Can't stand her kids!

FruitSnack84 · July 2012

Hey all

Fiancé has a remarkably trashy cousin with three completely out of control children whom she refuses to discipline. (ex: at church they have been known to lie down on the floor and kick the pews with no consequence, and at their grandma's funeral, they ran around and whined and one threw his toys into the aisle.)

Given their history of bad behavior, how can I go about telling her that I will be providing a babysitter for her kids during the ceremony? Other children in our families are well behaved and will be participating as flower girls and ring bearers.

I plan on only actually inviting her and not mentioning the kids, but I'm pretty sure she will bring them regardless.

Any advice on how I can avoid these little monsters while not causing major drama in the family? Thanks!!

whitsy · July 2012

I don't think you can TELL someone you're putting their children in charge of someone else that she may not even know. You can suggest that their will be a baby sitter available during the ceremony, but you can't force her to take her kids to the baby sitter. It's super unfortunate that they will probably misbehave, but that will reflect poorly on the mother.

wrigleyville · July 2012

Invite just her and her husband. If she adds the kids to the RSVP, call her and explain the invitation is for her and her husband only.

If you do get a babysitter, prepare for some backlash. It's a kind thought, but not all parents are comfortable leaving their kids with a stranger. Additionally, she might pitch a fit if she sees other kids at/in the ceremony but hers are under lock and key with a warden.

Either way you slice it, prepare for some drama.

achiduck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-stand-her-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30398cf9-6982-4457-85b8-16af3e5a0c32Post:a1985359-ebdf-41c6-b781-c2ed8e827bda">Can't stand her kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all :) Fiancé has a remarkably trashy cousin with three completely out of control children whom she refuses to discipline. (ex: at church they have been known to lie down on the floor and kick the pews with no consequence, and at their grandma's funeral, they ran around and whined and one threw his toys into the aisle.) <strong>Given their history of bad behavior, how can I go about telling her that I will be providing a babysitter for her kids during the ceremony?</strong> Other children in our families are well behaved and will be participating as flower girls and ring bearers. I plan on only actually inviting her and not mentioning the kids, but I'm pretty sure she will bring them regardless. Any advice on how I can avoid these little monsters while not causing major drama in the family? Thanks!!
Posted by FruitSnack84[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't. It sucks that she doesn't deal with her children's bad behaviour but she's an adult and if you invite her with her children it's her decision what to do with them. </div><div>
</div><div>The only polite way to get around this is to make a general rule like "no kids invited except FG/RB (if you have them)" and stick to it. If she RSVPs with her kids then you can call her and inform her that no children were invited to the wedding and you hope she can still make it. </div>

LittleMissCutiePie · July 2012

I would advise against this. If you want to have an all-adult wedding, is it's completely acceptable to have children as part of the WP, but that's where the cut off stops. Parents are incredibly apprehensive, I find, about leaving children with strangers, no matter if you assure them you've screened them or not. Just address the invite to her and her SO, if she has one, and if she RSVPs with the kids, call and apologize, but explain it's an adult only wedding, and if she starts whining about your WP members who are children, don't budge and just end the conversation with "I hope you understand, we hope you can make it".

J&K10910 · July 2012

I'm a little bit curious how your FI feels about all this. Does HE want the "monsters" there?

J&K10910 · July 2012

Children are not an "all or nothing" entity. You can absolutely pick and choose which children to invite, just as you can pick and choose which adults to invite.

Of course, it tends to go more smoothly if you have clear cut offs. People tend to get offended when their precious spawn are not invited to events, especially if other people's children are.

FruitSnack84 · July 2012

Thanks for your help, everybody! It will save me money not hiring a babysitter!

I'm pretty much screwed though, there are a few more kids we probably have to invite so there's no way I can discriminate against hers. Maybe I can get them to sit in the back? Also, how do I prevent her from wearing spandex club wear? J&K- he doesn't want them there either. Frankly, we would be thrilled if she didn't show up either. Wrigleyville- there is no husband. Three kids, two dads, neither involved.

specialk84 · July 2012

H has a cousin with similar parenting habits. We did not invite her to our wedding.

Out of his 25 first cousins on his mother's side alone, he only invited the two he actually sees on a regular basis. There's no reason you have to invite every single cousin, but it's better if you invite five out of 30, rather than 28 our of 30. KWIM?

Oh, and yes, there was drama. A fuckton of it. That was expected.

kmmssg · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-stand-her-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30398cf9-6982-4457-85b8-16af3e5a0c32Post:27994581-4ffb-4990-b2cb-626497c78ba3">Re: Can't stand her kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your help, everybody! It will save me money not hiring a babysitter! :) I'm pretty much screwed though, there are a few more kids we probably have to invite so there's no way I can discriminate against hers. Maybe I can get them to sit in the back? Also, how do I prevent her from wearing spandex club wear? J&K-<strong> he doesn't want them there either.</strong> Frankly, we would be thrilled if she didn't show up either. Wrigleyville- there is no husband. Three kids, two dads, neither involved.
Posted by FruitSnack84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>so don't invite them!!! Crappy parents with heinous children should pay the consequence for their behaviors. We used to be part of a set of 4 couples + children. 1 couple has procreated 4 of the the most heinous girls you will ever meet and do nothing to reign them in or discipline them.</div><div>
</div><div>I had long standing relationships with the children of the other 2 couples so I cut out the crappy parent couple from my get togethers. I refuse to give up my relationship with the other kids and go kid free with my get togethers. They've never said a word, but they know.</div><div>
</div><div>Someone in the family CAN take a stand if you are willing to put up with the grief. I'll bet most of the rest of the family would adore you for it. You don't have to put up with that unless you choose to.</div><div>
</div><div>And agree with J&K - kids are not an all or nothing deal. They are like any other category of guests whether it is coworker, neighbors, or church family. You invite whom you want to attend and be prepared to deal with the rude ones (ie parents) who ask why they weren't invited.</div><div>
</div><div>If you were one of my kids you would have my full support on this.

</div>

LittleMissCutiePie · July 2012

You use the word "discriminate" like you're being an evil person by not inviting them. Just don't. End of story.

wrigleyville · July 2012

I wouldn't invite her or her demon spawn. She might start drama, but oh well. It's your wedding, and you get to invite whoever you want.

ETA: Are either of your parents paying? If so, they get a say, but it sounds like she's not the most popular member of the family anyway. You could probably sway them into leaving her off the guest list, especially given the history of shenanigans at other family events.

Cortney1982 · July 2012

Since neither you or your FI want them there do not invite them. Just be glad it's a cousin and not a sibling. I was in a similar situation (my brother has a girldfriend with 2 horribly behaved children) and just decided to keep the peace and invite them all and then the GF decided to stay home with the kids at the last minute because she is anti social with my family.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2012

Just don't invite her or her demon children. Or just invite her and explain that the invitation is not for her kids if she RSVPs with them. If she's rude enough to actually show up for the ceremony with kids in tow even if they weren't invited, I think you're within your rights to have an usher direct the kids to the kid room. She can accompany them there if she doesn't want to leave the kids with a sitter.

JanoBean75 · July 2012

I don't understand why it's such a big deal to tell someone that her kids are disruptive. She gets mad, so what? But if they are running around during a funeral and making noise, someone needs to intervene and tell her to either settle them down or take them outside. Maybe my family is different, but not one of my aunts had any trouble telling any child (their own, or the nieces/nephews) to settle down when they were misbehaving during a ceremony.

The whole party line "it's reflective on her" means nothing unless she's called out on it.

If you don't want her there, don't invite her. If you don't want the kids there, make sure she understands there will not be a place for them at the reception.

kmmssg · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-stand-her-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30398cf9-6982-4457-85b8-16af3e5a0c32Post:14a8e2c5-19dc-438b-b934-92163be9c0f5">Re: Can't stand her kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why it's such a big deal to tell someone that her kids are disruptive. She gets mad, so what? But if they are running around during a funeral and making noise, someone needs to intervene and tell her to either settle them down or take them outside. Maybe my family is different, but not one of my aunts had any trouble telling any child (their own, or the nieces/nephews) to settle down when they were misbehaving during a ceremony. The whole party line "it's reflective on her" means nothing unless she's called out on it. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. If you don't want the kids there, make sure she understands there will not be a place for them at the reception.
Posted by JanoBean75[/QUOTE]

<div>VERY well said! It doesn't matter if it reflects poorly on the mother if her children are wreaking havoc during events. She needs to be called out on it. It still say the rest of the family would love OP for doing it.</div>

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