I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?

PiscesFish · July 2010

Done to death I'm sure, but I'm at a loss here.

My cousin is marrying into an extremely wealthy family, and he/his fiancee are having a 500+ guest weekend affair type wedding at one of the most expensive resorts in the area we grew up in ( a few hours' drive from where we live now). I have a large extended family who will all be there, whom I don't get to see often. I was looking forward to introducing my fiance to them that weekend. As I'll be about 18 weeks along and likely visible, they were likely going to learn of the baby then too.

My mother and aunt are close; I am helping the two plan my cousin's fiancee's bridal shower in a few weeks (a few days before the RSVPs are due). I had assumed, and my parents had confirmed, that my fiance would be invited.

I just received the invitation last night, and only I am invited. I do not see how I can attend such an event solo; that would be extremely disrespectful to to my fiance (not to mention how does that make him, my fat pregnant azz showing up to a huge event like that on my own smacks of "I got ktfu by some jerk who's not going to be around", and/or "my fiance had better things to do than be here with me); not to mention I'm uncomfortable driving a few hundred miles by myself, through some pretty remote areas, on my own in my condition.

However, I don't want to miss out on seeing my family.

Is it terribly passive-aggressive if I attend the bridal shower, and mention to my aunt and cousin's fiancee that I'm sorry I'll miss them at the wedding, but don't feel like it's appropriate to attend without FI?

Night_Sprite · July 2010

I'd try calling your cousin first. Maybe it was just an addressing error.

laurenclaire1386 · July 2010

It might be passive aggressive, but I'd do it too. If they're having a guestlist of 5 freaking hundred, they can afford to invite your FI. I wouldn't go without my FI either.

twinkie757 · July 2010

I agree that you should call your cousin. Maybe they weren't sure of your FI's name or how to spell it & left it off for that reason. FI addressed our invitations & he did that (without me knowing) because he didn't know some people's names, but then he talked to them afterward to let them know they are more than welcome at the wedding.

SarahRuthG · July 2010

What if you are honest? What if you say "I'm pregnant and I really dont feel comfortable traveling by myself right now. Is there anyway you will have room to accommodate my FI also? I would love to be there and would love for you to meet him. " Doesnt hurt to ask. And honest is the best policy

mica178 · July 2010

If you aren't married yet, they might have sent your FI a separate invitation. Mail does get lost. Call your cousin before you jump to any conclusions.

loop0406 · July 2010

If your parents had confirmed that your fiance would be invited then you should call the cousin and ask why his name is not on invite, simply say you cannot attend without him. I wouldn't attend the shower and not the wedding, either both or none at all.

Julz629 · July 2010

I am guessing (and hoping) it was an oversight. I would point blank call or email your cousin and simply tell her you would love to attend but you are not comfortable making the trip solo and can your FI come.

salt78 · July 2010

He should be invited. Just casually ask if there was some sort of error with the addressing.

arv266 · July 2010

Does your FI know that you are engaged? I would only call if I was certain that my family did not know I was engaged, and just to casually put it out there that you would love to attend his wedding with your FI. Keep in mind, since the bride's family is hosting, they have the last say on who is invited, and it may not be an oversight.

I strongly advise against the passive-aggressive thing. IMO it will make you appear to be whinny, and no one likes whinny. If I were in your shoes, and my FI was not invited, I would not attend.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

Some people really do think that an invitation addressed to you means you and your "guest." They don't know they should address him by name. Or perhaps someone else addressed the invitations and his name got left off accidentally. I really would call and check. If he was left off intentionally, then I would tell them you're sorry, but you don't feel comfortable with that.

salt78 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:c7fa8ac0-3c2a-4fa4-8053-8e5719ad4924">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Does your FI know that you are engaged?
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

<div>I would certainly hope so!</div>

Lisa8888 · July 2010

I think the most you can do is inquire with your cousin if you can bring your fiance.

I don't think you should not attend simply because your fiance was not invited. I understand you planned on introducing your fiance to your family and all but it is your cousin's wedding not your announcement party.

PiscesFish · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:c7fa8ac0-3c2a-4fa4-8053-8e5719ad4924">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Does your FI know that you are engaged? Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

He sure does; he's the one who bought the ring and proposed! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

My mother had assured me she'd spoken with my aunt... I don't know the fiancee too well and don't even have her email.

PiscesFish · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:8273cab5-3648-4f70-98bf-f39c5b6248f4">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand you planned on introducing your fiance to your family and all but it is your cousin's wedding not your announcement party.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

Of course it is not "my announcement party", but honestly, Pisces shows up with an e-ring and an unfamiliar guy does beg questions/introductions in the "how have you been" discussion with members of my family that i see less frequently.

Are you suggesting I leave my ring at home and wear a girdle to disguise my pregnancy so as to not steal any thunder?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:8273cab5-3648-4f70-98bf-f39c5b6248f4">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the most you can do is inquire with your cousin if you can bring your fiance. <strong>I don't think you should not attend simply because your fiance was not invited. </strong>I understand you planned on introducing your fiance to your family and all but it is your cousin's wedding not your announcement party.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

Actually, I think she has every right not to attend. Not inviting her fiance is an affront to him. You suggest she take her cousin's side over his? Sorry, I'll take my FI's side over almost anyone's.

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Not suggesting that anything be hidden. However, it sounded like the importance of having the fiance there was to make these announcements. Although it may be preferable to have the fiance there, I don't think the wedding should be skipped if he isn't invited. And if it is skipped, I would think they wouldn't come to your wedding.

kristinanddan · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:c8418f85-45c0-4ce7-9e50-fb40fde4cf6f">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!? : Of course it is not "my announcement party", but honestly, Pisces shows up with an e-ring and an unfamiliar guy does beg questions/introductions in the "how have you been" discussion with members of my family that i see less frequently. Are you suggesting I leave my ring at home and wear a girdle to disguise my pregnancy so as to not steal any thunder?
Posted by PiscesFish[/QUOTE]

Ignore her, the past two threads I've read were full of crazy advice from her.

It's very possible that the invite wasn't properly addressed, so I would call your cousin or your aunt. And I would not tend without my FI.

PiscesFish · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:555a28e3-ff94-4971-9837-7b77346e477c">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!? : Ignore her, the past two threads I've read were full of crazy advice from her. Posted by kristinanddan[/QUOTE]

But poking sticks at trolls is fuuuuuuun!!!

saisongbird · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:b2f19d20-ce4a-4931-a69d-cdb93e01c710">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not suggesting that anything be hidden. However, it sounded like the importance of having the fiance there was to make these announcements. Although it may be preferable to have the fiance there, I don't think the wedding should be skipped if he isn't invited. And if it is skipped, I would think they wouldn't come to your wedding.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you saying that you would attend an event without your FI? I know that wouldn't. And be honest with yourself - if these people refuse to let your FI attend their wedding, are they even people that you WANT at yours? Be real.</div>

CLSchramm · July 2010

Call, or have your mother call if you don't feel comfortable, and say "I'm sure it was an oversight, is it alright if I bring FI?". As the bride, I responded much more graciously to these kinds of requests than those that just went ahead and rsvp'd for more than I had invited (though in some cases I chose to let those go too).

arv266 · July 2010

It took me a while to get the whole "does your FI know you're engaged" error! Blame it on the Friday! I understand that your Mom told your Aunt... but I am not certain how that information would trickle to your cousin's fiancee. And are you as certain that your aunt told her son? I am assuming that your cousin is male, and that his fiancee's family is handling the wedding invitations, in which case, what role would your Aunt (as the MOG) have in the invitation list?

We can all second guess on what happened to the invitation, and whether or not it was an oversight or just an invitation for one. Point is, the bride was getting her information from someone else, and maybe did not know that you were engaged. Try not to take this personally (as hard as that might be).

Best bet is to talk to your cousin.

Theresa626 · July 2010

Honestly, if they're inviting that many people, I really do think perhaps it was an oversight or they just forgot. In this case, I would simply call and ask. I had a lot of people ask for invites to my wedding and we ended up saying yes to all of them because we didn't want them to feel bad. It worked out because a ton of people said no so it didn't matter about the extras. Just don't wait till the last minute to ask.

APW2010 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:8345829a-dbad-4a19-8615-d51cb2a2beb3">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]What if you are honest? What if you say "I'm pregnant and I really dont feel comfortable traveling by myself right now. Is there anyway you will have room to accommodate my FI also? I would love to be there and would love for you to meet him. " Doesnt hurt to ask. And honest is the best policy =)
Posted by SarahRuthG[/QUOTE]

This.
There are so many cases of broken telephone around wedding stuff, that I would be direct and go right to the source. This also succinctly explains the whole situation.

ErinGoBragh77 · July 2010

The same thing happened to me in December- my fiance was not included on the invite to my cousin's wedding. Turns out they just had no CLUE on the etiquette for addressing envelopes- they screwed up a lot of peoples'. I'm sure it's just a mistake.

_Dagney_ · July 2010

WHAT???? Seriously? they didn't invite your FIANCE to the wedding? Do they know you are engaged? Fiances should be treated like spouses.

Could this have been a mistake?

Is there any way you could find out if this was intentional?

I would send my regrets if I found out that my fiance was intentionally left off the guest list...

So odd.

Simply Fated · July 2010

I'm not sure I understand the whole, I talked to my mom who talked to my aunt who said my fiance is invited. It sounds like a really bad game of Telephone, lol.

I would definitely talk to your cousin. It could have just been an oversight, so you don't want to jump to conclusions.

And I just felt the need to throw this out there for thought...It's one thing to not attend an event without your fiance if he wasn't invited (out of principle), but what if he just wasn't able to make it to the event? The way you worded it, you made it sound like everyone will think you're some slut who sleeps around or that your fiance is a deadbeat JUST because you showed up to a wedding without him. Please keep in mind, for your own self-respect, that if it was an oversight, but he really can't make it that day for what ever reason (work, illness, what ever) you shouldn't feel embarrassed to attend just because you might look pregnant. Most people will not assume you are engaged to a deadbeat just because he isn't able to make it to a wedding.

Knittibell · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-supposed-bridal-shower-fi-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:791e199b-d3f6-4d47-af5b-6cb9d5e7a050Post:8345829a-dbad-4a19-8615-d51cb2a2beb3">Re: I'm supposed to help with the bridal shower, and FI not invited to wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]What if you are honest? What if you say "I'm pregnant and I really dont feel comfortable traveling by myself right now. Is there anyway you will have room to accommodate my FI also? I would love to be there and would love for you to meet him. " Doesnt hurt to ask. And honest is the best policy =)
Posted by SarahRuthG[/QUOTE]

<div>This. Really hoping this was an oversight. If he's still not invited, I would not go, because it's INCREDIBLY poor etiquette.</div>

Kristin789 · July 2010

>>I'd try calling your cousin first. Maybe it was just an addressing error.

Yeah, that.
Because they can't invite only ONE person of an engaged or married couple. BOTH people have to be invited.
Since you're sure YOU would be included, it's an oversight that your FI wasn't included on the envelope.
Maybe she had her BMs help address the envelopes and the BM who did the addresses in your alphabetical group didn't know you were engaged, and so just put your name on it.

Oh, and I think you should stop thinking of all the ways in which you can turn your cousin's wedding reception into other things for YOU, like:
FAMILY REUNION (a large extended family who will all be there, whom I don't get to see often.)
ENGAGEMENT PARY TO INTRODUCE THE GROOM TO THE BRIDE'S EXTENDED FAMILY ( I was looking forward to introducing my fiance then)
PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT AND CELEBRATION (they were likely going to learn of the baby then too)
It's just inappropriate to hijack your cousin's WEDDING and use the occasion for other stuff that YOU want to annouce/celebrate.

scpalmtree06 · July 2010

I just got an invite last week inviting me to a wedding but not my FI. This is a girl we went to HS with. It was definitely an oversight, and an e-mail to her quickly resolved it.

I say call you cousin.

kmabjo · July 2010

I would call your cousin. If the invite was to be sent just to you and not FI, I would decline both the party and the wedding.

It could have jus been an address mistake as well, so I would check first.

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