I feel like it's ruined for me

starladesiree · March 2010

If your concern is PURELY about the wedding day, then do things differently! Instead of cutting cake, cut pie. Or scoop ice cream, or pass out cookies or cupcakes, or feed each other chocolate covered fruit! Instead of a first dance, do a limbo, or something totally fun and off the wall. Instead of a unity candle ceremony, you can do a wine ceremony, or a sand ceremony, or skip it altogether. If you don't want a bouquet, then don't get one. There are alternatives to that too (a handbag, a family momento that has meaning to you). The key is to make the day distinctly about you two. Make it so full of personal touches and so much fun, that you won't have a moment to think "he's done this before..."

NJ Jen · March 2010

You asked a question on a board of people who are all in similar situations - remarrying. Several of us spoke frankly to you, and you immediately got very defensive. Several of us asked you to consider counseling, and you got angry.

First, no one suggested your feelings were not valid. I and many others commiserated with you.

We also asked you to consider looking at your relationship and your feelings with a counselor.

So now I ask. Five years from now, with the challenges of a blended family, should your marriage hit some bumps, would you just as quickly reject counseling?

MikesAngie · March 2010

Wow, I'm sorry that you want all the firsts - I get how important that is, but is it worth all the negativity and strife?

What is happening here is a lot of internal drama over at the most 8 hours of time that you will barely remember. You will want to take it all in and will try to remember it but you won't remember it all. There is so much activity before, during and after that it becomes a blur. The things you will remember his comments about how beautiful you look, the look in his eyes when he sees you for the first time that day and the way he holds you when you steal a quiet moment to smile and say "yes, we're husband and wife".

No two weddings are a like because no two relationships are a like, even the "traditions" are different because it's a wholy different relationship and you both will have certain things you want because you like them not for any other reason.

So MAMA if your relationship is perfect for you, and you want your day to be just yours then create magic memories. Research the meaning behind the traditions and embrace those which are important to you and your FI. What matters isn't what he's done before, but that he's sharing the experience with you and that you are who he chose to have by his side.

Bon Chance!

mehgank · March 2010

I'm a little late chiming in here, but I figured I'd throw in my two cents, since I'm actually in a situation that's on the flip side of the coin:

I was married previously, my FI has never even been in a long-term relationship. There's a lot about our wedding that we had to alter because he refused to do them since my ex did them at our wedding. For instance, no garter toss. It doesn't bother me one bit that he doesn't want to do it, since it was super-embarassing the first time. No harm, no foul.

It took me a long time to accept the fact that he didn't want to do stuff that I had previously done at my first wedding, but it's something I'm willing to find alternatives for because I know that in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter. Just let them go.

I've gotten my FI to go to pre-marriage prep and we're reading the book 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married and it has helped me understand him so much more. I highly suggest that you two get yourself some couples counseling and possibly start reading that book together.

Yes, I do think you're being slightly selfish, because you're denying him his first dance with you, your cake cutting, etc. Just keep in mind that while he may have done some of that stuff at his first wedding, he's NEVER done them with YOU before. It's not like you two were married to each other in the past, got divorced, and then are getting married again. Now that I could understand, since it would be like you were copycatting yourselves, but come on, this wedding will be a first for both of you since you've never married each other before.

LadyNLove1 · March 2010

I am also a first time bride and marrying a man who's been married before. So I can kind of understand how you feel. But if he honestly wants to do things with you at the wedding he's done before and you want too also, then you should do it. You don't want him to feel cheated. Maybe he wants to do those things with you even though he's done them before. My man is taking me and his three girls dress shopping this weekend. I was going to get the younger girls' online, but he wants to shop. How can I tell him no? If he wants to do those special wedding moments with you it's probably because he loves you and wants a great wedding with you. He will be sharing those moments with you. If it really bothers you then maybe you can do little things to make your ceremony unique. Nowadays, almost anything goes at weddings. Get creative, talk with your fella openly, and remember that he loves you. I know it can be kind of crazy, but hang in there. God bless!

thealphabride · March 2010

My fiance has been fully involved with the planning. We have been engaged for one year and three months now. For the first time on Sunday he expressed something he does not want in our wedding.

TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE, I was playing songs for my mom, and she said she loved "Unforgetable" and I played it for her. My fiance walked through the kitchen and said he danced to that song for their first dance and if he heard that song again he'd shoot himself.... and we all laughed. I said I didn't want to become a widow on my wedding day so that song will NOT be played. Mom concured.

Then he went on for the next minute or so about how bad memories come up when he hears that song. He hates it. OK my love, I get it. No unforgettable.

My point is, we are all second timers and these things are bound to come up.

Please don't cheat your parents and your finace out of this day. He deserves it, you deserve it. Hang on to that, and drop the rest. If you cannot let it go then GET HELP!

kristilee29 · March 2010

My significant other has been married twice bvefore and I feel the same way. However, don't mind being the enter of attention. It is a hard place to be in. I want to do all the fist and my hang up isn't that hey he's alreayd done this before. I know he loves me I know it would be right, but I always think what if when we're doign all this stuff he's alreayd done all it i doing is reminding him of his x's.

kristilee29 · March 2010

I wish I would have finished my last reply but als if he is going to marry again and he is willing to do what he can to make you feel better. I wouldnt let any anxiety ruin what will be the greatest day of your life. I know I will have to see past all of the things youa re too and look at th ebig pciture we are havgin our first day just liek you will be it's not his first with you and that si what matters!

thealphabride · March 2010

From your last post it sounds like you are really conflicted about it and so my only advice would be don't get married.

You say it's not about his past, your past, his or your future but just about this one day. You also say that your perfect wedding is something he clearly can't give you. The man marrying you and only you for the first time.

You have 2 choices. Get over it, or be unhappy on your wedding day so you can get to the other side, but I bet you have more issues after the wedding day, I feel there is something deeper going on here.

Sounds like you need a therapist because the only way to be married is to go through a wedding, and if you can't get through this one day and be happy then you have issues, because clearly after all this advice and all these posts, you are still highly conflicted. Maybe you are a commitment phobe or just very very scared to get married and it is being masked by this "first time" stuff.

daynalyntroy · April 2010

If you DO, think about it this way: this is not about what he did before. This is about yours and his first dance as man and wife, about you and him cutting YOUR cake, the cake that was made for his wedding to YOU. But most of all, make this about you and him, and do it the way you really want it.

This. Verbatim.

I feel like it's ruined for me

Re: I feel like it's ruined for me

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