turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!

Cassidy13 · June 2010

I'm having some major problems with my maid of honor at the moment and desperatly need some advice (and to vent cause I'm fairly angry). It's super long and confusing so please, if anyone has some advice (or a magical plan that would fix everything) I would be most grateful.

So I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor the day I got engaged (which is now nine months ago). She accepted and promised to be as good of maid of honor as I was to her last year. My fiancee and I set the date for December of 2011 so I can graduate and not have to plan a wedding finishing my final semester. Three months ago, my MOH asks me to make a recommendation to her for the Peace Corps and she would be leaving at the end of June, 6 months before my wedding but she promises she will fly back for the wedding from Africa (which now I have my doubts she would do that). My fiancee, thank God he puts up with me, agreed to move the wedding date to the 23rd of June so she can be there and she wouldn't have to go back and forth.

Earlier this week, she calls me and tells me that she can't be at my wedding because she is going to Africa the beginning of June. She then goes on to tell me that she is frustrated that I changed the date of my wedding to make it more difficult for her to be there and its like I'm intentionally trying to make it so she can't be there. Then she gets pissed off at me because I told her if she wasn't going to be there then I was gong to take her out of the wedding party. She also tells me that she could arrange to leave that September, rather than that June, but that means she gets back 4 months later and she just doesn't want to return that late.

I just feel like its so insulting that she committed to be there for me and then backed out because she found something she wants to do more, especially after everything I did for her wedding and honeymoon. It's just a huge slap in the face. And now she has the nerve to be mad at me for rearranging MY day so its convienent for her. Ugh! I'm so angry I'm just mere seconds away from turning into the Hulk.

What am I supposed to say or do with this? Anyone? I'm so upset and this drama totally making wedding planning suck, :-(

laurenclaire1386 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_turns-out-maid-of-honor-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:599e6b96-cce8-42a3-b3c7-8632ad48733cPost:37543581-d6ef-461d-8c1f-cb118759309f">turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having some major problems with my maid of honor at the moment and desperatly need some advice (and to vent cause I'm fairly angry). It's super long and confusing so please, if anyone has some advice (or a magical plan that would fix everything) I would be most grateful. So I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor the day I got engaged (which is now nine months ago). She accepted and promised to be as good of maid of honor as I was to her last year. My fiancee and I set the date for December of 2011 so I can graduate and not have to plan a wedding finishing my final semester. Three months ago, my MOH asks me to make a recommendation to her for the Peace Corps and she would be leaving at the end of June, 6 months before my wedding but she promises she will fly back for the wedding from Africa (which now I have my doubts she would do that). My fiancee, thank God he puts up with me, agreed to move the wedding date to the 23rd of June so she can be there and she wouldn't have to go back and forth. Earlier this week, she calls me and tells me that she can't be at my wedding because she is going to Africa the beginning of June. She then goes on to tell me that she is frustrated that I changed the date of my wedding to make it more difficult for her to be there and its like I'm intentionally trying to make it so she can't be there. Then she gets pissed off at me because I told her if she wasn't going to be there then I was gong to take her out of the wedding party. She also tells me that she could arrange to leave that September, rather than that June, but that means she gets back 4 months later and she just doesn't want to return that late. I just feel like its so insulting that she committed to be there for me and then backed out because she found something she wants to do more, especially after everything I did for her wedding and honeymoon. It's just a huge slap in the face. And now she has the nerve to be mad at me for rearranging MY day so its convienent for her. Ugh! I'm so angry I'm just mere seconds away from turning into the Hulk. What am I supposed to say or do with this? Anyone? I'm so upset and this drama totally making wedding planning suck, :-(
Posted by Cassidy13[/QUOTE]
I'll have you a plan in the morning. In the mean time, you're gonna need a frog spleen. You know, for the spell and everything.

luckyme502 · June 2010

I think you are the one with the problem, not her. She is living her life, which does not revolve around your wedding, nor should it. She never asked you to change the date of your wedding, you did that all on your own. Your change made it even harder for her to attend your wedding, that is your fault. Maybe you should try being happy for her joining the Peace Corps, and not worry so much about whether she is at your wedding or not. Your wedding is not the center of anyone's life, except yours.

mstar284 · June 2010

I wouldn't say anything is your fault or her fault. Things just happen...they come up. Maybe it would have been better if you asked her before you changed the date. I wouldn't have revolved the wedding around her plans. Wish her the best and continue your wedding.

mags0607 · June 2010

Uh, yeah, she's not the one being difficult.

She does not need to revolve her life around your wedding. She is joining the Peace Corps, not planning a trip. Se logstically might not be able to postpone when she leaves, and frankly she shouldn't have to.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

What! How dare she join the Peace Corps! What a cvunt.

emarston1 · June 2010

Seriously? She was accepted into the Peace Corps and you are villifying her? You need some perspective.

You cannot honestly expect her to put her life on hold for 2 years (the length of your engagement) so that nothing will interfere with your wedding. Hopefully you have at least congratulated her on the journey she is about to start and are happy for her.

Also, if she can't be there, you don't remove her from the wedding party. She is still your maid of honor even if she isn't there.

megk8oz · June 2010

Peace Corps trumps wedding.

You can be disappointed that she can't make it .... but to think that she's actually doing something horrible to you by not showing for this particular reason .... well, seriously?

quotequeen · June 2010

You are the one being ridiculous. Her life does not revolve around your wedding.

NcsuPsych · June 2010

If you really told her you'd take her out of the wedding party, you can pretty much kiss that friendship goodbye if you follow through with that. I can't believe that was actually said.

I think the main problem here is that there was miscommunication and feelings / hormones went bazerk. Your MOH is simply living her life and there's nothing wrong with that as she's not supposed to revolve around your wedding and put her life on hold. You should be happy for her for the peace-corp and excited, but instead harsh things were said, which didn't help your situation.

I think you and your MOH need to have a face to face talk and just explain that you moved the date to accommodate her, not to inconvenience her and IMO throw in an apology for threatening to yank her out of the WP. Just take a deep breath and give her a call.

And for what its worth, life happens, not everyone's MOH is able to make it to the wedding.

Good luck!

soontobeschooley · June 2010

This is a textbook example of why you shouldn't ask people to be in your wedding party so early.

ndnikki06 · June 2010

Our BM is not able to attend our wedding. It sucks, but it happens. We have him printed in the program and he offered to send us something that can be read in place of his toast at the reception. I wouldn't boot her out. I realize you are disappointed, but try not to be selfish. She's not going to put her life on hold for your wedding day.

Lilou902 · June 2010

I am in a similar situation where my FSIL is pregnant and her due date is 5 days after our wedding. If she had to miss it wouldn't be the end of the world, but if she went into labor she would also take with her, my FBIL (Best Man) and her other two children who are my flower girl and ring bearer. She promises that she will have delivered by the time of the wedding and will be there with her husband and her three children. I was upset when I found out at first (partly because they had told everyone in the family except for us since it wa so close to the wedding) and because they had planned for a September baby after we were engaged. But, they have always had this plan and I had to suck it up. The worse case scenario is that FSIL would go into labor very close to the wedding and my FBIL would only be able to make it for the ceremony and then leave to go back to his wife. And that would be great because he would be there for his brother and I.

It's hard with a wedding - you really do get caught up in everything. But, really only you and maybe your fiance, but probably just you, are the one who is ALWAYS thinking of it! Just relax, maybe move your wedding back to it's original date if you can, and if your MOH can make it that's great, if she can't you have to be happy that you are still marrying your fiance!

BecW2be · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_turns-out-maid-of-honor-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:599e6b96-cce8-42a3-b3c7-8632ad48733cPost:abe90ed0-bbde-4730-8a15-fc3943c55b1e">Re: turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in a similar situation where my FSIL is pregnant and her due date is 5 days after our wedding. If she had to miss it wouldn't be the end of the world, but if she went into labor she would also take with her, my FBIL (Best Man) and her other two children who are my flower girl and ring bearer. She promises that she will have delivered by the time of the wedding and will be there with her husband and her three children. I was upset when I found out at first (partly because they had told everyone in the family except for us since it wa so close to the wedding) and because they had planned for a September baby after we were engaged. But, they have always had this plan and I had to suck it up. The worse case scenario is that FSIL would go into labor very close to the wedding and my FBIL would only be able to make it for the ceremony and then leave to go back to his wife. And that would be great because he would be there for his brother and I. It's hard with a wedding - you really do get caught up in everything. But, really only you and maybe your fiance, but probably just you, are the one who is ALWAYS thinking of it! Just relax, maybe move your wedding back to it's original date if you can, and if your MOH can make it that's great, if she can't you have to be happy that you are still marrying your fiance!
Posted by Lilou902[/QUOTE]

To both you and to the OP: Your little wedding day falls far, far, far below joining the Peace Corp or having a baby on any planet or in any realm of reality. Seriously. You both sound like enormous idiots carrying on like you are.

Yes, your MOH found something more important than your wedding to do. She's embarking on one of the most self-sacrificing commitments a person can make. That trumps your silly little day; sorry. As does having a baby. You both need to back up and consider someone besides yourselves.

LD1970 · June 2010

While it was nice of you to move your wedding date, it turned out to have the opposite effect from what you intended. It would've been better had you asked your MOH if that'd help her or hurt her before you did it, but you can't go back in time now. Your best bet is to go back to your original date, if you can.

I also think she's being unreasonable by accusing you of trying to make it impossible for her to come to the wedding. You had good intentions, things just got screwy. So she's being silly on that score.

But as others have said, your MOH is not in the wrong for joining the Peace Corps, and there's no way she should put her life on hold for your one day. That idea is you being ridiculous.

MissDuke2012 · June 2010

Oh Yikes. The Peace Core? What a horrible horrible person.

Like PPs have said, What were you thinking picking your wedding party so far out? Its not like there's anything they can do right now. Other than cause problems that is.

Kick her out, ruin your friendship. As simple as that.

Lilou902 · June 2010

To BecW2Be:

For one, I am not an idiot. Number 2, I don't think any one event 'Trumps" another when that event is important to a person. I am allowed to feel that my wedding is special, as is the original poster. I have never been anything but elated to have a new nephew added to our family, even if it is on my wedding day. But, we are all allowed to have a day that is speical to us, and that doesn't make anyone an idiot. Point of my post is that sometimes you get caught up in it all, and you need to take a step back and look around. What is important to me, is that the people who are closest with us are able to be at our wedding to watch my fiance and I exchange our vows. Really don't think that makes me an idiot. And all of these events, wedding, baby, peace corps are all mutually exclusive. I never said that I wasn't happy for my FSIL and FBIL, I certianly am. But their having a baby isn't more important than my FI and I getting married and us getting married isn't more important than their having a baby. They are both wonderful events and I can't wait for them both!!

megk8oz · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_turns-out-maid-of-honor-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:599e6b96-cce8-42a3-b3c7-8632ad48733cPost:abe90ed0-bbde-4730-8a15-fc3943c55b1e">Re: turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!</a>:
[QUOTE] She promises that she will have delivered by the time of the wedding and will be there with her husband and her three children.
Posted by Lilou902[/QUOTE]

You do realize that unless she has a scheduled C-section prior to your wedding date and there are no other complications prior that there is no way she can actually promise you something like this, right?

Babies come when babies come. Most doctors will not induce labor prior to her actual due date (Which you're saying is after your wedding) unless there's a real reason to, such as her water breaking with no contractions following, or something is wrong with the baby and needs to be delivered immediately. Inducing early, even by a couple of days, is something that they try to avoid unless there are some type of special circumstances that pretain to the health of the mother or child.

"Baby Mama is Attending a Wedding" does not fall under this list of special circumstances. If she doesn't go into labor on her own and neither her or the baby's health is at risk, she most likely will have to wait at least a week past her due date before a doctor will induce.

missy68 · June 2010

Well, Meg, unless your name is Khloe or Kourtney Kardashian ...

Seriously, life doesn't stop because we (any of us) get married. People lose jobs/get jobs that don't allow for the time off. People get sick; sometimes we lose people. Soliders are called to duty. Babies are conceived and babies are born. Disasters happen - hurricanes, tornadoes, oil spills, etc.

If you are still able to say your vows to the one you love, then you have had your wedding day. It may not have been perfect (there's a poster on E who got married by candlelight in the literal dark because the power went out in her venue - she also had no A/C - she made the best of it), but SHE GOT MARRIED.

Don't sweat the small stuff. And guess what? Almost all of it is small stuff.

BeeBee22 · June 2010

Um, Lilou, yes: their having a baby IS more important than your ceremony, and if you can't see that, you may (in all seriousness) have a narcissistic personality disorder. That's why you don't thinks it's odd. Your way of looking at the world is flawed in a particularly ugly way.

BecW2be · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_turns-out-maid-of-honor-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:599e6b96-cce8-42a3-b3c7-8632ad48733cPost:56334bad-8564-47b6-89f3-a3559017b204">Re: turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!</a>:
[QUOTE]To BecW2Be: For one, I am not an idiot. Number 2, I don't think any one event 'Trumps" another when that event is important to a person. I am allowed to feel that my wedding is special, as is the original poster. I have never been anything but elated to have a new nephew added to our family, even if it is on my wedding day. But, we are all allowed to have a day that is speical to us, and that doesn't make anyone an idiot. Point of my post is that sometimes you get caught up in it all, and you need to take a step back and look around. What is important to me, is that the people who are closest with us are able to be at our wedding to watch my fiance and I exchange our vows. Really don't think that makes me an idiot. And all of these events, wedding, baby, peace corps are all mutually exclusive. I never said that I wasn't happy for my FSIL and FBIL, I certianly am. But their having a baby isn't more important than my FI and I getting married and us getting married isn't more important than their having a baby. They are both wonderful events and I can't wait for them both!!
Posted by Lilou902[/QUOTE]

I never once said you were an idiot. I said you sounded like one bitching about your SIL "planning" her September baby, even though you were engaged first. Them bringing a new life into the world is TONS more important than your wedding. And if/when you have a baby, it will be TONS more important that anyone else's wedding day. That's just how it goes. Your wedding is more important to you than to anyone else.

I changed my wedding date because DH's best friend and groomswoman was pregnant and couldn't travel for our original date. Because her having a baby was more important than my wedding. Her being there was important to us, so we changed the date. I certainly never once said "I was upset when I found out at first (partly because they had told everyone in the family except for us since it wa so close to the wedding) and because they had planned for a September baby after we were engaged". That is an idiotic statement to presume that while having sex and TTC either of them thought, "Holyshit! We can't do this! I'll be knocked up and due around Lilou's wedding! What are we thinking?!?" No one cares about your wedding day as much as you do, and it will never be as important as a new baby. Sorry.

abbiewebster · June 2010

if you agree to be someone maid of honour, then yes u are dedicating yourself to there wedding day...i dont think op is mad that she joined the corps but that she blamed her for the date change when she was just trying to make sure her moh would be able to make it. and op if she cant make itanyway why is she mad that you want to take her out of the wedding party...she cant be in the party if shes not at the wedding right??

[Deleted User] · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_turns-out-maid-of-honor-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:599e6b96-cce8-42a3-b3c7-8632ad48733cPost:56334bad-8564-47b6-89f3-a3559017b204">Re: turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!</a>:
[QUOTE]To BecW2Be: For one, I am not an idiot. Number 2, I don't think any one event 'Trumps" another when that event is important to a person. I am allowed to feel that my wedding is special, as is the original poster. I have never been anything but elated to have a new nephew added to our family, even if it is on my wedding day. But, we are all allowed to have a day that is speical to us, and that doesn't make anyone an idiot. Point of my post is that sometimes you get caught up in it all, and you need to take a step back and look around. What is important to me, is that the people who are closest with us are able to be at our wedding to watch my fiance and I exchange our vows. Really don't think that makes me an idiot. And all of these events, wedding, baby, peace corps are all mutually exclusive. I never said that I wasn't happy for my FSIL and FBIL, I certianly am. But their having a baby isn't more important than my FI and I getting married and us getting married isn't more important than their having a baby. They are both wonderful events and I can't wait for them both!!
Posted by Lilou902[/QUOTE]

The rest of your post proves this to be false.

J&K10910 · June 2010

Actually, someone having a baby surely is more important TO THEM than you getting married and having a big old (not necessary) party. Because...well, she's popping 8 pounds of life out her hooha. And it's a baby.

And Peace Corps MOH girl? I'm sorry your friend isn't selfish like you and she wants to make a difference in the world and you can't be happy for her.

jenn.daniel · June 2010

Just because you are getting married doesn't mean on your friends and family have to put their lives on hold. They can get jobs, move too different countries, and have babies. My matron on honor might be in Guatemala on my wedding date. I'll miss her, but I know that she's doing what's best for her (grad school and visiting extended family).

jwang517 · June 2010

i hope you aren't angry at the fact that she joined the peace corps. sometimes, ur BM or MOH might not be able to make it for all kinds of reasons. as long as they don't do it on purpose, it's not somoething you nor they can control.

i'm curious if you talked to her before changing the date? asking her if that would make it easier for her to be there if you move it from Dec to June? if you didn't, then in some ways, i dont think you should get that angry with her.

and also i know it sucks, but you can't really kick someone out of the bridal party... only people can "drop out." but if she's not there on the wedding day and didn't really do much to help before hand, no one would know that she's really in the wedding party right?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

Seriously, a friend of mine is in the Peace Corps and they let her come back to the US for her grandfather's funeral for an entire month. It certainly does happen.

SarahPLiz · June 2010

YOu know what? Life happens. Yes, you may be disappointed, but you decided to change the date, and now the Peace Corps has changed her date.

This is yet another reason why you shouldn't ask your WP until closer to your wedding date. Newly engaged people, take note.

stella91 · June 2010

I'm a lurker but decided to respond.
I served in the Peace Corps in Africa a few years ago. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get from the middle-of-nowhere Africa back to the States? It took me 2 days of travel on motorcycles and overstuffed taxis (we're talking 8 adults in a car) just to get to an airport. The flight time alone was over 24 hours. If your MOH offered to do this AND pay for the plane flight, she's a saint.

stella91 · June 2010

I didn't intend for that to be center aligned. Sorry.

lynzandgreg · June 2010

I can't even believe you would be remotely upset over the fact that your friend is living her life. Get over it! And I think what was even more crazy about your OP is that you convinced your FI to move the date. Your wedding day is for you and your FH!

I just recently got engaged and I wish I read some of these posts before I asked the girls I know to be in my BP...you live and learn. But I certainly will not be pissed or upset if my friend decided to join the Peace Corp, or enlist into the Navy or if one of my BM's gets pregnant! Seriously...petty bs.

turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!

Re: turns out my maid of honor is ridiculous.... help!

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