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Wedding Party
Knot Annie
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This is for the Fall2010 magazine, so I’ll use your Knot name.
I’d like your expert advice on dealing with picky bridesmaids when it comes to shopping for the dress. (It’s not fair that the bride always gets the bad rep, right?) The more specific, the better. I can always edit.
Thanks in advance!
KA
Need advice for dealing with your bridesmaid.
This is for the Fall2010 magazine, so I’ll use your Knot name.
I’d like your expert advice on dealing with picky bridesmaids when it comes to shopping for the dress. (It’s not fair that the bride always gets the bad rep, right?) The more specific, the better. I can always edit.
Thanks in advance!
KA
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Re: Need advice for dealing with your bridesmaid.
I remember a bride a while ago who had a BM who thought that a BM dress was something that should be almost for club wear but the bride had an elegant wedding in mind. If that's the case, you can say, "I understand if you don't like the length, but ultimately anything shorter than X that doesn't match the formality of the wedding. I apologize that this isn't what you had in mind, but that part can't change"
When in doubt, picking a designer and dress length can be great. Then the BM has a lot of wiggle room as long as the designer is within the agreed-upon price point.
Some girls take all of their BM's shopping for dresses, and of course there will be differences in opinions. IMO, it is best to choose these things yourself, then possibly take the opinion of the BM's later- or tell them "I want David's Apple Red, floor length, you choose what looks best on you"
Individuality can come out in jewelry and shoes. Not everyone has to wear the same shoes, jewelry, and hair. It's not a cheerleading competition where you are evaluated on how uniform you are.
It's one thing if a BM's desire goes against formality.
However remember that some things can go against a comfort level too. Some people just don't love strapless dresses so be flexible if someone may want to add sleeves or straps, etc.
Be clear from the start about what your idea is. I think some problems come from brides trying to be too relaxed about things initially and then later making it clearer that they want X, at which point the BMs are annoyed by what they see as a change even if it was in the bride's mind all along.
ETA: I had matching BM dresses that I had the final say on. I don't think the answer for everyone is "let them choose a style" - that's just not what I personally wanted. But things go better when you're realistic about your expectations and don't try to cram your friends into something they hate because it's too expensive or too revealing or whatever other legitimate concern.
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As soon as my BMs were chosen, I sent them an e-mail asking for their opinions on necklines, shapes, colors, fabrics, etc. I had 3 girls with 3 very different builds and style preferences. I pooled the information they gave me, went online, and found a dress that I liked that fit their specifications as closely as possible. I sent them all a link to the dress, and it was a hit. The only issue we had was that 1 BM is self-conscious about her arms and wanted sleeves while the other two preferred sleeveless. We compromised by choosing a wrap for them to wear during the ceremony. I found that the key was encouraging open communication between myself and the 3 BMs. That way, no one was afraid of expressing her opinion and everyone was willing to compromise.
Absolutely never lose sight of your friendship! Your wedding day feels huge when you're planning it, but when it's a distant memory, you'll feel silly freaking out over some of the little detailis.
Same with the bridesmaids... they are hoping, no matter the cost, that they will be able to wear the dress again.
The odds of wearing it again are very slim. Not many people randomly need a gown that frequently.
This is why a lot of bridesmaids push for the little black dress. But this is not always what the bride wants.
You need to decide on a budget early on and stick with it.
Both the bride and the bridesmaids need to be flexible with the color and style. When the bridesmaids agree to be in the bridal party and agreed to a budget, they now need to do some serious compromising. These bridemaids need to understand that they might not get to choose the color that looks best on them. There are other girls to take into account and the bride can only try to make every one happy. If she manages to succeed in pleasing every one... she should receive an award and go into the Bride Hall of Fame.
I know that I got lucky in the bridesmaid department and even my little group of three had a dissenter. As brides, we often take our friend's opinions as judgments of our taste or our whole party or 'vision' when it's usually just the girl wanting to look her best. My little sister, the model thin young one was dissapointed when I chose little black dresses with (horror) sleeves for my wedding. I know she wanted something with more flash. The other two were thrilled. My sister and I can be frosty toward one another, so I sent my mother to talk to her. She was able to tell sis that I wanted everyone to feel comfortable and confident. I know that if I said the same things, it would have started an argument. Sometimes, you need to delegate and send in a messenger!