Problem with dress and his family

Umrebelll · March 2010

My FI has a much younger half sister (he is 28) she is 16. They have never lived in the same house and never been close. I had every intention of including her in the wedding, just not as a bridesmaid. His family expressed to me that they were incredibly hurt that she wasn't a bridesmaid so I made her a Junior Bridesmaid, which they were also offended by, but I thought it was the best solution. May I also add that my brother is NOT a groomsman.

Here's the dilemma: I told her I would like for her to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids except in tea-length, but if she didn't like it she could pick another dress in the same fabric by the same designer and it would be great. I also said that if she found something else to call me and I would take a look. I received a message on Facebook this morning with a picture of the dress that she purchased with her Mom. The dress isn't the same fabric and I feel like it is completely inappropriate for her. All of the bridesmaids are wearing a long teal thick satin A-Line gown with a tie at waist. The dress she purchased is a skin tight silk dress that has a train. It has spaghetti straps and a design on the chest area. It looks like lingerie. I am really offended that my FI's mother let her 16 year old daughter purchase a dress with a train. I don't think it appropriate for someone her age especially when none of the bridesmaids have trains. I also don't think this dress is appropriate for a church.

I really wish they would've called me and asked me before they purchased the dress. Now I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to think I picked this dress. I don't know how to call his mother and tell her that I'm unhappy. It's not like she can return the dress. HELP!

jagore08 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_problem-dress-his-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9ae82806-c2b2-4d4a-8691-08f637db6510Post:b202202d-cd3d-4f41-87ac-d31fa27a346b">Problem with dress and his family</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI has a much younger half sister (he is 28) she is 16. They have never lived in the same house and never been close. I had every intention of including her in the wedding, just not as a bridesmaid. His family expressed to me that they were incredibly hurt that she wasn't a bridesmaid so I made her a Junior Bridesmaid, which they were also offended by, but I thought it was the best solution. May I also add that my brother is NOT a groomsman. Here's the dilemma: I told her I would like for her to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids except in tea-length, but if she didn't like it she could pick another dress in the same fabric by the same designer and it would be great. I also said that if she found something else to call me and I would take a look. I received a message on Facebook this morning with a picture of the dress that she purchased with her Mom. The dress isn't the same fabric and I feel like it is completely inappropriate for her. All of the bridesmaids are wearing a long teal thick satin A-Line gown with a tie at waist. The dress she purchased is a skin tight silk dress that has a train. It has spaghetti straps and a design on the chest area. It looks like lingerie. I am really offended that my FI's mother let her 16 year old daughter purchase a dress with a train. I don't think it appropriate for someone her age especially when none of the bridesmaids have trains. I also don't think this dress is appropriate for a church. I really wish they would've called me and asked me before they purchased the dress. Now I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to think I picked this dress. I don't know how to call his mother and tell her that I'm unhappy. It's not like she can return the dress. HELP!
Posted by Umrebelll[/QUOTE]<div>
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bablingbrooke · March 2010

Let it go.

Objectively, you will be starting lots of drama over a DRESS. This is a PARTY. Is that really worth it? It's a DRESS. As long as her mom thinks it's appropriate, you can't make any comments about it being inappropriate. Even though you're the bride. Appropriateness is her mom's prerogative, not yours. Let it go.

psichick · March 2010

she's 16, did you really think she wouldn't get something that was attention drawing? too late now, but you really should have just told her what to wear, especially if the other BM's are all wearing the same thing. now just deal with it, it's not the end of the world really.

stina93446 · March 2010

You should let it go! You're only making yourself look bad. Who cares if she has a train. How is having a train inappropriate for church?!

megk8oz · March 2010

As long as the dress itself falls within the actual chuch's dress code (And not what you think the chuch's dress code might be), I'd let this go. If you're really that concerned, is there somebody at the church you can bring the actual dress to and run it by? If so, get FMIL, FSIL and the dress, and all drive over there one day and just see what they say (That way, if it gets shot down-or you get told she at least needs to wear a bolero or something for the ceremony, it's said in front of them and they can't think you're making it up).

Anyway, if the dress can be worn as is in church, if anybody says anything to you (Which it would be incredibly rude for them to do so), it's perfectly fine to just say "Well, FMIL and FSIL picked that out together, ... and it's just a dress, do seriously think something so silly would bother me?".

trix1223 · March 2010

You made your mistake when you told her that she could purchase any dress. I realize that you said in the same fabric and from the designer, but she's 16. She heard "You can wear any dress you want, blah, blah, blah."

I usually agree with the posters here, but I have to say that if the other members of the WP are all wearing the same dress, and she's in the dress you've described, it will just look bizarre.

However, SHE'S the one who will look bizarre, not you. People WILL comment about her. No one's going to say, "Wow. umrebell is a crappy bride" because the teenager had on an inappropriate dress. They're going to comment on her.

What you've been given is payback. You're being punished for not including her in the first place. You didn't stand your ground then, and now only you can decide if you should stand your ground now over a party dress. Your call. Your consequences. Good luck.

Jessie888 · March 2010

I dont think I'd be happy either, but I have a feeling you should have just told her what to wear... alot of people are going to say let it go, but this girl is going to be in all your photos, right? And I understand what youre saying and I dont think youre making yourself look bad. If this turns into a huge issue, then I would say just drop it and move on cause it wont be worth it. But it doesnt hurt to just give it a shot! Maybe you can try telling her that you wanted her to find a dress that matched with what the other girls are wearing? Maybe you and her can go dress shopping and lunch as a way to get to know her more? Just be open and honest and if she gets upset or rude.. I would just say,I really wanted her to wear a dress that matched the colors and I even said she could pick out her own.. but if its going to be this big of an issue, lets just let it go.

psichick · March 2010

how about just writing her back and saying something like "wow that's a really pretty dress!!!! speaking of dresses, have you thought about what you might wear to the wedding yet?"

Umrebelll · March 2010

I really appreciate all of your suggestions. I think I am going to let my fiance' call his mother and talk to her about it. When he saw a picture of the dress on my computer he actually asked me if it was something special for the honeymoon and when I replied it was the dress his sister had chosen, he thought I was joking. I know this is my punishment for trying so hard not to be a bridezilla with his family. I should've just told her what to wear in the first place. I was trying to be easy going. If we can't get the dress changed, I think I am going to tell her to cut the dress off and make it short or wear a bolero. His family is very conservative so I never even imagined that this would happen. Especially after his mother told me that she wasn't comfortable with the sister wearing the bridesmaid dress because it had a V neckline. I just think it would sound better coming from a brother and son than me. I just need to get it resolved before Mom and sister come to visit in two weeks. Thanks again!

csartini · March 2010

Good Luck! I hope it all works itself out!

CynikettE · March 2010

She could always use it as a prom dress, so it wouldn't go to waste!

suz62984 · March 2010

Well your first mistake was letting her be a bridesmaid. If you didn't want her to be a bridesmaid you should have just said "I'm sorry. We would love for you to do a reading however, our WP is set" but whats done is done.

Your other mistake was to tell a 16 year old that she could pick a dress. It sounds like there was a miscommunication between "Call me when you find something you like and i'll ok it" and "Just buy whatever you want(16yr olds try to get away with a lot of crap. I'm not surprised she just got whatever)."

This is your FI's family. Is he uncomfortable with the dress? It does sound inappropriate and I have to disagree with the "Let it go thing." If your FI also thinks it is inappropriate then he should say something to his mom and sister. If it is coming from him it won't cause a big stink. PP is right-she can use it for a prom. Just have your FI tell her, and mommy, she can't wear that dress and that if she finds another dress she must run it by the both of you first.

suz62984 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_problem-dress-his-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9ae82806-c2b2-4d4a-8691-08f637db6510Post:01aa7a1e-9fdb-4e57-bee7-fe9ee06078ad">Re: Problem with dress and his family</a>:
[QUOTE]how about just writing her back and saying something like "wow that's a really pretty dress!!!! speaking of dresses, have you thought about what you might wear to the wedding yet?"
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

Also, HAHAHAHAHA too funny!

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