Creative ways to ask..

Kirsti44 · December 2009

I have a few people still left to ask to be a part of the wedding day: Ceremonial reading, flower girls, and personal attendants. I've already started a "Tradition" of buying flowers for my maids and writing a nice card. I like the way this works but the people left to ask are people that I won't be seeing in the near future. Is a phone call sufficient or tacky? I need something cheap/free to finish asking people. The flower girls live in SC and I won't be seeing them until this summer - which is still almost a year before the wedding but I want to get plans out of the way, since I'm a student and will be Student Teaching the few months before the wedding. Basically, all plans need to be set in stone by the end of this summer.
Lots of info that you may not need, but I'd appreciate the help

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Pick up the phone, tell them how much they mean to you and how important it is that they be there when you get married, and ask them to do whatever.

And for the love of god, don't ask anyone to be your personal attendant. Asking someone to work for you is not an honor.

trix1223 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_creative-ways-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e63f0833-5321-41d7-ac44-7f5c68f1a935Post:f775f673-5dab-48b7-b0bf-75fefcf0573b">Creative ways to ask..</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a few people still left to ask to be a part of the wedding day: Ceremonial reading, flower girls, and personal attendants. I've already started a "Tradition" of buying flowers for my maids and writing a nice card. I like the way this works but the people left to ask are people that I won't be seeing in the near future. Is a phone call sufficient or tacky? I need something cheap/free to finish asking people. The flower girls live in SC and I won't be seeing them until this summer - which is still almost a year before the wedding but I want to get plans out of the way, since I'm a student and will be Student Teaching the few months before the wedding. Basically, all plans need to be set in stone by the end of this summer. Lots of info that you may not need, but I'd appreciate the help :)
Posted by Kirsti44[/QUOTE]

Ditto pp: pick up the phone and call the readers. Ask the parents of the FGs, and if they agreeable, then ask the little girls.

Remember, the honor is in BEING asked, not in HOW you're asked.

And super ditto the Personal Attendants. How do you say to someone: " I don't really want you as a bridesmaid, so instead I'm going to let you be my go-fer, my servant, ALL DAY LONG.

"Instead of visiting with your friends before the wedding, I'm going to have you running errands, and doing stuff for me. My real friends will be getting into their dresses and laughing with me and having their pictures taken."

"And then, during the ceremony, my real friends will be standing up with me in front of all of our guests. And then during the reception, when everyone else is dancing and socializing, you can be bringing me drinks, and holding up my dress while I pee!"

"ISN'T THAT JUST AWESOME???"

Why on earth anyone would ask someone to be a "personal assistant" is beyond me. You're not a CEO of a company on your wedding day, nor a red carpet celebrity. You don't need a PA.

Okay ::steps gently off my soapbox and backs away::

SarahPLiz · December 2009

SO you are starting a tradition? How many times are you planning to get married and ask a wedding party?

banana468 · December 2009

As others said, it's not HOW you ask but that you're asking.

Unless personal attendant though is something that's a very cultural thing, please don't ask someone to be one. It's sort of like a 2nd class BM.

blackfire5th · December 2009

Ditto PP. Also, I know you are excited and really worried about planning and teaching, but you can really wait another 6 months before worrying about anything that has to do with the wedding party.

emilyinchile · December 2009

Ditto black. I understand using your free time now to firm up actual plans - like vendors or color schemes or whatever. But you don't have to plan for FGs or readers. You just ask, and if they say yes you're done until the rehearsal.

Also, it sounds like you've already asked your BP. Please take a second to read through some of the posts on this board of people who asked a long way out like you did and are now having drama. Most of it stems from having crazy high expectations of how excited their BMs "should" be for a year plus engagement. If you can avoid the wedding industry bullsh*t of BMs=slaves/yes-men, you will hopefully avoid all the drama associated with having asked early.

duckie1905 · December 2009

Please don't ask people to be your unpaid labor on your wedding day, aka personal attendant. No matter how you say "Please do my bidding all day so you miss out on enjoying the wedding while you run around and fetch me things" it isn't going to be special or any kind of honor.

Kirsti44 · December 2009

Honestly, the PA is going to be "slave labor." And maybe that's my fault for not explaining it but I didn't honestly see a point in it - until a lot of people got semi-offended. I just don't want a large wedding party but I wanted to "honor" my two great friends. I'm not planning on having them doing anything besides show up early and get ready with everyone. If they decide to go beyond that, then I'd love it but that's not what I'd ask of them.
As for the tradition part, a meant that I've asked my bridesmaids in a specific way and stuck with it. I didn't just do a phone call because that's not personal and I feel it's pretty tacky
--I really do appreciate the feedback. I'd never want to offend these girls, they've helped me grow in so many ways.
Is there another position I could ask of my friends? I don't want them to think that they're second-hand bridesmaids but I'm having such a small wedding that 6 BMs would just be crazy. I've considered asking the people who I'm planning on having reading to be in the WP and then having my girls do the readings- since they're great spiritual leaders in my life. I just don't really want any more than 4 BM but I may give in just because I want the people who are special in my life to be recognized.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

If you want to honor them with a special place, ask them to be BMs. Sides don't need to be even or proportionate to the number of guests.

If they aren't important enough to be BMs, let them be guests. Guest is an honor, too. You can still ask them to get ready with you if they are guests.

kschumann1 · September 2013

Why is being a personal attendant an insult?! It should be an honor. Someone thought enough of you to have you be a part of their wedding. Why is everything about the "title" you are given. You do everything a bridesmaid does and you don't have to endure the costs (dress, makeup, hair), you still get to be with the party all day, take photos with them, be on the bus, etc. If someone is more insulted about the title they have been given, then maybe they shouldn't even be invited let alone be in the wedding party. It's not a bitch job at all. People need to get over themselves and remember who this day is supposed to be about.....THE BRIDE AND GROOM! Not some chick who is worried about her feelings getting hurt b/c the title she received over another.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

Hurray. Nothing I'd rather do than be the bride's bitch-for-the-day, which is what the personal attendant really is. And why on earth did you dig up an almost 4 year old thread to say this?

Jen4948 · September 2013

Another zombie thread.

There's no "honor" in being asked to be a personal servant for the day...let alone a position titled "bitch" for a day.

The word "bitch" has some really negative connotations, and I at least wouldn't want to identified as such. It's also not "cute," "funny," "clever," "unique," "original," or "creative."

Viczaesar · September 2013

kschumann1 said:

Why is being a personal attendant an insult?! It should be an honor. Someone thought enough of you to have you be a part of their wedding. Why is everything about the "title" you are given. You do everything a bridesmaid does and you don't have to endure the costs (dress, makeup, hair), you still get to be with the party all day, take photos with them, be on the bus, etc. If someone is more insulted about the title they have been given, then maybe they shouldn't even be invited let alone be in the wedding party. It's not a bitch job at all. People need to get over themselves and remember who this day is supposed to be about.....THE BRIDE AND GROOM! Not some chick who is worried about her feelings getting hurt b/c the title she received over another.

You bumped a four year old thread to give shitty, self-centered advice?

SLS+DLG · July 2014

Wow. Ignore all of these people. My sister and I were asked to be personal attendants in our cousin's wedding and it was far from an insult. I would have never expected to be in the wedding... we're not THAT close. However, we were so glad to be included in her special day. Besides, YOU'RE the bride... you can do whatever you want! My fiancé and I each have 7 people standing next to us... plus two ushers... already more than we wanted... most limos around here don't hold more than 18 max so we were already pushing our limit, therefore I asked a family member that I wanted to include to be my personal attendant. Being a personal attendant does not mean you have to be someone's "b*tch". It's what the bride makes it. I'm going to have mine do some communicating between the guys and girls since her husband is the best man and since my fiancé and I don't want to see each other before the ceremony. I'll probably have her do random small things that day that I think of... but really the reason I asked her was to have her be with us and feel included. Any mature woman would understand that not every single person somewhat close to the bride can be a bridesmaid. You have to cut it off somewhere. Enjoy your planning and remember it's your day (and your fiance of course)!

AddieCake · July 2014

@SLS+DLG This post is 5 years old, so the OP, who has not been active in years, will be ignoring you as well.

JoanE2012 · July 2014

SLS+DLG said:

Wow. Ignore all of these people. My sister and I were asked to be personal attendants in our cousin's wedding and it was far from an insult. I would have never expected to be in the wedding... we're not THAT close. However, we were so glad to be included in her special day. Besides, YOU'RE the bride... you can do whatever you want! My fiancé and I each have 7 people standing next to us... plus two ushers... already more than we wanted... most limos around here don't hold more than 18 max so we were already pushing our limit, therefore I asked a family member that I wanted to include to be my personal attendant. Being a personal attendant does not mean you have to be someone's "b*tch". It's what the bride makes it. I'm going to have mine do some communicating between the guys and girls since her husband is the best man and since my fiancé and I don't want to see each other before the ceremony. I'll probably have her do random small things that day that I think of... but really the reason I asked her was to have her be with us and feel included. Any mature woman would understand that not every single person somewhat close to the bride can be a bridesmaid. You have to cut it off somewhere. Enjoy your planning and remember it's your day (and your fiance of course)!

So basically you want a day of coordinator but don't want to pay for it so you enlist someone to do that slave work for free? How nice of you!

If everyone else was a bridesmaid and I was a "personal assistant", I'd feel like I wasn't good enough for a bridesmaid. Don't put people in that position. They may not tell you for fear of hurting your feelings (and maybe YOU don't mind), but trust me, most people don't want that "job".

As an adult, I feel very included just being invited to the wedding as a guest. Just let me attend and enjoy myself.

ohannabelle · July 2014

Readers will notice that, unlike wine, bad ideas don't improve after several years.

My take- don't honor someone by making them your unpaid servant, and wine is a good idea.

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