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Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?

andra loves andreandra loves andre
100 Comments
in Attire & Accessories Forum
We're having a ceremony at the venue where we're also having the reception. We've never been particulary religous, but we are spiritual. We were/are planning on wearing wedding attire (me in a white dress, him in a tux) to the ceremony (which will obviously not be in a church, but we will have a spiritual officiant).

FMIL is really mad about this, and says that since we're not "a real bride or a real groom", we shouldn't bother "pretending to be by wearing such clothing". Moreover, she says what we are having is just a "party", not a "wedding" since it's not at a church.

In your opinion, would it be weird to wear wedding attire in our case, or not? Thank you!
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Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?

  • L&J2012L&J2012 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited January 2012
    We're not having a wedding in a church and our wedding is just as real as any in a church. Wear wedding attire because it's the one day in your life that you can, your FMIL is rude for saying that.

    Our wedding's more on the casual side, but I still have a white bridal gown and my bridesmaids have dresses and the groom and the groomsmen will be wearing suits.
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  • SouthernHoneybeeSouthernHoneybee
    10 Comments
    edited January 2012

    I'm not getting married in a church. I'm getting married in my backyard and having my reception there also. But wewill have a Christian ceremony. Just because it's not in a church doesn't mean it's not a wedding. Tell your FMIL to go stuff herself and enjoy your wedding day the way you want to. Wear the dress, say your vows and celebrate. If that's what you want, do it. It's no one else's day but you and your future husband's.

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  • PeavyPeavy member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    That is complete B.S.  Not all weddings take place in a church.  Sounds like she's just mad because she wants you to get married ina  church.  By her thinking, Jewish marriages aren't real weddings because they don't take place in a church.

    DD got married at her venue, with a judge performing the ceremony, and believe me, it was a real wedding.
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  • adktd2bootsadktd2boots member
    1000 Comments
    So if someone is an Atheist and gets married in a park, their marriage isn't real?

    Just like PP, we aren't getting married in a church.  We don't attend church so it would be less "real" to me to be a phony churchgoer for the sake of the wedding. 

    A church is ONLY a building.  Many "churches" meet in high school gymnasiums and movie theaters because they don't have a building to call their own.  Does that make them less religious and not real because of the location? 

    You're having a wedding.  Wear a dress. Wear a tux.  Wear what you think it appropriate for a bride and groom to wear to a wedding.  Are you having a party afterwards, yes.  But it would be the same if the ceremony were being held in a church.
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:fbaad998-27cc-4dba-a635-e52e0d5c1ef4">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not getting married in a church. I'm getting married in my backyard and having my reception there also. But wewill have a Christian ceremony. Just because it's not in a church doesn't mean it's not a wedding. Tell your FMIL to go stuff herself and enjoy your wedding day the way you want to. Wear the dress, say your vows and celebrate. If that's what you want, do it. It's no one else's day but you and your future husband's.
    Posted by SouthernHoneybee[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's what I keep saying... a church is only one of many ways to have a wedding. But then she brought up that a white dress is a Christian thing, to which I brought up the history of Queen Victoria wearing it (before it was a religious thing), and she said that "it doesn't matter, because that's not how people think now. You either are a bride or you're not- if you go to a church you're a bride, if you don't you're just legally married." She was being so harsh and her words stung so badly...</div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:ad180823-e530-4943-9636-fc89d14b93c5">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're not having a wedding in a church and our wedding is just as real as any in a church. Wear wedding attire because it's the one day in your life that you can, your FMIL is rude for saying that. Our wedding's more on the casual side, but I still have a white bridal gown and my bridesmaids have dresses and the groom and the groomsmen will be wearing suits.
    Posted by L&J2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think she was really harsh, and rude, for suggesting all those things, too. I feel like we were too nice when we gave her room to have some say in the wedding, and now she thinks that she can make changes and say such things just because it reflects her beliefs.</div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:200b69b0-7633-47ce-b4ed-6034acc1a797">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]That is complete B.S.  Not all weddings take place in a church.  Sounds like she's just mad because she wants you to get married ina  church.  By her thinking, Jewish marriages aren't real weddings because they don't take place in a church. DD got married at her venue, with a judge performing the ceremony, and believe me, it was a real wedding.
    Posted by Peavy[/QUOTE]

    <div>I keep trying to tell her that weddings aren't exclusive to churches, too. It seems like she thinks they are, and that you should not wear a white dress (and for some reason, especially not any form of veil) unless you go to a church. The worst part is that she will not budge AT ALL!</div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:8e18d405-9bf1-479a-abc3-97f84ea27337">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So if someone is an Atheist and gets married in a park, their marriage isn't real? Just like PP, we aren't getting married in a church.  We don't attend church so it would be less "real" to me to be a phony churchgoer for the sake of the wedding.  A church is ONLY a building.  Many "churches" meet in high school gymnasiums and movie theaters because they don't have a building to call their own.  Does that make them less religious and not real because of the location?  You're having a wedding.  Wear a dress. Wear a tux.  Wear what you think it appropriate for a bride and groom to wear to a wedding.  Are you having a party afterwards, yes.  But it would be the same if the ceremony were being held in a church.
    Posted by adktd2boots[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>She seems to make this distinction: "wedding= church. married=anything else. You can get married anywhere, and be legally married anything, but you are NOT a bride. A bride wears white because she goes to a church, and therefore has a WEDDING." That's literally the message she sent me on skype.

    </div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:43aa4692-45a7-4c0e-8ae7-d61d878d5ef6">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : That would have bothered me a lot also. I'm sorry she said that to you.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for the symparhy edielaura :) It bothered both me and my mom so much that we couldn't sleep until 6am, we just kept talking and rehashing the situation. </div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:1f7d895d-31d0-4136-8dd3-c233847041bf">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : What about Jewish weddings? ;-) 
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>I asked her about other cultures and religions that use the white dress, and her response was horrible. she basically said "they each do what they try to pretend to be brides, but the white dress is only traditional in Christianity"</div>
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  • pgcppgcp member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    Your fmil is crazy pants.  Your best bet is to recognize she is crazy pants and treat her as such.  Don't discuss wedding plans with her.  If she asks about something just let her know that everything is being taken care of.  If she make some sort of claim about what you can or should do, simple say "We'll consider that", then consider it for exactly .00102 seconds.   
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:cf83de06-0f43-4c4d-a118-f353fb0fe65d">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Whoa!  I would love to know to what church your FMIL belongs!
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    <div>She's Romanian-Orthodox, similar to Greek-Orthodox religion. So are we (my family, his family, and fh and I), but we're not nearly as religous as her.</div>
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  • adktd2bootsadktd2boots member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:d85ed72d-2bcd-47aa-b7a4-80367b6fc01c">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : She seems to make this distinction: "wedding= church. married=anything else. You can get married anywhere, and be legally married anything, but you are NOT a bride. A bride wears white because she goes to a church, and therefore has a WEDDING." That's literally the message she sent me on skype.
    Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

    Tell her it's not white, it's alabaster.

    And do you think your guests will be walking around saying "well she's not a real bride"?  She'll look like the asss if she's the one who does that.  Don't budge!
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:7afb68ef-51e7-4683-a777-977d18659583">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your fmil is crazy pants.  Your best bet is to recognize she is crazy pants and treat her as such.  Don't discuss wedding plans with her.  If she asks about something just let her know that everything is being taken care of.  If she make some sort of claim about what you can or should do, simple say "We'll consider that", then consider it for exactly .00102 seconds.   
    Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is what my mother was saying, too. She told me to stop emailing her details and such that we decide on, because if she can't understand that being included in the planning is a favour and not a right, then she will be treated like an honoured guest at most.</div>
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  • amk1310amk1310
    10 Comments

    Sounds like she's being pretty awful.  I'd probably say that half of the weddings I've ever attended have NOT been held in a church, and they were lovely.  Bride in the white dress, groom in a tux or a suit.  I'm doing the same in June.  We just find an outdoor setting more beautful and "us", especially since we are spiritual but don't attend church every week or anything.  Plus we get to have the reception at the same venue, which is a bonus!

    I'd tell her that you made up your mind, that you're sorry if it's not what she was envisioning, but that you feel like it's right for you and your FI.  And if she pushes it again, I might even tell her that it is somewhat hurtful (what she's saying), and that it'd mean a lot if she just accept your plans since you do look forward to her being a part of it.

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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:861ab8f3-80e4-44ad-9007-0ff377badb30">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : If someone said that to me, that would have made me really angry. (I'm Jewish).  I think you are correct about the white dress thing, not her.  So I don't know where she's getting this from.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>I could understand why you'd be offended, since it's pretty much why I feel offended. Seems like her category on what constitues a bride has to do with the location of the marriage, not the belief or the traditions that the person upholds.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think she's so stubborn that she'll say anything to try to pressure us into going to a church.</div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:9031a2e6-b6d7-4f9b-b7f1-b25934f50bbb">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : Tell her it's not white, it's alabaster. And do you think your guests will be walking around saying "well she's not a real bride"?  She'll look like the asss if she's the one who does that.  Don't budge!
    Posted by adktd2boots[/QUOTE]

    <div>Hahahhahahah I love the "it's not white, it's alabaster!" idea! I should definitely do that! I think her eyes would pop out of her head!</div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:3d825290-2f5c-4b14-8c16-37aeb675bd42">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like she's being pretty awful.  I'd probably say that half of the weddings I've ever attended have NOT been held in a church, and they were lovely.  Bride in the white dress, groom in a tux or a suit.  I'm doing the same in June.  We just find an outdoor setting more beautful and "us", especially since we are spiritual but don't attend church every week or anything.  Plus we get to have the reception at the same venue, which is a bonus! I'd tell her that you made up your mind, that you're sorry if it's not what she was envisioning, but that you feel like it's right for you and your FI.  And if she pushes it again, I might even tell her that it is somewhat hurtful (what she's saying), and that it'd mean a lot if she just accept your plans since you do look forward to her being a part of it.
    Posted by amk1310[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I think that's a good idea... when fh comes home this weekend we'll tell her this together. I thought everything we planned was lovely and perfect for us, and her accusations really burst my bubble :(</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for the advice, we really will take it!

    </div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:1debf834-a8e5-4ff0-a122-6718238d8c62">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : That is just so weird.  I wonder why it's so important to her.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>Simply because that's how she had her wedding. She's admitted that the reason why is because that's how she did it, and that's how everyone she knows did it.</div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:fee560fd-eeae-4be9-80e7-424432986e1f">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church? : Well that's a little bit silly. Just because she did doesn't mean you have to (which you obviously know).  I agree with whoever said not to let her know *everything* that's going on.  It might give her less to complain about.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think the new plan will surely be not telling her too many details, unless she can prove that she can handle them. I don't want to continue arguing like crazy about preferences and harsh words. (she even called our wedding "commerical" and me "spoiled" at quite a few points, in front of my mom!)</div>
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  • L&J2012L&J2012 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:ed96208a-2c97-4e26-9c57-22b38e27f2ac">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>L&J, could you try to make your (very nice) sig pic smaller?  It's a little big. ETA: Much better, it's a great picture! </strong>And OP, your FMIL it just silly.  Of course it's a real wedding, even if it's not at a church.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    Sorry about that! Realized after I posted it that it was way too big and removed it to make it smaller. Guess you saw it in the 30 seconds it was up there. And thanks!
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  • L&J2012L&J2012 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    It did, but I think the issue was resolved.
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:c19dbae8-7f1f-4805-aac3-40ccd1633ef3">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think TK ate this post.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>seems like it most definitely did! I thought it was something I did wrong... hope it wasn't!</div><div>
    </div><div>Glad to see the ladies on here did not consider it weird if we were to wear wedding attire, as we really want to!</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for all the support, ladies!</div>
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  • kateguess22kateguess22 member
    100 Comments
    Yes andra I never commented on this but I really want you to know that I 100% support you and I feel badly that you are dealing with this issue. I'm glad you are going to wear what you want to.
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:4f7f8228-8890-45a3-aa0b-5ea880ff5e35">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes andra I never commented on this but I really want you to know that I 100% support you and I feel badly that you are dealing with this issue. I'm glad you are going to wear what you want to.
    Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thank you, Kate!</div><div>
    </div><div>It's so amazing to have an online community that can help out with these things! </div>
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  • andra loves andreandra loves andre
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-wedding-attire-because-ceremony-isnt-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:61409ca4-7198-4042-8551-0efe9051d6eePost:23de6533-273e-45c1-a9fe-5b6ea88ec374">Re: Not wearing wedding attire because the ceremony isn't in a church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well I guess it's not coming back.  I thought there was a chance. I hope you remember what we said :-) Andra, if you didn't see on Chit Chat, you can check your Private Messages on the lefthand side down the page a little/
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>i figured it out, thanks to you! i had a couple messages waiting for me :)</div>
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