know she looks up to me cause I am kinda like a big sister, I am hoping this whole thing gets under control so I can enjoy having her over every so often again.
  

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• Narwhal

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  I think you might should reconsider getting her a job where you work if you can see already that she is irresponsible.  Regardless on if you would actually see her or not, her work would be a direct reflection on you because you are the one that recommended her. My dad got my BIL a job with his company when he first moved down here to be with my sister before they were married.  BIL didn't have much of a real job prior to that, and he didn't really know what he was doing at all.  Every day my dad came home complaining about how he got fussed at over something that BIL did, even though they didn't even work in the same department. He said he will never vouch for anyone again unless he knows for a fact that he can trust them to do good work.

  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Along with everything the PPs said I think you need to sit down and talk with your BF. He has been ignoring your requests throughout this whole thing as far as I can tell. I would be furious if I were you. You can't let him or his sister walk over you like that. He should be the one to deal with his sister. I would take some time to tell him how you feel about all of this.

  
  

  
  

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• catemeg

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Just because she's his sister doesn't mean he gets the right to say whether or not she drinks.
  
  My BF has a 16 year old sister, and he originally said she could have a glass of wine with dinner.  I said no.  He argued that it was his sister, but I said it was our house and that both of us would be held liable.  When someone's 18 and in college, then I'd be okay with them having a glass of wine at dinner, but liquor is totally unacceptable for anyone under 21 in my house.  Responsible drinking is an important thing to learn.
  
  Second, she should not be allowed to stay over your house at this point as she clearly does not use it responsibly.  I assume by "hear her and her boyfriend" you mean they were hooking up.  That's just awkward for you, and not cool that she's using your place as a crash pad and drunk tank and hook up location.  You are not the owner of a bordello.
  
  She sounds like she needs boundaries.
  

  

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• **Mutley**

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-sister-driving-nuts-way-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9297d985-2f59-4ecf-b3c7-9fab7269903bPost:259c4dce-e2d9-4d2a-9663-2f0013ba3ddd">BF sister is driving me nuts! Way too long vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]AND it is putting a strain on the relationship. My BF is a pretty easy going guy and does not really have a problem with his sister staying over every so often. She would usually ask and I tell her yes as long as he was ok with it. It was every so often until she broke up with her long time BF and then started dating a new guy shortly after. Her parents did not like this new guy so she was only able to see him for more than a few hours if she was at work or hanging out at BF and my place. I did not like the new guy much and at that point it was also a stress on the relation ship. She moved out of her parents and lived with her bf for about a month before his room mates kicked her out for not paying rent. Well you can guess what happened next. After a month of see him over here almost every day I spoke with BF and told him how I felt about him always being over (at that point I was also pretty mad as I had not had sex with BF for about a month and yes I was kind sick of hearing her and her guy. But that is a separate matter that he and i are working on) We were just about to tell her that she needed to cut down on the amount of time he spent over here when she told us her hours got cut at work and would not be able to pay rent. Well BF told her she had to move back in with the parents cause she had to pay rent if she was to stay. We never had to talk to her about that boyfriend, which i am happy about cause she was a room mate so she should have that right... Anyway they broke up shortly after that cause he was just a d bag. Well she found a new guy very shortly after that. Just by chance he lived downstairs form us with his dad. Well one night she came over to stay cause she wanted to "hang" with us but just ended up going out with him for dinner or something. At this point she was not BF/GF sort of thing with him and was just stringing the poor guy along. She did come back to our place that night to sleep and that is what we thought she would do till we woke up to find that the guy have stayed here the entire night to make sure she did not die of alcohol poisoning. SHE DRANK AN ENTIRE 700ML OF FLAVORED RUM! I guess she was still hurting about the prior guy and drank her problems away. I was not happy to find she had not asked if she could have any of our rum and just helped herself. She thinks it is funny to this day. Well now she started dating the guy cause he was so sweet making sure she did not die. She is over here often just to use the couch and I have told BF that I am sick of her using us. Last night was BF birthday and she asked if she was invited to the party, we said yes and that was the end of it. I told BF that I did not want her drinking and I did not think her boyfriend should not be allowed. He said that he would leave that up to her BF's dad. Anyway we went to talk and to her BF's dad and he said no just as I had said. (did I mention he is 16?) Now that we knew his age I put my foot down and said she would not be drinking over here ever again!  We we had made plans where we had a bbq at a local park then would go back to our place and have some drinks and c a movie or two. She was there when we got back and I reminded BF no drinking for her. We he said that we had talked to her BF's dad and he said no for he BF but I heard him say anything about her. I had to make a run for the drinks once we knew what everyone wanted and the BF's best girl friend came with me and I vented to her and she knew the entire story. I got back and his sister saw i had gotten the flavored rum again and asked if she could have any and I said no. She asked why and I said because i said so. A few min later i here her saying "I promise I wont throw up" and I screamed NO! and she said "what I wont" the boyfriend had told her she could drink and I was the bad guy. Her BF did not speak to us the entire night which I dont care. He is just 16 and really she should not be drinking anyway. Well I went to got to the bathroom and found out she had brought all her stuff to stay over night! I asked BF if she asked him and he said no. SHE HAD ASSUMED IT WAS OK! I am just so mad at both of them right now. I am trapped in my room when she stays over cause she sleeps so late. Today she got up at 2:30 only because we finally got sick of laying in bed and went out and made food. She finally left here at 6pm. I went into the guest rest room and she left her shower stuff here, like she was returning here soon. Not only that but I spent a good thirty min cleaning that restroom to rid it of all her hair and much from when she lived with us. She left it messy today! I ended up having to clean it again.  I know she and her parents are not getting along and all, but i am sick of it. Also it is really getting to the point where I am realising some things about BF parenting style. Ok vent over. I may just be way hungry so i am gonna just go eat.
  Posted by meamolly[/QUOTE]
  
  Are you effing kidding me? 
  
  RED FLAG!  RED FLAG!  RED FLAG! 
  
  Your boyfriend does not respect you or your wishes.  It is that simple.  He blatantly disregarded your feelings.  He sounds more like a 21-year-old than a 30-year-old. 
  
  And WTF is his 18-year-old sister doing dating a 16-year-old boy? 

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• Narwhal

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  I think one glass of wine with dinner for a 16 year old is fine, actually.  As long as they're responsible and it stays just one glass.  We've always done that in my family.

  

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• catemeg

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-sister-driving-nuts-way-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9297d985-2f59-4ecf-b3c7-9fab7269903bPost:306bd6a2-1241-4677-8954-2a454e3868ac">Re: BF sister is driving me nuts! Way too long vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]I think one glass of wine with dinner for a 16 year old is fine, actually.  As long as they're responsible and it stays just one glass.  We've always done that in my family.
  Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]
  
  You're totally right, and if I were her mother I might do that.  It's all a matter of preference, and what you feel comfortable with in your own home.  I believe I was about that age when my parents started letting me have wine at special occasions.
  
  This particular 16 year old has been brought back by the cops drunk off her ass, caught with a guy who was booked on drug possession.  So I don't want her drinking in my house.  And in this case, BF totally respected that.

  

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• Narwhal

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Well yeah, that's different.

  

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• **Mutley**

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  I have to reiterate that this isn't a problem with the sister.  This is a problem with the boyfriend. The alcohol issue is just a symptom of a bigger problem. 
  

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• catemeg

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Mutley, I totally agree. 
  
  Perhaps your BFdoesn't realize how big of a problem - sit him down and talk with him about how you need to set house rules together, and that he needs to respect your opinion.  While she's his sister, it's your house.  He doesn't have to be a "cool big brother" by letting her behave badly.  End of story.
  
  I know my boyfriend had a more lackadaisical view on boundaries for his sister in our home, but I let him know that I was not okay with her drinking at our place.  He wants to be the cool big brother, but it put both of us in an awkward situation.  Once he realized not letting his 16 year old sister drink in our house was not acceptable to me, and that he didn't need to win "big brother of the year" award by allowing her to do whatever she wanted, then we were on the same page. I told him it wasn't okay to make me the bad guy, and that we had to have a united perspective on this. 
  
  I think that's very important practice - my parents did that all the time when I was growing up.  If they disagreed on some rule, my brother and I would be removed from the conversation until they could come to a mutual agreement, and then we knew they weren't going to budge.  There was no playing mom-against-dad, and it was a testiment to how strong their communication skills were.  That way it wasn't "Mom will let us!"  or "Dad's a jerk!".  If you guys can't do this, it's a total red flag.
  

  

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• katanne9 member

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-sister-driving-nuts-way-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9297d985-2f59-4ecf-b3c7-9fab7269903bPost:6baffc13-3410-4bba-992f-3e4d2128019c">Re: BF sister is driving me nuts! Way too long vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]He is 30 she is 18 I am 27. they share the same mom,she (his sister) lives with her dad and her step mom. I am sure they do not want her drinking. She is not my sister and that is why at first I let him have the final say. Yes I thought he would make the right choice. I spoke to him when he let her drink once before last night and she was not responsible. I knida had it in my head that it would be ok for her to have one drink as my family would allow us to have the one drink after we were 18. After I knew she was not very responsible about keeping to the one drink I did make it clear she should not drink here again. Then she goes and drinks the bottle or rum and makes it very clear I was thinking right. I know I am not her mom and I should not have even allowed it the one time. I am getting sick of having to play her mom cause she and her step mom keep getting in fights. <strong>I am curently helping her get a job where I work so she can move out. I work in a large company so I should not have to see her at work. I hope i do not regret that. </strong>Sadly this whole situation has made me not want to have her over anymore. I know she looks up to me cause I am kinda like a big sister, I am hoping this whole thing gets under control so I can enjoy having her over every so often again.
  Posted by meamolly[/QUOTE]
  
  Heck NO. I would NOT do this. She's clearly a trainwreck. Do you really want your co-workers and superiors to associate HER with YOUR professional career? It doesn't matter if you don't see her, YOUR recommendation for HER is what will be there.
  
  I would seriously think about this.

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• dwest2201

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  I agree with what Mutley said 100%. 
  
  You need to have a serious conversation with your BF.  At 30 he should be a lot more mature than what he seems to be.  He should be more concerned about your feelings as well as his sisters safety than what he is. 
  

  

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• dwest2201

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Oh hellz no!  There is no way that l I would recommend someone like that at my place of employment...

  

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• meamolly member

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  As I was typing the vent it did get clearer and clearer about how this is not so much about his sister taking advantage of us, but more about how this reveals many things about the relationship. He and I going to talk about this in detail today once he gets home.
  
  It was not a problem before this week end and yes it really bothered me that I told him the day before, the day of, while we were on our way to the picnic an on our way back that I did not want her to drink. He was all for it and then the moment she asks cool brother takes over. I am also still shocked that she asked him after I told her no.
  

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• catemeg

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-sister-driving-nuts-way-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9297d985-2f59-4ecf-b3c7-9fab7269903bPost:7690ca57-f1dc-45b9-a9fa-00b49fdb2c1f">Re: BF sister is driving me nuts! Way too long vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]I am also still shocked that she asked him after I told her no.
  Posted by meamolly[/QUOTE]
  
  She asks because he'll say yes, or that he can't say no, but either way it undermines you.  I'm glad you guys are going to have a conversation, hopefully it really clears up his priorities for him.
  
  I know the pressure guys feel to be the "cool big brother" but they need to know that they can't undermine their significant others, and that there's a reason it's not okay.  I know they don't want to be parenting their siblings, and feel like if they did something as a kid it's okay for their siblings to do it, but really it comes down to giving boundaries to someone who clearly needs them and supporting you as his girlfriend, which needs to be his first priority.

  

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• catemeg

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  P.S.  In regards to teaching 18-year-olds to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, when my brother was a freshman in college he was a football player, so he got wasted a lot at parties, and it was all about getting drunk and blacking out.  He came to visit me while I was studying abroad in Spain, and I took him to a winery to learn to appreciate the taste of wine.  During his trip, we enjoyed some nights out with casual drinking, but no 'blacking out'.  From that day forward, he would have wine with dinner, and learned that there was a difference between appreciating liquor and getting wasted.  He still got drunk at parties, but he realized that blacking out was stupid and dangerous.  To some extent you have to teach by example and casual exposure at the right time.
  

  

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• nefariousmango

  

  June 2010 edited December 2011

  Molly- I agree w/ PPs, but I also think it's a communication issue more than a maturity one.  Make sure he really understands how you feel and why you feel that way, and maybe set up some house rules together that you can both enforce when she's around.
  
  catemeg- I think your wine-tasting with your bro was right on!  My uncle's family owns a winery in Italy and we grew up with lots of really great wine around all the time.  We probably started tasting a little on special occasions as young as 10... All the same, by the time I was 18 I had no interest in tasteless liquor because I *knew* how great alcohol could be when used responsibly!
  
  

  

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