Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bache

Neontiger83 · February 2012

So I had my bachelorette party on Saturday evening and one of my bridesmaid's creepy boyfriend's decided to tag along (as he always does). I didn't make an issue of it because he was the designated driver. Well at the end of the night he decided to put an ice cube down my shirt and just happen to graze my right breast slowly with his fingers. I was quite shocked and my bridesmaid just laughed it off. I didn't really say anything because they had planned the party for me but now that I think about it I feel totally violated. I called my groom crying and he wants the guy kicked off the guest list. So do my family and the rest of my bridal party. I don't know what to do at this point, I feel if I kick him off the guest list my bridesmaid will be offended and not some.

Celles · February 2012

Remove him from the guest list. If your bridesmaid has a problem with it, she can remove herself as well.

Unwelcome sexual contact is a valid reason to break etiquette rules.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

Okay, was this creepy? Yes. I totally understand you feeling negative about this guy. But is it worth possibly blowing up your relationship with the bridesmaid? If you un-invite him to the wedding, you run a serious risk of her refusing to come as well, and being really, really hurt to boot. Basically, you will be ruining your relationship with this girl over this incident. That is a valid choice to make - you can decide that creeper boyfriend is too much for you, and you can't handle being her friend while she's with him - but understand that that's the choice you're making and be prepared to deal with the repercussions.

SilverSarahB · February 2012

The first thing ou need to do is go to your bridesmaid and make it a serious issue: from her perspective, it happened and it was no big deal. She laughed it off, so in her mind it's water under the bridge. You need to let her know that you are NOT laughing it off, that it made you incredibly uncomfortable, and you feel violated. She needs to know that, so that if she doesn't bring up the idea of leaving him behind for the wedding (which any good friend would, by the way) then it at least won't be out of the blue when you say he is no longer invited.

I do think that feeling physically violated by someone is a reason for them not to attend, and honestly, if your bridesmaid isn't okay with it then she couldn't come either. You can always stress that you really want HER to come because she has always been a good friend, but ultimately, it's your choice to uninvite him and it's HER choice to come or not.

GretchenLaRoux · February 2012

I promise you if someone touched my boob at my bachelorette party, that person would not be at my wedding. And if my bridesmaid had a problem with it, she can stay home, too. Hell to the no.

achiduck · February 2012

Remove him from the guest list and talk to your BM. It is not ok that she just laughed this off.

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

Ew, what a slezoid! I think he majorly crossed the line. Did your BM laugh because she didn't realize he touched your breast? I would be inclined to not invite him. And if your BM doesn't show up to your wedding because of it, so be it. I would explain to her, if she asks, that her bf touched you inappropraitely and you do not feel comfortable around him. I don't think I would want to keep someone as a friend if they think its funny that their bf groped me in public.

eorea · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:cfa99ad0-0421-425a-92a7-2331838840d9">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Remove him from the guest list. If your bridesmaid has a problem with it, she can remove herself as well. Unwelcome sexual contact is a valid reason to break etiquette rules.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. I would feel really uncomfortable and not want to be around this person. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I also wouldn't care about causing a rift with the bridesmaid. If one of my friends thought it was okay that her boyfriend inappropriately touched my breast, I wouldn't want her as a friend anyway. </div>

AllAboutTheBenjamin · February 2012

Um, if one of my friend's boyfriends did that and she laughed it off, I'd definitely re-evaluate my friendship with her.

And no, I wouldn't invite the boyfriend, relationship with the bridesmaid be damned.

lyndausvi · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:cb32036d-5e9e-49a9-913b-1a95495cf165">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party... : I would be equally bothered by the fact that your friend laughed this off.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>Well I think it would depend on the touch. Slowly purposely touching her breast is one thing. The OP reacting to ice being put down her shirt maybe causing the touch is another. I was not there and I don't know what the BM saw. For all we know all she saw was the ice going down the shirt and reaction, which if she had been drinking could be funny. Her watching him purposely and sexually touch her would not be something to laugh off.</div><div>
</div><div>Regardless the OP felt violated and should not have this BF there is she does not want. If the BM chooses not to come also, so be it. All decisions good or bad come with consequences. Only you can decide if it's worth them or not.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA - un-intentionally causing the touch. If someone put ice down my shirt I would jumping around, which could cause a touch that might not have happened otherwise. </div>

mari0225 · February 2012

I would talk to her, and if she laughs it off, then she would not be a friend or BM of mine. That was completely inappropriate of him. I would disinvite him, I wouldn't want him there and I know my FI wouldn't.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

Is this out of character for him?

Neontiger83 · February 2012

Thank you everyone, he wasn't intoxicated when he did it. I guess my BM didn't mind because "they're in an open relationship"

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:855b1f26-050e-43f6-8023-66a368160fb4">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, was this creepy? Yes. I totally understand you feeling negative about this guy. But is it worth possibly blowing up your relationship with the bridesmaid? If you un-invite him to the wedding, you run a serious risk of her refusing to come as well, and being really, really hurt to boot. Basically, you will be ruining your relationship with this girl over this incident. That is a valid choice to make - you can decide that creeper boyfriend is too much for you, and you can't handle being her friend while she's with him - but understand that that's the choice you're making and be prepared to deal with the repercussions.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Usually I nod along with you, but this one I disagree with TBH.

OP, by just letting it go, you are showing that guy that random, unwanted sexual touches are okay and they're not. Your friend most likely has a lot more issues going on in her relationship (and maybe life) if she is just laughing this off, and I'd bet a million dolars this isn't a one time thing. he wasn't drunk, so you can't blame it on the alcohol.

mari0225 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:3bd140cd-0e96-42be-9717-642fd50a2b22">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone, he wasn't intoxicated when he did it. I guess my BM didn't mind because "they're in an open relationship"
Posted by Neontiger83[/QUOTE]

But that still doesn't make it okay. He touched you without your wanting it and that's never okay.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:a9714568-1f4f-4bd7-af9b-bb7181e78394">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party... : But that still doesn't make it okay. He touched you without your wanting it and that's never okay.
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Even if this guy was single, he wouldn't be getting an invitation to my wedding if he did this to me.

Neontiger83 · February 2012

I have no idea how to word uninviting him, does anyone have an idea?

AllAboutTheBenjamin · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:1653e2ec-8ece-484c-b898-87cbea6cb402">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no idea how to word uninviting him, does anyone have an idea?
Posted by Neontiger83[/QUOTE]

Have you already sent him an invitation? If so, call him and tell him he is no longer welcome. If not, don't send him an invitation.

polichik · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:1653e2ec-8ece-484c-b898-87cbea6cb402">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no idea how to word uninviting him, does anyone have an idea?
Posted by Neontiger83[/QUOTE]

I need to echo everyone else in saying that what he did is unacceptable, and a friend who laughs at something like that is not a friend to you. I'm appalled at the pair of them.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to her face-to-face, I'd probably send her an email that says something like:
Jane, I'm writing to you to let you know that FI and I have decided that your boyfriend Joe is not welcome at our wedding. He behaved incredibly inappropriately at my bachelorette party, and I do not feel comfortable around him. I would still like for you to attend the wedding without Joe. If you would like to talk about this further, please let me know.

josephwedding · February 2012

OP, that is horrible. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. How disgusting.. *hugs*

And just because they're "in an open relationship" doesn't make this okay at all.

SilverSarahB · February 2012

If he is a "plus one" to your BM, I think I would probably send her a note or talk to her saying "Because of his behavior at the bachelorette party, fiance and I are no longer comfortable hosting him at our wedding. So, he is no longer invited. I would still be honored for you to be my Bridesmaid, and we will reserve a "plus one" space for you if you'd like to find another friend to bring." If she doesn't want to come, then she doesn't want to come. My reasoning being that he is her guest to deal with (and make sure he doesn't come). Additionally, perhaps inviting her to bring another plus-one will be a reason for her to come, and will show her that you're not tyring to make his behavior an issue between the two of you.

Then again, I have been told many times that my first-thought is usually not in line with ettiquette.

dogsandfrogs · February 2012

I give you props for saying you're just going to uninvite him, because if someone were to touch me like that there would be broken fingers involved.

As for wording, I think your best bet would be to talk to your bridesmaid about the situation and tell her you don't feel comfortable inviting him to the wedding. If she really is a close friend for you, regardless of whether or not she laughed it off, I'd like to think she'd recognize that you are incredibly uncomfortable with his presence and that she'd take care of it. Then you just go about NOT sending him an invitation.

mari0225 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:f196ff21-d9ea-4386-a71c-71afeb3e7688">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Damn. 2 times my post was eaten. Again, if the others show up I will delete all but one. Call up your BM. "BM, after your boyfriends unwanted and unwarranted sexual touch at my bachelorette party, FI and I do not feel comfortable with him at the wedding. "I hope you are still able to be my BM as your friendship means a lot to me." (If you still want her as a BM.) OR "I really don't feel comfortable that you felt that this was appropriate from him. Because that you felt it was okay for him to do that, I feel our friendship isn't what it once was." (I am having a hard time of what to say to talk to her about the inappropriateness. Maybe someone else has a better plan than I do.)
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

I agree with this and the other posters above as well, I honestly would have a hard still being her friend, but that's just me.

mari0225 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:f196ff21-d9ea-4386-a71c-71afeb3e7688">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Damn. 2 times my post was eaten. Again, if the others show up I will delete all but one. Call up your BM. "BM, after your boyfriends unwanted and unwarranted sexual touch at my bachelorette party, FI and I do not feel comfortable with him at the wedding. "I hope you are still able to be my BM as your friendship means a lot to me." (If you still want her as a BM.) OR "I really don't feel comfortable that you felt that this was appropriate from him. Because that you felt it was okay for him to do that, I feel our friendship isn't what it once was." (I am having a hard time of what to say to talk to her about the inappropriateness. Maybe someone else has a better plan than I do.)
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

My post was eaten....I said that I agree with this and that honestly I would have a hard time still being her friend but maybe that's just me.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:295e8531-2c78-4462-a81b-2284a11976b7">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party... : Usually I nod along with you, but this one I disagree with TBH. OP, by just letting it go, you are showing that guy that random, unwanted sexual touches are okay and they're not. Your friend most likely has a lot more issues going on in her relationship (and maybe life) if she is just laughing this off, and I'd bet a million dolars this isn't a one time thing. he wasn't drunk, so you can't blame it on the alcohol.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

To be clear, I wasn't trying to advocate just letting it go. She absolutely should have a stern talk with him and, more importanly, with the bridesmaid. My only point was that she needs to evaluate whether this offense was serious enough to end her relationship with her friend over.

I've had friends date skeezoids, and usually, it means my friend is really in trouble, and needs her friends more than ever. I personally will (and have) gone to great lengths to <em>avoid</em> severing those friendships, since in my experience, it usually just pushed the friend further into the loser's arms. I'm not saying that's the right choice for the OP - it probably isn't - but I just wanted to make it clear that this isn't just uninviting the creeper, this is ending her friendship with the bridesmaid. She needs to make her choice about what to do understanding that, that's all.

raes19 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:3bd140cd-0e96-42be-9717-642fd50a2b22">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone, he wasn't intoxicated when he did it. I guess my BM didn't mind because "they're in an open relationship"
Posted by Neontiger83[/QUOTE]

Being in an open relationship does not give someone an excuse to sexually harass others. If your friend doesn't understand that, then I would question her as a person. Touching someone inappropriately is never okay, and I would definately not be having that person at my wedding. Tell your friend how you feel, and if she can't see it from your perspective, I would think you'd be better off without her as a friend.

NOLAbridealmost · February 2012

I wouldn't tell her BF directly. I'd tell her. I'd probably approach it like, "Look, we've been friends a long time and this is really awkward, but I want to discuss what happened at the bachelorette party. What ____ did when he stroked my boob was really, really inappropriate and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I hope you can understand that I just don't want someone who made me feel that (insert the way he made you feel here)_____ at my wedding. I really want you there, but I hope you can understand that what he did crossed a line and I just can't look the other way this time."

Gabrielle76 · February 2012

How revoltingly inappropriate. I'm pretty sure that sexual harassment allows you to break etiquette rules.

If the guy is connected to your group only through your bridesmaid, call her and explain that you aren't at all ok with what happened, and that you can't have him at your wedding after doing something so terrible to you. If she tries to argue, or defend him, eff her, that's a terrible friend.

If he's a firm member of your social circle, I think that would be a time to call in your groom. Have him call and make it clear that what he did was way over the line, and he is no longer welcome.

polichik · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:e4796bc8-fba8-48ef-bb01-0c5782a15548">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't tell her BF directly. I'd tell her. I'd probably approach it like, "Look, we've been friends a long time and this is really awkward, but I want to discuss what happened at the bachelorette party. What ____ did when he stroked my boob was really, really inappropriate and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I hope you can understand that I just don't want someone who made me feel that (insert the way he made you feel here)_____ at my wedding. I really want you there, but I hope you can understand that what he did crossed a line and I just can't look the other way this time."
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

That was really well put.

goobersinlove · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninviting-a-brides-maids-boyfriend-because-he-did-something-excessively-inappropriate-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c06fec6-ffc8-41ab-86d4-e290e5f3991fPost:e4796bc8-fba8-48ef-bb01-0c5782a15548">Re: Uninviting a brides maid's boyfriend because he did something excessively inappropriate at the bachelorette party...</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't tell her BF directly. I'd tell her. I'd probably approach it like, "Look, we've been friends a long time and this is really awkward, but I want to discuss what happened at the bachelorette party. What ____ did when he stroked my boob was really, really inappropriate and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I hope you can understand that I just don't want someone who made me feel that (insert the way he made you feel here)_____ at my wedding. I really want you there, but I hope you can understand that what he did crossed a line and I just can't look the other way this time."
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Agreed. And if BM starts making excuses or invalidating your point with something like, "Well he didn't mean it <em>that </em>way" or something to that effect, make sure you stand your ground and say, "Well I'm sure you wouldn't have taken it that way, but this is the way<em> I feel.</em>" If she just laughed it off, she might try to defend him here, KWIM? Just be prepared and have comebacks for that.

RebeccaB88 · February 2012

If a guy did that to me, he wouldn't live long enough for the wedding to be an issue.

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