gifts, gift giving, and attire, oh my!

rhiannon3j · May 2012

Hi everyone. I live in Japan and have no experience with US weddings, and could use a little help and advice about a few etiquette things. Thank you in advance!

Question #1: Here in Japan, my relationship to the couple would probaly mean at least a 30000 yen cash gift to the couple, and maybe more (we don't give gifts or do registries here). I've read around these boards that close friends usually give a gift worth about $150. Is that right? It seems low to me, but I'm used to Japan so maybe not.

Question #2: Once I know how much to spend, I can get them something from Macy's where they're registered. They have a lot of lower-priced stuff up there (around $50). Does the gift need to be ONE item (or set of items in the case of dishes or silverware) worth $150, or is it weird to give SEVERAL items totaling $150? I have my eye on two items that together are around $100. What if they are in the same box?

Question #3: I'm from the South, and the wedding is in Houston. Is it acceptable to send the gift directly to the address the bride and groom have registered? I assume since they stuck an address up it is okay, but I've always heard that you are supposed to bring the gifts to the wedding yourself.

Question #4: Still about gifts, sorry. I was thinking of bringing them some special things from Japan in addition to their registry gifts. This relates to Question #2 and #3; should all gifts go together? Or could I send the registry gifts to their home, and bring the Japanese gifts to the wedding? Or is that too much junk altogether?

Question #5: And is it okay to wear an all black dress to the rehearsal dinner? My dress for the wedding is teal, but I don't think it is okay to wear the same dress twice, even if that means I have to lug more clothes onto the airplane!

Arg. This stuff is so difficult! Thanks to anyone who got through all that and can help, I appreciate it!

(The funny thing is, the bride and groom are SO laid back and easy going, they probably wont care whatever I do and are just happy that I can make it to the wedding. I'M the OCD one in the relationship who worries over silly little details!)

LeiselEB · May 2012

1. That sounds about right for me if it's someone I'm not terribly close to, but the amount of money can vary. Spend what you're comfortable with - there's no set amount that you must spend.

2. It is totally fine to get a few items grouped together. At my showers, I got many "combined" gifts - a dish towel, potholder, and spatulas all in one box, etc. You can do something like that or just buy one "big" item. Either way is completely fine.

3. It is perfectly fine to send a gift directly to them especially since you're traveling for the wedding, they probably expect that you won't lug a gift all that way with you. In my circle, gifts are mostly always sent before the wedding, and people show up with cards at the wedding itself. That can vary, but it would not be an issue at all if you sent a gift to their listed address.

4. Either of those options is fine. I think that's really cool to bring something from Japan.

5.Yes, a black dress is fine.

Don't stress out so much, you're fine

AmJam04 · May 2012

1) I believe people gift what they can reasonably afford. You should not put any financial strain on yourself when considering how much you would like to gift/spend. I'm not sure how much 30,000 yen is in USD, but if you feel comfortable with that amount - then I'm sure the couple will greatly appreciate it!

2) In terms of a registry, again, choose items which you personally would like to give to the couple. They have those items on their registry for a reason - they want them! If you're looking at sets of things which, if you buy the entire set would be out of your price range, then you can either buy a few of those items (either the couple will receive more of these pieces from others, or they won't, which they will then return to the store for a credit to buy whatever they want) or you can choose to purchase a few other items separately or one larger item individually. Don't worry about if there are a bunch of packages -- presents are fun to open anyway!

3) Since you are travelling, I would recommend that you have the gifts sent to their address so it is easier for you. They will not mind either way, especially if their address is posted for you to send gifts to.

4) I think that is a lovely idea! I'm sure they would really appreciate something that you thought of that came from your heart. In terms of sending/not sending, again I say it depends on how much you're willing to bring with you as you travel. Either way, they will receive the gifts and will likely love them regardless of if they came on a table or through the mail.

5) A black dress should be just fine.

danagail14 · May 2012

1st off.. you're over thinking the gift thing! Haha! You can spend or give whatever you want! If you want to spend $150 then spend it, if you want to spend more, give them more (or less). Also, you can always do a gift card to where they're registered. This way they can complete the china set they registered for if they don't get all the pieces or they can buy something they really wanted and didn't receive and it would save you on shipping or luggage charges! I think bringing something from Japan is a great idea, it makes your gift unique and personal, awesome idea!

Yes! It is acceptable to send the gift(s) to their address. This way they don't have to carry so many home from the wedding. You should make sure they know who sent it so they can send you a thank you card! Send or bring them all together or separate, it doesn't matter! They won't open gifts at the wedding anyway (at least I have never seen that) so do whatever you like. I think mailing the registered gift and bringing something special from Japan to them and asking them to open it at the wedding or at the rehearsal would be appropriate as well. It's a personal gift, very different from most gifts they'll receive (I'd imagine) and I'm sure they'd be more than happy to do this!

I'm sure they will be more than happy that you can make it to the wedding, gifts or not! Stop overthinking things and just do what you want to do for them, it's that easy!

As far as your dress choices, I'm not sure on the etiquette! I personally would not care what color your dress was as long as it's not white!

Hope this helped!

lkirby85 · May 2012

1. 30,000 yen is equivalent to about $400 and depending on your relationship with the couple, your own means, and the type of event, that seems perfectly acceptable (but so does the $100-150 that you mentioned). My parents are average middle class people and normally give about $100 to to friends and up to $500 for close family. The closer you are, the more I would give. The more formal the event, the more I would give and the more you have to give could also factor in.

2. If there is not single item on the registry you want to get them, it is totally acceptable to get multiple items. Personally, I would get items that are some related to each other and try to pack them in as few packages as possible. For example, a mixer, apron and mixing bowls, would make sense.

3. Completely fine to have it shipped to them! It's common to do and you have an extra reason to since you live abroad. It could be very difficult for you coming through customs, otherwise.

4. A gift from Japan sounds fun. You could add in to your package, bring it to the rehearsal, or give it separately at the wedding.

5. Black is usually fine. The more formal the event, the more appropriate it is.

Don't worry too much about it, just do what feels right! The fact that you are worried at all shows you really care.

rhiannon3j · May 2012

Thank you everyone for your comments! I know I tend to over think things a bit, but over here in Japan generally you really have to pay attention to the etiquette and all the little things, so I'm still sorta in that "mode" (have had two weddings already this year, sheesh!) I think I will take everyone's advice and relax about it and just do what I feel is the best.

Avion22 · May 2012

1. Spend what you can afford. The only people who gave us gifts or cash worth more than $100 were immediate family (siblings, grandparents).

2. You can get multiple gifts, and they don't have to "go" together. Usually people will do sheets OR towels OR kitchen ware, but depending on what they have left that needs to be purchased, mixing and matching is fine. If I buy a gift on the later side, I will try to complete a set that hasn't been completed yet (buy any towels that remain, or buy whatever place settings they still need, or whatever), so the couple isn't stuck having to complete the set on their own.

3. Ship the gift to the address listed on the registry. This way the B&G don't have to worry about transporting gifts home from the wedding, and don't have to worry about potential security issues at the wedding (sometimes gifts get stolen from gift tables -- sad but true). It's also easier for the B&G to keep track of who gave what -- sometimes cards and gifts get separated on gift tables, but if it's shipped then they'll know exactly who gave it!

4. A small gift from Japan would be nice, and it doesn't have to "go" with other things you give them. I would keep their decortive taste in mind (you should have an idea by other things they've registered for) and try to go for the same general colors/styles that they have registered for. If they have very obviously un-Asian decorative taste, then maybe get them an item that will be used instead of on display in their home (nice chopsticks for example, instead of a piece or art or decorative tea set).

5. Black dress for RD is perfectly fine.

bbakerrd · May 2012

I'm a newly wed and about 50% of the people we invited did not give us a gift....regardless of whether they attended the wedding or not. I was a little surprised but these days a lot of people seem to think that a gift is not necessary. I wouldn't worry so much about the gift.

Wear a black dress if you want. Just don't wear white,

Have fun!

Kristin789 · May 2012

>>Question #1: ...close friends usually give a gift worth about $150. Is that right?

Yes. See details here:
Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: $50-$75Relative or friend: $75-$100 Close relative or close friend: $100-$150+
Read more: Wedding Gifts: 5 Rules of Wedding Gift Giving - Going to a Wedding? - Wedding Planning http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/attending-wedding/articles/5-rules-of-wedding-gift-giving.aspx#ixzz1vrL4gfh8

Question #2: ...two items that together are around $100. What if they are in the same box?

Two items totalling $100 is fine. One box is fine.

Question #3: I'm from the South, and the wedding is in Houston. Is it acceptable to send the gift directly to the address the bride and groom have registered? I assume since they stuck an address up it is okay, but I've always heard that you are supposed to bring the gifts to the wedding yourself.

Where I live in the South, no one brings gifts to the wedding. Gifts are sent to the bride's parents' house - even if the bride hasn't lived there in 10 years or whatever. It's really rare for the gifts to be sent to the bride's apartment, or the apartment where the bride and groom live. But again, no one brings gifts to the wedding or to the reception. I know that's done in other parts of the country - I went to college in Ohio, and I've seen a big table set up for gifts at the reception and a card box on one end of the table for wedding cards with checks in them.
See details below:
The wedding gift should be sent to the address the couple has given their registry -- don't bring it with you to the reception

Read more: How to Be a Great Wedding Guest http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/attending-wedding/articles/how-to-be-a-great-wedding-guest.aspx#ixzz1vrNXvJUG

Question #4: ...could I send the registry gifts to their home, and bring the Japanese gifts to the wedding?

Again, do not bring gifts to the wedding. The registry gifts go to the address they gave the registry store, and you can send Japanese gifts there also.

Question #5: And is it okay to wear an all black dress to the rehearsal dinner?

Again, this may be a regional thing, but where I am in the South, no one wears black to any event that's wedding related. Not to the RD, not to the shower, not to the wedding, etc.

rhiannon3j · May 2012

Kristin789 thank you for your help, but I think the general consensus is black is okay, so since I already have a dress for it, I'm going to go with that. Plus, the wedding is in Houston, not Florida, so there must be different cultural ideas between the two; all the weddings I've been to as a kid and all the family weddings, the gifts are always brought to the wedding, which is why I was confused about the shipping!

Also, how the heck am I supposed to get the Japanese gifts to the address they have on the registery when they don't even SHOW the actual address there? So since I have no idea where she wants it sent, I will follow everyone else's advice and send the registery gifts to whatever address they have on the site, and bring the Japanese gifts with me. ;p

And like I said, the bride is super laid back, so I'm sure she's cool with either one!

Thanks to everyone who replied! I got this ;D

mica178 · May 2012

I think it's fine to send the registry gift to the couple's (hidden) address and the (hopefully small) Japanese gifts to the wedding. Someone always brings a gift to the wedding, and the couple will be expecting to bring a few boxes as well as the card box home that evening, so you'll be fine.

Oh, and black is fine, although you might feel like you are roasting if part of the wedding is outdoors while the sun is still up.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-gift-giving-and-attire-oh-my?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d5d691d-33ed-4727-9823-f2c17c967a1cPost:9d842920-d457-446d-b994-270bf3ab4e04">Re: gifts, gift giving, and attire, oh my!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your comments! I know I tend to over think things a bit, but over here in Japan generally you really have to pay attention to the etiquette and all the little things, so I'm still sorta in that "mode" (have had two weddings already this year, sheesh!) <strong>I think I will take everyone's advice and relax about it and just do what I feel is the best.
</strong>Posted by rhiannon3j[/QUOTE]

This. Any gift received is appreciated no matter how large or small. We tell brides on here that gifts are optional and should not be expected. I know that this is different in other cultures but here in the US gifts are completely optional and the amount spent on the gift is the sole discretion of the gift giver. There are no set rules as to how much to give a person depending upon your closeness to them. If you can only afford $50 then that is all you can afford. You should not over extend yourself just because you feel like since you are closer to them you should give more. Do what you can and what you think is best and the couple will appreciate whatever you give.

Meegles4 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-gift-giving-and-attire-oh-my?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d5d691d-33ed-4727-9823-f2c17c967a1cPost:d2ecddc1-8203-4c75-85c8-df543d01d436">Re: gifts, gift giving, and attire, oh my!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, @ Kristin789 thank you for your help, but I think the general consensus is black is okay, so since I already have a dress for it, I'm going to go with that. Plus, the wedding is in Houston, not Florida, so there must be different cultural ideas between the two; all the weddings I've been to as a kid and all the family weddings, the gifts are always brought to the wedding, which is why I was confused about the shipping! <strong>Also, how the heck am I supposed to get the Japanese gifts to the address they have on the registery when they don't even SHOW the actual address there?</strong> So since I have no idea where she wants it sent, I will follow everyone else's advice and send the registery gifts to whatever address they have on the site, and bring the Japanese gifts with me. ;p And like I said, the bride is super laid back, so I'm sure she's cool with either one! Thanks to everyone who replied! I got this ;D
Posted by rhiannon3j[/QUOTE]

As Mica alluded to, when a couple sets up a registry, they set up a ship-to address. This transfers to the online listing as well, but isn't shown for privacy purposes. So, when you ship the gift, just select the option to ship to the address that's on file for the couple. Could be their home, could be a family member's home. Just trust it'll get there. If you're really concerned, you could e-mail your friend with a quick "Hey, I just sent a gift your way, let me know if you don't get it", kind of a thing. I don't think that's necessary, though. Several people shipped gifts to our on-file address (my parents) and we received everything just fine.

And I agree with PPs on your other questions. Most people at my wedding gave gifts/cash around $100. My H and I typically give $100 to $150 depending on who is getting married.

I wear black to lots of weddings. And I'm never the only one :-)

bertke10 · May 2012

I agree with others to spend what you can afford and feel is appropriate. Since you are travelling, I would show up to the wedding with a few token gifts from Japan and a cash gift for the couple. Then you don't have to worry about picking items from the registry, paying shipping, and wondering where they were sent to. Keep it cut and dry - you have plane tickets and travel itineraries to worry about!

I think we got 2 actual gifts at our wedding. The rest were cards. I think it's becoming more and more the norm to just bring monetary gifts to the wedding - more convenient for everyone. But items from Japan will be unique and very thoughtful.

erollis · May 2012

#1. For lower class to middle class families the equivalent of 30000 yen is a lot to give for most in the US. The most I have heard of or seen given, from those I know, is around $200. No matter what amount you give would be good.

#2 Sending a couple of gifts from Macy's to their home is acceptable. They do not have to be a set or have any relation to each other. It is not uncommon to get multiple items from one person. They can be in one box or more.

#3 About half of the people I know bring physical gifts to the wedding. The rest bring a card with money in it.

#4 All the gifts do not need to be given together. Some things from Japan would be a lovely gift.

#5 A black dress is fine.

I understand it is natural to over think things to make sure no etiquette is breached. The differences between Japan and US is very different. We are much more laid back. Whatever you decide to bring will be appreciated by the bride and groom.

freebread03 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-gift-giving-and-attire-oh-my?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d5d691d-33ed-4727-9823-f2c17c967a1cPost:0fd79af0-3670-4875-b8ba-7e4f98c1c97e">Re: gifts, gift giving, and attire, oh my!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>#1. For lower class to middle class families the equivalent of 30000 yen is a lot to give for most in the US.</strong> The most I have heard of or seen given, from those I know, is around $200. No matter what amount you give would be good. #2 Sending a couple of gifts from Macy's to their home is acceptable. They do not have to be a set or have any relation to each other. It is not uncommon to get multiple items from one person. They can be in one box or more. #3 About half of the people I know bring physical gifts to the wedding. The rest bring a card with money in it. #4 All the gifts do not need to be given together. Some things from Japan would be a lovely gift. #5 A black dress is fine. I understand it is natural to over think things to make sure no etiquette is breached. The differences between Japan and US is very different. We are much more laid back. Whatever you decide to bring will be appreciated by the bride and groom.
Posted by erollis[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think the US equivalent (~$400) is a lot for ANY one person to give, not just "lower to middle class". I'd never spend $400 on a wedding gift. MAYBE if it was very close family, I'd spend $400 on a gift if it was from me and my FI, but never as single person.

</div>

Avion22 · May 2012

If you can't see the address on their online registry, then it's probably safe to ship the gift from Japan to the return address that was listed on their invitation. It's probably their address, or a parent's address, but at least they'll get it. If you're really worried about it then just ask the bride or groom where they would like to have things shipped to.

DramaGeek · May 2012

Give what you can afford, whether you do cash or an item. It's fine to send it ahead to the address on the registery, and it's fine to do one big item or several smaller items. I'm a bit OCD in that if I give multiple things they must go together in some sort of theme, but that's obviously not necessary.

And yes, I think a black dress for the rehearsal should be fine. You might want to check the formality though. I don't know about Houston, but many of the weddings I've been a part of, the rehearsal is much more casual and we often wear slacks or even jeans to the RD.

gifts, gift giving, and attire, oh my!

Re: gifts, gift giving, and attire, oh my!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards