Adoption Fundraising Okay?

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:0c6bc642-13af-4717-9883-215866e88885">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Splitting hairs? Maybe. I see it as nuance, not pointless differentiation. Unlike IVF, the child's here (or on its way) at that point and needs a family. <strong>Many church groups in the U.S., particularly ones who take issue with certain birth control choices, would support the choice to adopt financially and socially.</strong> (Not my stance, but I think we all know there are groups that do). Church fundraising seems pretty inoffensive for this purpose to me. My family didn't fundraise because it was something my parents could afford, but if someone asked for that plate to be passed an extra time for them, we'd give happily.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

Yeah but they won't support the weathy gay couple or perfectly stable single mom or dad that want to adopt. They only want that child to go to someone they deem acceptable. They'd rather the child end up in the system than be placed in a good home regardless of the type of parent.

Again, more of a reason to overhaul the adoption process, and not fundraise for individuals to adopt children.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:3ff59955-1fca-430f-b387-281128f22b69">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Fundraisers are asking for money, no?
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]
Well you said "have to" and a fundraiser is, of course, voluntary.

Megbo2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:6d47e44a-3a2a-4c77-a1c6-4a108c49ffd5">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Well you said "have to" and a fundraiser is, of course, voluntary.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

Just like adoption.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:5756eba6-b5f1-4689-863a-8dfd20af958b">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Yeah but they won't support the weathy gay couple or perfectly stable single mom or dad that want to adopt. They only want that child to go to someone they deem acceptable. They'd rather the child end up in the system than be placed in a good home regardless of the type of parent. Again, more of a reason to overhaul the adoption process, and not fundraise for individuals to adopt children.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
Some churches would take the view you describe, others wouldn't. Still, that seems like more of a political issue than a propriety one: one shouldn't ask their church for help if their church isn't open-minded about who they would raise money for? I guess on a systematic level what you're saying makes sense: if we encourage conservative churches to financially support adoption, they'll disproprotionately bankroll a certain type of family... but if that's what they want to do, I don't think that adds up to an inappropriate request on the part of the adoptive family.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

But you're still asking people to come to the fundraiser aren't you? Hence, asking people to pay for a potential child that may not ever get to come home with you. It doens't matter if the church is sponsoring it or you are hosting it yourself.

If the church wanted to throw a shower once the adoption went through, I'd be the first in line at the store, but the fact is there is no guarantee the adoption will go through or how long it will take.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:f79fd12b-3fb2-4ab2-9c5d-10c35aa7fec9">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Just like adoption.
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]
I'm not trying to say it's not a personal choice, but why is it <em>inappropriate</em> to make a request of a group supportive of a certain choice you're making to help you finance that choice? Kids come to my service club asking for financing for scholarships, putting on service projects, supporting their club or group or sports team all the time. Of course there's nothing inappropriate about it, since we hold ourselves out to be a service club that is supportive of that type of undertaking. Some we fund, some we don't, based on the merits and budget. Don't churches do the same thing?

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:d6a18bcc-080d-48d4-8169-678f64a2625f">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]But you're still asking people to come to the fundraiser aren't you? Hence, asking people to pay for a potential child that may not ever get to come home with you. It doens't matter if the church is sponsoring it or you are hosting it yourself. If the church wanted to throw a shower once the adoption went through, I'd be the first in line at the store, but the fact is there is no guarantee the adoption will go through or how long it will take.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I think that was what the original thread was asking? If it was more appropriate to wait until it was a sure thing, or to do it in advance.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

For me, it's pretty simple. Adoptions are expensive. We all know this. Just like we know that houses and cars are expensive. These are all things that, IMO, people should work hard and save up for if they really want. I think we would all agree that a fundraiser for a house or a car would be super lame. I don't see much difference with adoption. Yes, there is an upside to adoption in that a child gets a home, but that still doesn't make it something that other people should have to fund.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

And I would say that if the couple is so much in it to "save the child" but they don't have money to adopt, then they should become foster parents. I guarantee you that you would have a much bigger impact on a needy child by doing that than adopting a brand new baby (that likely has 10 other couples waiting in line for it).

strlzfan11 · April 2012

I don't see it any differently than it not being ok to ask anyone to finance your wedding. If someone wants to offer, fine, but don't ask people to fund something you can't afford on your own, no matter what the cost is.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:db8a8d0b-a891-4706-b7d3-0ae0f413a788">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]And I would say that if the couple is so much in it to "save the child" but they don't have money to adopt, then they should become foster parents. I guarantee you that you would have a much bigger impact on a needy child by doing that than adopting a brand new baby (that likely has 10 other couples waiting in line for it).
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

ICAM.

Loopyseven · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:db8a8d0b-a891-4706-b7d3-0ae0f413a788">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]And I would say that if the couple is so much in it to "save the child" but they don't have money to adopt, then they should become foster parents. I guarantee you that you would have a much bigger impact on a needy child by doing that than adopting a brand new baby (that likely has 10 other couples waiting in line for it).
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

<div>So true Cew.</div><div>
</div><div>(nice to see you).</div>

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:db8a8d0b-a891-4706-b7d3-0ae0f413a788">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]And I would say that if the couple is so much in it to "save the child" but they don't have money to adopt, then they should become foster parents. I guarantee you that you would have a much bigger impact on a needy child by doing that than adopting a brand new baby (that likely has 10 other couples waiting in line for it).
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Well that's a good point. At least, if it's a non interracial baby.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:ca27c62c-3c58-425a-85eb-dac3f78d2aa7">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : So true Cew. (nice to see you).
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

:) Nice to see you too! Your sig always makes me smile.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:144f96d4-5109-431d-b0f7-9adb6018fbae">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Well that's a good point. At least, if it's a non interracial baby.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

Care to explain? I don't think I'm understanding your meaning behind that last comment.

baystateapple · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:144f96d4-5109-431d-b0f7-9adb6018fbae">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Well that's a good point. At least, if it's a non interracial baby.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]
...What? Plenty of interracial babies are adopted.

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:eaeb0968-d21b-4540-adbd-ed51b4197e3d">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Some churches would take the view you describe, others wouldn't. Still, that seems like more of a political issue than a propriety one: one shouldn't ask their church for help if their church isn't open-minded about who they would raise money for? I guess on a systematic level what you're saying makes sense: if we encourage conservative churches to financially support adoption, they'll disproprotionately bankroll a certain type of family... but if that's what they want to do, I don't think that adds up to an inappropriate request on the part of the adoptive family.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

But what about those that don't adopt because they cannot afford it and aren't willing to stoop to handouts? Everyone who wanted to adopt would be able to if the structure was reformed. That means no state agencies, or agencies that receive public funding, would be allowed to discriminate against potential parents. But that is what's now allowed in the state of VA.

So we have two examples:

1) Homosexual couple with the funds to adopt a child without having to ask for handouts.

2) Heterosexual couple with no funds to adopt a child who has a church and community willing to bankroll their adoption.

Why is it fair that couple number 2 gets to have their baby? Because a church deems them acceptable? Yet couple #1 cannot adopt, regardless of their financial situation, because of their sexual orientation.

I believe there's a poster here, KW, who spoke about looking in to adoption prior to them having their little girl. They would not be elligible to adopt in the state of VA because of their age gap (I think it's 8-10 years) and because they're deemed to be an interracial couple (she's caucasion, he's Korean, I believe).

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:d630edac-c13a-4f5d-acec-405664b8061e">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Care to explain? I don't think I'm understanding your meaning behind that last comment.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

I didn't either at first. I think she means that interacial babies don't have 10 couples waiting for them. I actually don't agree with that statement, but I don't have any facts to back it up.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:8d1f0535-cefb-43d0-8c0a-509040557ded">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : I didn't either at first. I think she means that interacial babies don't have 10 couples waiting for them. I actually don't agree with that statement, but I don't have any facts to back it up.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Based on my family's experience. There was virtually no wait time beyond the background check and the adoption lawyer/social worker said that was typical.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:7fb87940-5f3b-4324-a6ab-bb0996e1c543">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Well no one is suggesting they're sending their friends and family a bill for their share of the adoption. In the original thread, it was a church fundraiser.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>No it wasn't. I am the OP and the thread I came across involved a woman who asked about the timeline for having her shower <em>and </em>her fundraiser. </div>

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:144f96d4-5109-431d-b0f7-9adb6018fbae">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Well that's a good point. At least, if it's a non interracial baby.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

WTF does this mean?

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:f1813b4b-35e8-42c4-8f4d-6add424e36b6">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : No it wasn't. I am the OP and the thread I came across involved a woman who asked about the timeline for having her shower and her fundraiser.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]
Ah, okay. I saw one that said she was trying to time her church fundraiser appropriately.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:234cb324-9eb0-448b-92ea-e4c860f6f0b4">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Based on my family's experience. There was virtually no wait time beyond the background check and the adoption lawyer/social worker said that was typical.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

I still don't really understand what you are trying to say here.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

That makes sense, cew, and I don't agree either. I actually know an interracial couple (who weren't married either btw) who fostered kids for many years. They had all kinds of kids come in and out of their home. I don't know if they're still fostering or not (haven't spoken to them since I moved), but they actually ended up adopting a little girl they received through the foster system when she was 4 weeks old.

kateguess22 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:3812e2ba-caea-401b-a9f8-66ae9f6403f0">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]For me, it's pretty simple. Adoptions are expensive. We all know this. Just like we know that houses and cars are expensive. These are all things that, IMO, people should work hard and save up for if they really want. I think we would all agree that a fundraiser for a house or a car would be super lame. I don't see much difference with adoption. Yes, there is an upside to adoption in that a child gets a home, but that still doesn't make it something that other people should have to fund.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I think that it is easy to compare an adoption to someone buying a house or a car. But it is different. When your friend wants to adopt a child and become a parent it's different than when she tells you that she wants a mustang convertible, a timeshare in Mexico, or a walk-in closet. The child is not going to be their newest possession or status symbol. Close friends and family will likely have strong feelings about you adopting similar to if you were able to conceive naturally. The only similarity is between the house and the adoption is that both are expensive,

I'm definitely not saying that people outside of the couple need to contribute financially to the adoption. But I'd be way more likely to tell my girlfriend who is trying to adopt "Hey let's organize a garage sale. I have a lot of things that I don't need anymore and I'd be happy to put it towards the adoption." than I would ever be to say that about her desire to buy a convertible.

Megbo2012 · April 2012

Also, scholarships are generally merit based or earned. Someone decided to donate X dollars and if a student writes an exemplary essay or whatever, they get it. Or they come from the government. Why do you think interracial babies don't get adopted ever?

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:e710c6c7-0e2b-48b1-8a9d-b791bb1d57f2">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : I still don't really understand what you are trying to say here.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
That interracial children, according to the people involved with my family's adoption, are harder to place and therefore there aren't 10 other families waiting on one newborn. But I also don't have the statistics to back it up, that's just what we were told.

Megbo2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:a49bbc2e-9766-4fe0-9da1-fcbe443f53ba">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : I think that it is easy to compare an adoption to someone buying a house or a car. But it is different. When your friend wants to adopt a child and become a parent it's different than when she tells you that she wants a mustang convertible, a timeshare in Mexico, or a walk-in closet. The child is not going to be their newest possession or status symbol. Close friends and family will likely have strong feelings about you adopting similar to if you were able to conceive naturally. The only similarity is between the house and the adoption is that both are expensive, I'm definitely not saying that people outside of the couple need to contribute financially to the adoption. But I'd be way more likely to tell my girlfriend who is trying to adopt "Hey let's organize a garage sale. I have a lot of things that I don't need anymore and I'd be happy to put it towards the adoption." than I would ever be to say that about her desire to buy a convertible.
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

Who said anything about a walk in closet? FFS not everyone who is in the housing market is looking for a status symbol. I think many are looking for a permanent roof over their head. Which is also something people "need" and not a luxury.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:a49bbc2e-9766-4fe0-9da1-fcbe443f53ba">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : I think that it is easy to compare an adoption to someone buying a house or a car. But it is different. When your friend wants to adopt a child and become a parent it's different than when she tells you that she wants a mustang convertible, a timeshare in Mexico, or a walk-in closet. The child is not going to be their newest possession or status symbol. Close friends and family will likely have strong feelings about you adopting similar to if you were able to conceive naturally. The only similarity is between the house and the adoption is that both are expensive, I'm definitely not saying that people outside of the couple need to contribute financially to the adoption. But I'd be way more likely to tell my girlfriend who is trying to adopt "Hey let's organize a garage sale. I have a lot of things that I don't need anymore and I'd be happy to put it towards the adoption." than I would ever be to say that about her desire to buy a convertible.
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

That's your perception of it. I guarantee you that not everyone feels that way. If I had a friend that wanted to adopt, I would be more than happy for them, but they should not ask for my help in paying for it.

The only difference in the car vs. home scenarios are the end result. One is a car, one is a house, and one is a child. What if the friend really needs a car? Who said anything about the car being a status symbol? Maybe they need the car to get to work? Or a home because they are homeless? I think I would be much more willing to help a friend get a car or a home in those scenarios than I would to help them get a baby.

kateguess22 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:14ae147c-c74c-4ed5-8317-079651b7f3f4">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Who said anything about a walk in closet? FFS not everyone who is in the housing market is looking for a status symbol. I think many are looking for a permanent roof over their head. Which is also something people "need" and not a luxury.
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

That is a good point. I shouldn't compare buying a house to a walk-in closet either. I still hesitiate to compare adopting a human being to the purchase of anything, including a house.

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