Non enthusiastic Bride!

joanneP7 · July 2011

My daughter has not shown any enthusiasm through the whole engagement/wedding planning. The BIG wedding is something she says she is doing for her family. We gave her the chance to switch up the plans but she didn't. Now she is making me and everyone else crazy.

Any ideas as to how to get through this big day (2 months away) smoothly.

joanneP7 · July 2011

Well, after 40 great years of marriage your response surprises me.

To answer your question, a destination wedding was not something we were excited about, aso the planning continued for the big wedding. The planning was being done by the bride and mother. But everytime a new aspect of the wedding came up, panic and not wanted the whole deal came up again. That is why she had the opportunity to change the plans. We would have agreed to anything that would make her happy. She chose to keep things as they were and move forward.

So now in my mind, it is time to move forward . Not buying into "this is the most important day of your life" is one thing but passing on your misery to others is another.

zitiqueen · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_non-enthusiastic-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:42dcf182-6f1d-44e9-b491-aeb2a9b6da52Post:e0ccb70a-f31c-4e2d-8efc-f535b8dad045">Re: Non enthusiastic Bride!</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, after 40 great years of marriage your response surprises me.<strong> To answer your question, a destination wedding was not something we were excited about, aso the planning continued for the big wedding.</strong> The planning was being done by the bride and mother. But everytime a new aspect of the wedding came up, panic and not wanted the whole deal came up again. That is why she had the opportunity to change the plans. We would have agreed to anything that would make her happy. She chose to keep things as they were and move forward. So now in my mind, it is time to move forward . Not buying into "this is the most important day of your life" is one thing but passing on your misery to others is another.
Posted by joanneP7[/QUOTE]

Can you clarify this? Did the bride originally want a destination wedding but was talked out of it?

covejack · July 2011

I''m guessing bride wanted a DW and was talked out of it? If so, well, yeah, it's not what she wanted...

mrsjustinm2b · July 2011

mom?? is that you??

I am that bride. Who wanted a nice destination wedding but I have been so miserable since the day I got engaged that I've almost called it off several times. This is not my wedding. It is the wedding FMIL and my mom wanted me to have. It's 2 weeks away and I can't wait until its over. They don't listen to a thing I have to say about my own day and eventually I just told them to plan it and leave me the eff alone.

You said she had a chance to change the plan but she probably didnt feel that she would be supported in what she wanted and that she would be made even more miserable by not doing the big circus wedding.

Before judging her for "spreading misery" take an honest look at whats really going on, because chances are there are a few people making her miserable and it is possible you may be one of them. Forcing her to plan a wedding she doesnt want gives her a license to vent if anything does and if you were instrumental in getting her to agree to this thing she doesnt want then you just signed up to be her sounding board when she needs to vent.

Have you called her to talk about somthing NWR?? Cause what upset me most is the day I had a ring on my finger everyone in my family/friends decided that all I wanted to talk about was the wedding and that all I do is sit about thinking wedding thoughts and dreaming wedding dreams. HELLO I'M A PERSON NOT A FREAKING WEDDING PROP that the moms get to dress up and parade around to impress the Jones'.

alasen · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_non-enthusiastic-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42dcf182-6f1d-44e9-b491-aeb2a9b6da52Post:4c7ef4ed-0db1-45fa-8cf4-f41c623e9d3e">Re: Non enthusiastic Bride!</a>:
[QUOTE]mom?? is that you?? I am that bride. Who wanted a nice destination wedding but I have been so miserable since the day I got engaged that I've almost called it off several times. This is not my wedding. It is the wedding FMIL and my mom wanted me to have. It's 2 weeks away and I can't wait until its over. They don't listen to a thing I have to say about my own day and eventually I just told them to plan it and leave me the eff alone. You said she had a chance to change the plan but she probably didnt feel that she would be supported in what she wanted and that she would be made even more miserable by not doing the big circus wedding. Before judging her for "spreading misery" take an honest look at whats really going on, because chances are there are a few people making her miserable and it is possible you may be one of them. Forcing her to plan a wedding she doesnt want gives her a license to vent if anything does and if you were instrumental in getting her to agree to this thing she doesnt want then you just signed up to be her sounding board when she needs to vent. Have you called her to talk about somthing NWR?? Cause what upset me most is the day I had a ring on my finger everyone in my family/friends decided that all I wanted to talk about was the wedding and that all I do is sit about thinking wedding thoughts and dreaming wedding dreams. HELLO I'M A PERSON NOT A FREAKING WEDDING PROP that the moms get to dress up and parade around to impress the Jones'.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>^^^^^ THIS!</div><div>
</div><div>I have seen SO many people on these boards who are upset about their parents choosing their wedding for them. I can understand if the bride wanted something extravagant that isn't in the budget BUT 90% of the time, it's the <em>opposite</em> reason.</div><div>
</div><div>Has this wedding become a big party for all your friends and co-workers and so-and-so, cousin of so-and-so? Many people do not want guests at their wedding that they do not know or haven't seen in years....</div><div>
</div>

MairePoppy · July 2011

Well said, Mrs. Justin and alasen.

My own mother did the same thing to me over 30 years ago. I wanted a small, low keyed wedding. I ended up with 250 guests and since my parents were paying, my mom insisted on planning just about every detail. The wedding I ended up with was so different (and much, much more expensive) than the one I wanted. So I was an uninterested bride, too.

My daughter can plan whatever kind of wedding she and her fi want. We will contribute what we can and support them because it is not worth the discord it would cause to argue about a party.

zitiqueen · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_non-enthusiastic-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:42dcf182-6f1d-44e9-b491-aeb2a9b6da52Post:2157fdf9-2444-410f-909b-143f076defa8">Non enthusiastic Bride!</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughter has not shown any enthusiasm through the whole engagement/wedding planning. The BIG wedding is something she says she is doing for her family. We gave her the chance to switch up the plans but she didn't. Now she is making me and everyone else crazy. Any ideas as to how to get through this big day (2 months away) smoothly.
Posted by joanneP7[/QUOTE]

mrsjustinm2b · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_non-enthusiastic-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:42dcf182-6f1d-44e9-b491-aeb2a9b6da52Post:f8103c53-b474-46a1-81e4-f9bd8edfbde7">Re: Non enthusiastic Bride!</a>:
[QUOTE]We will contribute what we can and support them because it is not worth the discord it would cause to argue about a party.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

WHY DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND IT IS JUST A EFFING PARTY!
"sigh"

lkirby85 · July 2011

I can't imagine why your daughter would be so unhappy spending all this time with you while you plan her wedding for her! (rolls eyes) Sorry, I am usually not mean or rude but you seem like you need a reality check. You seem quite snappy and defensive.

Maybe it is just because you are fed up, but if this is your attitude all of the time, maybe your daughter's "misery" has to do with more than just the wedding.

It also sounds like she initially wanted a destination wedding and when you "gave her the chance to switch" she probably knew you would still be unhappy with that idea and decided to forgo the added drama. Mrsjustin said it all very well, so as opposed to continued speculation, a little advise.

I see two good options but they both begin with swallowing your pride and talking to your daughter about the situation. The key is to not be confrontational or defensive. Absolutely NO "I did not" or "You are so ___".

1) Cancel everything, lose your deposits, then, go tell your daughter you are sorry for trying to control things, and take the wedding to her original destination. No, it is not the financially best route but it is the one that will probably make your daughter happy.

2) Leave her alone, since that is obviously what she would prefer, and plan the wedding the way you want. Quit trying to force your desires on her and then get angry when she is not receptive. Its just a party and there is no reason to ruin your relationship with your daughter over it.

PGrant · July 2011

Why does everyone think that a Bride has to run around grinning from ear to ear about getting married. Right now I'm still working a full - time job, setting up a house, and trying to plan the wedding. Thank God for my Mom on points 2 & 3, because without her I would be insane. I have friends who think that I should spill every detail to them and who are peeved that I didn't ask them to be in the wedding. I'm a private person in general and don't want everyone knowing all my business.

To add insult to injury my FI keeps pushing his family's "help". Okay, the bad part about that is that I've seen how they "help" they take over and I can't deal with that one. There were two things I asked his mother for help on, the first she ignored and the second she told me how I could do it myself. That was while she was sitting watching me scrub a house.

Be enthusiastic, I am just hoping that the bags under my eyes are only to my chin in the wedding pictures.

Muffin'sMom · July 2011

Well...I've been married 31 years. Does that help? What you should have done is plan the wedding your DAUGHTER wanted, not the one YOU wanted...but that ship has sailed. At this point, you get through the planning to the day and hope that the joy she feels in the actual getting married part will make the day better.

baker2sn · August 2011

Oh wow, I'll agree with PP's and say it definitely sounds like you talked her out of the DW she originally wanted. I would be really un-enthusiastic if that were the case too, and if the PP above truly is your daughter, LISTEN to what she said to you.

I would advise cancelling everything if it's early enough and going with what the B&G want, and not what YOU want. You had your wedding 40 years ago and now it's time to let her have hers.

Non enthusiastic Bride!

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