Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?

ExpatPumpkin · December 2009

At what point do you think it becomes distasteful for a couple to "do the whole big wedding thing" with showers and registries?

banana468 · December 2009

It totally depends.

If the first marriage ended with one of them totally broken (physically and emotionally) and then a new relationship blossomed into one that resulted in marriage, why not have a lovely big wedding?

However I think if my friend kept the guest house and S2000 in Florida and she also owned a house on the water in Connecticut with a 7 series and THEN she wanted the big to do with a registry and a shower, I'd snort.

qwerty777 · December 2009

For me, it completely depends on the couple, and the previous marriages. I'm not sure there is a definite "rule" but some people may set one for themselves. I can't see myself ever going to a shower or giving a gift for someone on their third or fourth wedding though.

september's bride · December 2009

See, this is a weird one. A friend of mine is getting married, but her fiance is divorced. It's a second marriage for him, but not for her, so she's still getting a shower and I'm fairly sure they have a small registry. I know for a fact he's still getting a bachelor party.

Nobody's batting an eye because it's HER first marriage. But, if the roles were reversed and she was getting remarried, people would likely give her the side-eye for having a shower or a registry.

mags0607 · December 2009

I think this question is very subjective, and depends on how many times either the bride or groom has been married.

For example, if its one person's first marriage and the second or third for the other person, I can see the want to have a big celebration for the person that is doing it for the first time. I would hold off on registries and showers for anything other than a first marriage though.

If both parties are on multiples marriages, I really don't see the need for a big celebration. I think its semi-okay for a second marriage, depending on how log ago the first one was, but when you get to third, fourth or beyond, I think it becomes tasteless.

tenofcups4me · December 2009

It definitely gets complicated when it's a first for one and the other has already been married. But in general, I find the idea of a large second wedding distasteful. I only know one person who has done it, a cousin, and yes, the family did give her the hairy eyeball for it. Even she, though, had the grace to not have a shower. (FWIW, my marriage to DH was my second and we only invited parents and siblings so at least I do walk the walk...)

psichick · December 2009

if you're going on your third or even fourth wedding then i think it's time to stop getting married. obviously you're doing something wrong.

there shoudn't be a massive party for anything other than the first marriage. if it's someone's second marriage and the other partner's first then go for it, it's still someone's first wedding. but once both people are on two or more, just do a small something.

kbmeow · December 2009

It realy depends. If someone is young say 18 and marry s and then is divorced by say 22ish . then remarrys 10 years later when they know better than it is like starting again.

SparrowSong · December 2009

If I attended someone's first wedding and gave a gift, they aren't getting a gift for the second wedding, or at least not a major one. A nice card and honest congrats and good wishes, but nobody needs a full registry of new stuff every. single. time. they get married.

Honestly, I think registries and excessive gift giving traditions are outdated in general. They made sense when young couples were going straight from their parents house to a house of their own. Few people these days don't already have a household of belongs before marriage. Just because the marry again they don't need all new stuff. It's ridiculous and wasteful. I would be embarrassed to accept lavish gifts at a second wedding.

It does get confusing when one person is entering their second marriage while it's the others first. In that case, if it was me, I'd have a limited registry, but would actively spread word-of-mouth to the family of the repeat person that gifts are definitely NOT expected again. I'd just want to invite them to attend a celebration and that's all. Showers ok if it's the bride's first wedding. No showers if it's her second.

sucrets4 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-third-forth-weddings-draw-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ce824f8-a89c-42be-b266-c19bb827dbcdPost:502d50c4-6ae8-44db-bc18-ef7b1997058d">Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?</a>:
[QUOTE]if you're going on your third or even fourth wedding then i think it's time to stop getting married. obviously you're doing something wrong. there shoudn't be a massive party for anything other than the first marriage. if it's someone's second marriage and the other partner's first then go for it, it's still someone's first wedding. but once both people are on two or more, just do a small something.
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

Yes, because she was CLEARLY writing this about herself.

At least you amuse me when you post.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-third-forth-weddings-draw-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ce824f8-a89c-42be-b266-c19bb827dbcdPost:7da7bab5-8452-43e2-a03f-1759243b635a">Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line? : Yes, because she was CLEARLY writing this about herself. At least you amuse me when you post.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Haha, expat is such a wedding hoar.

ExpatPumpkin · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-third-forth-weddings-draw-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ce824f8-a89c-42be-b266-c19bb827dbcdPost:dfaa9f25-24ac-49d2-97b0-1862d6ded9fe">Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line? : Haha, expat is such a wedding hoar.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, Elizabeth Taylor and I are going head to head ;)</div>

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-third-forth-weddings-draw-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ce824f8-a89c-42be-b266-c19bb827dbcdPost:5d5dbaf5-764f-4cad-9975-326c12e41305">Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line? : Yes, Elizabeth Taylor and I are going head to head ;)
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

You'll need a bigger poll then. And your current H could be your Richard Burton... that way you can catch up with him later since you seem to like him the mostest. :)

SarahPLiz · December 2009

My really good friend was widowed at age 27(married for 7 years I think, with a 5 year old at the time), and is now engaged again. However, it is her FI's first marriage. She doesn't want the big shendig she had the last time, but she thinks he deserves a party, so they are compromising and kind of splitting the difference. They are combining 2 households and moving into his newer house, but I am thinking they probably won't register anywhere... I didn't ask though.
I will probably buy them something for their home together, though, since her home was done with her and her late husbands taste in mind, and her FI has different taste.

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

I think the tacky part is the gift part, and I *think* you all think so too (and I'm sure you all will correct me if I'm wrong), but what if the couple truly just wants to have a big party and doesn't want gifts? Is there any way of doing this? Or are you just basically limited to not having any big parties to celebrate big life events? What if it was an anniversary party? People would probably bring gifts to that...is that tacky too?

ricksang · December 2009

PSI chick is a turd, no?

This was my second marriage and my H's first. My first marriage was a very small wedding. This wedding was big and expensive and we registered. If a good friend of mine is getting married for a third or fourth time (which has not happened) I would buy a gift if she/he registered and I would not judge them.

But if I have a line, I guess it would be the same as Banana's and I agree with Sept also.

ricksang · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-third-forth-weddings-draw-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ce824f8-a89c-42be-b266-c19bb827dbcdPost:6fb64775-5d4a-4a4a-9fa8-515e8b153e8e">Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the tacky part is the gift part, and I *think* you all think so too (and I'm sure you all will correct me if I'm wrong), but what if the couple truly just wants to have a big party and doesn't want gifts? Is there any way of doing this? Or are you just basically limited to not having any big parties to celebrate big life events? What if it was an anniversary party? People would probably bring gifts to that...is that tacky too?
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

I say a big party and gifts if that is what you want! And your sig is hilarious.

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

Haha, thanks...I think it's disturbing! Highly!

And I was only asking hypothetically. I have never been married before, and neither has my FI.

ricksang · December 2009

Yeah. I think this is one of those topics where everyone will feel differently

thesuninherhead · December 2009

As others have touched on, I think that in situations where both members of the couple have previously been married, a 'big' wedding probably isn't highly appropriate... but then, situations all vary and honestly if they were friends, it wouldn't worry me in the slightest- if they want to throw a big party and I get an invite, so be it.

That said, I find it so very bizarre that there's quite a few girls on here my age/not much older who have already been married and divorced once. I know the first marriage age is a bit younger in the US, but it seems completely bizarre to me. I know one couple who married at 22 for visa reasons, and another who married at 20 after having a baby. The rest of my friends (those who are married- many aren't) haven't married until around 28-30 or later. I was 'young' (at 26) in comparison to many of them.

aMrsin09 · December 2009

My 50 yr old SIL got married three days after us. White dress, full ceremony/reception, the whole shebang.

While technically it was only her 2nd marriage, she had a partner for 8 yrs, a marriage for a bunch more years, another partner for a bunch more years and now this marriage. Each of the marriage/parnetships produced children. In my eyes, it was essentially her 4th marriage. Yes, I judged.

lyndausvi · December 2009

I reserve the right to judge based on the couple.

But in general I think everyone desevers a second chance. So a big wedding/shower for wedding #2 I do not really blink an eye at. Unless it was the second wedding in say 3-4 years.

Over that I think a big wedding is a little gift grabby.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

If you want to have a big party for your 7th wedding, and you have the funds to pay for it, more power to you.

But I think the shower thing is a once in a lifetime sort of deal. If you got married and did all that before, it's inappropriate the second time around.

Personally, I'd never register again.

sarabellam · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-third-forth-weddings-draw-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ce824f8-a89c-42be-b266-c19bb827dbcdPost:7da7bab5-8452-43e2-a03f-1759243b635a">Re: Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?</a>:
[QUOTE]At least you amuse me when you post.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]
Really? Because with this post she just pissed me off, not amused me.

To me, the line is so variable. This was my second wedding, my husband's first. I skipped the whole shower/bachelorette/registry schtick, but that was my choice. Who am I to judge what someone else does? To me, it makes no sense to have a shower for a first-time bride in her 30's or 40's, since the reason behind them is to "shower" the new bride with all the items she will need for her life out from under her parent's roof. The whole concept is an outdated anachronism. But if that's what she (or more likely the older generation of family members) wants, whatever.

Second, Third, Forth Weddings: Where Do You Draw the Line?

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