I have had a hard week. It has been full of death and sadness. Death is so scary to me. Despite the assurance of my religion, I have never been quite sure how death goes. Well I suppose none of us are. That scares me.
This kid I went to high school committed suicide this week. He jumped off a damn. My mind keeps replaying images of him jumping and falling to his death in the waters below. I hate it but I can't get it to stop. Why would you do that? There is no way out if you decide you want to live after all. I guess this is why I never went through with any of my suicidal thoughts; I knew I wanted to live. And I am afraid of death.
I was told today that my grandfather died last night. I am so sad. I knew it was coming and I am so glad I got to go see him before he died but how hard the reality hits you when it happens. I was really hoping more then I realized that he would hold on for our wedding but he is in a better place now.
I want to sleep with FI right now, not in the sexy way but just lay next to him; have the warmth of someone there. I am feeling pretty lonely and upset. Oh and my cousin who is in my bridal party called me today and tried to withdraw from my bridal party. I had to tell my cousin that her brother abused me. That was no fun. I hope I did the right thing. This has really been a terrible day. I am so sorry this post is long and makes almost no sense. When I am upset sometimes I write poetry. Here is one I wrote about death.
Sands
As I lay dreaming
Something terrible occurred
I was trapped in sands and glass
Wrapped with wood and brass
Sand filled every orifice
Fear and dread filled my soul
I tried to break thin glass
But it was as if my arms were as weak as a bird’s
Looking down
I saw to my horror that my arms were nothing more than bones
I went to cry out
But my voice stuck in my throat
Down, underneath me, the sand had sifted away.
Gone, as swiftly as the passing of a wind
Or of Time.
Glancing at my feet, they dissipated before my eyes
In my ears, a roaring of a mighty wind.
Then nothing.
I floated, a being without being, among the stars and constellations
They smiled and nodded
Vain were my attempts to communicate
But they knew
“Ride on, soon you will see and understand”
I awoke lying in my bed
The steady beep of the heart machine rings in my ears
Yet I smiled.
I knew my time here was not long
And there was bliss waiting for me at the end.
How swiftly time passes
I am truly sorry this is so long. I think I just needed to get that all out.
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis
Married! May 27th, 2012