Should I stand up for myself?

Re: Should I stand up for myself?

• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2012

  Your title alone tells me yes, you should stand up for yourself. Honestly, if I was in your position, I wouldn't be looking to be nice about telling this woman to not dictate to me how much I should spend for her PPD when I myself am planning my own wedding. Stick to your guns and be firm. Put it any way you want, she's not going to take it well and will get upset. Her head is THAT far up her you-know-what. Sally should do the same. Don't be surprised if she decides to "let you go," then when she does, RUN!

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• ElisabethJoanne member

  

  January 2012

  Ah, coastal differences. Traveling across 2 states would not make up for a reasonable dress in California!
  
  Seriously, whenever this bride asks you or invites you to do something you're not comfortable spending money on, just say, "I can't afford it" or even "That sounds great, but I can't." For parties, even as a bridesmaid, the always-acceptable decline of social invitations still works, "I have a prior obligation" A "prior obligation" can include recovering from travel a week before. If the bride gets upset, stay calm. Say something like, "I know this is a very exciting/stressful/important time for you, but [repeat excuse]." Then try to change the subject or walk away. Do not provide additional information or explanations, which just invite an argument. She'll never think your reasons are good enough.

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• Simply Fated member

  

  January 2012

  You should always stand up for yourself. "Thank you, but I'll be taking care of my hair and make-up myself." "I appreciate that in your opinion the dress is affordable, but I still will only be able to attend one if the pre-wedding events." "I won't be able to attend -function-." Don't back down.

  
  

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-stand-up-myself?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:77176ca7-2c1c-4549-83ba-8828be5f28dfPost:0032cf3b-9ef2-4b28-b8c6-fb6b9d5a40e4">Re: Should I stand up for myself?</a>:
  [QUOTE]You should always stand up for yourself. "Thank you, but I'll be taking care of my hair and make-up myself." "I appreciate that in your opinion the dress is affordable, but I still will only be able to attend one if the pre-wedding events." "I won't be able to attend -function-." Don't back down.
  Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Simply is wise.</div>

  my to-read shelf:
  

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• LittleMissCutiePie

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-stand-up-myself?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:77176ca7-2c1c-4549-83ba-8828be5f28dfPost:5bedb4e5-7784-4749-aa11-368229d85428">Should I stand up for myself?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi ladies, I've lurked a LOT myself, so I know what is expected of bridesmaids (i.e. dress, clean, sober, etc.) and am a bride myself, and have given my girls a wide array of choices for their dresses and shoes. My very dear friend is getting married, and she is a little bit wrapped up in it all.  I will not go so far as to call her a bridezilla, I think she is just forgetting that y'all tell the new brides that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you will be.  I am a bridesmaid in this wedding. Most of her BP lives in her area.  The two who do not are myself (a few states away) and our very dear friend/college roomie, who is a few hours drive away.  This friend has been unemployed for a while and is now working a min. wage job (with a few degrees) and clearly doesn't have a lot of extra cash.  I am in a better financial situation, but am planning a wedding and saving for one and all that jazz. The bride has expressed dissatisfaction with the fact that the other maid (let's call her Sally) and I are thinking of coming to only one pre-wedding party, shower OR bachelorette.  The bachelorette is the weekend after a big family gathering for me and I don't really want to travel that far twice in as many weekends.  I can, however, attend the shower, and am planning to.  Sally is unsure of her plans, but will likely only attend one as well.  The bride is not happy with Sally, claiming that because the dresses were reasonably priced, it is ok for us to need to travel a lot. We are buying our own shoes - the exact style is not specified by the bride but, she wants them to be heels (NOT sandals, NOT flats) in a non-neutral color that Sally and I don't wear.  Fine.  I'll suck it up and buy the shoes and so will Sally. We got an email from the bride today about hair and make-up appointments.  She quoted us prices a while ago (about a year before her wedding) saying she wanted to be sure we all had financial info ahead of time.  I didn't read the email well because the wedding was a year away.  Now that is closer, she mentioned hair and makeup again.  Sally thinks she wants us all to get our hair done and pay for it ourselves.  The bride did express some displeasure when Mary, another bridesmaid, said she could do  her own makeup.  I'd really like to do my own hair and makeup because honestly, I don't really like it when my hair is professionally done and I don't wear a ton of makeup.  Sally feels pretty much the same way. The question is, how far should we push these issues.  I don't want to give the bride an etiquette lecture, so I'm trying to keep my emails light and neutral, while still stating my piece.  I know Sally feels guilty about not being able to go to all the parties and things like that, and I don't want things to get out of hand and for the bride to be very sore about this whole thing. CN: I'm in a wedding with a semi-demanding bride (attendance at parties, hair and makeup required, etc) and don't want to start a fight over this, advice needed about how to politely handle things if they get heated.
  Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]
  
  If you have to ask whether or not to stand up for yourself, that usually means you should. This bride is beyond rude, and clearly a 'zilla. She's demanding you to wear shoes in a specific colour and style? Then she needs to pay for them. She wants your hair and makeup professionally done? She needs to pay for it. She wants you to attend both events when travelling is an expense? She needs to grow up. The world does not revolved around her, wedding or not. Stand up for yourself, and if she gets angry, feel free to step down as a BM. If she feels that parties and hair and shoes are more important that treating you fairly, she doesn't deserve your friendship.

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• graysquirrel member

  

  January 2012

  I also think that you should stand your ground. Things beyond dresses that the bride requires are her financial obligation, not yours. And the idea that because she kept the dresse affordable you should travel is laughable! How do the 2 equate? She should have gotten your budget and worked with you, not acted like she was doing you a favor that you need to repay. I would say to do as pps suggested and give clear, firm, yet vague responses to her expectations.

  

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• pkontk member

  

  January 2012

  Thanks ladies.  I REALLY hope it doesn't come to me stepping down.  She is a very dear friend of mine.
  
  I asked partly because I'm so laid back as a bride (picking own dresses and shoes etc.) that I worry I'm not expecting enough of myself as a bridesmaid.
  
  She emailed me about the hair again and I can tell she is upset, but I'm going to see if I can try to talk her down from the ledge.
  

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• JNwedding31 member

  

  January 2012

  If she continues to freak out, the link to this board should be e-mailed to her so she can see that everyone thinks she is being unreasonable, not just you
  I hope it works out. She needs to breathe. Shoes & hair will not be remembered when you all look back at her wedding, but her attitude will.

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• AurorasEnvy

  

  January 2012

  I agree, if you tell her that you simply don't have the extra money to spend on hair, makeup, etc. after buying the dress, shoes, and traveling for other wedding related events, I can't see how she could be upset about that.  Especially since she knows you are planning (IE, paying for!) your wedding and that "Sally" isn't in the best financial situation.

  
  

  Maybe to soften the blow, ask what she had in mind for your overall hair/makeup look?  Maybe she has her heart set on a certain "look" that she wants her stylists to create for everyone.  Making your BMs do their hair/makeup the way you want is kind of asking a lot IMO, but I think it'd be a worthwhile compromise on your part.

  
  

  Stand your ground, though =]

  
  

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