Moms and Maids

Friend issue - super long - sorry

Okay, I should start off by saying that though there is someone wedding related stuff mentioned this is not a wedding issue.  I’m having an issue with my best friend/MOH and it’s killing me because I don’t know how to make it better.  I’ve been best friends with my MOH (I’ll call her that as opposed to using her name) since high school and we’ve always been incredibly close, like sisters.  The last few years however she has started to slack off in the friend department.  She lives in OK so it’s understandable that the friendship is a little harder to maintain but we have always managed before.  The last couple of years though she has gotten worse at returning phone calls or e-mails and she almost never iniates calls unless she’s upset about something.  To a certain extent I understand, she’s married now and has a daughter and a full-time career.  But I also think part of being a friend is being in each other lives and I don’t feel like she’s been there for me in a long time.  In the last couple of years I’ve brought this up a couple of times, just saying that I don’t know what’s going on but it hurts if she doesn’t ever return phone calls or anything and the only time she really seems to call is when she needs something or has an issue and when I bring it up she always apologetic and things get better for a while.  And, when I say return phone calls please understand I’m not calling her all the time and asking for her to constantly talk, I mean more like once a month.  I want to know what’s going on with her so I like to call, plus I’m her daughter’s godmother so I want to hear all about her as she’s growing up and hitting milestones.  Anyways, things have been getting worse for a while now and I’m not sure what to do, they seemed to go even further downhill once I got engaged.  She was one of the first people I called when I got engaged, despite my annoyance I still love her to death, and she was super excited immediately coming up with ideas for the bachelorette party.  And a few months later, when she was in town, I asked her to be my MOH and asked that she was okay with planning with bachelorette party and everything timewise.  (She had already volunteered to host the bachelorette party.)  She said it wasn’t a problem and she was incredibly excited.  I know many of you will say I picked my bridal party too soon, I’m getting married in Nov., but I love my wedding party and couldn’t imagine not having them up there with me.  I didn’t talk to her about any wedding stuff for a few months after that cause it was still super far away and there was no point but as she is leaving for a few months and being deployed over seas (she won’t be near fighting, yay!) at the beginning of the year to possibly June I thought we might need to talk about a couple things.  A lot of the people closest to me are out-of-town so I talked to her about just picking a date so people could make travel arrangements.  It was always planned to have the bridal shower and bachelorette party some weekend in July or August so people traveling wouldn’t have to take too many trip so close together if they wanted to come to both.  She thought that was a great idea and promised to talk to everyone to set a date.  Over a month went by and I didn’t hear from her.  I wrote e-mails and texts that went unreturned.  I asked around and she never talked to anyone about the bachelorette party.  She totally ignored me for two months.  I tried calling and e-mailing just to make sure she was okay and that nothing was wrong.  I talked to her mom to check on her but there didn’t appear to be any big issue for her to ignore me.  I sent her daughter presents for her birthday and never heard anything.  I just asked that she let me know everything got there okay.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I tried telling her how I feel but she just ignores it.  She admitted not being a good friend lately but she doesn’t seem to change her behavior.  I’m getting really angry and hurt and don’t want to feel that way with one of my closest friends.  I basically just need new ways to try and talk to her.  I’m going to wait until she gets back because I don’t think she needs any added stress right now but I need some ideas.  I’m tired of being angry and feeling like the only time she has time for me is if she has an issue.  There’s more I want to say, I’m pretty upset about the whole thing, but this is already crazy long, sorry.  Please help with ideas on how to resolve our friendship.  The wedding stuff doesn’t matter, just want to be able to be friends.

Re: Friend issue - super long - sorry

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Will you please re-type this with paragraphs.  That's really hard to wade through.  If you will re-format it, you're much more likely to have people take the time to read it and respond.  Thanks.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like she's just not that into you.  You have reached out plenty of times, and she has not reciprocated.  She seems really busy (especially since she's being deployed) and unfortunately she doesn't have time to chit chat on the phone.

    Lay off of the wedding talk with her, you really shouldn't have anything do to with the pre-wedding parties except for the guestlist.  If nobody gets around to planning the parties, then they don't happen.  You aren't entitled to them.

    I don't have any further suggestions about how to mend your friendship, because you have tried lots of things and your friend just doesn't seem interested.  You can't make someone be friends with you.
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto trix. I am not even attempting to read that. It hurts my eyes just looking at it.
  • edited December 2011
    Holy Wall o'text Batman!  Kudos to Vicki to getting through that, but OP, please re-post with paragraphs!
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_friend-issue-super-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a5d88c21-a3b6-4445-9b8d-71ca9512703dPost:9d3dbc4c-258f-4cdd-a31c-ed646d4b2b93">Friend issue - super long - sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, I should start off by saying that though there is someone wedding related stuff mentioned this is not a wedding issue.   I’m having an issue with my best friend/MOH and it’s killing me because I don’t know how to make it better.   I’ve been best friends with my MOH (I’ll call her that as opposed to using her name) since high school and we’ve always been incredibly close, like sisters.   The last few years however she has started to slack off in the friend department.   She lives in OK so it’s understandable that the friendship is a little harder to maintain but we have always managed before.   The last couple of years though she has gotten worse at returning phone calls or e-mails and she almost never iniates calls unless she’s upset about something.   To a certain extent I understand, she’s married now and has a daughter and a full-time career.   But I also think part of being a friend is being in each other lives and I don’t feel like she’s been there for me in a long time.   In the last couple of years I’ve brought this up a couple of times, just saying that I don’t know what’s going on but it hurts if she doesn’t ever return phone calls or anything and the only time she really seems to call is when she needs something or has an issue and when I bring it up she always apologetic and things get better for a while.   And, when I say return phone calls please understand I’m not calling her all the time and asking for her to constantly talk, I mean more like once a month.   I want to know what’s going on with her so I like to call, plus I’m her daughter’s godmother so I want to hear all about her as she’s growing up and hitting milestones.   Anyways, things have been getting worse for a while now and I’m not sure what to do, they seemed to go even further downhill once I got engaged.   She was one of the first people I called when I got engaged, despite my annoyance I still love her to death, and she was super excited immediately coming up with ideas for the bachelorette party.   And a few months later, when she was in town, I asked her to be my MOH and asked that she was okay with planning with bachelorette party and everything timewise.   (She had already volunteered to host the bachelorette party.)   She said it wasn’t a problem and she was incredibly excited.   I know many of you will say I picked my bridal party too soon, I’m getting married in Nov., but I love my wedding party and couldn’t imagine not having them up there with me.   I didn’t talk to her about any wedding stuff for a few months after that cause it was still super far away and there was no point but as she is leaving for a few months and being deployed over seas (she won’t be near fighting, yay!) at the beginning of the year to possibly June I thought we might need to talk about a couple things.   A lot of the people closest to me are out-of-town so I talked to her about just picking a date so people could make travel arrangements.   It was always planned to have the bridal shower and bachelorette party some weekend in July or August so people traveling wouldn’t have to take too many trip so close together if they wanted to come to both.   She thought that was a great idea and promised to talk to everyone to set a date.   Over a month went by and I didn’t hear from her.   I wrote e-mails and texts that went unreturned.   I asked around and she never talked to anyone about the bachelorette party.   She totally ignored me for two months.   I tried calling and e-mailing just to make sure she was okay and that nothing was wrong.   I talked to her mom to check on her but there didn’t appear to be any big issue for her to ignore me.   I sent her daughter presents for her birthday and never heard anything.   I just asked that she let me know everything got there okay.   I don’t know what to do anymore.   I tried telling her how I feel but she just ignores it.   She admitted not being a good friend lately but she doesn’t seem to change her behavior.   I’m getting really angry and hurt and don’t want to feel that way with one of my closest friends.   I basically just need new ways to try and talk to her.   I’m going to wait until she gets back because I don’t think she needs any added stress right now but I need some ideas.   I’m tired of being angry and feeling like the only time she has time for me is if she has an issue.   There’s more I want to say, I’m pretty upset about the whole thing, but this is already crazy long, sorry.   Please help with ideas on how to resolve our friendship.   The wedding stuff doesn’t matter, just want to be able to be friends.
    Posted by andekitten[/QUOTE]

    I got through it but it wasn't easy, please use paragraphs.

    I agree with vicki, lay off the wedding talk all together and stop bugging her about the Bachelorette party. Your getting WAY too involve trying to make sure it gets done, this is NOT your responsibility. If your friend says she'll do it, she will, if she doesn't then sadly you might not get a Bachelorette party. If there is another BM or person who is asking about it, you direct them to your friend and let THEM handle it.

    Yep, it sounds like she might not be that into that much or maybe since she is getting deployed soon she wants to spend all the free time she has (which probably isnt much) with her daughter and family. I have had friends I haven't seen or talk to in months because they were busy, I would try to chat or message once in a month but if they forgot to message me back or call I really am not hurt because I know that sometimes we all forget when we are too busy with stuff. 
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I got through it, but yeah, paragraphs would help.

    I really hate to say this, but I think you've been dumped. She admits to not having been a good friend, but the she doesn't do anything to change... no matter how you feel about her, she's making her feelings about your friendship pretty clear, which is that while she might still care about you, she just doesn't have time for you anymore.

    I'm assuming that all the texting/calling was NOT about wedding stuff, since you don't seem to be concerned with that, and that a lot of it was just trying to get in touch with her. If she's not returning those texts/calls... there is NO "new" way to talk to her if she just won't talk to you at all.

    Think about it this way... if she was a guy you were interested in, what would her behavior be saying to you?
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  • andekittenandekitten member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
      Okay, I'm probably not going to repost with parapgraphs since the post was super long but I will apologize.  I don't post on here often and didn't think about how difficult it might be to read.  So, for those of you who got through it and gave advise thanks!  And for those of you who thought "hell no, I'm not reading that", I totally uunderstand.
      I'm getting the same basic advise so I'm definitely going to give it some serious thought.  Part of me doesn't agree because she always so excited about stuff when we do talk and also because when she got engaged she called me within 15 minutes ti be MOH and when she found out she was pregnant I was the first, non-family, person she told.
      But maybe I just don't want to see it because we've been friends so long it would suck to think she just wasn't interested anymore.  So, thanks for giving me something to think about!
  • andekittenandekitten member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
      Umm, I never asked her to throw me a party.  Like I said as soon as I told her I was engaged she started talking/planning it, before I even asked her to be in the WP.  She wanted to throw it and was excited.  I did suggest picking a date because she would be gone for several months before hand and I think it's polite to be able to give that info to people who are traveling.  I also never once talked to her about my shower.  My SIL offered to throw that for me and I accepted.  My MOH was never involved with that at all.  I never asked anyone to throw me a party or told them to host anything or gave them a date. 
      
      The date frames were given to me by my wedding party and family.  I did ask if we could pick a specific date as my SIL wanted to know when the best time was for the shower and my other friends who had to travel also wanted to know.  I don't believe that it is rude to try to arrange things early since so many people have to travel.  I did ask her if she thought it was a good idea to pick a date early since she would be leaving and she agreed and volunteered to call people.  No one ever heard from her and no one could get a hold of her. 

       I tried to get a hold of her to make sure everything was okay and see if she wanted help or was too busy.  I did eventually talk to her after about a month and a half or so and she said she was too busy to plan it and I said okay.  I don't think I put extra pressure on her, she volunteered to do this stuff and seemed excited about it.  When she said she couldn't handle it I said okay and let her know it was fine. 

      Again, I don't care about the party.  I care more about her ignore me and others.  Perhaps the issue is just being busy but it seems to be more than that.  That's what I'm trying to find out.  And I don't think it's ever too much to expect that someone you love treats you with respect. 
  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry your going through this, I have had a similiar situation with a BFF, someone whom I never thought we would lose our friendship. But it  happens... I understand that your hurt but you do just gotta let it go for awhile. It sounds like you've let her know that your worried/concerned about her and my advice would be just to wait for her to contact you and reach out to you.
  • andekittenandekitten member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone for the advice!  I got home the day I posted this and there was a letter from her in the mail.  She said that she knows this year had been really rough ofr us and apologized and thanked me for always being there for her.  It made me feel a lot better to know that our friendship is still important to her even if she doesn't have the time right now. 
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Good to hear OP. Sometimes people just get too busy or stressed and forget to just appreciate the little things in life like friends. I hope your friendship with her stays for a long time.
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