I need a pep talk

kikibaby · December 2010

Ok, I may regret this, because I have always vowed not to talk about any relationship issues on the board... I am well-aware of Knot Memory. But, I need to talk it out.

I'm feeling really... bitter all of a sudden. For one, I want to move, but H is pretty much completely against it. He has a job he likes here and he thinks we should stay near our families. But even if he didn't like his job, we can only move in the future to a handful of cities (literally, about 4 cities). He's veto'd pretty much all of those cities, so I feel like we'll live in Denver forever whether I like it or not.

Secondly, we decided back in August to start TTC. But, we've recently realized that we have a lot of debt and not a lot of savings and that we should wait. This is obviously 50/50 both of our faults/problems. I still feel really angry about it, maybe at myself as much as him for our stupid youthful indiscretions (financially). It makes me feel even worse to see SIL have a baby and be a SAHM, when I know that her H makes less than mine.

Anyway, I just feel so stuck and unhappy right now. I'm having trouble being "loving" because I'm so bitter about everything.

Ok, tell me to suck it up and get over it.

doctabroccoli · December 2010

I really can't say suck it up, cause I've been feeling depressed a lot lately too about being so close to finishing my Ph.D. but still having so much work left to do. The bills are piling up because I am still in school. I've been wanting to get on the baby train like yesterday for so long now...... So I empathize with you in some respects? It's really hard to tell yourself just to suck it up, I know.

LDYGTR13 · December 2010

Suck it up and get over it.

For real though, I totally understand how sucky it can be to have a H that likes where he is and doesn't want to leave. It's not fun. I may be dumb, but why can you only move to 4 cities? Has he been to those cities before he vetoed them? H vetoed all over the place until we went to two of the places I would love to eventually move to - Charlotte, NC and Jacksonville, FL. He un-vetoed them once he went.

As for the baby stuff - GOOD FOR YOU for waiting until you're financially stable enough for a baby. Seriously. Your SIL might be a SAHM with a H that makes less than your H, but they're probably going to have some serious financial issues that, hopefully, you and your H won't have to deal with.

I'm sorry you're bitter...put some awesome old school music on that you love. That always cheers me up.

Beachy730 · December 2010

You definitely have a few reasons to be in the dumps right now. And sometimes the holidays can actually make it worse. Do you guys have a plan to work on the financial part? H and I use Quicken for our money program, and if you take the time and enter all of your banking and credit card information in it works out the best payment plans for you to get your debt paid off. That's what we are doing to get rid of our credit card debt and it's definitely a huge help to us.

I know the feeling though. I definitely wasn't feeling very loving for H for a little while during all the stress of the moving and the deployment and everything else going on with us. I had some anger I held in because of the fact that my whole life was turned upside down because of his career, but then I made myself realize that it was the life I chose. Once everything calmed down for us I felt a million times better.

kikibaby · December 2010

LDY- the 4 cities are where there are lots of jobs for H. They're pretty much all out due to cost of living.

The thing about the money/baby-making is that we're 32. This shiit isn't going to get corrected for a LONG time. I dont' want to have babies when I'm 40.

doctabroccoli · December 2010

Staring at the Christmas tree always cheers me up.....

kikibaby · December 2010

We don't even have a Christmas tree this year

Stackeye210 · December 2010

To be honest, it sounds like your H is trying to be responsible. Trust me when I say, it's HARD to climb out of debt with a new baby. HARD!!!!!! It's possible, but man the road is a million times slower when you have a child. Also......didn't you already say that your upside down on your mortgage and would basically have to foreclose to move anywhere?

I know you aren't in a neighborhood that you like, I also know the house probably isn't anything you want any sort of attachments to, and you much rather prefer to pick something out with H and not have to live in his bachelor style pad. The reality of it is the 2 of you alone could probably really take a look at your financials and pull yourself out of any debt pretty quickly if you just buckled down and super duper budgeted.

I'm the WORST saver in the world, thankfully Trevor is great at it and has taught me so much about it, so please don't think I'm being preachy - I just know that it's a million times harder with a kid to take care of. It can also cause so much strain on your relationship when it doesn't have to be that way.

I know people say you'll always find a reason to not TTC, and I know you of all people are strong minded enough to make it work if you did have a baby - but if you REALLY want out of that house, I'd probably honestly pull yourself out of your bills first, move.....and then try.

You'll be a good mom Kiki, just whine for a few more days and new time line for some life goals and get on with it. I personally feel much better about standing still in life when I know I'm doing things that will give me a great boost forward after all the hard work.

Hugs to you for sure!

doctabroccoli · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:459a0b02-c45e-4e46-b61f-c5d5e238342b">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]LDY- the 4 cities are where there are lots of jobs for H. They're pretty much all out due to cost of living. The thing about the money/baby-making is that we're 32. This shiit isn't going to get corrected for a LONG time. I dont' want to have babies when I'm 40.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

I completely understand the no babies at 40 thing. You've got 5 years on me - I want to be at least KU by the time I'm 30 since we want 3 kids. Things like breastfeeding and cloth diapers obviously cut the cost down with they're young. I think maybe a sit-down with H is in order to look at your finances in detail.

LDYGTR13 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:459a0b02-c45e-4e46-b61f-c5d5e238342b">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]LDY- the 4 cities are where there are lots of jobs for H. They're pretty much all out due to cost of living. The thing about the money/baby-making is that we're 32. This shiit isn't going to get corrected for a LONG time. I dont' want to have babies when I'm 40.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Well, here's how I look at it - on the "lots of jobs for H" situation...there might not be LOTS of jobs for him all over the place, but there have to be SOME all over the place. My H is in IT...Jackson, MS isn't exactly a hub for IT, but he hasn't really had issues finding jobs. Plus, normally, you're going to want to find a job somewhere before you move, right? (I'm only 25...so I haven't had lots of experience with this, but my dad always found the job and THEN moved us) So, if it was me, I'd try to find jobs somewhere. If H gets an interview, go with him if you can, check out the city. Look in places that DON'T have that high price of living.

I'm saying all of this without having a clue what your H does, so I could still be crazy.

40 year old moms are awesome. I know a few. They're way cooler, I think because they've got more life experience and aren't as paranoid. BUT, I get where you're coming from. You and your H can set up some type of "pay off debt so we can have babies before we're 40" plan...H and I are doing something similar, but not for babies =) Just work towards it and know you've got good reasons for doing it!

doctabroccoli · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:35581aaa-ab15-4484-a8ed-20f1890fdf5d">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't even have a Christmas tree this year :/
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Well, failure on my part. Sorry :(

Stackeye210 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:459a0b02-c45e-4e46-b61f-c5d5e238342b">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]LDY- the 4 cities are where there are lots of jobs for H. They're pretty much all out due to cost of living. The thing about the money/baby-making is that we're 32. This shiit isn't going to get corrected for a LONG time. I dont' want to have babies when I'm 40.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

I can understand why you feel that way. You look much younger than 32, I seriously thought you were like mid twenties.

Beachy730 · December 2010

Obviously I don't know your financial situation, but it might be worth it to look into a financial advisor, or some of those money management books. You might be really surprised at how you could find different ways to save. I used to randomly make my credit card payments based on what was in my checking account at the time, and had no rhyme or reason to it. With Quicken, it looks at the APR on each card and sets your payments up to pay them off in order of the worse one for you. For example, ours has us just about paying off the balance on one this month, and the others are just about minimum payments. I would always pay the same amount on each card (for example if I had $300 to spend i would do $100 on each). But this is completely changing how we do things.

1ofThoseDays · December 2010

You have many reasons to be upset, but just remember that due the fact that you live in a cooler area you have a higher probability of suffering from SDD(Seasonal Defective Disorder) which can cause things to seem more bleak and overwhelming then they would if it happened in the warmer months.

emilyinchile · December 2010

I don't think this is the kind of relationship drama that gets you on the Knot Memory blacklist, for what it's worth - this is just normal adult stuff that's hard that you're trying to figure out.

As far as the moving goes, is it a question of those 4 cities being the easiest places to move for your H's job, or are they literally the ONLY places in the whole wide world where his job exists? Because unless it's the latter, I don't think it's fair to just flat-out refuse to consider moving elsewhere (says the girl who lives in Chile). I think it's fine to say that you guys wouldn't move unless he had a job lined up, but there are so many different types of towns and cities out there, there are probably a bunch where you could both be happy. If you're not happy in Denver, then it doesn't seem fair that he would say that you're stuck there for life. And honestly, if you move somewhere and hate it...you move back. It's not as much of a big scary committment as I think a lot of people make it out to be.

For the TTC, I think you're right, and I think you just have to whine for a couple days and then pat yourself on the back for making the right decision and look at the debt/savings issue as a problem to be resolved. Make it a competition where you "win" by spending less, learning about possible investments, looking into lowering different bills, etc rather than looking at it like a long-term obstacle that's not going anywhere.

Snippylynn · December 2010

Kiki, I had one of these days on Friday, and honestly, I drank until I felt better. lol

Also? One of 4 cities is better than zero!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

We are also not in a place financially to TTC, and if we had no debt and more savings, we'd easily be ready, so it sucks. I get it.

How long have you wanted to move? Is this a recent desire or something you've been talking about since you met him? At least Denver isn't a podunk town in the middle of nowhere where you'll be surrounded by the same 50 people your whole life.

annakb8 · December 2010

I know how you feel about the money thing. We have significant student loan debt (plus some credit card stuff) and it seems like we will NEVER be able to afford a house and kids, especially if we stay where we are. I am not feeling baby fever yet, but I cannot wait to have my own house. It is so hard to see all myfriends back in Florida buying nice, beautiful, 4 bedroom houses when I am stuck living in a 2 room basement apartment. My rent is probably about the same as their mortgage payment too. I just keep trying to tell myself that my master's degree was worth it that I have no idea where I would be if I didn't to grad school and incur this debt. Really I think the best thing to do (what I plan to do anyway) is just to set a very strict budget. That way even if we are still poor at least I will feel proactive and in control.

Kiki, have you ever lived far away from your family? When I was close to mine I couldn't wait to move somewhere new and exciting and though it wouldn't be a big deal to be away. But now that I am far away I hate it and desperately wish I was closer.

LDY, I want to move to Jacksonville too! It is a great place!

kikibaby · December 2010

Oh, stacks, hugs! You always have the right things to say, seriously. You give awesome advice.

The house thing- well, honestly, we've decided to do a strategic foreclosure, so we're going to be moving into some sort of rental within the next few months. I wanted it to be somewhere out of state, but H says it's not going to happen.

With the debt, I feel like I'm the only one who wants to work on it. H says he wants to work on it, and have a budget, but he won't stick to it. We went to the grocery store with a shopping list and he kept trying to buy all of this stuff we don't need. I was getting so p*ssed.

So yeah, frankly, I don't know if we're ever going to get out of debt. I'm so stressed out about it.

mandapanda78 · December 2010

kiki, I made you a Christmas tree.

emilyinchile · December 2010

Manda, you are adorable.

Kiki, I think your H not sticking to a budget you both set is totally grounds to be pissed at him. I would be. Oh wait, I have been. What does he say when you talk about it and mention how it not only makes you stressed and unhappy right now but also makes you stressed and unhappy about when you can have babies?

doctabroccoli · December 2010

What's a strategic foreclosure?

kikibaby · December 2010

dnb- We just bought some financial software, so hopefully it will help me stay on track better.

Emily- it's more that he'd have an easy time finding a job in those cities. In his line of work, people change jobs frequently. So, he wants to be somewhere where there are several companies so he doesn't get stuck/stagnant.

Snippy- I had some vodka last night!

Mery/Anna- I've off and on wanted to move for a few years. I grew up moving allll over the country, and now I've been in Denver for a long time. I just want a change. Plus, there's nothing I like to do in Denver- I'm not a hiking/skiing/granola kinda girl

LDYGTR13 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:7e098c27-4b35-4e9b-ba03-043c5a3272d1">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]I know how you feel about the money thing. We have significant student loan debt (plus some credit card stuff) and it seems like we will NEVER be able to afford a house and kids, especially if we stay where we are. I am not feeling baby fever yet, but I cannot wait to have my own house. It is so hard to see all myfriends back in Florida buying nice, beautiful, 4 bedroom houses when I am stuck living in a 2 room basement apartment. My rent is probably about the same as their mortgage payment too. I just keep trying to tell myself that my master's degree was worth it that I have no idea where I would be if I didn't to grad school and incur this debt. Really I think the best thing to do (what I plan to do anyway) is just to set a very strict budget. That way even if we are still poor at least I will feel proactive and in control. Kiki, have you ever lived far away from your family? When I was close to mine I couldn't wait to move somewhere new and exciting and though it wouldn't be a big deal to be away. But now that I am far away I hate it and desperately wish I was closer. LDY, I want to move to Jacksonville too! It is a great place!
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

I grew up right outside Jacksonville - it's the greatest place ever =) H has an IT summit there in March, I'm hoping he falls in love with it even more to move there eventually (like after we have kids - MS schools aren't very good). You should totally move there =)

kikibaby · December 2010

Thanks, Manda!

Emily- he just clams up when I get mad. I was so angry last night about the groceries thing. I also showed him the stuff all over the house that he has bought and not used- unopened boxes, uneaten food... it's such a waste of money!

docta- In a very simplistic way, it means that we can technically afford our mortgage payments, but we've decided to stop paying them because we owe more than the house is worth. We're giving the house back to the bank.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

Oh, and has your husband ever lived anywhere else? I know you said your mom was originally from Canada and you've lived other places. I find people who stay where they are are a lot more leary of moving, thinking it will be super hard and this big production. At age 32, he could just not fathom "giving up" the life he's worked for for so long.

kikibaby · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:fde085c6-8065-43a3-8fe9-7e42d3f3b16c">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need a pep talk : I grew up right outside Jacksonville - it's the greatest place ever =) H has an IT summit there in March, I'm hoping he falls in love with it even more to move there eventually (like after we have kids - MS schools aren't very good). You should totally move there =)
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

I lived in Jacksonville for a couple of years- Mandarin, specifically. :)

Beachy730 · December 2010

What program did you get? I won't even try to lie, it's a giant PITA to get it set up properly and takes time to enter all of your info. And it takes some time to get used to using it. I had bought the program when we were dating because H used one and I wanted to try and get mine under control as well. I never set it up properly and would use it for about 2 weeks then stop. H is much better than me about using it, and he took the time to enter all the information into our new program together. All I have to do is maintain it while he is gone. But honestly it's a huge relief for me. It gives me a timeline of when all the bills are due and our paychecks, and tells us what to pay on each bill. Plus it breaks down your spending for you to see where you are spending it. If you have a joint account and you are good about keeping it up it will definitely pay off for you.

kikibaby · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:c73fbe82-4b95-4631-86b1-5e35eae8f10b">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and has your husband ever lived anywhere else? I know you said your mom was originally from Canada and you've lived other places. I find people who stay where they are are a lot more leary of moving, thinking it will be super hard and this big production. At age 32, he could just not fathom "giving up" the life he's worked for for so long.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

He's only lived in CO. Grew up in a small farm town, went to college in another small town, moved to the town his mom lived in, then bought the place he owns now.

kikibaby · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:9261fa31-0ec6-4c68-8760-b7a9b8d278be">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]What program did you get? I won't even try to lie, it's a giant PITA to get it set up properly and takes time to enter all of your info. And it takes some time to get used to using it. I had bought the program when we were dating because H used one and I wanted to try and get mine under control as well. I never set it up properly and would use it for about 2 weeks then stop. H is much better than me about using it, and he took the time to enter all the information into our new program together. All I have to do is maintain it while he is gone. But honestly it's a huge relief for me. It gives me a timeline of when all the bills are due and our paychecks, and tells us what to pay on each bill. Plus it breaks down your spending for you to see where you are spending it. If you have a joint account and you are good about keeping it up it will definitely pay off for you.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

That sounds kind of like what H bought. I haven't seen it yet, so I don't know exactly what it is. It seems really detailed like that.

annakb8 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-pep-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85bd047c-8190-4b8a-8113-23445d72427aPost:5646690f-9e79-41a0-bda0-091ed0fb26d5">Re: I need a pep talk</a>:
[QUOTE]dnb- We just bought some financial software, so hopefully it will help me stay on track better. Emily- it's more that he'd have an easy time finding a job in those cities. In his line of work, people change jobs frequently. So, he wants to be somewhere where there are several companies so he doesn't get stuck/stagnant. Snippy- I had some vodka last night! ;) Mery/Anna- I've off and on wanted to move for a few years. I grew up moving allll over the country, and now I've been in Denver for a long time. I just want a change. Plus, there's nothing I like to do in Denver- I'm not a hiking/skiing/granola kinda girl ;)
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]
Thats understandable. I don't like that stuff either and don't think I could live in Denver even though so many people love it. I am just meant to live in the South East. I could never go north of DC or west of New Orleans.

That sucks that he isn't sticking to the budget. I think when I try and implement our new budget I am going to have a hard time getting FI on board. If you figure out a way to do it, let me know.

I need a pep talk

Re: I need a pep talk

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