Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....

ETA I posted this under another thread but figured I'd start a new one to get some more feedback - I'm really quite at a loss.

I'm having four bridesmaids for my wedding next September - they're scattered across the country (seriously - Seattle, Chicago, Boston and Texas) and none of them know each other at all (my sister, F's sister, two of my good friends from college but they weren't friends with each other).

I recently hung out with my Boston bridesmaid and she was asking me what we were going to do for the bachelorette. I told her that it was bad etiquette for a bride to plan her own bachelorette, but her response was along the lines of, "well, none of us know each other, so you'll probably the one to organize something right?" She said she definitely wanted to do something but that she figured I would plan it. My Texas bridesmaid also told me she wanted to do something but also seemed to think I would take the lead.

What do I do in this situation? I don't care that much about having a bachelorette (and definitely don't want to have a shower - have made that clear) but at least a few bridesmaids seem enthusiastic about it. I know I could give them each other's contact info but I understand that having never met each other they may feel pretty awkward discussing planning, finances, etc. My MOH is my sister who is getting married three months before me in June, and she is pretty busy planning her own wedding and possibly her own Vegas bachelorette. She and I have dicussed possibly doing a joint Vegas weekend since our weddings are so close and we're in each other's wedding parties, but I don't know her bridesmaids, she doesn't know mine, and none of them would know each other

I dunno.....any thoughts?

Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....

  • see my answer in the previous post.
  • If you truly don't care that much don't have one. Your BMs will get their own bachelorette parties some day no need to have one just for them.

    If you want one and your bridesmaids are asking for your help then help them. Start by getting them in contact with each other.
  • Give them each others' contact information. If they badly want something to happen, they'll plan it. If not, it's their own fault.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:99ef5da2-9b8f-499b-9da0-7b72a2addf68">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Give them each others' contact information. If they badly want something to happen, they'll plan it. If not, it's their own fault.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    This. However, if you don't want one you should say so. Maybe like "Well, I was planning on skipping the B-party, we can all just hang out after the RD."
    image
  • I mean I'm not opposed to a bachelorette (I am to a shower....for some reason I just really don't want one of those), but I don't have my heart completely set on one.  The impression that I get from at least a few of my bridesmaids is that they're looking forward to participating in one but that they expect me to take the lead in putting it together.  I dunno...the girls are all fantastic and I'm sure it would be a fun time.  I'm just not sure how to work out the logistics and I don't want to be tacky or commit any etiquette faux-paus.
  • If you are in your sister's bridal party and she is in yours you could plan eachothers bachelor parties. I think a joint party would be acceptable if you planned the part for her and she planned the part for you. But that's up to you. It sounds like you're not too jazzed with the whole idea anyway and if that's the case it might not be worth the bother.
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  • I was in the same situation with 4 bridesmaids scattered throughout the country and none knowing each other.  Over the course of the year in planning, I sent out several group emails to them about dress ordering deadlines and logistical details about the wedding (when the rehearsal was, etc.), so they all had each other's email addresses and they often replied to each other about which style dress each was choosing. 

    However, I kept getting the same impression from them that they sort of expected me to take the lead on planning something.  I never did because it is tacky IMO, and none of them ever took the lead either, and the idea of a traditional bach party eventually evolved into more of a low key girls' night/weekend, but still no one took the lead to actually plan something or even ask me about specific dates.  I think at the last minute they all realized they had done nothing and felt very bad about it (one even asked if I was mad at her for not doing anything...I said of course not ! which is true), but from my perspective my hands were tied, they weren't obligated to do it, and I'm still married.  It kind of stinks, but there wasn't much I could do about it and I know I would have ultimately wondered/worried if I had gone too far in pushing it on them if I had taken the lead.  FWIW, my MOH sort of forced a lingerie shower/brunch into the wedding weekend (DW), but that actually made it more stressful to take time away during that weekend when I could have been doing other things to prepare.  Moral of the story:  you will have to continue to defer to them to do the planning and at the most maybe send them a group email to introduce everyone and leave it at that. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:07245795-bf67-4456-9d39-3ca1ce3a95c8">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I mean I'm not opposed to a bachelorette (I am to a shower....for some reason I just really don't want one of those), but I don't have my heart completely set on one.  The impression that I get from at least a few of my bridesmaids is that they're looking forward to participating in one but that they expect me to take the lead in putting it together.  I dunno...the girls are all fantastic and I'm sure it would be a fun time.  I'm just not sure how to work out the logistics and I don't want to be tacky or commit any etiquette faux-paus.
    Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]
    The next time one of the BMs bring up not having contact info, I would just say "Well, I can give you all their numbers or emails if you like?"
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  • I think in this case your Maid of Honour should take the lead on this one. Give her your other girls contact info and let then hash it out.
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  • edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:8d49c397-0fdb-48b7-88f0-3b404240d501">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think in this case your Maid of Honour should take the lead on this one. Give her your other girls contact info and let then hash it out.
    Posted by ftrmrsweatherdon[/QUOTE]

    Usually I'd agree but in this case my MOH is my sister who is getting married three months before me and is working on planning her bachelorette and wedding.  I'm just not comfortable handing her the info and telling her to plan it - I think it's putting too much on her shoulders.  In most circumstances this would make a lot of sense though.  
  • I had a large bridal party and a lot of the girls didn't know each other at all. Before dress shopping, I made a closed facebook group and invited my bridesmaids to it for ease of communicating with all of them at once. They planned my bachelorette via facebook messages they sent to each other a couple months later, which was easier because of the facebook group. If all of your girls have facebook, maybe making a group could help make the whole planning amongst themselves a little less awkward.
    image
  • I would just have a casual girls' night out a couple days before the wedding, depending on when everyone gets into town. No lingerie, strippers, sashes or tiaras.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:56bdabde-bd87-4d4b-bdd6-459fe9c27493">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky.... : I agree with this. I think I answered you in your other post - it seems like just too much to try and plan out many B parties. Maybe talk with your sister if you'd like to do this - after a few drinks the girls will all be friends for the night at least so I wouldn't worry too much about that! Edited: my bad - I did not answer you in your other post. It was another B party question. But if your friends are all spread out, I'd just get together with MOH if she wants to plan a joint B party and just have the 1 party. Whoever can come will come :)
    Posted by laurelrenee1[/QUOTE]

    I'm kind of liking the joint-bachelorette idea.....My sister has five bridesmaids, including myself, and three of them are very good friends.  I think they're taking the lead on planning my sisters bachelorette in Vegas and I think I may just end up participating and inviting my girls to join (not sure all of them will and I've discussed this with my sister and she's fine with it). Thanks for the advice ladies.
  • The next time one of them mentions, just reitterate that you aren't comfortable planning a party in honor of yourself, but tell them that you'll send them the info for the other BMs and that if they want to take on the task of planning it, that'd be swell.
  • I had 5 BMs, 3 local and 2 out of state (including my MOH) - 3 friends that had never met and my 2 SILs. My MOH got married 3 weeks before I did, and being out of state, I knew she wouldn't plan anything for me (which was fine - I was her MOH and didn't do any planning for her, either).

    What ultimately happened was another friend of mine (who was not a BM, though her BF was a GM) took it upon herself to plan a "girls' night" and cleared it with me for the Wednesday before our Friday wedding. My two out of state BMs who were staying with me said they were game to go, as did one of my local BMs and two other local friends not in the bridal party, plus my mom and aunt. My 2 SILs didn't attend. I paid for myself (cover charge, drinks, food) and, other than my friends getting some balloons, a sash, and a veil, it was a normal girls' night out for us.

    If you have a local friend that is interested in planning something, perhaps that is the way to go - just before the wedding when everyone is in town. But I echo PPs: don't plan it yourself, and if your BMs continue to ask about it, put them in contact with one another.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:de1af661-8f9f-4b7f-820e-594f34c13485">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just have a casual girls' night out a couple days before the wedding, depending on when everyone gets into town. No lingerie, strippers, sashes or tiaras.
    Posted by kipnus[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Maybe I'm just dense, but I don't understand how planning a girls night isn't considered bad ettiquette, but adding strippers and a sash and calling it a bachelorette party is. A lot of bach parties are just a "girls night" because some (like myself) don't really want to include a sash and things like that.</div><div>
    </div><div>My MOH is planning mine, but I guess I just don't understand why planning your own bach is that bad, as long as you don't plan one and assume you'll have everything paid for. Please feel free to correct me where I'm wrong =)</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:07d7da01-041c-4a37-bcbd-cf7479fa4517">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky.... : Maybe I'm just dense, but I don't understand how planning a girls night isn't considered bad ettiquette, but adding strippers and a sash and calling it a bachelorette party is. A lot of bach parties are just a "girls night" because some (like myself) don't really want to include a sash and things like that. My MOH is planning mine, but I guess I just don't understand why planning your own bach is that bad, as long as you don't plan one and assume you'll have everything paid for. Please feel free to correct me where I'm wrong =)
    Posted by arco13[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think that once you put a "b party" label on it, it conjures up expectations for guests - meaning, what is expected of them.  I've never gone to a b-party without the assumption that I would be helping pay for the bride's evening, but I'd be pretty put off if I were invited to that event by the bride.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-in-a-spot-but-dont-want-to-be-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c175f3e-f319-4c1b-90ae-a2ee264e7dadPost:7634b992-fc4e-4d45-97a0-5fef8796a39e">Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party? In a spot but don't want to be tacky.... : I think that once you put a "b party" label on it, it conjures up expectations for guests - meaning, what is expected of them.  I've never gone to a b-party without the assumption that I would be helping pay for the bride's evening, but I'd be pretty put off if I were invited to that event by the bride.
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>That does make some sense. I guess even though I was thinking a bride would be ok planning her own, as long as she went into it assuming financial responsibility, the label of bach party would still make the bridesmaids feel obligated to pay. Makes sense =)</div><div>
    </div><div>That being cleared up, then to OP I say, a casual girls night sounds like your best option here. I would feel awkward with a combined party where no one knew each other, but then, I'm just highly awkward with people I don't know.</div>

  • If I were in the situation, I would send them all an email saying that there was talk about having a party, the bad etiquette piece and sharing all of their contact info in the email and letting them have at it, if they so choose. If not, no biggie.


    I also like the closed FB group idea that ThankfulSnail suggested.
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  • My BMs (and I) were all across the country, and I really didn't want to make anyone travel more than once for my wedding. My sister wanted to do something, so I suggested we go out briefly after the rehearsal dinner since we'd all be in town. I told her my only request was that we're not out too late and not hungover for the wedding day (we had hair appts at 9 am).

    Apparently my sister created a Facebook book for the BMs to make plans, but we ended up just going to a pub for a few drinks and then to see a movie of my favorite book (Perks of Being a Wallflower), which was absolutely perfect. I was back in my hotel room by 1 am, and felt great the next morning. I wasn't too keen on having a wild night out, and most of my girls wouldn't have been into that anyway.
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