In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:d2976557-36c0-447f-b8d6-f6e398a28b63">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]I said they are common in Southern Illinois. Can you not read? <strong>What is tacky.. Brides who have been married for a year and post on theknot to be mean and bully other brides. Get a life.</strong> I am having an open bar. Its not the norm here. And I sure as hell wouldn't be offended asking to pay for alcohol. Alcohol is not a priority. As long as guests have something to drink they should be happy. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
If there were no marrieds here it would just be a bunch of inexperienced people giving all kinds of bad advice.
I also don't think that anyone was being mean. Blunt yes, mean no.
Here's an example:
BLUNT: I think cash bars are tacky
MEAN: Cash bars are tacky you stupid cheap biitch.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:d2976557-36c0-447f-b8d6-f6e398a28b63">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]<strong>I said they are common in Southern Illinois. Can you not read?</strong> What is tacky.. Brides who have been married for a year and post on theknot to be mean and bully other brides. Get a life. I am having an open bar. Its not the norm here. And I sure as hell wouldn't be offended asking to pay for alcohol. Alcohol is not a priority. As long as guests have something to drink they should be happy. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
You said they're common in the Midwest. Is it that difficult to remember what you just posted?
And I have a life. I'm on my way to church before my baby shower. I'm not "bullying" other brides. I'm telling you what is and isn't appropriate. If you can't afford alcohol don't have it - but don't ask your guests to pay for it.
And don't make it sound like if you're providing it then it's this fabulous extra that your guests should really appreciate. They're your GUESTS. You ASKED them to be there in the first place.
OP- Decorum says that cash bars are rude, as you are not hosting your guests. However, you do not need alcohol, if your entertainment is good enough, you shouldn't need the drinks. But having your guests pay for their drinks is rude, as a hostess.
The circles that you run in may have cash bars as the norm, fine. But you can't go blanket commenting whole regions.
For our wedding, we are having hosted beer and wine. Those who we know ONLY drink certain liquors have been informed via word of mouth that there will be no hard liquor, and they will bring their own flasks. We are also possibly being offensive by not having champagne, instead we are having prosecco. The point is, it all depends on how you massage your budget.
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Thats because they are common in the Midwest. I've lived in the midwest all of my life and nearly every wedding I have been to has been cash bar. (Not just the back woods redneck ones)..
And you do bully brides. I've read your posts before. Its nice that your trying to be helpful, but you can be tactful without sounding rude. And I know I'm not the only one that thinks that.
And as GUESTS they are getting drinks. Wedding does not equal alcohol. Weddings can be completely enjoyable without alcohol. If you're going to a wedding to get drunk you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Some people are going to insist on alcohol, and if thats something they HAVE to have then they can pay for it.
Casey, I'd like for you to go back, re-read this, and explain where:
--Any of the no-cash-bar folks were rude. This has been one of the most civil cash bar discussions I've seen. --Anyone said you have to serve alcohol (in fact, a lot of folks pointed out that you don't) --Anyone bullied you or the original poster.
Those of us who are married stick around to give advice on etiquette so that people don't fall into common etiquette mistakes. Telling you something you're not excited to hear is not bullying. It's an attempt, however vain, to help you.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:cd3cdf12-322e-4fae-8ca4-4a8d423df6e9">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]Thats because they are common in the Midwest. I've lived in the midwest all of my life and nearly every wedding I have been to has been cash bar. (Not just the back woods redneck ones).. And you do bully brides. I've read your posts before. Its nice that your trying to be helpful, but you can be tactful without sounding rude. And I know I'm not the only one that thinks that. And as GUESTS they are getting drinks. <strong>Wedding does not equal alcohol. Weddings can be completely enjoyable without alcohol</strong>. If you're going to a wedding to get drunk you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Some people are going to insist on alcohol, and if thats something they HAVE to have then they can pay for it. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
Casey... from an etiquette standpoint, cash bars are rude. The end. People have been trying to explain why. If you are going to host an event, then you are obligated to fulfill the guest's food/drink/entertainment/comfort needs. Just because one of those things is expensive, doesn't mean you can just say "oh, hell with that. Let them pay for it." No one ever pays for their own plated dinner or part of the DJ. And I bet you'd find that rather tacky, too.
Let's be real - people don't want to pay for the alcohol part because it is leaps and bounds more expensive than the other things necessary for hosting. If that is the case, you have a few options: 1. Cut the guest list to a number you can properly host, 2. Keep the guest list as is and have a dry wedding, 3. Keep the guest list as is and host beer/wine/signature drink.
There are ways around it. Saying "my area does this" doesn't make it good etiquette. It means that particular breach of etiquette is tolerated in your particular social circle.
You can still do it, your guests from your social circle (not everyone will be, for the record) will tolerate it, but it doesn't make it any more right.
If you had read my previous post you would know that I am having an open bar. But thats cause I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it they would pay for it and I wouldn't think twice about it.
They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all. No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining.
Alcohol is not mandatory as presents are not mandatory. If you can afford to pay for alcohol fine, if not, thats fine too. Not everyone needs alcohol to have a good time.
And you etiqutte ladies can stick up for each other as much as you like. Most of you are bullies, and everyone on TK knows it.
I'm glad the married ladies are here. Half the questions I have are about what to expect at my wedding, and other unmarried people aren't going to know the answers to those questions. Plus, the married ladies are awesome.
I also think it's funny that you're picking on Banana of all people, who stays out of all the stupid interpersonal drama on these boards and just does what she does, which is to dispense excellent etiquette advice. I love it when Banana posts over here.
That said, I can't get it up for fighting about cash bars anymore. I'm not doing one, thank goodness, and I don't move in any circles where such a thing is practiced. So, whatever.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:b2f24550-7e1f-460c-9527-828a314b2afc">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : The whole geographic thing is bullshiit. There are people from all over the US, canada and elsewhere that agree cash bars are not proper etiquette. Using that as excuse is ridiculous. Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
<div>i don't think it's a geographic issue as much as a class/socio economic issue. it's obviously acceptable in some circles and not in others.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:0d62dfaf-7494-4971-93bf-199f81c8589f">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE] They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all. No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
And if you read my post, you'd cleary see that I said there were ways of dealing with alcohol money problems that didn't at all resort to "well, no marrige for you!"
But thanks for the personal attack. You're klassy.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:0d62dfaf-7494-4971-93bf-199f81c8589f">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]If you had read my previous post you would know that I am having an open bar. But thats cause I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it they would pay for it and I wouldn't think twice about it.<strong> They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all.</strong> No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining. Alcohol is not mandatory as presents are not mandatory. If you can afford to pay for alcohol fine, if not, thats fine too. Not everyone needs alcohol to have a good time. And you etiqutte ladies can stick up for each other as much as you like. Most of you are bullies, and everyone on TK knows it. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
Whoa there, drama llama. I don't think anybody said that. We are discussing whether cash bars are good etiquette. They're not. They're accepted in some locales/social circles/whatever, but that doesn't mean they are good etiquette. A lot of people here feel very strongly about making sure that we don't host events where any guest has to pay for any part of it. But nobody said that your wedding is invalid if you don't have alcohol. People are just saying that one should have the wedding one can afford without asking guests to pay for anything.
I'm a grad student living on a limited salary. FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and we've already been saving for about two years, with ten months to go. We booked a reception site where we can bring in our own alcohol, and so we're going to do beer and wine, and we're picking up a case of wine here and there so that we're not hit with a big liquor bill at the end.
This is an example of how to have an open bar on a budget.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:0d62dfaf-7494-4971-93bf-199f81c8589f">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]If you had read my previous post you would know that I am having an open bar. But thats cause I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it they would pay for it and I wouldn't think twice about it. <strong>They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all.</strong> No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining. Alcohol is not mandatory as presents are not mandatory. If you can afford to pay for alcohol fine, if not, thats fine too. Not everyone needs alcohol to have a good time. And you etiqutte ladies can stick up for each other as much as you like. Most of you are bullies, and everyone on TK knows it. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
No it's not the case, and I'd still like you to point out where anyone said that, or anything like it. We've made suggestions about how to afford the alcohol. Some people have suggested skipping alcohol. No one has ever said that you can't or shouldn't get married without it.
That's not me sticking up for anyone, that's reading comprehension.
Ehh, I fail to get all up in arms about these things. Yes, a cash bar is rude from an etiquette perspective (and yes, this is an etiquette board), but if your circle of family/friends (NOT your geographic region) isn't full of etiquette sticklers, then they probably won't care very much. I'm sure there are some people who would never even expect an open bar in the first place - even though they would totally prefer an open bar if given the choice.
Then again, I also fail to get up in arms about putting registry information in invitations, too.
The only thing that kind of annoys me, like PPs were mentioning, is if your wedding is "fancy" in other respects but you have a cash bar. Like, if you can spend $100's or $1000's on your dress and invitations, then you could probably redo your budget.
FWIW, I DIYed my invitations for $75 and had a $200 dress and a full open bar because I felt like if people were traveling from all over the country to be there, then I wanted to take care of them.
In my family and circle of friends, cash bars are unfortunately the norm. After my cousin's wedding though - I swore that I would NEVER provide a cash or limited bar to my guests. She had a designer ($3000+) dress, hosted the reception at one of the MOST ridiculously expensive hotels in our area, and then didn't serve food and had a cash bar. With 150+ guests. It was odd when we were told after the ceremony: Ok - now you have 1.5 hours to go and eat, then show up at this really nice hotel to dance afterwards. Drinks were all $9+. They had their grand entrance at 9:30. I was out the door before 10:30. It was not a fun wedding. Guess what though? Food was provided to and drinks were free for the 12 members of the wedding party. My cousin was the Queen of worst wedding ever.
I had an open bar for the first time in my family. Guess what? No one complained about it.
Well my original point is that while etiquette may state one thing you ladies really could be more tactful in what you say. Someone asks a genuine question and you jump on them like they will go to hell for having a cash bar.
I think "sound advice" would be that etiqutte disapproves of a cash bar, but no one as ever died from having one.
To expand the geographic factor, we are getting married in Ireland where open bars are unheard of. We were at a wedding this summer where no expense was spared--reception in a castle, top service, etc., and it was a cash bar after dinner (free champagne toast and wine during dinner). It's not a matter of expense or stinginess, it's just how it's done.
My guy is Irish and it's the only point we've had to compromise on, as I'm American and used to open bars. Came to find out that we couldn't even get a quote for an open bar. We've agreed on a champagne toast, wine during dinner, and free beer/wine afterward. Even this arrangement is nearly 2x our food costs for 60 people!
I think I'd rather have bluntness here and then do the right thing out in the real world with my friends and family, than get softpedalled here and then go out and offend people that I love, or treat them badly.
This is just the way we talk about things here, and really this discussion about cash bars has been pretty tame compared to some of the throwdowns of yore.
It seems like you are mostly upset because people don't seem to share your opinion of how serious an etiquette breach a cash bar is. And if that's the case, who's the one being unreasonable?
I think all omgitscasey's trying to say is that for a group of women supposedly so well-versed in etiquette, you have a remarkably difficult time expressing yourselves with tact and decorum. For example, brides on here get called names all the time (twatwaffle, for example, has appeared in more than one thread, I believe). Even calling someone tacky is not polite, and therefore not really following proper etiquette. Proper etiquette would be to say "wellll, a cash bar is not proper etiquette." Done. You would have satisfied the OP's original question in a manner fit for an etiquette board. Grow up and behave like ladies, ladies.
I'm sure you'll all enjoy flaming me for pointing out the sheer hipocrisy of claiming to be etiquette queens and simultaneously being rude to people. I'll leave you to your cyberbullying. Enjoy!
I agree with PPs. If you're going low-budget for your wedding and, for lack of a better term, it shows. Then cash bar is ok. But if you're having a 200 person wedding for around $25k, then a cash bar is annoying. I'm keeping my guest list to a reasonable amount so I can have the wedding I want with the people closest to us... open bar included.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:aeed6653-7d3c-484a-bc01-7418cc61166e">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]I think I'd rather have bluntness here and then do the right thing out in the real world with my friends and family, than get softpedalled here and then go out and offend people that I love, or treat them badly. This is just the way we talk about things here, and really this discussion about cash bars has been pretty tame compared to some of the throwdowns of yore. It seems like you are mostly upset because people don't seem to share your opinion of how serious an etiquette breach a cash bar is. And if that's the case, who's the one being unreasonable? Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]
Ditto all of this.
I don't think posters should be forced to coddle other posters because they might be overly sensitive. Welcome to the real world. Suck it up.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:9f94d11b-a554-41ca-9119-49b7345b9f94">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : No, not the end of the world, but if I walked into a wedding wth a cash bar, I'd be leaving after dinner. Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]
^That is rude. Staying just for dinner because they aren't paying for alcohol? WOW.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : The whole geographic thing is bullshiit. There are people from all over the US, canada and elsewhere that agree cash bars are not proper etiquette. Using that as excuse is ridiculous. Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
^Saying what some else says in bullshit? Also rude. Even if it is true.
[QUOTE]This is the etiquette board, and you have asked an etiquette question. Cash bars are totally against etiquette. No excuse. <strong>Trying to throw a wedding in which you cannot afford to be a good hostess is tacky, tacky, tacky!</strong> I am sorry that you do not like the responses you are getting, but this will be the response you get from your "guests". It is like when I shop in Target, and they insist on referring to me as a "guest" instead of a "paying customer", which is what I am when I go shopping. I do not expect to go shopping (for drinks) at a wedding where I am supposed to be a guest. It is not necessary to serve alcohol at a wedding, but if you do, for heaven's sake serve what you can afford to offer your guests! Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
^ Calling a hostess tacky because she isn't hosting alcohol.
C'mon now. Three posts in this thread alone that are very rude. I'm not saying to be all puppies and rainbows but cyber-bullying is defintely not proper etiquette.
I also want to say that if the wedding was for someone I cared about (which, presumably, would be why I was going to it in the first place), I'd stay until close to the end even if there was a cash bar/no bar. I would never leave after dinner just because there was a cash bar - I spend plenty of nights either not drinking or paying for my drinks, and even though I might be slightly annoyed at a cash bar at the wedding, it wouldn't be the end of the world.
Saying you'd leave after dinner kind of sounds like you're just in it for the free stuff (the food). That's not why I go to weddings - I go because I care about the people and want to celebrate their marriage.
I fail to see how anything in this post could be taken as cyberbullying.
I also think people as a whole are too easily offended and far too sensitive. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and misery if you're actually THAT offended by what anyone has said here.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:65bb0d2c-b144-41c6-a4c8-546ac0757998">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : ^That is rude. Staying just for dinner because they aren't paying for alcohol? WOW. ^Saying what some else says in bullshit? Also rude. Even if it is true. ^ Calling a hostess tacky because she isn't hosting alcohol. C'mon now. Three posts in this thread alone that are very rude. I'm not saying to be all puppies and rainbows but cyber-bullying is defintely not proper etiquette. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
Perhaps folks around here could be a bit more tactful, but lack of tact is no crime. None of this is cyberbullying. Please don't throw that word around lightly. Cyberbullying is a crime.
Your first two examples, meh whatever, but in your third example, saying that being a bad hostess is tacky is not the same thing as saying that not having alcohol is tacky.
Basically, I know how much money I have, and what I can afford. I figure out how to have a nice party with the money I have, without asking my guests to pay for anything. I figure out how much it costs per guest. Then I invite that number of guests. If instead, I invite way too many guests, and don't make sure they have enough to eat and drink, and spend a lot of money on my dress and other stupid things, then I am tacky.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:65bb0d2c-b144-41c6-a4c8-546ac0757998">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : ^That is rude. Staying just for dinner because they aren't paying for alcohol? WOW. ^Saying what some else says in bullshit? Also rude. Even if it is true. ^ Calling a hostess tacky because she isn't hosting alcohol. C'mon now. Three posts in this thread alone that are very rude. I'm not saying to be all puppies and rainbows but cyber-bullying is defintely not proper etiquette. Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE] You go right ahead and think I'm rude. There is no wedding guest related rule that says I have to stay until you say I can go home. I would have no money with me to pay for a cash bar, and I would find it rude that you (you meaning the host) would ask me to open up my wallet. Am I required to drink? Or course not. But if I stayed, I would not be having fun. <div>And I fail to see how me saying I would leave after dinner in any way constitutes cyber-bullying. Come on now. OP asked a specific question - "Would people be offended?" I answered honestly and said I would be.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-really-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a18fbce-ee39-42a9-b76a-841267793064Post:c69fea03-99a3-4c52-b6a9-bd1049da7293">Re: is a cash bar really that bad?</a>: [QUOTE]Am I required to drink? Or course not. But if I stayed, I would not be having fun. Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]
Really? Do you only have fun when you drink? Granted, the only non-open bar I've been to was a dry wedding in the afternoon, but it was still perfectly pleasant to eat food and sit around chatting with friends.
Re: is a cash bar really that bad?
[QUOTE]I said they are common in Southern Illinois. Can you not read? <strong>What is tacky.. Brides who have been married for a year and post on theknot to be mean and bully other brides. Get a life.</strong> I am having an open bar. Its not the norm here. And I sure as hell wouldn't be offended asking to pay for alcohol. Alcohol is not a priority. As long as guests have something to drink they should be happy.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
If there were no marrieds here it would just be a bunch of inexperienced people giving all kinds of bad advice.
I also don't think that anyone was being mean. Blunt yes, mean no.
Here's an example:
BLUNT: I think cash bars are tacky
MEAN: Cash bars are tacky you stupid cheap biitch.
See the difference?
[QUOTE]<strong>I said they are common in Southern Illinois. Can you not read?</strong> What is tacky.. Brides who have been married for a year and post on theknot to be mean and bully other brides. Get a life. I am having an open bar. Its not the norm here. And I sure as hell wouldn't be offended asking to pay for alcohol. Alcohol is not a priority. As long as guests have something to drink they should be happy.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
You said they're common in the Midwest. Is it that difficult to remember what you just posted?
And I have a life. I'm on my way to church before my baby shower. I'm not "bullying" other brides. I'm telling you what is and isn't appropriate. If you can't afford alcohol don't have it - but don't ask your guests to pay for it.
And don't make it sound like if you're providing it then it's this fabulous extra that your guests should really appreciate. They're your GUESTS. You ASKED them to be there in the first place.
And you do bully brides. I've read your posts before. Its nice that your trying to be helpful, but you can be tactful without sounding rude. And I know I'm not the only one that thinks that.
And as GUESTS they are getting drinks. Wedding does not equal alcohol. Weddings can be completely enjoyable without alcohol. If you're going to a wedding to get drunk you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Some people are going to insist on alcohol, and if thats something they HAVE to have then they can pay for it.
--Any of the no-cash-bar folks were rude. This has been one of the most civil cash bar discussions I've seen.
--Anyone said you have to serve alcohol (in fact, a lot of folks pointed out that you don't)
--Anyone bullied you or the original poster.
Those of us who are married stick around to give advice on etiquette so that people don't fall into common etiquette mistakes. Telling you something you're not excited to hear is not bullying. It's an attempt, however vain, to help you.
Miss Mrs.
[QUOTE]Thats because they are common in the Midwest. I've lived in the midwest all of my life and nearly every wedding I have been to has been cash bar. (Not just the back woods redneck ones).. And you do bully brides. I've read your posts before. Its nice that your trying to be helpful, but you can be tactful without sounding rude. And I know I'm not the only one that thinks that. And as GUESTS they are getting drinks. <strong>Wedding does not equal alcohol. Weddings can be completely enjoyable without alcohol</strong>. If you're going to a wedding to get drunk you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Some people are going to insist on alcohol, and if thats something they HAVE to have then they can pay for it.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
Casey... from an etiquette standpoint, cash bars are rude. The end. People have been trying to explain why. If you are going to host an event, then you are obligated to fulfill the guest's food/drink/entertainment/comfort needs. Just because one of those things is expensive, doesn't mean you can just say "oh, hell with that. Let them pay for it." No one ever pays for their own plated dinner or part of the DJ. And I bet you'd find that rather tacky, too.
Let's be real - people don't want to pay for the alcohol part because it is leaps and bounds more expensive than the other things necessary for hosting. If that is the case, you have a few options: 1. Cut the guest list to a number you can properly host, 2. Keep the guest list as is and have a dry wedding, 3. Keep the guest list as is and host beer/wine/signature drink.
There are ways around it. Saying "my area does this" doesn't make it good etiquette. It means that particular breach of etiquette is tolerated in your particular social circle.
You can still do it, your guests from your social circle (not everyone will be, for the record) will tolerate it, but it doesn't make it any more right.
And lay off Banana. She is fabulous.
If you had read my previous post you would know that I am having an open bar. But thats cause I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it they would pay for it and I wouldn't think twice about it.
They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all. No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining.
Alcohol is not mandatory as presents are not mandatory. If you can afford to pay for alcohol fine, if not, thats fine too. Not everyone needs alcohol to have a good time.
And you etiqutte ladies can stick up for each other as much as you like. Most of you are bullies, and everyone on TK knows it.
I also think it's funny that you're picking on Banana of all people, who stays out of all the stupid interpersonal drama on these boards and just does what she does, which is to dispense excellent etiquette advice. I love it when Banana posts over here.
That said, I can't get it up for fighting about cash bars anymore. I'm not doing one, thank goodness, and I don't move in any circles where such a thing is practiced. So, whatever.
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : The whole geographic thing is bullshiit. There are people from all over the US, canada and elsewhere that agree cash bars are not proper etiquette. Using that as excuse is ridiculous.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
<div>i don't think it's a geographic issue as much as a class/socio economic issue. it's obviously acceptable in some circles and not in others.</div>
[QUOTE] They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all. No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
And if you read my post, you'd cleary see that I said there were ways of dealing with alcohol money problems that didn't at all resort to "well, no marrige for you!"
But thanks for the personal attack. You're klassy.
[QUOTE]If you had read my previous post you would know that I am having an open bar. But thats cause I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it they would pay for it and I wouldn't think twice about it.<strong> They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all.</strong> No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining. Alcohol is not mandatory as presents are not mandatory. If you can afford to pay for alcohol fine, if not, thats fine too. Not everyone needs alcohol to have a good time. And you etiqutte ladies can stick up for each other as much as you like. Most of you are bullies, and everyone on TK knows it.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
Whoa there, drama llama. I don't think anybody said that. We are discussing whether cash bars are good etiquette. They're not. They're accepted in some locales/social circles/whatever, but that doesn't mean they are good etiquette. A lot of people here feel very strongly about making sure that we don't host events where any guest has to pay for any part of it. But nobody said that your wedding is invalid if you don't have alcohol. People are just saying that one should have the wedding one can afford without asking guests to pay for anything.
I'm a grad student living on a limited salary. FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and we've already been saving for about two years, with ten months to go. We booked a reception site where we can bring in our own alcohol, and so we're going to do beer and wine, and we're picking up a case of wine here and there so that we're not hit with a big liquor bill at the end.
This is an example of how to have an open bar on a budget.
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
[QUOTE]If you had read my previous post you would know that I am having an open bar. But thats cause I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it they would pay for it and I wouldn't think twice about it. <strong>They way you ladies put things is that if you can't afford a cash bar then you shouldn't be getting married and thats not the case at all.</strong> No one is going to die because their ALCOHOL isn't paid for. Why must you feel that you need alcohol at your wedding? Are you that boring that you need alcohol to make you event entertaining. Alcohol is not mandatory as presents are not mandatory. If you can afford to pay for alcohol fine, if not, thats fine too. Not everyone needs alcohol to have a good time. And you etiqutte ladies can stick up for each other as much as you like. Most of you are bullies, and everyone on TK knows it.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
No it's not the case, and I'd still like you to point out where anyone said that, or anything like it. We've made suggestions about how to afford the alcohol. Some people have suggested skipping alcohol. No one has ever said that you can't or shouldn't get married without it.
That's not me sticking up for anyone, that's reading comprehension.
Miss Mrs.
Then again, I also fail to get up in arms about putting registry information in invitations, too.
The only thing that kind of annoys me, like PPs were mentioning, is if your wedding is "fancy" in other respects but you have a cash bar. Like, if you can spend $100's or $1000's on your dress and invitations, then you could probably redo your budget.
FWIW, I DIYed my invitations for $75 and had a $200 dress and a full open bar because I felt like if people were traveling from all over the country to be there, then I wanted to take care of them.
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I had an open bar for the first time in my family. Guess what? No one complained about it.
Married Bio
Well my original point is that while etiquette may state one thing you ladies really could be more tactful in what you say. Someone asks a genuine question and you jump on them like they will go to hell for having a cash bar.
I think "sound advice" would be that etiqutte disapproves of a cash bar, but no one as ever died from having one.
My guy is Irish and it's the only point we've had to compromise on, as I'm American and used to open bars. Came to find out that we couldn't even get a quote for an open bar. We've agreed on a champagne toast, wine during dinner, and free beer/wine afterward. Even this arrangement is nearly 2x our food costs for 60 people!
This is just the way we talk about things here, and really this discussion about cash bars has been pretty tame compared to some of the throwdowns of yore.
It seems like you are mostly upset because people don't seem to share your opinion of how serious an etiquette breach a cash bar is. And if that's the case, who's the one being unreasonable?
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
I'm sure you'll all enjoy flaming me for pointing out the sheer hipocrisy of claiming to be etiquette queens and simultaneously being rude to people. I'll leave you to your cyberbullying. Enjoy!
Planning Bio ~ Updated 9/23/11
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The harassment begins on 10.15.11!
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
[QUOTE]I think I'd rather have bluntness here and then do the right thing out in the real world with my friends and family, than get softpedalled here and then go out and offend people that I love, or treat them badly. This is just the way we talk about things here, and really this discussion about cash bars has been pretty tame compared to some of the throwdowns of yore. It seems like you are mostly upset because people don't seem to share your opinion of how serious an etiquette breach a cash bar is. And if that's the case, who's the one being unreasonable?
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]
Ditto all of this.
I don't think posters should be forced to coddle other posters because they might be overly sensitive. Welcome to the real world. Suck it up.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : No, not the end of the world, but if I walked into a wedding wth a cash bar, I'd be leaving after dinner.
Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]
^That is rude. Staying just for dinner because they aren't paying for alcohol? WOW.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : The whole geographic thing is bullshiit. There are people from all over the US, canada and elsewhere that agree cash bars are not proper etiquette. Using that as excuse is ridiculous.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
^Saying what some else says in bullshit? Also rude. Even if it is true.
[QUOTE]This is the etiquette board, and you have asked an etiquette question. Cash bars are totally against etiquette. No excuse. <strong>Trying to throw a wedding in which you cannot afford to be a good hostess is tacky, tacky, tacky!</strong> I am sorry that you do not like the responses you are getting, but this will be the response you get from your "guests". It is like when I shop in Target, and they insist on referring to me as a "guest" instead of a "paying customer", which is what I am when I go shopping. I do not expect to go shopping (for drinks) at a wedding where I am supposed to be a guest. It is not necessary to serve alcohol at a wedding, but if you do, for heaven's sake serve what you can afford to offer your guests!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
^ Calling a hostess tacky because she isn't hosting alcohol.
C'mon now. Three posts in this thread alone that are very rude. I'm not saying to be all puppies and rainbows but cyber-bullying is defintely not proper etiquette.
Saying you'd leave after dinner kind of sounds like you're just in it for the free stuff (the food). That's not why I go to weddings - I go because I care about the people and want to celebrate their marriage.
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I also think people as a whole are too easily offended and far too sensitive. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and misery if you're actually THAT offended by what anyone has said here.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : ^That is rude. Staying just for dinner because they aren't paying for alcohol? WOW. ^Saying what some else says in bullshit? Also rude. Even if it is true. ^ Calling a hostess tacky because she isn't hosting alcohol. C'mon now. Three posts in this thread alone that are very rude. I'm not saying to be all puppies and rainbows but cyber-bullying is defintely not proper etiquette.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
Perhaps folks around here could be a bit more tactful, but lack of tact is no crime. None of this is cyberbullying. Please don't throw that word around lightly. Cyberbullying is a crime.
Miss Mrs.
Basically, I know how much money I have, and what I can afford. I figure out how to have a nice party with the money I have, without asking my guests to pay for anything. I figure out how much it costs per guest. Then I invite that number of guests. If instead, I invite way too many guests, and don't make sure they have enough to eat and drink, and spend a lot of money on my dress and other stupid things, then I am tacky.
Why is this hard to understand?
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is a cash bar really that bad? : ^That is rude. Staying just for dinner because they aren't paying for alcohol? WOW. ^Saying what some else says in bullshit? Also rude. Even if it is true. ^ Calling a hostess tacky because she isn't hosting alcohol. C'mon now. Three posts in this thread alone that are very rude. I'm not saying to be all puppies and rainbows but cyber-bullying is defintely not proper etiquette.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]
You go right ahead and think I'm rude. There is no wedding guest related rule that says I have to stay until you say I can go home. I would have no money with me to pay for a cash bar, and I would find it rude that you (you meaning the host) would ask me to open up my wallet. Am I required to drink? Or course not. But if I stayed, I would not be having fun. <div>And I fail to see how me saying I would leave after dinner in any way constitutes cyber-bullying. Come on now. OP asked a specific question - "Would people be offended?" I answered honestly and said I would be.</div>
[QUOTE]Am I required to drink? Or course not. But if I stayed, I would not be having fun.
Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]
Really? Do you only have fun when you drink? Granted, the only non-open bar I've been to was a dry wedding in the afternoon, but it was still perfectly pleasant to eat food and sit around chatting with friends.
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