post 123

Narwhal · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:5acf7bd5-4a10-4bed-be49-f48d9dc78fd1">Re: Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah are you serious. If you're nagging him thatmuch that you two are getting into fights he will probably NEVER ask you. He's probably changed his mind & I honestly can't blame him. You can't be like that. And so what about other couples it's not you? <strong>My FI & I even ebfore we got enagged already called each toher & introduced each other as husband & wife because we are that close.</strong> Marriage is just a piece of paper. If you two live together & have been together for 3 years then you pretty much are married just without the signing of the paper. Oh & my Sister has been with her boyfriend for 6 years it doesn't bother her any becaue she knows they love each other
Posted by Midgetth[/QUOTE]

...to strangers? did you clarify? that's so weird.

frenchy730 · May 2010

3 months is nothin. Have you thought about the possibility that he wanted to ask your father's permission before he purchased your engagement ring? Maybe he is now saving up for your ring.

Don't rush him and pester him about it. It'll ruin the experience for both of you.

Lenore2010 · May 2010

Okay allow me to weigh in with an old-though recently married woman's opinion and story.

My now husband started seriously talking marriage-to the point of a semi- proposal on New Year's Eve of 2009. We were happy and having a great time talking about all of it, then suddenly got into an argument about something else and tanked the evening.

Over the next few months, he was very cagey on the topic and, talking all about a wedding one minute, upset because I was talking about it the next. The last straw came for me when I felt he was looking for things wrong in the relationship because of it. At that point (about 2 months into things since the proposal) I told him that I was great with us living together and no longer wanted to get married-ever because I could be with him without marriage and had never planned on marriage anyway.

I was being sincere, it was not some sort of hard-to-get-time bidding manipulation. I was genuinely surprised when his reaction was that he did want to marry me, he just was not sure of the timing. I told him I was afraid he was too apprehensive about marriage and it would screw up are great relationship and talking about it already had.

Lo and behold, he spent the next two months talking to me and trying to convince me that marriage was what we should do. Finally, I felt I was ready and he was ready and on April 28th 2009 we announced our engagement. I don't think either of us ever looked back or seriously doubted our decision.

From my own experience, here is what I would do:

1. Ask yourself just why you SO need to get married now? Is it your little sister? Is it just "time"? These are crappy reasons. You marry because you love someone intensely enough to make a lifetime commitment, not because it is "time".

2. Tell your boyfriend YOU would like to take marriage off the table for the time being. Give yourselves time to rediscover the relationship you had before the M word entered the picture. Find the answers, for sure, to the first question here during that time.

3. If in one year, you are really, really wanting to marry him and he has made no moves in that direction, it is probably time to move on. IF you decide it really is marriage you want, do not sit around and wait three years for a proposal. Men who want to marry you do not need three years to figure that out. There are exceptions to everything, of course but in general it is a waste of your life and time to sit and pine for a man to be "ready".

Lenore2010 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:5acf7bd5-4a10-4bed-be49-f48d9dc78fd1">Re: Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah are you serious. If you're nagging him thatmuch that you two are getting into fights he will probably NEVER ask you. He's probably changed his mind & I honestly can't blame him. You can't be like that. And so what about other couples it's not you? My FI & I even ebfore we got enagged already called each toher & introduced each other as husband & wife because we are that close. <strong>Marriage is just a piece of paper. If you two live together & have been together for 3 years then you pretty much are married just without the signing of the paper.</strong> Oh & my Sister has been with her boyfriend for 6 years it doesn't bother her any becaue she knows they love each other
Posted by Midgetth[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I use to think that, too. I can tell you that was not the case for us. Living together has a much more "i can move out anytime" feel. Marriage is something else entirely, at least for us.</div><div>
</div><div>However, it needs to be happening for the right reasons and when both people are ready, so I am with you there.

</div>

wheatney22 · May 2010

OP, I can understand where you are coming from. My brother has been dating his girlfriend for 9 years. They're both 27 and she is very much ready to be engaged/married.
It doesn't help that both her family and MY family kept asking her when they'd be getting married.
The best advise I can give you is to really take time off for yourself and determine what this relationship has to offer to you. My brother and his GF broke up for 3-months because they each needed to know if the relationship was indeed what they both still want. After they got back together, they both had a frank discussion about marriage and set a timeline. Yes some people will consider it an ultimatum but I don't see it that way. It was more "this is what we're doing and if we can't make up our minds by this date, then perhaps that's a sign that we should go our separate ways."
Also, I might have missed it but how old are you? In some cases, I know age does play a factor if you want to start a family in the near future.

GL and HTH!

meamolly · May 2010

WOW look at all the i me and my. Tell you the truth these girls are a life saver for me. I came on this board wedding crazed and after a few weeks of reading posts from girls that sound just like you, I finally listened to the advice. I learned that its all about the ride and not the rock, the timeline or anyone else that is getting married before you. I have my freekouts and have posted my vents. These girls know what they are talking about. I find myself starting a post and then forgetting about it because the advised is right there in my head.

Now that being said, i think your guy is just worried about money. You said your sister is getting married in the next year or so? Are you counting on help from your parents? I grew up with three sisters, two of which are already married. It was made a joke last year when my sister got married, that there were two left and we better make sure to leave time between!

I also do think he may also not want to take the spotlight away from you or your sister (how thoughtful of him right? thinking about your sister!) He asked your dad, you know it is coming, make the most of the anticipation! You never know when he might be waiting for you on bended knee as you get out of the shower. Or slipping it on your finger as you sleep! He wants to marry you and that is what should matter at this point in time

paintgirl · May 2010

Wow OP... the horse is pretty much dead at this point, isn't it?

I hope you've been out drinking and dining. Venting to strangers is much wiser than venting to people you know. What we think doesn't matter in the end. We all vent here now and then. So hang in there and good luck!

nefariousmango · May 2010

My FI didn't propose until our 4 year anniversary, after we'd gone to three weddings in two months and our families finally stopped harassing us about "living in sin." It sounds like your BF does want to marry you, and as everyone else has said you'll enjoy the proposal more if it doesn't occur in the current pressure-cooker of family harassment and younger marriages.

I totally understand the need to rant, and this is a good place to do that but in the future you might label it *RANT* and skip out on the eye-rolling :-)

catemeg · May 2010

Oh, and FYI, most of the people who post later on only read the original post and not your subsequent "I was venting, sorry for the temporary insanity" posts, so don't worry about that. We do all have our crazy moments - if you realize you're being crazy and want to be talked down from the ledge, just point that out and we're much more likely to go easy on you than if we think you're just BSC. Just by starting a post with "Vent: Irrational Stress" and explaining that you KNOW you're being emotional, but you have to get it out, that will really help everyone realize that you're normally sane.

Oh, and Narwhal, I'm glad someone else saw that! I thought that was soooo weird!!!! That girl is saying SHE's sane, and she and her BOYFRIEND introduced each other as "husband and wife" - so weird! And DEFINITELY BSC!

scpalmtree06 · May 2010

Is it possible that he's wanting to surprise you with the proposal? My (now) FI and I dated for three years. He's a PhD student and although we talked about getting married I didn't foresee it happening until after he was finished with graduate school. Loe and behold, you can bet I was shocked when he proposed this past January. He said that he had been in cahoots with my parents and his parents about it since the previous May, 7 months prior, in order to get my parent's approval, get the ring, find the perfect time/location, etc.

Perhaps he didn't intend for you to know he asked for your father's permission (unless, of course, he did it right in front of you, or told you he did it personally...idk).

leeesher · May 2010

He asked your father for permission, so that means he has every intention of marrying you. Clearly he is just waiting for the right time. Has it occurred to you that he has a plan, and wants it to be a surprise?

I think it's also important to look at why becoming engaged immediately is of such great concern to you - do you feel that he isn't committed enough? Or perhaps it's jealousy or the feeling that you shouldn't be outshined by your sister?

My FI and I are celebrating our eighth anniversary today, and we just got engaged in April. Forgive the cliche, but it'll happen "when the time is right"

CT324 · May 2010

I think you should just take a step back and don't talk about it for awhile. Guys don't like feeling pressured. I am still waiting for my ring too but you dont want to drive yourself nuts over it. If he is a good guy and you love him then just try to have fun. Help your sister with her wedding plans and before you know it I am sure he will be surprising you when you least expect it. I know for my BF wants me to be completely surprised you just have to let it happen when he is ready

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