Bridesmaid gifts?

emilykathleen511 · May 2010

Haha, just kidding.

Thanks for all the advice!

pavingtheroad · May 2010

My suggestion to you is really get to the root of this problem. You and fi need to have a long talk and maybe even seek counselling as this issue wont go away once your married.

suz62984 · May 2010

I agree on counselling. It will make both of you sit down and look at the situation from the other's perspective, with a mediator. I think that I would have done a similar thing. Eash time FI's parents offer me help I politely decline in the first place and change the subject. I learned at the age of ten that if either of my parents offered me anything it was attached to strings. The text you sent him was, while completely understandable, probably a bad move. Now the manipulating mom can complain about "see...she is just being childish and making things harder than they need to be." I think being overly nice and polite while declining her offerings will be the way to go.

On the bank account thing: Does she ever take money out of the account or is it his entirely with her name also on it? My mom is on one of my accounts while my FI's mom is on one of his. This is purely for probate reasons in the case that one of us dies.

Airforce housing: As long as your FI is active you should get a monthly allowance; however, depending on his rank he may have to live on base, meaning as his FI you won't be able to live there. He just needs to talk with someone about this.

Good luck and try to stay calm. Sorry you have to go through all of this but keep your head up. Consider couples counselling and kill your FMIL with kindness.

Amaryllis619 · May 2010

I agree. You need to sit down with your FI, after you both have cooled off and really discuss this. (In person, NOT via text)

My FI is super close with his family too, and we had to just sit down and calmly discuss what I expected of him as his soon to be wife, and what he expected of me as my soon to be husband. Don't focus on his family, focus on the two of you, and why it matters to you to spend time alone to make these big decisions in your future. Don't make it an attack on his family, he will just shut down and withdraw- which won't help you get your point across.

Also, FMIL will soon be family. Pushing her away won't help you in the future.

GL!

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

I don't know what to tell you to do, but you are right. His mother should not be this involved in his finances, and she should not be involved in choosing furniture for your bedroom. That's something you and your FI should be choosing together.

Somehow, the cord needs to get cut.

KatyRoseM · May 2010

Premarital counseling is really important with things like this, it helps because you have to finish the talk and an impartial party is valuable. I would actually do this before moving in with him. This will only get worse and more annoying if you wait. I also don't think you should do things by text, its too easy to get worked up and say things you don't mean. I must say I would not move in with this guy if he keeps taking his mother's side, do you really want to be second place all the time? Its not about her being manipulative, its about him letting her control him.

Make sure he understands what exactly you are really upset about. It might help to write it out before hand, think about it and revise. Make sure you listen to what he says too, and think about if you can live with that for the rest of your life. If he doesn't change while in counseling, he won't change over time.

suz62984 · May 2010

My FI and I went through a hard time a few years back. It helped me to write him a letter stating everything I wanted to say. I could really spend time looking at it and revising it. He would let it absorb and we would then talk it out. I always get caught up in the moment and forget what i'm saying or say something stupid so this helped us.

On another note: My FI and I always complained about my mom while we were away at college but after growing up some and understanding her better we became closer. I finally had to have a conversation with him about "bashing" my mom. We used to do it together but our relationship changed and then the "bashing" bothered me.

I like the conversation jetski described. Just take some time today to think about what you would like to say. Good luck

jenn.daniel · May 2010

It can be hard, but it sounds like it would be best to break financial ties to his mom. When parents are paying for anything they expect to have a say in it. FI and I had a similar problem. He broke the financial ties, and things are absolutely fabulous with his parents now.

As far as the bank account, if her name is just on it but she never does anything with it, I'd say leave it be. Compared to everything else, it's not a big deal, and if she keeps that connection, maybe she won't feel like she's loosing total control.

megk8oz · May 2010

I am going to also strongly recommend counseling ... I'm not really sure what else to tell you here. You said it worked wonders when you first went ... maybe now that his mother is a more prevalent issue, it'll help in this area, too.

Basically, you should know by now that I am not going to say "Oh, honey, of course you're right and everybody else is wrong" to somebody just to make them feel better. But I truly feel that you are right in this situation. He's an adult, his mommy can't be pulling the strings anymore. Honestly, even if he wasn't getting married or in a relationship, he's just plain old enough to man up. But since he is getting married, you should be the #1 lady in his life.

xoxob · May 2010

I think you got some really good advice and I just want to say sorry.

xoxob · May 2010

Fanx. Goofy me.

Totally. I'm glad you feel better about it. I'm sure it will all work out.

lauralaur · May 2010

I agree with others. When you talk to him about this, you need to make it less about his mom. I wouldn't say to him that SHE needs to butt out, but that you are very excited to be moving in with him and you are looking forward to the two of you making your home YOURS. You want a say in the furniture and the place because you are the one who will be living there every day using the furniture with him, not his mom. You need to make it about the two of you and about your new life together. Just let him know that it's not that you don't love his mom (even though we know you don't

), it's that you were really excited for the two of you taking your relationship to the next level and doing things together as a couple. That when he does all of these things with his mom, you feel left out and maybe less valued in the relationship.

megandjay · May 2010

I complain about my crazy mom all the time, but when other people say things criticizing her, I get offended and defensive - she is my mother and I love her of course!

Families are a sensitive issue to deal with, I would tread lightly, and try to focus more on the idea of being independent- without emphasizing who you are trying to be more independent from! Make it about you and FI, instead of him and his Mom...

tidetravel · May 2010

Late to this - sorry.

I thritto(?) counseling. From what it sounds like, this issue is at a point where even if you did approach him without bashing his mom, all he would hear it as is an attack. Sometimes, people just need a third party to mediate the conversation, so that everyone can hear the real issue, and so it doesn't devolve into a fight.

You may not even need a therapist for this. If you're religious, maybe your priest/pastor can help.

jessann34 · May 2010

This is the man you love so I know this may be impossible, but what I did when I was in this situation was run. Now, my ex bf being obsessed with his dad was not the last straw for our relationship, but I knew in my heart that I could never be with a person who had a screwed up, weird relationship with one of their parents. And that definitely played a role in ending the relationship. Your fiance may have some underlying issues that you haven't seen. I think a therapist for you both is a good idea as well as a therapist for him to see alone.

ootmother2 · May 2010

There can only be two people in a marriage.

well, unless FI finds a girlfriend on the side

i joke but even that would be getter than his motherl

I agree that counseling is a good idea and I will lend you my sissors to cut the cord

emilyinchile · May 2010

Ok, clearly I missed the post, but I think I more or less pieced it together, and I just wanted to send you a hug! This sounds like one of those issues that's going to suck to resolve, but by really taking the time to do it right, you'll be setting yourselves up for a solid future.

Bridesmaid gifts?

Re: Bridesmaid gifts?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards