Mom does't care/want to be involved

Re: Mom does't care/want to be involved

• trix1223 member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  While it's surely a bitter disappointment to you, the fact is that she's made it clear over and over and over and over that she doesn't want to be involved.  Why do you think she'll change because it's your wedding?
  
  Sharing the wedding planning process and wedding day with my DD and SIL, and my son and DIL was a wonderful thing for me.  I'm sorry your mom is choosing not to experience it.
  
  But seriously, you can't control what she does.  You can only control how you respond to what she does.  So you can either realize that there isn't any way that you can make her excited and involved, and go on and happily plan your own wedding; or you can dwell on something that isn't likely to change anyway.
  
  Plan your wedding.  Have a good friend, or another family membe, or your FI  go shopping with you.  Share the planning with other person whose wedding it is.  And have a wonderful time doing it and embrace planning everything.
  
  GL. 
  

  "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146

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• marinabreeze

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-doest-carewant-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1c207bb1-262f-41db-ab79-9517b3a9b388Post:a1e74815-eca0-4503-b8ad-6cf67e3cc294">Mom does't care/want to be involved</a>:
  [QUOTE]<strong>So when I first called my mom and told her I was engaged she wasn't excited at all</strong>....to say the least.  Every time I have seen her since we got engaged, she hasn't asked once to see the ring, nor has she asked any questions about the wedding at all.  Every time I try to talk to her about it on the phone, she goes silent, or immediately changes the subject to something about my dad or my brothers.  I have asked her about this many times, and she told me that she doesn't want to talk about it, I will have to "take whatever answers I get" from her (meaning if I don't like what she has to say, then too bad), or she just goes silent and refuses to speak to me about it.  I told her that this hurts my feelings, and I really need my mom to be there for me, and that I want her to be a part of my wedding day and to be happy for me, yet this doesn't seem to make a difference at all.  <strong>My parents haven't paid for anything basically my entire life (clothes, college, anything.....) and having my mom do this to me now, is really just another dissapointment. </strong> Any ideas on what I should do?  She even refused to come wedding dress shopping with me, telling me she had "Other things to do" and "Didn't want to be home late" (we live 2 hours away from each other......), and just doesn't care or seem interested in anything about my special day...HELP!!!
  Posted by pantherpi08[/QUOTE]
  
  Was she uninterested in your relationship prior to the engagement?  Does she have reservations about your relationship or the timing of the engagement? if the answer to either is yes, it doesn't seem all that surprising that she's unenthusiastic about the engagement.  It sucks to be sure and it's okay to feel disappointed, but there's realistically no reason to expect her to change once you have a ring on your finger.
  
  Now the second section I boldfaced makes me a little confused.  Not sure of the family dynamic here, but what do you mean when you say that your parents haven't paid for anything in your life?  Did they raise you?  If so, didn't they support you in your childhood, at least until you were an adult or otherwise able to support yourself?   Is your disappointment stemming from her lack of  enthusiasm or your parents not paying for your wedding?
  
  My parents have not bought my clothes since my first job at 16, and as an adult I have been mostly on my own financially, whether it's college or living expenses...they gave financial help sparingly at best.  While it wasn't easy taking care of things on my own, I never considered that to be disappointing; rather, it's a source of pride.   I don't feel my parents owed me stuff because they already did enough.  And regardless of what they have done in the past, as an adult I don't expect my mom (my dad is now deceased) to pay for my "special day" now. 
  
  Other than this, I echo Trix.  Enjoy your wedding planning with people who are excited for you and are happy to see you get married.  Enjoy your engaged time with your fiance.  Your mom may or may not ever come around.  It's okay to feel disappointed that she isn't happy for you.  But do your best to take joy in those who take joy along with you, and do your best to keep perspective.  Good luck to you.

  Wedding Photos and Vendor Recs 6 August 2011

  

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• shana90 member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  i understand where your coming from i kinda in that same predicament. but you have to be happy and you have to know that if she isn't going to support you now then maybe its best that you just move forward and keep on planning and pray that eventually she will change her tune about something that is supposed to be a happy and loving day that will bring two families together. maybe she just needs to get used to the fact that your getting married and she is trying to register it to her brain. i'm sure everything will be ok and it all has its way of working out.

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• kayakrunhike

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Since you know how your mom feels, don't engage her about it.  I know it's disappointing.  My mom was the same way, although eventually she did come around.  Once I stopped paying attention, she wanted to be more involved.  Go figure, eh?
  
  Anyway, does your fMIL want to be involved?  She would probably love to talk to you about everything wedding related.  Talk to your girlfriends about it, and other interested people, and quit stressing yourself out.  You already know what your mom is going to do, so don't put yourself in the situation to get upset about it.
  
  Is there any reason your mom would be upset about this engagement?  Does she not like your FI for some reason? 

  
  
  My Planning Bio Married Bio
  
  I'm not a newb, aka swim1011

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• pantherpi08

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Thank you all for the advice! I am just so frustrated with the way it's being handled that I am going to just leave it be......if she doesn't want to, then she doesn't want to.  My fML is super excited about it all, and can't wait to help, so I am going to go that route and have a great time doing so   Thank you again!!!

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• JEH<3ELB member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  I am in the same boat. I thought that when you got engaged and began planning a wedding everything was supposed to be sunshine, roses, and afternoon tea with your mother, no matter what kind of realtionship you had before. I was under the assumption that all mothers were supportive and wanted to be involved with your wedding, but that's just not true. And it happens this way more than you think. Just skim through some of the posts on here an you will see that you aren't the only bride that is going through this. Please don't think I am saying any of this sarcasticly. Reading about what other brides wrote about going through similar situations made me feel... well... better.  I did't feel alone, or like my wedding won't be right without my mother's constant input. Really when you stop to think about it now you won't have to worry about hurting her feelings when you think something is ugly and she thinks its the best thing since sliced bread. To make up for my mom's lack of intrest, I have enlisted the help of a close family friend, my FSIL, and 3 out of 4 of my bridesmaids. And they are all wonderful!! All you can do now is make sure you don't do the same thing to your daughter.

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• ChanelShades

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  

  

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• botticelliangel6

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  My fiances mother is like this - we're not even sure if she is coming.  She was never attentive or provided for him earlier in his life either.  We aren't surprised by her reaction - I am kind of surprised that you are surprised given her psat record.
  
  Unfortunately there is probably nothing you can do but live with it.  Watching him go through it I understand its hard, but its probably the way it is.  Sorry hon!
  

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• amhuelskamp member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  im so sorry you are in this situation! I am inexactly the same boat!  I just dont know what to do to make her care even a little. It is quite dissapointing how little we comunicate now after being engaged becasue of ther refusal to even accept the engagment has driving a rift between us although it is the unspoken elephant in the room. But like others have said, the best thing is to take it as it come and do so knowing what not to do unto your own children. Best of luck and i wish you a happy wedding despite the dissapointment of a motehr who doesnt wahtn to be a part of your amazing life.

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• allisonkbye member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  i'd be like listen here "mom".....some people don't have the honor of having daughters, or kids in general, who grow up to the milestone in their life of having a wedding. with that said, if she's going to be selfish about it, then just give up on her now. its one thing to not have the money, and explain to you she wishes she could help, but can't, but would still like to be involved. but the way you describe her behavior just seems selfish and immature. we're adults who should be able to talk through our problems.  makes me mad when people are unappreciative of what they have, especially when it involves their own kids. 

  
  

  
  

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