preparing for a guestlist throwdown with FMIL

casey414

I'm getting married in April and I know that the guestlist should be in the works or more like close to being finished but I'm going to have a serious problem. My venue is booked for 300 (way more than I wanted) and my parents are paying. The problem is that FMIL wants to invite 300 people herself! So you say "just tell her no." But it's not that easy because any disagreement with her ends up with her yelling and screaming (and I'm not overexaggereting) because she isn't getting her way. And she is also going to use the excuse "they're not all going to come, but they will send gifts." Yes she is that rude! But what if they all do decide to come? And frankly I don't want gifts from all of her 300 people. That's just too much stuff! I've told fi that it's his job to deal with this, but I feel like I need to wait until after Christmas to keep the peace. I guess I'm not really asking any specific question here, just wondering if anyone had a similar experience or some helpful advice. Thanks Ladies!

SarahPLiz

Just because you parents are paying doesn't mean that your FI's family gets no spots on the guest list. I think that your parents should set their top limit and then make a fair offerring to FI on how many can be invited from his side side. Then he and his mother can come up with a guest list based on that number. She can be as childish as she wants to be, but that does not change the capacity of your venue.

Stand your ground on inviting more people than you can hold in your venue, that almost always turns out bad.

You can tell her she is welcome to send out announcements to the people she was not able to invite after the wedding.

MyNameIsNot

Come up with a number she can invite.  It sounds like maybe 100 would be doable, and is pretty generous. 

Your FI should be the one dealing with this.  He need to go to her and say "Look, mom, you get 100 guests.  Give me the names and addresses of the 100 you'd like to invite."  If she screams and yells, that's her perogative, but it doesn't change anything.  If she refuses to give a guest list, she can get 0.

squirrly

You and your FI need to present a united front, very soon after Christmas.  Give her a fixed number that she can invite.  Let her know of anybody that is already on your list (like your FI's siblings, cousins, etc. that he may have already included).  The easiest way to do it is to give you 75 guests, FI 75 guests, your parents 75 guests, and your FILs 75 guests.  Tell her to submit her list NUMBERED.  Then, the first 75 get invites.  If your FI only gives you 73 names, you can add # 76 & 77 from her list. 

And - I'd tell her that you won't tolerate screaming, etc.  If she insists in doing that, you and your FI need to get up and leave, together.  Not just you.  Together.  If she doesn't give you the list, nobody gets invited.

Here's the thing - if you (and by you, I mean you AND YOUR FI) let her run over you, she'll continue to do that the rest of your lives.  This is an event that is for you, and about you.  Your parents are generously paying for it.  Personally, I think your FI should set the guest list for his family, but it's fine to include her - to a point.   It's not fine to just let her have her way all the time.  Especially when they're not reasonable or in keeping with everything else going on.

Also, keep in mind that she can only argue with you if you argue back.  Set the rule, and walk away.  Don't engage in conversation with her on this subject.  It's definitely not worth your time.

fairy_diva

Your FMI actually knows 300 more people to add to a 300 guest list wedding?  In addition to the ones your FI has added himself? HOLY COW!
That being said, a lot of people I know won't be invited due to budget and guest list size. I hate to do it, but it will only be friends and family we are close to.  My FI and I are apying for 90%, so its our list to make.  Our guest list will be 200 or less if it kills me, and it may!! LOL

gottahavashorti

fairy, my mom and FMIL could probably each create a guest list of 300 people if they wanted to - and mostly just family.  They have very large extended families and are from countries where family is very important.

Talk to your parents since they are paying, but decide how far out you are going to extend in terms of family - immediate family, grandparents, aunts/uncles, first cousins, second cousins.  Decide how many friends you and FI get to invite, and how many friends your parents can invite. 

Tell FMIL how many seats she gets at the reception, including any children or significant others of those guests, and let her know which of her friends and family are already on your lists.  Make it clear that venue capacity/budget/whatever don't allow for additional guests.  Not going to say that there might not be issues still, but at that point you've done your best to be fair.

She can send announcements after the wedding to those who were not invited if she insists.

fairy_diva

Guess I should have said 300 additional people close enough to want at your wedding.  We both have huge families, (my FI is from a family that is actually known in the US for having one of the largest reunions) and we both lots of people, esp in our professional lines of work, but not well enough to invite and pay for them to be at my wedding.  Shoot we can't walk through a store or mall with out stopping 5 times just for people that FI knows.  I'm not even inviting my entire office like the last girl did when she got married.

gottahavashorti

Unfortunately, the people some parents consider close enough to want at a wedding aren't always the same as that of the bride and groom. 

My mom agreed to pare down her guest list by a ton - the list of first cousins she is closest to and their spouses totaled almost 50 people alone.  My generation has taken to not inviting the entire huge family in the last couple years.

Despite us saying that we were not inviting the big familes to our 100 person wedding, FMIL thought that surely family was automatically invited and included in that count - meaning people whose names FI doesn't even know.  I'm not sure why he hadn't informed her of that earlier though.  They went to a family wedding overseas recently that had ~300 in attendance from nearly every continent.

kikibird

Hey Casey, I'm another April bride!  Feel free to join us on the April 2010 club board, if you haven't found it already!  

I don't have much else to suggest that pp's haven't said, but wanted to say hi and wish you luck.  Try to stand firm, and enlist FI's help managing his own mother as much as you can.  FMIL should definitely be allowed to submit her preferred guest list (in rank order as others mentioned), but she should be adult enough to understand that at this point in the game, there are constraints to how many she can invite.  

I hope it all works out!  Hang in there!

LesaBear

Wow and I thought my FMIL's 100 list was bad. My FI talked to her about it several times and about how we really wanted an intimate wedding. She insisted on inviting people she knew from grade school so we just took her list smiling and only invited those FI knew and wanted there. None of her crazy invites that we did compromise on even returned the RSVP so she was silenced by her own craziness. Stand firm and good luck!

newgate309

You're going to have to just give her a limit and let her have her meltdown. Explain that there is not unlimited seating, and the room is booked for 300. 

casey414

Thanks for the support everyone! Good idea whoever said to get a list in rank order. I hadn't thought of that. And to anyone who is surprised that she knows 300 people to invite, if you want to come down to New Orleans and spend an afternoon with her you will probably be added to her list. She is that ridiculous! People that FI doesn't even know are on that list. Her guest list for my bridal shower is 60 people! My MOH thinks I should let her invite everyone she wants to the shower to avoid the conflict, but I'm not happy about it! Can you imagine how long it will take to open all of those gifts?!

MyNameIsNot

Yeah, that shower list is ridiculous.  There shouldn't be anyone at the shower that you don't personally know.  It really shouldn't be anyone that you aren't close to, except maybe FMIL and FI's grandmothers and sisters.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends complain about being invited to some bridal shower for some girl they've never met and feeling obligated to go.