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Wedding Invitations & Paper
casey414
member
preparing for a guestlist throwdown with FMIL
I'm getting married in April and I know that the guestlist should be in the works or more like close to being finished but I'm going to have a serious problem. My venue is booked for 300 (way more than I wanted) and my parents are paying. The problem is that FMIL wants to invite 300 people herself! So you say "just tell her no." But it's not that easy because any disagreement with her ends up with her yelling and screaming (and I'm not overexaggereting) because she isn't getting her way. And she is also going to use the excuse "they're not all going to come, but they will send gifts." Yes she is that rude! But what if they all do decide to come? And frankly I don't want gifts from all of her 300 people. That's just too much stuff! I've told fi that it's his job to deal with this, but I feel like I need to wait until after Christmas to keep the peace. I guess I'm not really asking any specific question here, just wondering if anyone had a similar experience or some helpful advice. Thanks Ladies!
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Re: preparing for a guestlist throwdown with FMIL
Stand your ground on inviting more people than you can hold in your venue, that almost always turns out bad.
You can tell her she is welcome to send out announcements to the people she was not able to invite after the wedding.
Your FI should be the one dealing with this. He need to go to her and say "Look, mom, you get 100 guests. Give me the names and addresses of the 100 you'd like to invite." If she screams and yells, that's her perogative, but it doesn't change anything. If she refuses to give a guest list, she can get 0.
And - I'd tell her that you won't tolerate screaming, etc. If she insists in doing that, you and your FI need to get up and leave, together. Not just you. Together. If she doesn't give you the list, nobody gets invited.
Here's the thing - if you (and by you, I mean you AND YOUR FI) let her run over you, she'll continue to do that the rest of your lives. This is an event that is for you, and about you. Your parents are generously paying for it. Personally, I think your FI should set the guest list for his family, but it's fine to include her - to a point. It's not fine to just let her have her way all the time. Especially when they're not reasonable or in keeping with everything else going on.
Also, keep in mind that she can only argue with you if you argue back. Set the rule, and walk away. Don't engage in conversation with her on this subject. It's definitely not worth your time.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
That being said, a lot of people I know won't be invited due to budget and guest list size. I hate to do it, but it will only be friends and family we are close to. My FI and I are apying for 90%, so its our list to make. Our guest list will be 200 or less if it kills me, and it may!! LOL
Talk to your parents since they are paying, but decide how far out you are going to extend in terms of family - immediate family, grandparents, aunts/uncles, first cousins, second cousins. Decide how many friends you and FI get to invite, and how many friends your parents can invite.
Tell FMIL how many seats she gets at the reception, including any children or significant others of those guests, and let her know which of her friends and family are already on your lists. Make it clear that venue capacity/budget/whatever don't allow for additional guests. Not going to say that there might not be issues still, but at that point you've done your best to be fair.
She can send announcements after the wedding to those who were not invited if she insists.
Planning/Married Biology
My mom agreed to pare down her guest list by a ton - the list of first cousins she is closest to and their spouses totaled almost 50 people alone. My generation has taken to not inviting the entire huge family in the last couple years.
Despite us saying that we were not inviting the big familes to our 100 person wedding, FMIL thought that surely family was automatically invited and included in that count - meaning people whose names FI doesn't even know. I'm not sure why he hadn't informed her of that earlier though. They went to a family wedding overseas recently that had ~300 in attendance from nearly every continent.
Planning/Married Biology
photo by Scott Metzger
kikijbird ~ Erica (aka Kiki) & Paul ~ 24 April 2010
The JBirds Bio ~ Updated 03.02.10 - Invites!
I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends complain about being invited to some bridal shower for some girl they've never met and feeling obligated to go.